(12) Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
(16) Honor thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God commanded thee; that thy days may be long, and that it may go well with thee, upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
A rare promise of reward for a mitzvah.
תַּנֵּי רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בַּר יוֹחַאי, שְׁתֵּי מִצְוֹת גִּלָּה הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא מַתַּן שְׂכָרָן, אַחַת קַלָּה שֶׁבְּקָלוֹת, וְאַחַת חֲמוּרָה שֶׁבַּחֲמוּרוֹת. וְאֵלּוּ הֵן. קַלָּה שֶׁבְּקָלוֹת, שִׁלּוּחַ הַקֵּן, וְשָׁם כְּתִיב: וְהֶאֱרַכְתָּ יָמִים (דברים כב, ז). וַחֲמוּרָה שֶׁבַּחֲמוּרוֹת, כִּבּוּד אָב וָאֵם, שֶׁבּוֹ כְּתִיב: לְמַעַן יַאֲרִיכוּן יָמֶיךָ (שם ה, טז)...
R. Simeon ben Johay taught, “For two commandments did the Holy One, blessed be He, reveal their reward. These are the lightest of the light and the weightiest of the weighty ones. The lightest of the light ones is sending away [the mother from] the nest; and there it is written (in Deut. 22:7), ‘and you will prolong your days.’ The most weighty is honoring parents, about which it is [also] written (in Deut. 5:16 // Exod. 20:12), ‘so that you will lengthen your days.’
The relationship to parents is akin to the relationship with God.
(ג) אִישׁ אִמּוֹ וְאָבִיו תִּירָאוּ וְאֶת שַׁבְּתֹתַי תִּשְׁמֹרוּ אֲנִי יי אֱלֹקֵיכֶם.
(3) Ye shall fear/revere/be in awe every man his mother, and his father, and ye shall keep My sabbaths: I am the LORD your God.
Honoring parents is likened to repaying a debt.
אֵֽלּוּ דְבָרִים שֶׁאֵין לָהֶם שִׁעוּר הַפֵּאָה וְהַבִּכּוּרִים וְהָרְ֒אָיוֹן וּגְמִילוּת חֲסָדִים וְתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה: אֵֽלּוּ דְבָרִים שֶׁאָדָם אוֹכֵל פֵּרוֹתֵיהֶם בָּעוֹלָם הַזֶּה וְהַקֶּֽרֶן קַיֶּֽמֶת לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא, וְאֵֽלּוּ הֵן כִּבּוּד אָב וָאֵם וּגְמִילוּת חֲסָדִים וְהַשְׁכָּמַת בֵּית הַמִּדְרָשׁ שַׁחֲרִית וְעַרְבִית וְהַכְנָסַת אוֹרְ֒חִים וּבִקּוּר חוֹלִים וְהַכְנָסַת כַּלָּה וּלְוָיַת הַמֵּת וְעִיּוּן תְּפִלָּה וַהֲבָאַת שָׁלוֹם בֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ ובֵין אִישׁ לְאִשְׁתּוֹ וְתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה כְּנֶֽגֶד כֻּלָּם:
(Mishnah Peah 1:2) These are precepts for which no fixed measure is prescribed: [leaving] the corner [of a field unharvested], [the offering of] the first fruits, the appearance-offering, [performing] deeds of kindness, and the study of Torah. (Shabbat 127a) These are precepts, the fruits of which man enjoys in this world, [while] the principal [reward] is preserved for him in the World-to-Come. They are: honoring father and mother, [performing] deeds of kindness, early attendance in the House of Study morning and evening, providing hospitality to guests, visiting the sick, participating in making a wedding, accompanying the dead [to the grave], concentrating on the meaning of prayers, making peace between fellow men and between husband and wife— and the study of Torah is equal to them all.
(ב) משרשי מצוה זו, שראוי לו לאדם שיכיר ויגמל חסד למי שעשה עמו טובה, ולא יהיה נבל ומתנכר וכפוי טובה שזו מדה רעה ומאוסה בתכלית לפני אלקים ואנשים. ושיתן אל לבו כי האב והאם הם סבת היותו בעולם, ועל כן באמת ראוי לו לעשות להם כל כבוד וכל תועלת שיוכל, כי הם הביאוהו לעולם, גם יגעו בו כמה יגיעות בקטנתו, וכשיקבע זאת המדה בנפשו יעלה ממנה להכיר טובת האל ברוך הוא שהוא סבתו וסבת כל אבותיו עד אדם הראשון, ושהוציאו לאויר העולם וספק צרכו כל ימיו והעמידו על מתכנתו ושלמות אבריו, ונתן בו נפש יודעת ומשכלת, שאלולי הנפש שחננו האל, יהיה כסוס כפרד אין הבין, ויעריך במחשבתו כמה וכמה ראוי להזהר בעבודתו ברוך הוא.
Composed: Middle-Age Spain, c.1255 – c.1285 CE, Anonymous; possibly by R. Aharon HaLevi
(2) From the roots of this commandment is that it is fitting for a person to acknowledge and return kindness to people who were good to him, and not to be an ungrateful scoundrel, because that is a bad and repulsive attribute before God and people. And he should take to heart that the father and the mother are the cause of his being in the world; and hence it is truly fitting to honor them in every way and give every benefit he can to them, because they brought him to the world, and worked hard for him when he was little. And once he fixes this idea in his soul, he will move up from it to recognize the good of God, Blessed be He, who is his cause and the cause of all his ancestors until the first man (Adam), and that he took him out into the world's air, and fulfilled his needs every day, and made his body strong and able to stand, and gave him a mind that knows and learns - for without the mind that God granted him, he would be 'like a horse or a mule who does not understand.' And he should think at length about how very fitting it is to be careful in his worship of the Blessed be He.
So what does honor require, anyway?
From whose funds must one give his father food and drink? Rav Yehuda says: From the money of the son. Rav Natan bar Oshaya said: From the money of the father. The Sages gave this following ruling to Rav Yirmeya, and some say they gave this following ruling to the son of Rav Yirmeya: The halakha is like the one who says it must be paid from the money of the father. The Gemara raises an objection from the following baraita: It is stated: “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:11), and it is stated: “Honor the Lord with your wealth” (Proverbs 3:9), which teaches the following verbal analogy: Just as there one honors God “with your wealth,” i.e., through monetary loss, so too here one must honor his father through monetary loss. And if you say that one honors him from the money of the father, what difference does it make to the son, i.e., what monetary loss does he suffer? The Gemara answers: It makes a difference to him with regard to the neglect of his work. Although he is not required to spend his own money, the son must leave aside his work to honor his father, which will cause him some financial loss. The Gemara suggests: ..
Come and hear: They asked Rabbi Eliezer how far one must go in honoring his father and mother. Rabbi Eliezer said to them: Such that the father takes a purse and throw it into the sea in front of his son, and the son does not embarrass him. And if you say that the son honors him from the money of the father, what difference does it make to the son? Why would the son care if his father throws away his own purse? The Gemara answers: This is referring to a son who is fit to inherit from him. Since the son thinks that the money will eventually belong to him, he has cause for anger. And this is as reflected in an incident involving Rabba bar Rav Huna, when Rav Huna tore silk garments in front of his son Rabba. Rav Huna had said to himself: I will go and see if he becomes angry or does not become angry, i.e., he wanted to test him and see whether his son Rabba would honor him. The Gemara asks: But perhaps his son would become angry and Rav Huna would thereby violate the prohibition of: “Nor put a stumbling block before the blind” (Leviticus 19:14), as by testing his son Rav Huna would have caused him to sin. The Gemara answers: It was a case where the father had forgone his honor from the outset. Consequently, even if the son grew angry with him, he would not have violated the mitzva.
What about when dementia sets in?
(י) מִי שֶׁנִּטְרְפָה דַּעְתּוֹ שֶׁל אָבִיו אוֹ שֶׁל אִמּוֹ מִשְׁתַּדֵּל לִנְהֹג עִמָּהֶם כְּפִי דַּעְתָּם עַד שֶׁיְּרֻחַם עֲלֵיהֶן. וְאִם אִי אֶפְשָׁר לוֹ לַעֲמֹד מִפְּנֵי שֶׁנִּשְׁתַּטּוּ בְּיוֹתֵר יְנִיחֵם וְיֵלֵךְ לוֹ וִיצַוֶּה אֲחֵרִים לְהַנְהִיגָם כָּרָאוּי לָהֶם:
Maimonides, (1135-1204)
(10) When a person's father or mother lose control of their mental faculties, their son should try to conduct his relationship with them according to their mental condition until God has mercy upon them. If it is impossible for him to remain with them because they have become very deranged, he should leave them, depart, and charge others with caring for them in an appropriate manner.
R. Abraham ben David (c. 1125 –1198), Posquieres
This is not a correct ruling! If he goes and leaves him, who shall he command to watch him?!
Are there responsibilities to a parent who was abusive?
R. Mark Dratch, Hakira Journal, Honoring Abusive Parents
R. David Cohen suggests yet another reason for exempting an abused child from the obligation of honor. Asserting that there are limits to how much a person is allowed to spend in order to fulfill a positive commandment—no more than one-fifth of one’s monetary assets—he argues that emotional distress and psychological consequences are excessive personal costs that free one from an obligation. He maintains that Halakhah does not re-victimize abused children by forcing them to honor their abusers; that would by a price much too high to pay.
Furthermore, the Talmud concludes that while a child must expend time and effort in order to honor a parent, the child does not have to spend any personal resources; the obligation is fulfilled mishel av, with parental assets. While many acts of honor make demands on a child’s time, emotions, and energies, the emotional and psychological burdens imposed on an abused child in order to honor an abusive parent far surpass any appropriate mi-shel ben filial (responsibility). In addition, children are not obligated to honor parents when the expressions of that honor support sinful acts. Acts of abuse are sinful and children are not required to submit to them.
R. Mark Dratch, ibid.
Is mourning for abusive parents obligatory, discretionary, or prohibited? There is no obligation to mourn for an abusive parent. If the mourning is for the sake of the memory and honor of the deceased, then an abusive parent who is classified as a rasha should not be mourned. And if mourning is for the sake of the living, then it is up to the children to decide, in consultation with their rabbis and mental health professionals, on their psychological readiness and the appropriateness of engaging in traditional mourning practices. If the children decide that they are psychologically strong enough to mourn, and that sitting shivah is not perceived by them as a continuation of the burden of abuse they suffered during their parents’ lifetimes, they may choose to observe these practices. However, if mourning would place too heavy an emotional burden on them, they should not sit shivah or observe other mourning practices. If, at sometime in the future, as part of their ongoing healing process they choose to mourn their abusive parent, they may determine the appropriate and meaningful ways to do so.
https://hakirah.org/Vol%2012%20Dratch.pdf?gathStatIcon=true
A Yizkor Meditation in Memory of a Parent Who Was Hurtful
Mahzor Lev Shalem, Rabbinical Assembly, 2010, p. 292
Dear God,
You know my heart.
Indeed, You know me bet- ter than I know myself, so I turn to You before I rise for Kaddish.
My emotions swirl
as I say this prayer. The parent I remember was not kind to me. His/her death left me with a leg- acy of unhealed wounds, of anger and of dismay that a parent could hurt a child as I was hurt.
I do not want to pre- tend to love, or to grief that I do not feel, but I do want to do what is right as a Jew and as a child.
Help me, O God,
to subdue my bitter emotions that do me no good, and to find that place in myself where happier memories may lie hidden, and where grief for all that could have been, all that should have been, may be calmed by forgiveness, or at least soothed by the passage of time.
I pray that You,
who raise up slaves to freedom, will liberate me from the oppression of my hurt and anger, and that You will lead me from this desert to Your holy place.
—Robert Saks
What is the relationship between honor and love?
Rabbi José said: Isaac observed mourning during three years || for his mother. After three years he married Rebecca, and forgot the mourning for his mother. Hence thou mayest learn that until a man marries a wife his love centres in his parents. When he marries a wife his love is bestowed upon his wife, as it is said, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and he shall cleave unto his wife" (Gen. 2:24). Does a man then leave his father and mother with reference to the precept, "Honour"? But the love of his soul cleaves unto his wife, as it is said, "And his soul clave (unto Dinah)" (Gen. 34:3); and it says, "And he shall cleave unto his wife" (Gen. 2:24).
הלכות כבוד אב ואם (י"ד סימן ר"מ):
...ופשיטא שצריך לאהבה אותם כגופו שהרי הוא בכלל ואהבת לרעך כמוך אלא שבאביו ואמו הוקש אהבתם לאהבת המקום כדאית' בזוהר תצא כגברא דאשתדל בתר אבוהי ואמיה דרחים לון יתיר מגרמיה ונפשיה ורוחיה ונשמתיה וכל עלמא דהוי ליה חשיב ליה לאין למעבד ביה רעותא דאבוי ואמיה עכ"ל ואמרו רז"ל דכל מצות הבן על האב ואם היא פרעון חוב שהבן חייב לפרוע לאביו ולאמו הטיבה שגמלוהו ומי שאינו מכבדם נקרא רשע דכתיב לוה רשע ולא ישלם ואם כן בכלל הפרעון שיאהוב אותם אהבה עזה כדרך שהיו אוהבים אותו ולא יהיו עליו לטורח ולמשא ואם אין אדם מכבד אביו ואמו גזרות קשות באות עליו כדכתיב בכבוד המקום יען כי נגש העם הזה בפיו ובשפתיו כבדוני ולבו רחק ממני...
(Chayei Adam is a work of Jewish law by Rabbi Avraham Danzig (1748–1820; Translation below by Gerald Blidstein, Honor Thy Father and Mother (Augmented Edition), Brooklyn, NY: Ktav, 2019, p. 57.)
...Obviously, a man ought to love his parents as himself, for they are included in "You shall love your neighbor as yourself (Lev. 19:18). But the love of parents is compared to the love of God, as we read in Zohar: "a man ought to do all for his mother and father and love them more than himself, and his sould and all he possesses ought to be held as nought in his zeal to do their will."
Our sages have said that the obligation of a son toward his father are repayment of the debt owed the parents for their good nurture...Part of this repayment must be that he love them strongly, as they loved him, and that he not consider them an unwelcome burden...
"Honor" is a matter of thought, deed, and speech. In thought,...he must honor them in his heart, that they be in his eyes great and distinguished, though they are unimportant in the eyes of other men. And this is the essence of "honor," for if one does not do so, he fits the description of Scripture: "Forasmuch as this people draw near, and with their mouth and with their lips do honor Me, but have removed their heart from Me..." (Isaiah 29:13).
Lo, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before the coming of the awesome, fearful day of GOD.