“What is crooked will not be able to be straightened, and what is missing will not be able to be counted” (Ecclesiastes 1:15). Some misdeeds have severe, irreversible effects and are seemingly beyond forgiveness. At the same time, at the core of Judaism is forgiveness. We are taught to emulate G-d and forgive, just as G-d is all-forgiving.
How do we reconcile these apparently contradictory ideas? We sometimes find ourselves in situations where the betrayal and pain are so great that we are justified in not forgiving. At those times, we need to remember the saying that “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Forgiveness does more for the provider than the recipient. It does not magically make the pain go away, but it allows one to move past the hurt and begin healing. Not forgiving amplifies the consequences of a misdeed and perpetuates its negative effects. Better to forgive and move on to a brighter future than hold on to an unforgivable offense and be stuck in a dark past."
Rabbi Simcha Backman
Chabad Jewish Center of Glendale and the Foothill Communities
Glendale, CA
Donald Trump commuted the prison sentence of Sholom Rubashkin, a Lubavitch rabbi who had been incarcerated for eight years for bank fraud. Over the years, Agriprocessors had been accused of various abuses, from fraud to a litany of labor abuses to identity theft to obtain false work papers for undocumented workers. Agriprocessors, the company Rubashkin was CEO of and the center of his crimes, had been accused of truly horrific animal cruelty. Rubashkin, a noted philanthropist in the Chabad-Lubavitch world, exited prison after serving eight years and was welcomed back into Chabad circles as a hero.
(יז) לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ הוֹכֵ֤חַ תּוֹכִ֙יחַ֙ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶ֔ךָ וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֥א עָלָ֖יו חֵֽטְא׃ (יח) לֹֽא־תִקֹּ֤ם וְלֹֽא־תִטֹּר֙ אֶת־בְּנֵ֣י עַמֶּ֔ךָ וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ אֲנִ֖י יְהֹוָֽה׃
(17) You shall not hate your kinsfolk in your heart. Reprove your kin but incur no guilt on their account. (18) You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against members of your people. Love your fellow [Israelite] as yourself: I am יהוה.
(לב) וַיִּהְי֥וּ בְנֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֖ל בַּמִּדְבָּ֑ר וַֽיִּמְצְא֗וּ אִ֛ישׁ מְקֹשֵׁ֥שׁ עֵצִ֖ים בְּי֥וֹם הַשַּׁבָּֽת׃ (לג) וַיַּקְרִ֣יבוּ אֹת֔וֹ הַמֹּצְאִ֥ים אֹת֖וֹ מְקֹשֵׁ֣שׁ עֵצִ֑ים אֶל־מֹשֶׁה֙ וְאֶֽל־אַהֲרֹ֔ן וְאֶ֖ל כׇּל־הָעֵדָֽה׃ (לד) וַיַּנִּ֥יחוּ אֹת֖וֹ בַּמִּשְׁמָ֑ר כִּ֚י לֹ֣א פֹרַ֔שׁ מַה־יֵּעָשֶׂ֖ה לֽוֹ׃ {ס} (לה) וַיֹּ֤אמֶר יְהֹוָה֙ אֶל־מֹשֶׁ֔ה מ֥וֹת יוּמַ֖ת הָאִ֑ישׁ רָג֨וֹם אֹת֤וֹ בָֽאֲבָנִים֙ כׇּל־הָ֣עֵדָ֔ה מִח֖וּץ לַֽמַּחֲנֶֽה׃
(32) Once, when the Israelites were in the wilderness, they came upon a man gathering wood on the sabbath day. (33) Those who found him as he was gathering wood brought him before Moses, Aaron, and the community leadership. (34) He was placed in custody, for it had not been specified what should be done to him. (35) Then יהוה said to Moses, “The party in question shall be put to death: the community leadership shall pelt him with stones outside the camp.”
הָהוּא טַבָּחָא דְּאִיתְפַּקַּר בְּרַב טוֹבִי בַּר מַתְנָה, אִימְּנוֹ עֲלֵיהּ אַבָּיֵי וְרָבָא וְשַׁמְּתוּהוּ, לְסוֹף אֲזַל פַּיְּיסֵיהּ לְבַעַל דִּינֵיהּ. אֲמַר אַבָּיֵי: הֵיכִי לֶיעְבֵּיד? לִישְׁרֵי לֵיהּ — לָא חַל שַׁמְתָּא עֲלֵיהּ תְּלָתִין יוֹמִין. לָא לִישְׁרֵי לֵיהּ — קָא בָּעוּ רַבָּנַן לְמֵיעַל. אֲמַר לֵיהּ לְרַב אִידִי בַּר אָבִין: מִידֵּי שְׁמִיעַ לָךְ בְּהָא? אֲמַר לֵיהּ: הָכִי אָמַר רַב תַּחְלִיפָא בַּר אֲבִימִי אָמַר שְׁמוּאֵל: טוּט אָסַר וְטוּט שָׁרֵי. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: הָנֵי מִילֵּי לְמָמוֹנָא, אֲבָל לְאַפְקֵירוּתָא — עַד דְּחָיְילָא שַׁמְתָּא עֲלֵיהּ תְּלָתִין יוֹמִין.
§ The Gemara relates that a certain butcher behaved disrespectfully toward Rav Tuvi bar Mattana. Abaye and Rava were appointed to the case and ostracized him. In the end the butcher went and appeased his disputant, Rav Tuvi. Abaye said: What should we do in this case? Shall he be released from his decree of ostracism? His decree of ostracism has not yet been in effect for the usual thirty days. On the other hand, shall he not be released from ostracism? But the Sages wish to enter his shop and purchase meat, and they are presently unable to do so. What, then, is the most appropriate course of action? He said to Rav Idi bar Avin: Have you heard anything with regard to such a case? Rav Idi bar Avin said to Abaye: Rav Taḥlifa bar Avimi said that Shmuel said as follows: A shofar blast at the time of the ostracism makes it binding, and a shofar blast releases it. In other words, the shofar should be sounded now, as it had been sounded when the decree of ostracism was pronounced, and it should be canceled, although thirty days have not passed. Abaye said to him: This applies in a case where one ignores a monetary judgment that was issued against him; but in a case where one behaves disrespectfully, there must be no release until the decree of ostracism has been in effect for thirty days.
מתני׳ מי שלקה ושנה ב"ד מכניסין אותו לכיפה ומאכילין אותו שעורין עד שכריסו מתבקעת: גמ׳ משום דלקה ושנה ב"ד כונסין אותו לכיפה אמר ר' ירמיה אמר רבי שמעון בן לקיש הכא במלקיות של כריתות עסקינן דגברא בר קטלא הוא וקרובי הוא דלא מיקרב קטליה וכיון דקא מוותר לה נפשיה מקרבינן ליה לקטליה עילויה
MISHNA: One who was flogged for violating a prohibition and then repeated the violation and was flogged again assumes the status of a forewarned transgressor. The court places him into the vaulted chamber [lakippa] and feeds him barley bread until his belly ruptures due to the low-quality food, and he dies. GEMARA: Due to the fact that he was flogged and repeated the violation does the court place him into the vaulted chamber for the duration of his life and advance his death? Rabbi Yirmeya says that Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish says: Here, we are dealing with lashes administered for violations of prohibitions punishable by excision from the World-to-Come [karet]. As when one violates such a prohibition, the man is essentially liable to be punished with death at the hand of Heaven, but his death is not advanced by the court, as it is administered by the heavenly court. And in this case, since he surrenders his life through his repeated transgressions, we advance his execution upon him by placing him in the vaulted chamber.
תַּנָּאֵי הִיא, דְּתַנְיָא: עַל מָה תְּשׁוּבָה מְכַפֶּרֶת — עַל עֲשֵׂה וְעַל לֹא תַעֲשֶׂה שֶׁנִּיתַּק לַעֲשֵׂה, וְעַל מָה תְּשׁוּבָה תּוֹלָה וְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר — עַל כָּרֵיתוֹת וְעַל מִיתוֹת בֵּית דִּין, וְעַל לֹא תַעֲשֶׂה גָּמוּר.
The Gemara answers: This is a dispute between tanna’im, as it was taught in a baraita: For what does repentance atone? It atones for a positive mitzva and for a negative mitzva that can be rectified through a positive mitzva. And for what does repentance suspend punishment and Yom Kippur atone? It is for sins punishable by karet, and for sins punishable by the death penalty from the earthly court, and for full-fledged negative mitzvot. This indicates that there is a tanna who distinguishes between prohibitions that warrant lashes and those that do not. Therefore, there is a tannaitic dispute as to whether or not prohibitions that warrant punishment by the courts can be rectified by repentance alone.
אֲבָל מִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ חִילּוּל הַשֵּׁם בְּיָדוֹ — אֵין לוֹ כֹּחַ בִּתְשׁוּבָה לִתְלוֹת וְלֹא בְּיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים לְכַפֵּר וְלֹא בְּיִסּוּרִין לְמָרֵק, אֶלָּא כּוּלָּן תּוֹלִין, וּמִיתָה מְמָרֶקֶת, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וְנִגְלָה בְאׇזְנָי ה׳ צְבָאוֹת אִם יְכוּפַּר הֶעָוֹן הַזֶּה לָכֶם עַד תְּמוּתוּן״. הֵיכִי דָּמֵי חִילּוּל הַשֵּׁם? אָמַר רַב: כְּגוֹן אֲנָא, אִי שָׁקֵילְנָא בִּישְׂרָא מִטַּבָּחָא וְלָא יָהֵיבְנָא דְּמֵי לְאַלְתַּר. אָמַר אַבָּיֵי: לֹא שָׁנוּ אֶלָּא בְּאַתְרָא דְּלָא תָּבְעִי, אֲבָל בְּאַתְרָא דְּתָבְעִי — לֵית לַן בַּהּ.
But in the case of one who has caused desecration of God’s name, his repentance has no power to suspend punishment, nor does Yom Kippur have power to atone for his sin, nor does suffering alone have power to absolve him. Rather, all these suspend punishment, and death absolves him, as it is stated: “And the Lord of Hosts revealed Himself to my ears: This iniquity shall not be atoned for until you die” (Isaiah 22:14). § The Gemara asks: What are the circumstances that cause desecration of God’s name? Rav said: For example, in the case of someone like me, since I am an important public figure, if I take meat from a butcher and do not give him money immediately, people are likely to think that I did not mean to pay at all. They would consider me a thief and learn from my behavior that one is permitted to steal. Abaye said: They taught this statement of Rav only in a place where they do not ask for the money, where it is not customary for the butcher himself to come and collect payment from the customer. When the customer does not pay immediately, people may suspect him of theft. But in a place where they ask for the money from the customer some time later, we have no problem with doing this. Since everyone understands he is buying on credit, he is not desecrating God’s name.
אֲבָל מִי שֶׁקּוֹרֵא וְשׁוֹנֶה וּמְשַׁמֵּשׁ תַּלְמִידֵי חֲכָמִים, וְאֵין מַשָּׂאוֹ וּמַתָּנוֹ בֶּאֱמוּנָה, וְאֵין דִּבּוּרוֹ בְּנַחַת עִם הַבְּרִיּוֹת, מָה הַבְּרִיּוֹת אוֹמְרוֹת עָלָיו — אוֹי לוֹ לִפְלוֹנִי שֶׁלָּמַד תּוֹרָה. אוֹי לוֹ לְאָבִיו שֶׁלִּמְּדוֹ תּוֹרָה, אוֹי לוֹ לְרַבּוֹ שֶׁלִּמְּדוֹ תּוֹרָה. פְּלוֹנִי שֶׁלָּמַד תּוֹרָה — רְאוּ כַּמָּה מְקוּלְקָלִין מַעֲשָׂיו וְכַמָּה מְכוֹעָרִין דְּרָכָיו, וְעָלָיו הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר: ״בֶּאֱמוֹר לָהֶם עַם ה׳ אֵלֶּה וּמֵאַרְצוֹ יָצָאוּ״.
But one who reads Torah, and learns Mishna, and serves Torah scholars, but his business practices are not done faithfully, and he does not speak pleasantly with other people, what do people say about him? Woe to so-and-so who studied Torah, woe to his father who taught him Torah, woe to his teacher who taught him Torah. So-and-so who studied Torah, see how destructive are his deeds, and how ugly are his ways. About him and others like him the verse states that the gentiles will say: “Men said of them: These are the people of the Lord, yet they had to leave His land” (Ezekiel 36:20). Through their sins and subsequent exile, such people have desecrated the name of God.
“A person would rather experience physical pain than shame” (Talmud, Sotah 8b)
“Three signs signify that a person has a Jewish essence: he is compassionate, ashamed of doing wrong, and seeks to do acts of kindness” (Talmud, Yevamot 79a)
ואי אמר קבעו לי זימנא דאזלינא לארעא דישראל קבעינן ליה ואי לא אזיל משמתינן ליה
And also, if the injured party said to the court: Fix a time for me to go to Eretz Yisrael to present the case before ordained judges, we fix a time for him and require the owner of the belligerent animal to go to the court in Eretz Yisrael at that time. And if he does not go, we excommunicate him for disobeying the orders of the court.
אָמַר רַב חִיָּיא בַּר אָשֵׁי אָמַר רַב: תַּלְמִיד חָכָם צָרִיךְ שֶׁיְּהֵא בּוֹ אֶחָד מִשְּׁמוֹנָה בִּשְׁמִינִית. אָמַר רַב הוּנָא בְּרֵיהּ דְּרַב יְהוֹשֻׁעַ: וּמְעַטְּרָא לֵיהּ כִּי סָאסָא לְשׁוּבַּלְתָּא. אָמַר רָבָא: בְּשַׁמְתָּא דְּאִית בֵּיהּ, וּבְשַׁמְתָּא דְּלֵית בֵּיהּ.
Rav Ḥiyya bar Ashi says that Rav says: Despite the opprobrium assigned to one who exhibits the trait of arrogance, a Torah scholar must have one-eighth of one-eighth of arrogance. Rav Huna, son of Rav Yehoshua, said: And this minute measure of arrogance crowns him as the awn of bristle-like growth on the top of the husk. Rava said: A Torah scholar who has arrogance should be excommunicated, and one who does not have arrogance at all should be excommunicated as well. As such, he must have only a minute measure of arrogance.