Enmeshment,Our Sense of Self & Redefining אהבה

Gevurah is the ability to set boundaries

PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENON: ENMESHMENT
Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear thus there are no real boundaries.

Salvador Minuchen introduced the concept of "enmeshed" families in his family systems theory in the mid-1970s. There are varying degrees of enmeshment, when it does exist. An enmeshed family allows individual members little to no autonomy or personal boundaries.
-Healthy emotional and physical boundaries are the basis of healthy relationships. Enmeshed relationships, however, are bereft of these boundaries
-People in enmeshed relationships are defined more by the relationship than by their individuality
פרקי אבות: ה; טז
כָּל אַהֲבָה שֶׁהִיא תְלוּיָה בְדָבָר, בָּטֵל דָּבָר, בְּטֵלָה אַהֲבָה. וְשֶׁאֵינָהּ תְּלוּיָה בְדָבָר, אֵינָהּ בְּטֵלָה לְעוֹלָם. אֵיזוֹ הִיא אַהֲבָה הַתְּלוּיָה בְדָבָר, זוֹ אַהֲבַת אַמְנוֹן וְתָמָר. וְשֶׁאֵינָהּ תְּלוּיָה בְדָבָר, זוֹ אַהֲבַת
דָּוִד וִיהוֹנָתָןז
-AHAVA SHEH AYNAH TELUYAH BDVAR MEANS WE DONT DEPEND ON THE OTHER PERSON FOR OUR SENSE OF SELF.
They depend on each other to fulfill their emotional needs, “to make them feel good, whole or healthy, but they do it in a way that sacrifices psychological health.” In other words, “their self-concept is defined by the other person,” and they “lose their individuality to get their needs met.”
-ENMESHMENT IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF AHAVA SHAYNA TELUYAH BDVAR
-ROOT OF THE WORD AHAVA IS HAV,TO GIVE BUT TO GIVE ONE MUST HAVE BOUNDARIES. JUST LIKE CHESSED CAN BE A PROSTITUTE WHEN IT HAS NO BOUNDARIES
Rosenberg shared these signs, which are indicative of enmeshed relationships.

• You neglect other relationships because of a preoccupation or compulsion to be in the relationship.
• Your happiness or contentment relies on your relationship.
• Your self-esteem is contingent upon this relationship.
• When there’s a conflict or disagreement in your relationship, you feel extreme anxiety or fear or a compulsion to fix the problem.
• When you’re not around this person or can’t talk to them, “a feeling of loneliness pervades [your] psyche. Without that connection, the loneliness will increase to the point of creating irrational desires to reconnect.”
• There’s a “symbiotic emotional connection.” If they’re angry, anxious or depressed, you’re also angry, anxious or depressed. “You absorb those feelings and are drawn to remediate them.”

How does on acquire such a strong sense of their OWN self identity:
Yitzchak was forced to form his own identity, he almost had to die.
When one comes close to death,they realize the value of their life and their own sense of self

Enmeshment is different than two people being very close. Close relationships are a wonderful part of life and often allow for appropriate independence within the relationship. Enmeshment, however, becomes a problem because the individuals involved start to lose their own emotional identity. They lack a certain level of autonomy that they need in order to grow emotionally and relationally. In a parent-child relationship this creates a dynamic in which teenagers who need to develop appropriate autonomy become developmentally stymied. They are either too afraid to venture into increased autonomy and become dependent on their parents, or they become reactive to the enmeshment and run too far in the other direction, sometimes making poor choices in their effort to be independent
-Love and enmeshment are two different things. However, enmeshment can be a misdirected expression of love

AHAVAS HASHEM CAN BE THE SAME THING. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE WITH GOD BUT A CLEAR BALANCE,YOU NEED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES.
-NADAV AND AVIHU DONT HAVE BOUNDARIES THAT IS WHY THEY DIE.

arah Imeinu is one of the great personalities in the Torah. Together with her husband, Avraham, she spread ethical monotheism: belief in one, all-powerful, loving G-d. One interesting aspect of her character is that she embodied middas hadin.^[1] This trait is most aptly described as involving boundaries, in contrast to middas hachesed, which represents the concept of no boundaries. The qualities often associated with din are self-discipline, strictness, and inner strength. As with all traits, it can be positive or negative. In this essay we will examine how Sarah personified din and how it was a significant part of her greatness. We will also see how it was subtly manifest in the few mistakes she made in her life, and how a major aspect of her self-growth was her development of the opposite trait, unbounded chesed.
Middas hadin when expressed positively involves the correct use of boundaries. One manifestation of this attribute is self-nullification, whereby one limits his or her own personal desires for the sake of the greater good. Sarah exercised this trait in a remarkable fashion; after several years of barrenness, she made an incredible sacrifice and encouraged Avraham to marry another woman in order that he bear offspring. A person can read this account and fail to recognize the degree of self-sacrifice that Sarah displayed here. She clearly had a very happy marriage with the righteous Avraham, and they had been married for many years. To then of her own volition orchestrate his marriage to another woman must have been extremely difficult for her. Sarah she did not merely passively allow Hagar to marry Avraham; she actively persuaded a reluctant Hagar that it was an incredible merit to marry such a great man. This is a classic example of a positive application of middas hadin – Sarah reined in her own desires and subjugated them to the need for Avraham to have children.^[2]
The more well-known application of positive middas hadin is the use of punishment or other disciplinary measures in order to achieved a desired result. This most obviously took place when Sarah perceived that Hagar’s son, Yishmael, was committing major sins. Sarah saw that his behavior posed a grave spiritual threat to her son, Yitzchak Avinu, and demanded that Avraham expel Hagar and her son from their home. This was a very difficult demand of Avraham Avinu; he clearly loved Yishmael despite his atrocious behavior. HaShem confirmed that Sarah was correct and that he and his mother should be driven out. This was a great test for Avraham because it contradicted his strongest trait, chesed, which inclined him to keep Yishmael home in order to hopefully cause him to correct his ways. Moreover, he may have felt that if Yishmael was already sinning while living in Avraham’s home, he would deteriorate even further in far worse spiritual settings. Yet HaShem showed Avraham that in this instance, the trait of middas hadin was more appropriate. By showing chesed to Yishmael, Avraham would have been doing a disservice to Yitzchak; exercising strictness toward Yishmael, however, was an act of kindness to Yitzchak. This is an example of how sometimes a display of middas hadin can be the kindest approach.
Yet we also see that Sarah was criticized for excessive middas hadin. The Torah tells us that Hagar married Avraham and immediately became pregnant. This caused her to become arrogant and disrespectful of Sarah – she reasoned that since Sarah had not borne any children, she surely was not as righteous as everyone believed. In response, with Avraham’s consent, Sarah afflicted Hagar. There is much discussion as to how exactly Sarah did this; many commentaries explain that she simply treated Hagar like the maidservant that she indeed was. Rav Eliyahu E. Dessler, ztz”l, writes that Sarah’s intentions were almost totally pure; she wanted to prevent Hagar from becoming too arrogant.^[3] Yet Ramban writes that Sarah sinned in afflicting Hagar, and as a punishment, Hagar’s descendants would afflict her own.^[4] Thus, in this case she misapplied middas hadin slightly, which for someone of her stature was considered a sin.
Another incident demonstrates how Sarah’s inclination toward middas hadin caused her to err slightly and how HaShem enabled her to rectify this trait. In the beginning of parashas Vayeira, the angels told Avraham that Sarah would have a baby. When Sarah heard this, she laughed (vatitzchak) and cynically said to herself that it was physically impossible for her to bear a child. According to Rav Dessler, her cynicism was so subtle that she herself was not completely aware of it until HaShem Himself rebuked her.^[5] Nevertheless, we need to understand why, despite her great faith and trust in HaShem, Sarah found it hard to accept that she could give birth. Moreover, a few verses earlier, when Avraham was informed about the same future miracle, he also laughed, but Chazal explain that his laughter was one of joy and wonderment. We know that Sarah was no less righteous than Avraham, and was even a greater prophet than he; therefore, why did they react so differently to the news of this miracle?
To answer this question, we must grasp the deeper significance of laughter. Laughter is aroused when something unexpected happens and the normal boundaries are broken. There are different types of laughter. There is laughter of joy, expressing wonderment at the unexpected occurrence that took place. Alternatively there can be a cynical type of laughter, expressing disbelief that this unexpected occurrence is possible. With regard to the tidings that Avraham and Sarah would have a child, their respective reactions reflected their natural character traits. Avraham represents chesed, which is overflowing. A person who overflows is not bound by limits. Therefore it is easier for him to accept when events take place that transcend the normal boundaries. Accordingly, when HaShem informed Avraham that he would have a baby, he laughed out of joy, though it would defy all the boundaries of nature for an elderly, infertile woman and very old man to have a child. In contrast, Sarah’s trait was din, boundaries. Therefore it was harder for her to fully accept the possibility that she would break all the laws of nature and have a child. Accordingly, her laugh had a hint of cynicism.
However, the birth of Yitzchak itself enabled Sarah to rectify this outgrowth of middas hadin. When he was born, Sarah said, “Elokim has made tzchok for me; whoever hears shall laugh for me.” She continued by marveling at the fact that she was finally able to bear a son. The commentaries explain that she now realized the extent to which HaShem had broken the boundaries of nature to perform this remarkable miracle.^[6]
We have discussed how each of the Avos had to work on the character traits that were less natural to them. For example, many of Avraham Avinu’s ten tests required him to exercise middas hadin, contradicting his natural tendency toward chessed. It seems that Sarah faced the opposite challenge, acknowledging that sometimes there are no boundaries, in particular regarding miracles.
We have seen how Sarah Imeinu epitomized the positive aspects of middas hadin in self-nullification and appropriate strictness. We have also discussed an equally great aspect of her personality – how she went against her nature when required. These lessons are applicable both to people who lean toward middas hachesed and to those inclined toward middas hadin. For the former, the Torah teaches the need to set boundaries on occasion, and for the latter, it teaches that one must sometimes break them.

YIZTCHAK HAD TO REDIG WELLS BECAUSE HE HAD TO DO WORK HIMSELF,HE COULD NOT RELY ONLY ON HIS FATHERS IDENTITY AS A GADOL... HE HAD TO HAVE HIS OWN WAY OF BECOMING GREAT

• Yitzchak re-digs Avraham's wells and calls them the identical names that his father called them. (26:18)
  

-WE SAY ELOKAI ABRAHAM,ELOKAI YITZCHAK ELOKAI YAAKOV BECAUSE EACH HAD A UNIQUE PATH IN TERMS OF CONNECTING AND DISCOVERING GOD.. THEY HAD THEIR OWN SENSE OF SELF AND DIDNT RELY ON OTHERS FOR A FREE RIDE OF VALIDATION
The first thing that we should notice here is that Yitzchak DOES take a new path a path untrodden by Avraham. Yitzchak is a farmer, and a very successful farmer too! What does this mean? What is the significance of this?
http://www.alexisrael.org/toldot---personality-of-yitzchak

Avraham was a shepherd. He wandered from place to place, a nomad, with no permanent dwelling place. Avraham is transient. He never settles in a single location and when his wife dies he has no real-estate to call his own. Yitzchak is a man of the land. He farms the land, and grips the land, argues over land. And a farmer is fixed in place. The wells don't move, the fields do not move.

"Vayeitzei Yitzchak Lasuach Basadeh"
Perhaps this tells us of Yitzchaks personality. He is not afraid to be alone,with his own thoughts, a meditative practice if you may. This ability to be with himself is what enables him to love another.
It is only once yitzchak goes out,lasuach basadeh that he can get married and meet a wife as we see he meets rivkah right after.

Loved him as he loved himself=you need to have a sense of self and sense of self love in order to then love someone "as you love yourself"

Perhaps, Yiztchak was able to embrace esav despite him not meeting his expectations because yitzchak had enough courage,knowledge and self worth that Esav being a rasha did not pose a threat to yitzchaks identity,he was strong on his own