Words to Comfort Someone Who Lost a Spouse

Rav Gifter states the following:

The Ramban, in his introduction to Iyov, asks a question: “Why do we cry at a moment of death? “Why do we shed tears? This is the natural state of things. We are born, we live and we die. What is there to cry about?

The holy Ramban says that this is not the natural state of things. It’s wrong! We were made to live forever and ever, in the joy and the Countenance of G-d in Gan Eden. Death signifies that things are not working according to the natural course of Creation. It is something unnatural and not ordinary. This is why we are moved to tears. Did we ever give thought of this approach to crying?

The Ramban was also bothered by the natural course of things. Naturally, we should be in Gan Eden, enjoying the proximity, the friendship, the closeness and the love of Hashem. But why do we seem so far removed? Because sin brought death into this world. This is what brings us to tears.[1]

Rabbi Manis Friedman says, “… Separating from a spouse is like an amputation.”

Our Sages have told us, “Any generation in which the Beis HaMikdosh is not rebuilt is considered as if they had destroyed it in their days.”[2]

Similarly, the Gemara tells us, “Any person whose spouse passes away, it is as if the Beis HaMikdash was destroyed in their lifetime. Our Sages teach that normal bereavement is limited by time. After a year, the pain of losing a relative generally eases somewhat, as the memory of death is slowly ‘forgotten from the heart.’ The spouse’s grief is compared to Israel’s grief at the Destruction of the Beis HaMikdash; they like the nation of Israel collectively - will never forget their loss.”[3]

Why do we suffer as a nation and individuals? The Gemara answers, “From the day that the Beis HaMikdosh was destroyed, there has been no day without its curse.”[4] On an individual level, if one asks our Creator, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why are You sending me these hardships? There is nothing wrong with asking such questions. A person whose suffering causes them to challenge G-d is not sinful.[5] Yet there is no one who goes through life without afflictions![6] Still pain that a person suffers – whether physically, emotionally or mentally - in this world, atones for their sins.[7] If not for a person committing a sin, they wouldn’t receive suffering.[8]

May Hashem wipe away the tears from our faces and we may merit to see the revelation of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, who will make our Creator’s Name Great Again, speedily soon!