The Amen Effect -- chapter 2: PLEASE, HOLD ON Sheet 3: Seeking Love and Belonging

Joshua ben Perahiah and Nittai the Arbelite received [the oral tradition] from them. Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: appoint for yourself a teacher, and acquire for yourself a companion and judge all people with the scale weighted in their favor.

And he said, "acquire for yourself a friend". He said it with an expression of acquisition and he did not say, "Make for yourself a friend," or "Befriend others." The intention of this is that a person must acquire a friend for herself, so that all of her deeds and actions will be refined through this friend, as they said (Taanit 23a), "Either a friend or death."

And if she does not find this friend, she must make efforts for it with all her heart, and even if she must lead another to this friendship, until the person becomes a real friend. And [then] she must never let off from following [her friend's] will, until his friendship is firmed up. [It is] as the masters of ethics say, "When you love, do not love according to your traits; but rather love according to the trait of your friend."

And when each of the friends has the intention to fulfill the will of the other, the intention of both of them will be one without a doubt. And how good is the statement of Aristotle, "The friend is one."

And there are three types of loving relationships: a mutually beneficial relationship, a relationship of mutual ease and a relationship of higher purpose.

Indeed, a mutually beneficial relationship is like the friendship of two [business] partners and the friendship of a king and his subjects;

whereas there are two types of relationship of mutual ease: the relationship of joy and the relationship of security.

Indeed, the relationship of joy is like the friendship of intimate partners and similar to it; whereas the relationship of security is when a person has a friend to whom he can confide his soul. He will not keep anything from him - not in action and not in speech. He'll share all of his affairs-- the good ones and the disgraceful-- without fearing that he'll suffer any loss as a result, not from him or from anyone else. As when a person has such a level of trust in another, he finds great comfort in his words and in his abiding love.

And a relationship of higher purpose is when the desire of both of them and their intention is for one thing, and that is the greater good. And each one wants to be helped by the other in reaching this good for both of them together. And this is the kind of love a person is commanded to acquire; and it is like the love of the teacher for the student and of the student for the teacher.