Topics Page: Marriage

(1) Before the Torah was given, when a man would meet a woman in the marketplace and he and she decided to marry, he would bring her home, conduct relations in private and thus make her his wife. Once the Torah was given, the Jews were commanded that when a man desires to marry a woman, he must acquire her as a wife in the presence of witnesses. [Only] after this, does she become his wife. This is [alluded to in Deuteronomy 22:13]: "When a man takes a wife and has relations with her...."

על כן יעזב איש, some commentators believe that these words were spoken by Moses, not by Adam. The correct interpretation is that they were spoken by Adam, seeing that he was aware that he would father children, for this was why he had been created, in order to populate earth and ensure that his species would be perpetuated on earth, just as all the other species of living creatures. The plain meaning of our verse is close to the words of Targum Onkelos: על כן ישבוק גבר בית משכבי אבוהי ואמיה, “for this purpose a man will leave the house of his father and mother, etc.” The point of all this is that the Torah did not give permission for man to leave, move away from his parents, in order to devote himself to his wife instead, but in order to fulfill the commandment to found his own family, have children. Man is supposed to live in a separate dwelling, separate from that of his parents, in order to have and raise his children.

(3) The wedding consists of two stages, irusin (betrothal) and nissuin (nuptials), which are kiddushin and chupah. Betrothal is kiddushin and nuptials are chupah. However, today people commonly call the party at which the couple celebrates their decision to get married (engagement), betrothal (irusin); and after this party, they call the bride and groom, betrothed. Yet according to Jewish law, they are not truly betrothed, but rather just engaged (mesudakhim); since betrothal is kiddushin, meaning the stage at which the groom sanctifies the relationship with the bride. Technically, the man can sanctify the relationship with his wife in three ways: With money, with a contract or with intercourse (Mishnah Kiddushin 1:1). However, in practice, everyone is accustomed to do the sanctification with the acquisition of money, which is done by the groom giving the bride a ring and saying the formula, "Behold you are designated (mekudeshet) to me with this ring, according to the law of Moshe and Israel." From the betrothal onwards, the bride is considered a married woman; so if they want to separate, the groom will need to give the bride a bill of divorce. However even after the betrothal, it is forbidden for the groom and bride to begin living together. It is only permitted for them to live together after the nuptials which are performed by way of standing under a canopy and saying the seven blessings (of marriage).

(4) In the past, it was customary to wait twelve months between the betrothal and the nuptials, meaning between kiddushin and chupah. During that year the couple would prepare for the wedding from an inner perspective, and also ready the house, the wedding banquet and their outfits. It is not difficult to pick up on the special beauty of the couple's prolonged one-year wait, during which they looked ahead and longed for the wedding day, on which they would begin to live together. That year would deepen the inner and spiritual connection between them.

(5) But with the passage of time and exile, it became necessary to combine the betrothal and the nuptials. To begin with, there were cases in which the family of the bride or groom was forced to run away from where they lived between the betrothal and the nuptials, such that the couple remained bound to each other with the betrothal, but unable to fulfill that bond with the nuptials or to sever it with a bill of divorce. There were [also] cases in which the couple was not careful to remain chaste with one another between the betrothal and the nuptials. Due to these reasons, the Jewish people took on the custom to combine the time of the betrothal and the time of the nuptials and make it one, the wedding day. So during the wedding, we perform the betrothal - which is kiddushin with a ring; as well as the nuptials, by standing under the canopy.

With money, how is the woman betrothed?, he gives her, in front of 2 witnesses a 'Pruta' or something worth 'the value of a pruta' and says, "Harei At Mekudeshet Li BaZeh" (With this, you are betrothed to me). [Rama: and there are those who say that he should add to this "according to the daat (religion) of Moses and Israel," and it is customary, a-priori, to betroth her with a ring, and there is a reason for this from the Tikunei Zohar (that the ring needs to be round with no breaks, like the letter "Samach" ed.)] And this is the same law if he said to her, "Harei you are... 'engaged to me,' or 'you are to me for a wife,'..." and the same for any language that have the essence of certain language of betrothal in that region and ONLY if she clearly understands that this is language of betrothal and if he spoke of marriage with her beforehand about the business of marriage and he gave her the gift (Pruta or Sheva-Pruta), then even in silence (and in front of two witnesses), she is betrothed. And if he is he is still involved in the same subject (of marriage), and of course, if he uses a certain language of betrothal, rather she does not (completely) understand his exact words, they are still betrothed. [Rama: Some say that the subject about which they are speaking is not necessarily marriage itself, rather they are speaking of subjects related to the subject of marriage and not about betrothal directly, rather they are speaking about the needs of the couple's relationship. And other say that it is not this subject about which they he is speaking with her, rather all the discussion before (he gives her the pruta) that apply in this matter.]

(1) Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast created all things to thy glory.

(2) Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, Creator of man.

(3) Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast made man in thine image, after thy likeness, and hast prepared unto him, out of his very self, a perpetual fabric. Blessed art thou, O Lord, Creator of man.

(4) May she who was barren (Zion) be exceeding glad and exult, when her children are gathered within her in joy. Blessed art thou, O Lord, who makest Zion joyful through her children.

(5) O make these loved companions greatly to rejoice, even as of old thou didst gladden thy creature in the garden of Eden. Blessed art thou, O Lord, who makest bridegroom and bride to rejoice.

(6) Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast created joy and gladness, bridegroom and bride, mirth and exultation, pleasure and delight, love, brotherhood, peace and fellowship. Soon may there be heard in the cities of Judah, and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the jubilant voice of bridegrooms from their canopies, and of youths from their feasts of song. Blessed art thou, O Lord, who makest the bridegroom to rejoice with the bride.

(7) Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who createst the fruit of the vine.

(1) The Wedding and its Customs: The Custom of the Seven Circles According to Ashkenazic Practice

(2) According to Ashkenazic practice, after the bride walks under the wedding canopy, she walks around the groom seven times, together with her attendants. She then stands on his right. The seven circles are meant to express that the wedding is for the sake of Heaven; and corresponding to the Holy One, blessed be He, revealing Himself in the seven firmaments, the bride walks around the groom seven times.

(3) The deeper reason is that every time we make circles, it hints to a level that is greater and higher than what we can understand. That is the difference between the status of a line and the status of a circle: A straight line has a beginning and end, something which expresses our ability to contemplate any linear idea in a systematic way. For it has a postulate from which another postulate is derived, until we reach a concluding thought. But a circle has no beginning nor end, to hint at our dealing with an infinite idea that we cannot fully absorb, but which has a powerful influence upon us. As behold it completely surrounds our awareness and provides it with inspiration. Speech is hinted to by a line, but what is beyond speech is hinted to by a circle. Hence when we finish reading the Torah on Simchat Torah, it is customary to have hakafot (dancing in circles around the bimah), to hint that after all that we have merited to study and understand, we still have only absorbed a tiny fraction of the Torah's divine wisdom. Yet since we have merited to occupy ourselves with it, it surrounds us and we then merit to acquire inspiration that directs our thoughts and elevates our ways. So too at the time of a wedding, the excitement is so great and its meaning so deep and sublime; so much so that all of the blessings and all of the words that we say at the wedding are not able to express the greatness of its importance. So because of that, we have these circles; to express what is above and beyond words and to allow for inspiration from it.

§ Rav Huna says: The ceremony of the wedding canopy effects acquisition of the woman, as is derived through an a fortiori inference: If money, which does not enable the wife to partake of teruma, as the daughter of a non-priest betrothed to a priest may not yet partake of teruma, effects acquisition of a woman for betrothal, is it not logical that a wedding canopy, which enables her to partake of teruma, as once a woman has entered the wedding canopy it is permitted for her to partake of teruma due to her husband the priest, should also effect acquisition of a woman by her husband? The Gemara asks: And does betrothal money not enable a woman to partake of teruma? But didn’t Ulla say: By Torah law the daughter of a non-priest who is betrothed to a priest may partake of teruma immediately upon her betrothal, as it is stated: “But if a priest buy any soul, the acquisition of his money, he may eat of it” (Leviticus 22:11), and this woman is considered the acquisition of his money. And what is the reason that the Sages said that she may not partake of teruma? It is a rabbinic decree lest they pour her a cup of teruma wine in her father’s house, where she is staying before her marriage, and she give to her brothers and sisters to drink, as it is prohibited for them to partake of teruma. If so, by Torah law a woman may partake of teruma once she has been betrothed with money. Consequently, the above a fortiori inference that entering a wedding canopy can effect betrothal is invalid. Rather, the Gemara emends Rav Huna’s statement and says that he refutes the opinion that entering a wedding canopy does not effect betrothal as follows: If money, which does not complete the acquisition of a woman, as a young woman remains under her father’s authority with regard to certain issues, nevertheless effects acquisition of her for the stage of betrothal, is it not logical that a wedding canopy, which completes the marriage, since it entirely removes a young woman from her father’s authority, can effect acquisition for betrothal on its own? The Gemara rejects this claim: What is unique about money is that it can effect acquisition in many contexts, as one can redeem with it consecrated property and second tithe. This is not so with regard to a wedding canopy, which is ineffective in effecting any acquisition other than marriage. Therefore, in the case of betrothal, money can effect betrothal while a wedding canopy cannot. The Gemara counters: The halakha of sexual intercourse proves otherwise, as this act serves to effect acquisition of a woman despite the fact that it is not a valid mode of acquisition in any other case. The Gemara counters: What is unique about sexual intercourse is that it effects acquisition of a yevama, whereas a yavam does not acquire her via a wedding canopy. The Gemara answers: Money proves otherwise, as money cannot be used to acquire a yevama, and yet it is a valid mode for acquiring a woman. And the derivation has reverted to its starting point: The aspect of this mode, money, is not like the aspect of that mode, intercourse, and the aspect of that mode, intercourse, is not like the aspect of this mode, money. Their common denominator is that they generally effect acquisition, and they effect acquisition here, with regard to betrothal. Likewise, I will bring the mode of a wedding canopy, which generally effects acquisition, rendering a woman as married, and therefore it should also effect acquisition here. The Gemara rejects this: What about the fact that the common denominator of money and intercourse is that their benefit, i.e., pleasure, is great? The Gemara says: The case of a document proves otherwise, as no great pleasure is derived from receiving a document, and yet it can be used to acquire a woman. The Gemara answers: What is unique about a document is that it can release a Jewish woman from her husband in the form of a bill of divorce. The Gemara answers: Money and intercourse prove otherwise, as they do not release a woman and yet they are valid modes of acquisition for betrothal. And once again, the derivation has reverted to its starting point: The aspect of this mode is not like the aspect of that mode, and the aspect of that mode is not like the aspect of this mode. Their common denominator is that they generally effect acquisition and they effect acquisition here, with regard to betrothal. Likewise, I will bring the mode of a wedding canopy, which generally effects acquisition, and therefore it should also effect acquisition here. The Gemara again rejects this claim: What about the fact that the common denominator of all three modes of acquisition is that they are effective in certain situations against her will? A bill of divorce, sexual intercourse in the case of a yevama, and money with regard to a Hebrew maidservant all effect acquisition of a woman against her will. Therefore, the mode of a wedding canopy cannot be derived from these methods, as a wedding canopy is effective only when the woman enters it willingly. And in response to this claim Rav Huna would answer: In any event, with regard to marriage, we have not found a case in which a woman can be acquired through money against her will. Consequently, it is possible to learn from the modes of money, a document, and intercourse that a wedding canopy likewise effects betrothal. Rava said: There are two refutations of this matter, i.e., it is possible to refute Rav Huna’s opinion in two ways. One opinion is that we learned in the mishna that a woman can be acquired through three modes of acquisition, and we did not learn that there are four modes. This indicates that there are no other ways to acquire a woman apart from the three listed in the mishna. And furthermore, Rava disagrees with the main point of the proof, which was based on the fact that a wedding canopy completes a marriage: Doesn’t entering a wedding canopy complete a marriage only by means of an act of betrothal, which precedes the wedding canopy? And can one derive that entering a wedding canopy effects acquisition without betrothal from the case of entering a wedding canopy that effects acquisition by means of betrothal? Consequently, entering a wedding canopy alone cannot effect a betrothal. Abaye said to Rava in response to his two claims: With regard to that which you said, that we learned in the mishna three modes and we did not learn that there are four modes, this is no proof, as the tanna teaches only a matter that is explicitly written in the Torah, and does not teach a matter that is not explicitly written in the Torah, such as a wedding canopy. And with regard to that which you said: Doesn’t entering a wedding canopy complete a marriage only by means of an act of betrothal, this is also what Rav Huna is saying, i.e., Rav Huna incorporates this claim into his reasoning: If money, which does not complete a marriage after money, i.e., after a woman has been betrothed through money an additional monetary gift cannot render her a fully married woman, effects acquisition of the woman in the form of betrothal, is it not logical that entering a wedding canopy, which is more powerful than money in that it completes a marriage after money, should effect acquisition and be used to perform betrothal by itself?

(21) He used to say: At five years of age the study of Scripture; At ten the study of Mishnah; At thirteen subject to the commandments; At fifteen the study of Talmud; At eighteen the bridal canopy; At twenty for pursuit [of livelihood]; At thirty the peak of strength; At forty wisdom; At fifty able to give counsel; At sixty old age; At seventy fullness of years; At eighty the age of “strength”; At ninety a bent body; At one hundred, as good as dead and gone completely out of the world.

(4) On the... [day] in the week, in the... month, the year, 57... from the creation of the world, according to the count that we are counting here... , ... the son of... said to this... the daughter of..., "Be my wife, according to the law of Moses and Israel. And I will work to honor, feed, support and maintain you, according to the laws of Jewish men, who faithfully work to honor, feed and support their wives. And I will give you... silver zuz... , which is due to you...; and your food, clothing and needs and to live with you in the manner of the whole world." And Miss ... here agreed and became his wife. And this dowry that she brought in to him from the house of... - whether in silver, in gold, in jewelry, in clothing apparel, in houseware or in bedclothes - our groom has assumed upon himself for... pieces of refined silver. And our groom... agreed and added another... pieces of refined silver from his own corresponding to them - all in all... pieces of refined silver. And our groom... said as follows, "I accept responsibility upon myself and upon my inheritors after me for this marriage contract, for this dowry and for this addition (to the dowry), to be paid from all the best of my properties and possessions under all the skies, that I have acquired or that I will acquire in the future. Whether they are properties that are liened or are not liened, they are all liable and guarantee payment of this marriage contract, this dowry and this addition from me - and even from the cloak on my shoulder. [This holds] during my lifetime and after my lifetime, from today and forever." And our groom... has accepted responsibility and the stringencies of this marriage contract, this dowry and this addition, in accordance with the stringencies of all marriage contracts, dowries and additions customary with regards to the daughters of Israel that are made according to the ordinance of our Sages, may their memory be blessed. This is not like a conjectural agreement nor like a contract template. And it has been validated by our groom... the son of... towards... the daughter of... here about everything that is written and specified above with an object fit to make such a validation (kinyan). It is all binding and established.

(2) אל מול פני האהל OPPOSITE THE FRONT OF THE TENT; half of its breadth (two cubits) hung down, being doubled, over the screen which was on the east side before the entrance, whereby the Tabernacle gained the appearance of a modest bride who has her face covered by a veil.

(20) So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her. (21) Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife, for my time is fulfilled, that I may cohabit with her.” (22) And Laban gathered all the people of the place and made a feast. (23) When evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to him; and he cohabited with her.— (24) Laban had given his maidservant Zilpah to his daughter Leah as her maid.— (25) When morning came, there was Leah! So he said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I was in your service for Rachel! Why did you deceive me?” (26) Laban said, “It is not the practice in our place to marry off the younger before the older. (27) Wait until the bridal week of this one is over and we will give you that one too, provided you serve me another seven years.” (28) Jacob did so; he waited out the bridal week of the one, and then he gave him his daughter Rachel as wife.— (29) Laban had given his maidservant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her maid.— (30) And Jacob cohabited with Rachel also; indeed, he loved Rachel more than Leah. And he served him another seven years.

(2) Another thing that is said in Proverbs 18:22 is "He who finds a wife finds a good thing." And here you say in Ecclesiastes 7:26, "And I find more bitter than death the woman." But if she is a wicked woman, there is no end to her evil. And if she is a good woman, there is no end to her goodness. Therefore, find a wife and find a good thing. Even before the creation of woman, what is written in Genesis 2:18, "It is not good for man to be alone." After she was created, what is written in Genesis 1:31, "And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good." Therefore, find the good. Our sages said that anyone who does not have a wife is lacking five things. Lacking blessing, as it is said in Genesis 1:28, "And God blessed them." It says them, not him. Lacking life, as it is said in Ecclesiastes 9:9, "Live joyfully with the wife whom you love." Lacking joy, as it is said in Proverbs 5:18, "Rejoice with the wife of your youth." Lacking assistance, as it is said in Genesis 2:18, "I will make a helpmate for him." Lacking goodness, as it is said in Proverbs 18:22, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing." And when she is wicked, it is good to find that she brings all goodness out of her husband's home and makes him poor. But if she is a good woman, what is written about her in Proverbs 31:10, "A capable wife, who can find? Her value is far beyond pearls." And it is written in Proverbs 12:4, "A capable wife is a crown for her husband." And regarding this, it is said in Proverbs 19:14, "And he obtains favor from God." And also, it says in Proverbs 31:10, "An understanding wife is from God." Come and see how difficult the power of marriage is. In the Torah, in the Prophets, and in the Writings, God's name is mentioned in connection with marriage. In the Torah, as it is said in Genesis 24:50, "The matter emanates from God." In the Prophets, as it is said in Judges 14:4, "But his father and mother did not know that it was of the Lord." In the Writings, as it is said in Proverbs 18:22, "And he obtains favor from God." Therefore, His name is connected with marriage.

(2) וארא, “I saw;” another parable will illustrate what Moses meant. Moses saw the golden calf the people had made and as a result he broke the Tablets. Imagine a king who had become engaged to be married to a certain lady, having told her that he would send her the marriage certificate, ketuvah¸ after a certain period of time, using his best man as the messenger. By the time the document had been written and he had found his best man, he found out that the lady was not worthy to become his wife. What did he do? He tore up the marriage certificate. His reasoning was that it was in that lady’s interest instead of becoming an unfaithful wife after the marriage ceremony, to remain unmarried when her conduct was subject to a lesser penalty. The same happened with the relationship between G–d and Israel at that time. Israel had become betrothed to G–d at time of the revelation at Mount Sinai. The Tablets were meant to be the marriage document that He would give His people forty days later. When Moses saw how corrupt they had become in the interval, he decided that it was in their best interest to tear up the marriage document, i.e. the Tablets, so as to make their legal status less serious than if they had committed adultery after the wedding ceremony. (Tanchuma, section 11)

(1) A person who has difficulty finding a marriage partner should recite “The Song at the Sea” (Exodus 15:1-19) with concentration.

(2) Reciting the Sanctification of the New Moon is a segulah for finding one’s match. This is hinted at by the Hebrew word for moon—LeVaNaH—which is spelled with the first letters of “B’tulah Ni’sait L’yom Har’ve’ee (A virgin marries on the fourth day of the week)” (Ketuvot 2a; see Glossary, “B”).

(3) A person gains prosperity and blessing by taking a Torah scholar as his son-in-law.

(4) Taking a Torah scholar as one’s son-in-law saves a person from the punishment he deserves for giving harmful advice to a fellow Jew.

(5) Taking a Torah scholar as one’s son-in-law brings to the appointment of proper judges.

(6) A person who has difficulty finding a marriage partner should recite the Torah section about the Temple sacrifices brought by the princes of the twelve tribes (Numbers 7).

(7) The pairing of potential marriage partners, even if only discussed and never actualized, is also from Heaven. Mere suggestion of the match has an effect on each of the potential partners.

(8) The veil used to cover a bride before the ceremony carries with it a blessing for children.

(9) Through prayer a person can exchange the marriage partner decreed for him in heaven.

(10) When a husband and wife are careful not to share sleeping quarters with another couple, even for one night, they merit having Kohanim and prestigious individuals for sons-in-law.

(11) When a widower remarries, his first wife suffers in the grave.

(50) So with the exchanges (in the order of the letters), the raw material has brought out matters that are contrary. For example, I heard it said that the fools flip the word, betzelo (in his shade) [in the phrase] (Song of Songs 2:3), "I delight to sit in his shade." So they said, tzaluv (the crucified one), is added [here]. And the one who interpreted it like this said, "I delight to sit in the shade of the crucified one." As he went with this, he did not know the statement (Deuteronomy 21:23), "Do not leave his corpse overnight on the stake." And the proof [that it is incorrect is in the continuation of the verse], "for a hanging corpse is an affront to God," [such that] one would not want to sit in its shade. Rather, one who wants to hang, 'should hang upon a tall tree.' And this is the foolishness and evil of the one who wants to transform the words of the Torah into heresy. For behold, if the Song of Songs - which is the holy of holies - were to be profane and all of its ideas like their simple understanding, God forbid, all of its words would only indicate the love of a physical bride and groom. 'But wickedness be far from God; wrongdoing, from the Omnipresent.' There was never a proper sage - one from the Children of Israel, who are the holy descendants from the children of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov and the students of Moshe, Aharon, David and Shlomo - who [even] considered that the Song of Songs is anything but a parable for the Congregation of Israel together with the Holy One, blessed be He. For He is like a perfect Groom to her in all matters, and she is like a perfect bride in all matters, He in divinity and she in humanity. And the love and clinging between them is shared in the way of ascent and descent - this One ascends and that one descends. "Who is this one who has ascended from the desert" (Song of Songs 3:6); "I have descended to the walnut orchard" (Song of Songs 6:11). This hints to the virgin, the blessing for whose blood is, "who has set the walnut tree [in] the Garden of Eden."

מי האיש אשר בנה בית חדש ולא חנכו ילך וישוב לביתו . The same rule applies to someone who has planted a vineyard and not consecrated it, or to someone who is betrothed to a girl and has not yet wed her. Remember that there are three periods each of which is described as עולם הבא, "the World to Come," as we know from the Sabbath morning prayer הכל יודוך. In our liturgy we describe these various periods of time as 1) חיי העולם הבא, 2) ימות המשיח, 3) תחיית המתים. The period described as חיי העולם הבא refers to a "home," i.e. a dwelling equipped with the type of furnishings that are in keeping with the relative merit each righteous person has achieved during his lifetime on earth. The period called ימות המשיח refers to the period when man and woman join in matrimony, i.e. when G–d and the mystical equivalent of the Jewish people called כנסת ישראל form a permanent bond. This period is referred to by the prophet Isaiah 62,5: "As a youth espouses a maiden, your sons shall espouse Me; and as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your G–d rejoice over you." After this period called תחיית המתים, "the resurrection of the dead," there comes the period of eternity, something which has not been described by any prophet since none have been shown it. Our sages have alluded to this period as the period of the יין המשומר בענביו מששת ימי בראשית והוא כרם השם צבאות, a period when wine will be served which has been preserved in its grapes ever since the six days of Creation. G–d regards this as His personal vineyard. A sinner has to return home instead of fighting in the war called מלחמת רשות. A sinner is a person who has not yet completed his preparations for entry into any of these phases of the World to Come. The Torah merely alludes to this by giving examples of people who have undertaken three different types of crucial enterprises without having completed their tasks. When the Torah stresses that anyone of these three categories of people is to ישוב לביתו "return" home, this is a not so subtle hint to the sinner to engage in repentance, תשובה.