1. Death
2. Chevre Kaddisha & Aninut (focus of last session)
3. Funeral (focus of last session)
4. Aveilut--Shiva, sheloshim, shanah (focus of this session)
5. Yahrzeit (focus of this session)
Shiva (literally "seven" in Hebrew) begins the day of the funeral and continues until reaching the 7th day. This is the most intense time for mourning rituals. In our day, the custom is to mourn either in the home the deceased had lived or where the mourners live. The immediate mourners live in the home for all of shiva, the community moves daily minyan to the shiva house (other than Shabbat or yontiff), mourners say kaddish every tefilla on every day, we don't cut our hair, attend parties, or remove our clothing that has been rent. In addition, we light a candle which remains lit for all of shiva, photos and mirrors are covered, and community members visit the mourners.
תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן, וְאֵלּוּ דְּבָרִים שֶׁאָבֵל אָסוּר בָּהֶן: אָסוּר בִּמְלָאכָה וּבִרְחִיצָה וּבְסִיכָה וּבְתַשְׁמִישׁ הַמִּטָּה וּבִנְעִילַת הַסַּנְדָּל. וְאָסוּר לִקְרוֹת בְּתוֹרָה וּבַנְּבִיאִים וּבַכְּתוּבִים, וְלִשְׁנוֹת בַּמִּשְׁנָה, בַּמִּדְרָשׁ וּבָהֲלָכוֹת, וּבַתַּלְמוּד וּבָאַגָּדוֹת. וְאִם הָיוּ רַבִּים צְרִיכִין לוֹ — אֵינוֹ נִמְנָע. וּמַעֲשֶׂה וּמֵת בְּנוֹ שֶׁל רַבִּי יוֹסֵי בְּצִיפּוֹרִי, וְנִכְנַס לְבֵית הַמִּדְרָשׁ, וְדָרַשׁ כׇּל הַיּוֹם כּוּלּוֹ.
§ The Sages taught: These are the activities that a mourner is prohibited from engaging in: He is prohibited from working, and from bathing, and from anointing himself with oil, and from engaging in sexual relations, and from wearing shoes. And he is prohibited from reading in the Torah, and in the Prophets, and in the Writings, and from studying in the Mishna, in the midrash, and in the halakhot, and in the Talmud, and in the aggadot. But if the public needs him to teach them these things, he need not refrain from doing so. There was an incident that the son of Rabbi Yosei died in Tzippori, and Rabbi Yosei entered the study hall and expounded there for the entire day.
מִצְוַת עֲשֵׂה לְהִתְאַבֵּל עַל הַקְּרוֹבִים. שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא י יט) "וְאָכַלְתִּי חַטָּאת הַיּוֹם הַיִּיטַב בְּעֵינֵי ה׳". וְאֵין אֲבֵלוּת מִן הַתּוֹרָה אֶלָּא בְּיוֹם רִאשׁוֹן בִּלְבַד שֶׁהוּא יוֹם הַמִּיתָה וְיוֹם הַקְּבוּרָה. אֲבָל שְׁאָר הַשִּׁבְעָה יָמִים אֵינוֹ דִּין תּוֹרָה. אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר בַּתּוֹרָה (בראשית נ י) "וַיַּעַשׂ לְאָבִיו אֵבֶל שִׁבְעַת יָמִים" נִתְּנָה תּוֹרָה וְנִתְחַדְּשָׁה הֲלָכָה. וּמשֶׁה רַבֵּנוּ תִּקֵּן לָהֶם לְיִשְׂרָאֵל שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי אֲבֵלוּת וְשִׁבְעַת יְמֵי הַמִּשְׁתֶּה:
It is a positive commandment to mourn for one's closest relatives... Mourning is only based on Torah for the first day because it is the day of the death and the day of the funeral. The rest of the seven days are not Torah-mandated, even though it says (Gen 50:10) "...and he mourned for his father seven days." ...Moses our teacher established the seven days of mourning and the seven days of celebrating for Israel.
(א)ענין הקריעה
מִי שֶׁמֵּת לוֹ מֵת וְהוּא מֵהַמֵּתִים שֶׁרָאוּי לְהִתְאַבֵּל עֲלֵיהֶם חַיָּב לִקְרֹעַ עָלָיו וְצָרִיךְ שֶׁיִּקְרַע מְעֻמָּד וְאִם קָרַע מְיֻשָּׁב לֹא יָצָא
(1)LAWS OF RENDING GARMENTS
One who lost one of his near-of-kinfor whom he is required to observe mourning rites, must rend for him. One must rend while standing, and if one rent while sitting, he has not fulfilled his duty.
(טו)
עַל כָּל הַמֵּתִים שׁוֹלֵל לְאַחַר שִׁבְעָה וּמְאַחֶה לְאַחַר שְׁלֹשִׁים יוֹם.
עַל אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ שׁוֹלֵל לְאַחַר שְׁלֹשִׁים יוֹם וְאֵינוֹ מְאַחֶה לְעוֹלָם
(15) For all other dead, one bastes the rent together, — this means to sew with irregular stitches — after seven days, and resews the edges after thirty days,
for one's father or mother, one bastes the rent together after thirty days and never resews the edges;
מצווה לקשר את הצער הפרטי של המשפחה עם הצער של כלל ישראל, ועל ידי כך הצער הפרטי מקבל משמעות ומעורר לתשובה ותיקון. לכן למנהג יוצאי אשכנז, בשעה שהמנחמים נפרדים מהאבלים אומרים: "המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים ולא תוסיפו לדאבה עוד". ויוצאי ספרד נוהגים לומר "מן השמיים תנוחמו".
It's a Mitzvah to connect the personal pain of our family with the pain of all of Klal Yisrael, and on account of this personal pain we receive meaning and are awakened to Teshuvah and Tikkun. And therefore it is the custom of Ashkenazi Jews, in the time they are comforting mourners, to say: May God comfort you amongst the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem, and add to more sorrow. And Sephardic Jews say 'May your comfort come from Heaven.'
In addition to marking the end of Shiva, the 7th day after the funeral immediately begins Sheloshim (which literally means "thirty"). One continues to count the mourning days since the funeral day. In other words, shiva also counts as the first 7 days of sheloshim.
Sheloshim marks a lighter mourning period. Relatives leave the shiva home and return to their homes, mirrors and photos are uncovered, no candle needs remained lit, and daily minyan moves back to the shul.
Mourning rituals that continue are prohibition on hair cutting , wearing new clothing, and attending parties. Mourners continue to say Mourner's Kaddish at every tefillah.
After day 30, all mourning rituals conclude (except Yahrzeit).
For mourners who lose a parent only, Sheloshim prohibitions (the period of lighter mourning) continues for a full 11 months counted from the day of the funeral (just like shiva and sheloshim). However, the tradition is that after a couple months, one can get a haircut and trim the beard. One may attend simcha rituals but not the parties (ie the wedding ceremony but not the party afterwards). Mourner's Kaddish continues to be said through all 11 months.
The one year anniversary, marked on the day of death (not the funeral), during which the mourner says Kaddish for all minyanim that day. Yahrzeit will continue being observed every year on the day of the death. A candle is lit in the home of the mourner; tzedakah is often given.