Matches and Marriage in Halachic Literature

(18) The Eternal God said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a fitting helper for him.”

§ Apropos the discussion with regard to the mitzva to have children, the Gemara cites statements about marriage in general. Rabbi Tanḥum said that Rabbi Ḥanilai said: Any man who does not have a wife is left without joy, without blessing, without goodness. He proceeds to quote verses to support each part of his statement.

He is without joy, as it is written: “And you shall rejoice, you and your household” (Deuteronomy 14:26), which indicates that the a man is in a joyful state only when he is with his household, i.e., his wife.

He is without blessing, as it is written: “To cause a blessing to rest in your house” (Ezekiel 44:30), which indicates that blessing comes through one’s house, i.e., one’s wife.

He is without goodness, as it is written: “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18), i.e., without a wife.

(1) Every man is obligated to marry a woman in order to be fruitful, and to multiply and anyone who doesn't engage in being fruitful and multiplying is as if he spills blood, and lessens the appearance, and causes the divine presence to depart from Israel.

§ With regard to marriage, the Gemara relates: Rav Ḥisda would praise Rav Hamnuna to Rav Huna by saying that he is a great man. Rav Huna said to him: When he comes to you, send him to me.

When Rav Hamnuna came before him, Rav Huna saw that he did not cover his head with a cloth, as Torah scholars did. Rav Huna said to him: What is the reason that you do not cover your head with a cloth?

Rav Hamnuna said to him: The reason is that I am not married, and it was not customary for unmarried men to cover their heads with a cloth. Rav Huna turned his face away from him in rebuke, and he said to him: See to it that you do not see my face until you marry.

The Gemara notes: Rav Huna conforms to his standard line of reasoning, as he says: If one is twenty years old and has not yet married a woman, all of his days will be in a state of sin concerning sexual matters. The Gemara asks: Can it enter your mind that he will be in a state of sin all of his days?

Rather, say that this means the following: All of his days will be in a state of thoughts of sin, i.e., sexual thoughts. One who does not marry in his youth will become accustomed to thoughts of sexual matters, and the habit will remain with him the rest of his life.

Rabbi Yehudah bar Simon began: "God returns the solitary ones homeward" (Psalms 68:7). A Roman Matron asked Rabbi Yosi ben Halafta, "In how many days did God create the world?" He said, "In six, as it is said, 'Since six days God made...' (Exodus 20:11) "And since then," she asked, "what has God been doing?"

"God sits [on the Heavenly Throne] and makes matches: the daughter of this one to that one, the wife [i.e. widow] of this one to that one, the money of this one to that one," responded R. Yosi.

"And for merely this you believe in Him!" she said. "Even I can do that. I have many slaves, both male and female. In no time at all, I can match them for marriage." R. Yosi, "Though this may be an easy thing for you to do, for God it is as difficult as splitting the Sea of Reeds." Whereupon, Rabbi Yosi took his leave.

What did she do? The Matron lined up a thousand male and a thousand female slaves and said you marry you, and married them all off that night. The next day, one slave had his head bashed in, another had lost an eye, while a third hobbled because of a broken leg. She said to them: "What happened to you?" and they each said to her: "I don't want this one" [with whom you matched me]."

Immediately, she sent for and summoned R. Yosi and she said: "There is no God like your God, and your Torah is true, pleasing and praiseworthy. You spoke wisely." He said to her, "Didn't I tell you, if it appears easy in your eyes, it is difficult for the Holy One Blessed Be He like splitting the sea." "What do you think? That The Holy One Blessed Be He, is marrying them against their will but not for their benefit?!?"

This is why it states "God returns the solitary ones homeward, and brings out the chained ones with their bindings" (Psalms 58:7) What is binding (Kosharot), Crying (Bechi) and sing (Shirot).

The one who wants [their spouse] sings, the one who doesn't want their spouse cries. Rabbi Brekhya said, like this R' Yosi bar Tahlafta responded, "the Holy One Blessed Be He sits and makes ladders, lowers for this and raises for that one, lowers this one raises that one. As it says 'God judges - this one laid low, this one raised (Psalms 75, 8)', there are those who walk to their partner and those whose partner walks to them: Yitzchak's partner came to him, as it says, 'Isaac went out to speak in the field' (Genesis 24, 63) and Yaakov went to his partner, as it says 'Yaakov went out from Be'er Sheva' (Genesis 28, 10)"

§ The mishna taught: As on them the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white clothes, and on the fifteenth of Av they would go out to the vineyards and dance.

The Sages taught this tradition in greater detail: The daughter of the king borrows white garments from the daughter of the High Priest; the daughter of the High Priest borrows from the daughter of the deputy High Priest; the daughter of the deputy High Priest borrows from the daughter of the priest anointed for war, ; the daughter of the priest anointed for war borrows from the daughter of a common priest; and all the Jewish people borrow from each other.

Why would they all borrow garments? They did this so as not to embarrass one who did not have her own white garments.

There are those who say: With regard to this particular mitzva of betrothal, it also involves a prohibition, in accordance with that which Rav Yehuda says that Rav says, as Rav Yehuda says that Rav says:

It is forbidden for a man to betroth a woman until he sees her, lest he see something repulsive in her after the betrothal, and she will become repugnant to him, which will cause him to hate her.

And to prevent this violation of what the Merciful One states in the Torah: “And you shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18), the Sages ruled that a man must betroth a woman in person, to ensure that he approves of her.

(50) Then Laban and Bethuel answered, “The matter was decreed by the Eternal; we cannot speak to you bad or good. (51) Here is Rebekah before you; take her and go, and let her be a wife to your master’s son, as the Eternal has spoken.” (52) When Abraham’s servant heard their words, he bowed low to the ground before the Eternal. (53) The servant brought out objects of silver and gold, and garments, and gave them to Rebekah; and he gave presents to her brother and her mother. (54) Then he and the men with him ate and drank, and they spent the night. When they arose next morning, he said, “Give me leave to go to my master.” (55) But her brother and her mother said, “Let the maiden remain with us some ten days; then you may go.” (56) He said to them, “Do not delay me, now that the Eternal has made my errand successful. Give me leave that I may go to my master.” (57) And they said, “Let us call the girl and ask for her reply.” (58) They called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” And she said, “I will.”

(1) A woman can only become engaged by her will. One who engages a woman against her will, she is not engaged. But a man who they forced until her engaged against his will she is engaged, but there are those who say she is not engaged and therefore it is in doubt.

(1) A woman is acquired by, i.e., becomes betrothed to, a man to be his wife in three ways, and she acquires herself, i.e., she terminates her marriage, in two ways.

The mishna elaborates: She is acquired through money, through a document, and through sexual intercourse.

With regard to a betrothal through money, there is a dispute between tanna’im: Beit Shammai say that she can be acquired with one dinar or with anything that is worth one dinar. And Beit Hillel say: She can be acquired with one peruta, a small copper coin, or with anything that is worth one peruta.

The mishna further clarifies: And how much is the value of one peruta, by the fixed value of silver? The mishna explains that it is one-eighth of the Italian issar, which is a small silver coin.

And a woman acquires herself through a bill of divorce or through the death of the husband.

A woman whose husband, who had a brother, died childless [yevama], can be acquired by the deceased husband’s brother, the yavam, only through intercourse. And she acquires herself, i.e., she is released from her levirate bond, through ḥalitza or through the death of the yavam.

GEMARA: The mishna teaches that a woman can be acquired in three ways. The Gemara asks: What is different here that this mishna teaches: A woman is acquired, using the language of acquisition, and what is different there, in the beginning of the next chapter (42a), which teaches: A man betroths, using the language of betrothal?

The Gemara explains: In this mishna the tanna utilized the language of acquisition because he wanted to teach about betrothal through money, which is the standard means of exchange in an act of acquisition.

The Gemara continues its explanation: And from where do we derive that betrothal is accomplished by means of giving money? It is derived by means of a verbal analogy between the term expressing taking stated with regard to betrothal and from the term expressing taking with regard to the field of Ephron.

How so? It is written here, with regard to marriage: “When a man takes a woman” (Deuteronomy 24:1), and it is written there, concerning Abraham’s purchase of the field of the Cave of Machpelah from Ephron the Hittite: “I will give money for the field; take it from me” (Genesis 23:13). This verbal analogy teaches that just as Ephron’s field was acquired with money, so too, a woman can be acquired with money. The Gemara continues: And the taking of Ephron’s field is called an acquisition in the Torah, as it is written with regard to the same issue: “The field which Abraham acquired” (Genesis 25:10).

(1) Before the giving of the Torah, it would be that if a man happened upon a woman in the marketplace and they wanted to marry each other, he would bring her into his house and consummate the marriage between them privately, and she would be his wife.

Once the Torah was given, Israel was commanded that if a man wanted to marry a woman, he would acquire her first through witnesses, and afterwards she would be his wife, as it says, "When a man takes a woman and comes (sleeps with) to her..." (Deuteronomy 22:13).

(2) And taking a wife as such is a positive commandment of the Torah. And a woman is acquired through three means: money, a contract, or through intercourse. Marriage through intercourse and by contract is from the Torah, and by money is Rabbinical [lit. "the words of the Scribes"]. And this acquisition is what is called "Kiddushin" or "Eirusin" in several places. And a woman who is acquired through one of these three means is called a "Mekudeshet" or "Meureset".

(3) And since the woman had been acquired and had been made set apart, even though there was no consummation and she did not enter her husbands house, she is a married woman! And anyone who has intercourse with her, other than her husband, shall be liable for execution by the Jewish court. And if a divorce is sought-after, a bill of divorce is required.

(1) How is a woman sanctified (for engagement)? If one choses to do so with money (or its equivalent), it can not have less than the value of a "Peruta". He says to her, "Behold, you are sanctified to me", "Behold, you are engaged to me", "Behold, with this, you are to be my wife", and he gives her the object in front of witnesses. The man must be the one to say words that have the meaning of an acquisition, and it must be he that is giving her the money.

(4) The woman is betrothed in 3 ways; with money, a document or with intimate relations, as learned from the Torah, but our sages prohibited betrothal by having relations because of impropriety, and if they transgressed this and he betrothed her with relations, he receives rabbinically decreed whiplashes and she is still betrothed.

Even if he betrothed her with money or with a document and they did not arrange the marriage agreement beforehand or he betrothed her in the market place, he receives rabbinically decreed whiplashes and she is still betrothed.

Rem"a: There are those who say that we don't give whiplashes if he betrothed her with money or a document, even in the market and without any arrangement and in my life, I never saw someone given whiplashes for becoming betrothed without arrangement.

§ The Gemara relates: There was a certain man who betrothed a woman with a myrtle branch in the marketplace. [that is, without an engagement period] Rav Aḥa bar Huna sent this dilemma before Rav Yosef: In a case like this, what is the halakha? Rav Yosef sent a response to him: Flog him, in accordance with the opinion of Rav, and require her to receive a bill of divorce, in accordance with the opinion of Shmuel, in case the myrtle branch is worth one peruta somewhere else.

(1) One who is merely engaged is forbidden to her husband according to the rabbis while she is still in her father's house, and one who has relations with his fiancee in his father-in-laws house receives lashes from the rabbis.

[Rema: They are even forbidden to be secluded and therefore if an engaged couple are living together, they say the seven brachot lest they become secluded (Mordechai First Chapter of Ketubot).

There are those who say they should not live together lest they become repulsed by one another].

Even with couples that are not engaged there is concern, even if they became engaged through relations, he cannot sleep with her a second time in her father's house until he brings her into his house, is secluded with her and separates her for himself, and this seclusion is known as entering into the Chuppah and it is called marriage in all places.

One who sleeps with his fiancee for the purposes of marriage after he engaged her, once he enters her he has acquired her and she is married to him and is his wife, and they must say the Groom's blessings in the groom's house before the marriage.

[Rema: There are those who say that the chuppah is not considered seclusion rather the groom must bring her into his house for the purposes of marriage (Thus says the Ran at the beginning of Ketubot) And there are those who say that the Chuppah is when they spread a cloth over her head at the time of the blessing, and there are those who say that a virgin's chuppah is when she goes out in a headdress and for a widow when they become secluded. The simple custom nowadays to call the chuppah a place where they place a cloth on poles and bring the groom and bride underneath in public and he engages her there and they say the blessings of engagement and marriage and then they walk them to their house and they eat together in a secluded places, this is how the chuppah is done now.]

(2) One gives a virgin twelve months from the time the husband asked to marry her after having betrothed her, in order to prepare herself with clothes and jewelry for the marriage.

And just as one gives a woman this amount of time, so too does one give a man an equivalent period of time to prepare himself, as he too needs time to prepare for the marriage.

However, in the case of a widow, who already has items available from her previous marriage, she is given only thirty days to prepare. If the appointed time for the wedding arrived and they did not get married due to some delay on the part of the husband, then the woman may partake of his food.

(1) A virgin is married on Wednesday and a widow on Thursday. The reason for the former is that twice a week courts convene in the towns, on Monday and Thursday, so that if the husband had a claim concerning the bride’s virginity when consummating the marriage on Wednesday night, he would go early the next day to court and make his claim.

(1) Once a man enters the chuppah with his fiancee, even though he has not been with her, she is his wife in all regards.

And he evaluates the main value of the ketubah [the marriage contract] and the extra [value] in case she is widowed or divorced.

What case are we talking about? When she is able to have relations. But if while was in niddah, [ritually impure], she entered the chuppah, and he secluded himself with her, she is not his wife, rather in all matters she is like a fiancee, since she was in niddah. There are those who say that specifically regarding whether she can collect the additional value [of the ketubah ], then she is still a fiancee. But for everything else, she is still considered married.

Rem"a: see earlier, the beginning of siman 55, what is called a chuppah , and they need to write a ketubah before the chuppah , so that she is fit for marital relations (Rambam Perek 10, Ishut).

And one opinion says that a chuppah where she is a niddah is still a chuppah even though she is not fitting for marital relations. This is the same law if he [the husband] did not write the ketubah . Nevertheless, initially, it should be written beforehand.

A woman who is sick with a deathly illness, even though she entered with the bed under the chuppah so that her husband would inherit her, it is not considered a chuppah since she is not fitting for relations, so her husband does not inherit her (Responsa of the R"SH, rule 54).

She entered the chuppah and he did not make the bridegroom blessing, it is a complete chuppah since blessings do not prevent and he can eventually make the blessing (Tur Siman 62).

Initially, he should bless her before he secludes himself with her (this is implicit in the R"SH's responsa). See earlier siman 55.

Nowadays, we customarily recite the blessing under the chuppah before he secludes himself with her.

It is customary that the bride and the groom fast the day of the chuppah (see Orach Chaim siman 573). If he mistakenly engaged her, and he had the marriage ceremony with her, and afterwards it was found out that the engagement was a mistake, even though he returned and engaged her, he does not need to make a second sheva brachot , it is enough with the first blessings.

There are those who say to make a chuppah under the sky as a good sign that their children will be like the stars of the heaven.

(1) Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universe, Creator of the fruit of the vine.

(2) Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has created everything for your glory.

(3) Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Creator of Human Beings.

(4) Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has fashioned human beings in your image, according to your likeness and has fashioned from it a lasting mold. Blessed are You Adonai, Creator of Human Beings.

(5) Bring intense joy and exultation through the ingathering of Her children (Jerusalem). Blessed are You, Adonai, are the One who gladdens Zion (Israel) through Her children’s return.

(6) Gladden the beloved companions as You gladdened Your creatures in the garden of Eden. Blessed are You, Adonai, Who gladdens this couple.

(7) Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who created joy and gladness, loving couples, mirth, glad song, pleasure, delight, love, loving communities, peace, and companionship. Adonai, our God, let there soon be heard in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem the sound of joy and the sound of gladness, the voice of the loving couple, the sound of the their jubilance from their canopies and of the youths from their song-filled feasts. Blessed are You Who causes the couple to rejoice, one with the other.