I. The Jewish Sexual Ideal
Art Green - A Contemporary Approach to Jewish Sexuality
"[There is] for the Jew an ideal of sexuality. While we know well that most human sexuality hardly approaches this exalted pictures, it does provide us with a point of view. It indicates strongly that we Jews should stand opposed to the current moves toward the "the demystificication" of sexuality, which seeks to define coupling as purely biological function. We are made most fully human by the fact that this act, shared by us with the animal kingdom, can be raised in our consciousness to the rung of the raza de-yihuda - the sublime mystery of union, Sexuality at its fullest is brimming with religious kavanah [intention]: this is a teaching we would be fools to ignore. If we cannot fulfill the ideal, we can begin to approach it."
(1) The Song of Songs, by Solomon. (2) Oh, give me of the kisses of your mouth, For your love is more delightful than wine. (3) Your ointments yield a sweet fragrance, Your name is like finest oil— Therefore do maidens love you. (4) Draw me after you, let us run! The king has brought me to his chambers. Let us delight and rejoice in your love, Savoring it more than wine— Like new wine they love you!
II. Creation and the Longing for Reunification
(27) And God created man in His own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them.
(28) And God blessed them; and God said unto them: ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.’
(18) And the LORD God said: ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.’
(כא) וַיַּפֵּל֩ יי אֱלֹקִ֧ים ׀ תַּרְדֵּמָ֛ה עַל־הָאָדָ֖ם וַיִּישָׁ֑ן וַיִּקַּ֗ח אַחַת֙ מִצַּלְעֹתָ֔יו וַיִּסְגֹּ֥ר בָּשָׂ֖ר תַּחְתֶּֽנָּה׃
(21) So the LORD God cast a deep sleep upon the man; and, while he slept, He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that spot.
אמר רבי ירמיה בן אלעזר: בשעה שברא הקדוש ברוך הוא את אדם הראשון, אנדרוגינוס בראו, הדא הוא דכתיב: זכר ונקבה בראם.
(1) ... Said R’ Yirmiyah ben Elazar: In the hour when the Holy One created the first human, He created him [as] an androgyne/androginos, as it is said, “male and female He created them."
() וּכְדֵין (נטיל) כָּלִיל כֹּלָא נוּקְבָא וְאִתְעַבְּרַת מִן דְּכוּרָא וְתִיאוּבְתִּין דְּתַרְוַויְיהוּ מִתְדַּבְּקָן כְּחֲדָא, וְעַל דָּא כֹּלָּא כָּלִיל דָּא בְּדָא. וְכַד נִשְׁמָתִין נָפְקִין דְּכַר וְנוּקְבָא כְּחֲדָא נָפְקִין. לְבָתַר כֵּיוָן דְּנָחֲתֵי מִתְפָּרְשָׁן דָּא לְסִטְרָא דָא וְדָא לְסִטְרָא דָא, וְקוּדְשָׁא בְּרִיךְ הוּא מְזַוִּוג לוֹן לְבָתַר. וְלָא אִתְיְיהִיב זִוּוּגָא לְאָחֳרָא אֶלָּא לְקוּדְשָׁא בְּרִיךְ הוּא בִּלְחוֹדוֹי, דְּאִיהוּ יָדַע זִוּוּגָא דִּלְהוֹן לְחַבְּרָא לוֹן כְּדְקָא יָאוֹת.
When the souls emerge, they emerge as male and female together. After this, when they descend, they become separated, one on one side, and one on the other, and the Holy One, blessed be He, unites them subsequently. This union is accomplished by none but the Holy One, Blessed be He, since only He knows how to unite them correctly..
(יט) וְכֵן צִוּוּ חֲכָמִים שֶׁיִּהְיֶה אָדָם מְכַבֵּד אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ יוֹתֵר מִגּוּפוֹ וְאוֹהֲבָהּ כְּגוּפוֹ. וְאִם יֵשׁ לוֹ מָמוֹן מַרְבֶּה בְּטוֹבָתָהּ כְּפִי מָמוֹנוֹ. וְלֹא יַטִּיל עָלֶיהָ אֵימָה יְתֵרָה. וְיִהְיֶה דִּבּוּרוֹ עִמָּהּ בְּנַחַת. וְלֹא יִהְיֶה עָצֵב וְלֹא רַגְזָן: (כ) וְכֵן צִוּוּ עַל הָאִשָּׁה שֶׁתִּהְיֶה מְכַבֶּדֶת אֶת בַּעְלָהּ בְּיוֹתֵר מִדַּאי וְיִהְיֶה עָלֶיהָ מוֹרָא מִמֶּנּוּ וְתַעֲשֶׂה כָּל מַעֲשֶׂיהָ עַל פִּיו. וְיִהְיֶה בְּעֵינֶיהָ כְּמוֹ שַׂר אוֹ מֶלֶךְ. מְהַלֶּכֶת בְּתַאֲוַת לִבּוֹ וּמַרְחֶקֶת כָּל מַה שֶּׁיִּשְׂנָא. וְזֶה דֶּרֶךְ בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל וּבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל הַקְּדוֹשִׁים וְהַטְּהוֹרִים בְּזִוּוּגָן. וּבִדְרָכִים אֵלּוּ יִהְיֶה יִשּׁוּבָן נָאֶה וּמְשֻׁבָּח:
(19) Thus the Sages commanded: A man should honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself. If his money is plentiful, he should honor her as much as he can afford. He should not inspire excess fear in her, and he should speak gently with her, and not act downcast or hot-tempered.
(20) Thus the Sages commanded: A woman should honor her husband to excess, and stand in awe of him, and act according to his word. He should seem to her like a minister or king, following the desires of his heart, and distancing herself from the things he hates. This is how holy and pure Jews behave in their marriages; these ways are their pleasant and praiseworthy lifestyle.
(יב) וְכֵן אָסְרוּ חֲכָמִים שֶׁלֹּא יְשַׁמֵּשׁ אָדָם מִטָּתוֹ וְלִבּוֹ מְחַשֵּׁב בְּאִשָּׁה אַחֶרֶת. וְלֹא יִבְעל מִתּוֹךְ שִׁכְרוּת וְלֹא מִתּוֹךְ מְרִיבָה וְלֹא מִתּוֹךְ שִׂנְאָה וְלֹא יָבוֹא עָלֶיהָ עַל כָּרְחָהּ וְהִיא יְרֵאָה מִמֶּנּוּ. וְלֹא כְּשֶׁיִּהְיֶה אֶחָד מֵהֶן מְנֻדֶּה. וְלֹא יָבוֹא עָלֶיהָ אַחַר שֶׁגָּמַר בְּלִבּוֹ לְגָרְשָׁהּ. וְאִם עָשָׂה כֵּן הַבָּנִים אֵינָן הֲגוּנִים אֶלָּא מֵהֶן עַזֵּי פָּנִים וּמֵהֶן מוֹרְדִים וּפוֹשְׁעִים:
(12) Similarly, the sages forbade a man to have marital relations while thinking of another woman. Nor may he initiate sex while drunk, nor out of spite or hatred, nor may he rape her or initiate sex while she is afraid. Nor may they have sex while either of them are excommunicated nor after he has decided to divorce her. If [the husband] does any of those things, the children will not be proper [citizens] but brazen, rebellious [people] and criminals.
The Gemara cites another halakha derived from the verse mentioned in the previous discussion. Rami bar Ḥama said that Rav Asi said: It is prohibited for a man to force his wife in the conjugal mitzva, i.e., sexual relations, as it is stated: “And he who hastens with his feet sins” (Proverbs 19:2). The term his feet is understood here as a euphemism for intercourse.
(יא) אָסוּר לְאָדָם לִמְנֹעַ מֵאִשְׁתּוֹ עוֹנָתָהּ; וְאִם מָנְעָה כְּדֵי לְצַעֲרָהּ, עוֹבֵר בְּלֹא תַעֲשֶׂה דְּ''עֹנָתָהּ לֹא יִגְרָע'' (שְׁמוֹת כא, י); וְאִם חָלָה אוֹ תָּשַׁשׁ כֹּחוֹ וְאֵינוֹ יָכוֹל לִבְעֹל, יַמְתִּין שִׁשָּׁה חֳדָשִׁים עַד שֶׁיַּבְרִיא, שֶׁאֵין לְךָ עוֹנָה גְּדוֹלָה מִזּוֹ; וְאַחַר כָּךְ, אוֹ יִטֹּל מִמֶּנָּה רְשׁוּת אוֹ יוֹצִיא וְיִתֵּן כְּתֻבָּה:
(11) It is forbidden for a man to withhold conjugal duties from his wife. If he did so with the intent of causing her pain he has transgressed the prohibition of "Do not reduce her conjugal obligation" (Ex. 21:10) . If he is ill or weakened and he is unable to have intercourse, he waits six months until he becomes healthy, for this is longest period of conjugal duties. After that period he must either get her permission or divorce her and pay the Ketubah.
(ו) ...העונה האמורה בתורה, הטילין בכל יום, הפועלים שתים בשבת, החמרים אחת בשבת, הגמלים אחת לשלשים יום, הספנים אחת לששה חדשים, דברי רבי אליעזר.
(6) ...[The law of providing sexual] pleasure [to one's wife] that is stated in the Torah [is as follows]: one at leisure, daily; laborers, twice a week; donkey drivers, once a week; camel drivers, once every thirty days; navigators every six months; these are the words of Rabbi Eliezer.
When he does return home again, it is his duty to give his wife pleasure, because it was she who acquired for him his heavenly partner. (Zohar, Genesis, 49b-50a)
(יד) תַּשְׁמִישׁ הַמִּטָּה מֵעֹנֶג שַׁבָּת הוּא. לְפִיכָךְ עוֹנַת תַּלְמִידֵי חֲכָמִים הַבְּרִיאִים מְשַׁמְּשִׁין מִלֵּילֵי שַׁבָּת לְלֵילֵי שַׁבָּת.
Sexual relations are considered a dimension of Sabbath pleasure. Therefore Torah scholars fulfill their marital obligations once a week, on the Shabbat.
Rav Yosef taught There must be close bodily contact during sex, unlike the custom of the Persians who preform their marital duties in clothes. This supports the ruling of Rav Huna. As Rav Huna said: A husband who says, "I will not perform [my marital duties] unless I wear my clothes and she wears hers, must [divorce her] and giver her the ketubah [settlement].
“When in the course of cohabitation [the husbands] will hold your pearl in one and the kiln in one hand. You, however, should offer them the pearl, but the kiln you should not offer them until they are tormented, and only then should you offer it to them." - Babylonian Talmud Shabbat 140b
Here is how Rashi explains it. “When your husband caresses you to arouse your desire for intercourse and holds the breasts with one hand and “that place” with the other give the breasts [at first] to increase his passion and do not give him the place of intercourse too soon until his passion increases and he is in pain with desire.” [Rashi to Shabbat 140b].
Excuse Me?
אלא כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו עושה משל לבשר הבא מבית הטבח רצה לאוכלו במלח אוכלו צלי אוכלו מבושל אוכלו שלוק אוכלו וכן דג הבא מבית הצייד
Rather, whatever a man wishes to do with his wife he may do. an allegory, it is like meat that comes from the butcher. If he wants to eat it with salt, he may eat it that way. If he wants to eat it roasted, he may eat it roasted. If he wants to eat it cooked, he may eat it cooked. If he wants to eat it boiled, he may eat it boiled. And likewise with regard to fish that come from the fisherman.
IV. Sex: A Holy and Mystical Act
(יח) שְׁלֹשָׁ֣ה הֵ֭מָּה נִפְלְא֣וּ מִמֶּ֑נִּי וארבע [וְ֝אַרְבָּעָ֗ה] לֹ֣א יְדַעְתִּֽים׃ (יט) דֶּ֤רֶךְ הַנֶּ֨שֶׁר ׀ בַּשָּׁמַיִם֮ דֶּ֥רֶךְ נָחָ֗שׁ עֲלֵ֫י צ֥וּר דֶּֽרֶךְ־אֳנִיָּ֥ה בְלֶב־יָ֑ם וְדֶ֖רֶךְ גֶּ֣בֶר בְּעַלְמָֽה׃
(18) There are three things which are too wonderful for me, Yea, four which I know not: (19) The way of an eagle in the air; The way of a serpent upon a rock; The way of a ship in the midst of the sea; And the way of a man with a young woman.
"Intercourse is a holy and pure thing, when it is done in an appropriate time, and with an appropriate intention. Let no man think that in proper intercourse there is anything blameworthy or perverse. Heaven forbid, for intercourse is called “knowing” (Iggeret Hakodesh, Ch. 2).
"Neither sexual organs nor sexual intercourse are obscene, for how could God create something that contains an obscenity? God created man and woman, and all their organs and functions, with nothing obscene in them. We believe that God created nothing containing either ugliness or obscenity (Iggeret Hakodesh).
"Sexual intercourse is an action that is important, good and valuable to the soul also, and there is no act of flesh and blood that compares with it – if it is done with pure intention and a pure, clean mind, then it is called holy" (Sefer Mor v’Ketziyah).
Zohar Hadash, Bereshit 11a-11b
“You shall sanctify yourselves and you shall be holy (Lev. 11:44). This teaches that one should sanctify oneself during intercourse. What is the relevance of sanctification here? Rabbi Judah ben Jacob said: It means that one should not act licentiously or obscenely, or with whorish intentions like animals, for this is how animals act.
Iggeret Hakodesh (13th c.)
When you and your wife are engaged in sexual union do not behave lightheartedly and regard this act as vain, idle, improper. Therefore, first introduce her into the mood with gentle words that excite her emotion, appease her mind and delight her with joy. Thus you unite your mind and intention with hers. Say to her words which in part arouse in her passion, closeness, love, will, and erotic desire, and in part evoke in her reverence for God, piety and modesty...Never impose yourself upon her nor force her. For any sexual union without an abundance of passion, love and will, is without the Divine Presence. Do not quarrel with her nor act violently whenever coitus is involved. The Talmud says, "A lion ravishes and then eats and has no shame. So acts the brute: He hits and then cohabits and has no shame." Rather, court and attract her to you first with gracious and seductive, as well as refined and gentle words, so that both your intentions be for the sake of God...Do not hurry in arousing passion. Prolong till she is ready and in a passionate mood. Approach her lovingly and passionately, so that she reaches her orgasm first.
"Yet the Kabbalah [Judaic mystical teaching] does address a transcendent potential in sexual union not unlike that described in Eastern tantric traditions. Not only should God be present in lovemaking, but sexual union itself is seen as a vehicle for transcendence, where the union of husband and wife symbolizes the kabbalistic goal of yichud—cosmic merging. I was intrigued to find that a body of law so precise in its code of ethical conduct also contains a teaching on the dissolution of separate existence and the realization of absolute unity" (Edelstein).
"Instead of presenting the sexual system as horizontal in character, he [Ramban] presents it as vertical, with the Shekhinah and the higher worlds connected to reality through the union of husband and wife. Thus not only is the Shekhinah a partner in the union, but the goal of the sexual act itself becomes to draw spiritual abundance and blessing down from the higher world" (Roi).
"In an extraordinary interpretation, the writer explains the sages’ statement 'God considers good intention as if it were deed' (BT Kiddushin 40a) to mean that intention can actually create deeds. This is a subversion of the common interpretation of the sages’ statement. Thus Iggeret ha-Kodesh is one of the earliest works to express the notion that would later be developed in many Kabbalistic works, that meditation is not simply contemplative, but can also design and activate the reality. The holiness of sexual union is therefore the full merging of the spiritual and physical realms" (Roi).
"WIE: Is there within Jewish mysticism any equivalent of sexual tantra?
Rabbi: That’s a situation that I would talk about with some of my male students. A lot of this has to do with intention and with prayer. But the thing that could be said, and that I don’t have to hide, is the attitude of prayer with which people would make love. There was a prayerful attitude in their making love, and they wouldn’t talk but would pray for the next generation that they wanted to bring down. They would pray for each other’s health. So they were in a deep act of prayer.
WIE: Some Western tantric traditions use the time of sexual union to visualize or to pray for something, and in some of the Tibetan practices, one is actually visualizing, during sexual union, ultimate dissolution into emptiness.
Rabbi: In Judaism you have statements like that too. She is supposed to keep in mind the divine name dealing with the Shechina [female principle of God], and he is to keep in mind the divine name of the Holy One, blessed be He. So it’s the male and the female principles. And at the time of their orgasm, they have to just tune into that name.
WIE: Is it supposed to bring you into a meditative realization?
Rabbi: Well, it’s a flip. It doesn’t bring you as you are into the meditative state. It changes you."
- Interview with Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi