Rav Avraham Chayim Shor, "Hashem deliberately instructed Moshe to speak separately to the women and the men, in order to teach us that the reward of one’s mitzvot is shared equally by husband and wife, for the two are in essence one entity" (Toras Chayim volume 1, chapter 8, Bava Basra 134 ד"ה לקיים).
[See Berachos 24a; Menachos 93b; Sanhedrin 76b; Mishnah Berurah 675:9; Igros Moshe, Orach Chayim 190; The Laws of Chanukah by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, page 11 and The Hirsch Chumash (New Edition), pages 69-70 and Rashi on Shemos 19:2 ד"ה ויחן שם ישראל)]
תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן הָאוֹהֵב אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ כְּגוּפוֹ וְהַמְכַבְּדָהּ יוֹתֵר מִגּוּפוֹ... עָלָיו הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר וְיָדַעְתָּ כִּי שָׁלוֹם אׇהֳלֶךָ.
§ The Sages taught: One who loves his wife as he loves himself, and who honors her more than himself... about him the verse states: And you shall know that your tent is in peace. As a result of his actions, there will be peace in his home, as it will be devoid of quarrel and sin.
Thus the Sages commanded: A woman should honor her husband too much, and have awe of him, do all of her actions according to his word. He should seem to her like a minister or king, walking in the desires of his heart, and distancing herself from what he hates. This is how holy and pure Jews behave in their marriages. These paths should be their pleasant and praiseworthy lifestyle.
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See Kitzur Halachos Yom Tov and Chol Hamoed by Rabbi Zev Hofstedter, pages 7-8
דרש רב עוירא זימנין אמר לה משמיה דרבי אמי וזימנין אמר לה משמיה דרבי אסי מאי דכתיב (תהלים קיב, ה) טוב איש חונן ומלוה יכלכל דבריו במשפט לעולם יאכל אדם וישתה פחות ממה שיש לו וילבש ויתכסה במה שיש לו ויכבד אשתו ובניו יותר ממה שיש לו שהן תלויין בו והוא תלוי במי שאמר והיה העולם
[See Artscroll Chullin 84b, note 12 and Artscroll Pesachim 109a, note 11]
One honors his wife by giving her jewelry
It was taught in a baraita that Rabbi Yehuda ben Beteira says: When the Temple is standing, rejoicing is only through the eating of sacrificial meat, as it is stated: “And you shall sacrifice peace-offerings and you shall eat there and you shall rejoice before the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 27:7). And now that the Temple is not standing and one cannot eat sacrificial meat, he can fulfill the mitzva of rejoicing on a Festival only by drinking wine, as it is stated: “And wine that gladdens the heart of man” (Psalms 104:15).
When it comes to household affairs - mundane matters - one should be led by his wife’s advice. Regarding religious matters, one should not be led by his wife’s advice (See ArtScroll Bava Metzia 59a, note 17 and 18). Obviously, a man should not reject advice from his wife.
What is a successful marriage? Rav Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, also known as the Steipler Gaon says that hakaras hatov is a primary component of a successful marriage and it fosters true love. Therefore, Rabbi Michel Yehudah Lefkowitz says, “A husband should show hakaras hatov to his wife and a wife should show hakaras hatov to her husband.”
What is the definition of hakaras hatov? Rabbi Yisroel Reisman says, “Hakaras hatov is to feel gratitude by recognizing the good that someone has done on your behalf… The level of hakaras hatov one feels should be in proportion to the magnitude of the kindness rendered” (Let There Be Rain by Rabbi Shimon Finkelman and Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein, page 318).
לשמור את דרך (בראשית ג׳:כ״ב) זו דרך ארץ עץ החיים (בראשית ג׳:כ״ב) מלמד שדרך ארץ קדמה לעץ החיים. ואין עץ החיים אלא תורה שנאמר עץ חיים היא למחזיקים בה (משלי ג׳:י״ח):
1. to guard the way - this is Derech Eretz (literally the 'Way of the Land', different meanings, here Basic Human Decency, Proper Conduct or similar). of the Tree of Life - we learn that Derech Eretz comes before (i.e. has priority) over the Tree of Life. And there is no 'Tree of Life' except Torah, as is said it is a Tree of Life for all whose grasp on it (Mishlei 3:18).
דְּאָמַר רַבִּי יִשְׁמָעֵאל בַּר רַב נַחְמָן עֶשְׂרִים וְשִׁשָּׁה דוֹרוֹת קָדְמָה דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ אֶת הַתּוֹרָה, הֲדָא הוּא דִכְתִיב (בראשית ג, כד): לִשְׁמֹר אֶת דֶּרֶךְ עֵץ הַחַיִּים, דֶּרֶךְ, זוֹ דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ, וְאַחַר כָּךְ עֵץ הַחַיִּים, זוֹ תּוֹרָה.
Hakaras hatov is not about who did more for whom. It is about honestly acknowledging what others have done on our behalf (Let There Be Rain by Rabbi Shimon Finkelman and Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein, pages 342-343). Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler says, “The basis of true ahavas Hashem is hakaras hatov” (Michtav MeEliyahu, volume 1, Kuntress HaChessed).
Why did the Torah impose a set of legal responsibilities upon a husband towards his wife and vice versa?
Rabbi Yehudah Cahn says that the requirement to exert oneself on behalf of a spouse causes a person to feel a greater attachment to that spouse and to develop greater feelings of love and concern for him or her.
Rebbe Eliezer rules that even if a woman has a hundred servants, she must perform certain household chores for him. Otherwise, she will become idle. Idleness decreases that love and may, therefore, cause a husband or wife to lose interest in each other (Understanding Emunah, page 174)
What should a wife's outlook be towards her husband?
אשה כשרה היתה ועושה רצון בעלה מכאן אמרו אין לך אשה כשרה בנשים אלא אשה שהיא עושה רצון בעלה:
A proper Jewish wife is one who follows the will of her husband and to do his bidding
מַתְנִי׳ וְאֵלּוּ מְלָאכוֹת שֶׁהָאִשָּׁה עוֹשָׂה לְבַעְלָהּ... וְאוֹפָה וּמְכַבֶּסֶת מְבַשֶּׁלֶת וּמְנִיקָה אֶת בְּנָהּ מַצַּעַת לוֹ הַמִּטָּה.
MISHNA: And these are tasks that a wife must perform for her husband... She bakes, and washes clothes, cooks, and nurses her child, makes her husband’s bed.
הִכְנִיסָה לוֹ שִׁפְחָה אַחַת לֹא טוֹחֶנֶת וְלֹא אוֹפָה וְלֹא מְכַבֶּסֶת שְׁתַּיִם אֵין מְבַשֶּׁלֶת וְאֵין מְנִיקָה אֶת בְּנָהּ שָׁלֹשׁ אֵין מַצַּעַת לוֹ הַמִּטָּה וְאֵין עוֹשָׂה בַּצֶּמֶר אַרְבַּע יוֹשֶׁבֶת בְּקָתֶדְרָא
If she brought him one maidservant, i.e., brought the maidservant with her into the marriage, the maidservant will perform some of these tasks. Consequently, the wife does not need to grind, and does not need to bake, and does not need to wash clothes. If she brought him two maidservants, she does not need to cook and does not need to nurse her child if she does not want to, but instead may give the child to a wet nurse. If she brought him three maidservants, she does not need to make his bed and does not need to make thread from wool. If she brought him four maidservants, she may sit in a chair [katedra] like a queen and not do anything, as her maidservants do all of her work for her.
אֵין אִשָּׁה אֶלָּא לְיוֹפִי אֵין אִשָּׁה.
A wife is only for beauty.
These tasks will have a negative effect upon her beauty.
However, Rebbe Chiyah agrees that she must work and give her earnings to her husband in exchange for his supporting her (Artscroll Kesubos 59b, note 26).
A wife’s relationship with regard to her husband is not for her to perform chores for him, but for him to buy cosmetics and jewelry for her (See Artscroll Kesubos 59b, note 27)
וְתָנֵי רַבִּי חִיָּיא הָרוֹצֶה שֶׁיְּעַדֵּן אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ יַלְבִּישֶׁנָּה כְּלֵי פִשְׁתָּן.
And Rabbi Ḥiyya similarly teaches: One who wishes to beautify his wife should clothe her in linen garments.
Are Rebbe Chiyah and Rashi contradicting each other? Not in the slightest. When Rebbe Chiyah said that a wife must give her earnings to her husband in exchange for his supporting her, he’s telling her to be makir tov.
On the other hand, Rashi said that it’s not befitting for her to perform chores for him but for him to buy cosmetics and jewelry for her. He’s telling the husband, “Just because she has specific tasks that she has to do for you, don’t make it your expectation" (See Seven Common Myths about Marriage by Sara Debbie Gutfreund). Rather, he should be thinking to himself, “How can I possibly acknowledge all the good that she does for me?” By purchasing things that appeal to her: cosmetics and jewelry.
How essential is a man’s wife?
שְׁלֹשָׁה מְשִׁיבִין דַּעְתּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם.
Three matters ease one’s mind.
Meaning, if he is distressed, the following things will restore his composure (see ArtScroll Berachos 57b, note 38)
The sound of musical instruments or a woman’s sweet voice.
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Therefore, one’s wife should take voice lessons and learn how to play a musical instrument. As the quote goes, “music soothes the savage beast.” Like the movie “Beauty and the Beast”. The Beast was a man.
שְׁלֹשָׁה מַרְחִיבִין דַּעְתּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם.
Three matters give a person comfort.
If a man is already composed, this will lift his spirits (ArtScroll Berachos 57b, note 40). One of them are a beautiful wife. Similarly, to what Rebbe Chiyah said earlier. This isn’t surprising.
Now in the future, when one’s wife is taking her time to get ready, realize she’s doing it for her husband’s sake. She’s also trying to fulfill “This is my G-d and I shall beautify Him.” Since she is created in the image of Him.
The Gemara is teaching us that a wife is the driving and motivating force behind her husband!
What should one’s outlook be towards one’s wife?
שוב אמר כה תאמר וגו' לנשים בלשון אמירה ולאנשים בלשון הגדה. להורות כי באולי יאמרו הנשים אין לנו שכר בלמוד התורה בשאינם לומדות אותה, ואיך יהיה להם חלק בשכרה, וע"י כך אולי ימנעו את בעליהם מלקבלה כאשר אין להם תועלת בזה. לכך אמר כה תאמר וגו' לנשים בלשון רכה, ר"ל אדרבה ששכרם הרבה מאוד יותר משל אנשים ולכך מקדים הנשים תחלה. וכדאיתא בברכות (דף י"ז) גדול' הבטחה שהבטיחן הקב"ה לנשים יותר מן האנשים שנאמר נשים שאננות וגו' אמר ליה רב לר' חייא נשים במה זכיין באקרויי בנייהו לבי כנשתא ובאתנויי גברייהו לבי רבנן ונטרן לגברייהו עד דאתי מבי רבנן ע"כ. הנה מבואר נגלה כי יש לשאול למה ועל מה גדולה ההבטחה שהבטיח לנשים. ואם שכר הנשים גדול בשביל שמסייעים לבניהם ולבעליהם לתורה כל שכן היה ראוי להיות יותר גדול שכר אנשים הלומדים אותה. אמנם יש לך להבין זה ממה שאמר הכתוב שהביא נשים שאננות, כי האיש במה שהוא גבר איננו בעל שאנן והשקט מצד התגברותו והתפעלו, בכן אינם מוכנים גם כן כל כך אל השאנן והמנוחה הוא העולם הבא שהוא המנוחה בעצמו. אבל הנשים ראויים ומוכנים לה מצד עצמם שאינם בני פעולה והתעוררות מצד עצם בריאתן, לפיכך גדולה ההבטחה שהבטיחן הקב"ה יותר מן האנשים מצד השאנן ושלוה אשר המה מוכנים לו כי זהו חלק הנשים וראויות לזה ביותר. ובמעט הסיוע שמסייעים לתורה שכרם גדול מאד כאשר כבר הם מוכנים אל השאנן, וכל המוכן לדבר מה בנקל ישיגו מצד תכונתו. אבל האנשים צריכים מצד זה שיהיו עמלים וטורחים בתורה מבלי מנוח לילה ויום, וזהו גופו ותגיד לבני ישראל דברים הקשין כגידין הוא העמל הגדול הזה. אמנם לנשים בלשון רכה כי אינם צריכים כל כך, ואעפ"כ הם ראויים לשכר יותר גדול עד שלזה גם כן הקדימן הכתוב לאנשים כאמור. ועוד היה ראוי להקדימם בשהם ההתחלה והכנה לתורה, כי מן זריעת האשה נוצר גוף ובשר של הילד כדאיתא בנדה (דף ל"א) בענין חלוקת הג' שותפין. וידוע שהגוף הוא הוא ההתחלה וההכנה לקבל השכל בשהוא חומר זך ודק, ואי אפשר זולת התחלה זאת מצד בני אדם. בכן הנשים כשהם צדקניות הם הם ההתחלה להוליד בן זכות החומר שיהיה מוכן לקבלת שכל התורה, וזהו באקרויי בנייהו לבי כנשתא שהן המוליכות ומכינות הבנים לכך. וכן באתנויי גברייהו וגו', ר"ל כי בהיותה חומר מוכן לכך אזי מתאחדת ומתקשרת בתורה לגמרי בהשתוקקו' היותר נפלא עד שמתוך כך מתנויי גברייהו וגם מנטרי להן וכו'.
שבהשתוקקות רב מצפין ומשתוקקין לבעליהן בעלי התורה עד דאתי מבי רבנן, ומצד החבור ודביקות היותר גדול שיש להם בתורה מצד הכנתם מתאחדין עמם לגמרי. והוא מה שאמר התם דפלגינן בהדייהו כי הם מתאחדים עמנו לגמרי לכן פלגינן בהדייהו זהו שהקדימן:
A wife deserves to share equally in her husband’s reward because of the deep emotional bond she develops with her husband’s Torah studying activities.
A wise man once said, “There is no ‘SM LE’ without ‘I’ and there is no ‘FR END’ without ‘I’, but I can’t achieve ‘S CCESS’ without ‘U’!” The “Gemara” expounds, “Do not read it as the letter ‘U’ but as the word You – referring to one’s wife.”
will you lead the life of a widow of a living man, living alone while your husband is in another place? She said to him: If he would listen to me, he would sit and study for another twelve years. When Rabbi Akiva heard this he said: I have permission to do this. He went back and sat for another twelve years in the study hall. When he came back he brought twenty-four thousand students with him. His wife heard and went out toward him to greet him. Her neighbors said: Borrow some clothes and wear them, as your current apparel is not appropriate to meet an important person. She said to them: “A righteous man understands the life of his beast” (Proverbs 12:10). When she came to him she fell on her face and kissed his feet. His attendants pushed her away as they did not know who she was, and he said to them: Leave her alone, as my Torah knowledge and yours is actually hers.
The Gemara says that a husband brings home raw materials - wheat, flax - and it is the wife who transforms those into finished products (The Chumash with the Teachings of the Talmud, Sefer Bereishis, page 24, A Helpmate).
What could this statement possibly mean nowadays?
Picture a man who comes home after a day’s work and finds the table set and supper ready on the stove. Does he stop to contemplate all the effort that went into making that supper? Would he perhaps appreciate it more if he were present as his wife took out her pots, pans and ingredients and began her work? (Let There Be Rain by Rabbi Shimon Finkelman and Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein, page 12.)
Another explanation is that Hashem gave woman mastery of life’s details. A husband may formulate a grand plan that appears destined to succeed; his wife sees beyond the plan to the practical details (ArtScroll Yevamos 63a, note 12). The Gemara concludes that she is the one who illuminates her husband’s eyes and puts him on his feet (The Chumash with the Teachings of the Talmud, Sefer Bereishis, page 24, A Helpmate). Meaning, she enables him to see things beyond his natural perspective and she stands him on his feet by preventing him from tripping over some unseen stumbling block (ArtScroll Yevamos 63a, note 13) – that could be physically or spiritually.
(9) Sarah saw the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham playing. (10) She said to Abraham, “Cast out that slave-woman and her son, for the son of that slave shall not share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.” (11) The matter distressed Abraham greatly, for it concerned a son of his.
Rabbi C. Schabes once commented, “You see from this verse, that women are always right.
ר' פנחס אומר, ערב שבת עמדו ישראל בהר סיני עורכין האנשים לבד והנשים לבד אמ' לו הב"ה למשה לך אמור להם לבנות ישראל אם רוצות הן לקבל את התורה ולמה שאלו לנשים לפי שדרכן של אנשים הולכין אחרי דעתן של נשים.
Rabbi Phineas said: On the eve of Sabbath the Israelites stood at Mount Sinai, arranged with the men apart and the women apart. The Holy One, blessed be He, said to Moses: Go, speak to the daughters of Israel, (asking them) whether they wish to receive the Torah. Why were the women asked (first)? Because the way of men is to follow the opinion of women.
ואיבה אשית. לְפִי שֶׁהַנָּשִׁים קַלּוֹת לְהִתְפַּתּוֹת וְיוֹדְעוֹת לְפַתּוֹת אֶת בַּעְלֵיהֶן...
ואיבה אשית AND I WILL SET ENMITY — Women are easily influenced and know how to influence their husbands...
This would certainly explain Jackie Mason, who says about himself, “Jews are afraid to laugh. They have to get permission from their wife first. If a gentile thinks I’m funny, he laughs; whereas, if a Jew thinks I’m funny, her looks at her: he’s funny, right?”
אהבה דוחקת את הבשר
Love compresses the flesh.
והמאמר שלפני זה, שחולקים, שיש שאומר אהבה דוחקת את הבשר, ויש שאומר "כי כאיש גבורתו", גם מחלוקת זה אינו דבר קטן. כי למאן דאמר אהבה דוחקת הבשר, כי חבור האדם עם אשתו שיהיו לדבר אחד לגמרי. והחבור הזה אל תאמר כי הוא דבר גשמי, כמו שאר בעלי חיים, אין הדבר כך, כי יש להם לאיש ואשה כח החבור מן השם יתברך, וכמו שנרמז במלת "איש" ו"אשה", כי בהם נשתתף שמו, הוא שם י"ה; היו"ד באיש, הה"א באשה (סוטה יז.), לומר כי השם יתברך מחבר הזיווג הזה, ומאחד אותם, לכך שמו ביניהם. ודבר זה הוא החבור מן איש ואשה, ולכך כח עליון מחבר אותם.
When a husband and wife build a home together out of love for Hashem and to serve Him, they ignore the faults in one another.
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers up all faults.
(ד) חָזַר וְהֶעֱבִירָן לְפָנָיו זוּגוֹת, אָמַר לַכֹּל יֵשׁ בֶּן זוּג וְלִי אֵין בֶּן זוּג... תִּגָּר, לְפִיכָךְ לֹא בְּרָאָהּ לוֹ עַד שֶׁתְּבָעָהּ בְּפִיו, כֵּיוָן שֶׁתְּבָעָהּ, מִיָּד (בראשית ב, כא): וַיַּפֵּל יקוק אֱלֹקִים תַּרְדֵּמָה וגו'.
(4) When Hashem brought the various species before him, אָדָם said, “All of them have a mate and I do not!” Immediately, Hashem brought slumber upon אָדָם and fashioned Chavah from him.
Where did man get this notion that he needed a helpmate? Hashem said, “It is not good that man be alone.”
(18) The LORD God said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a fitting helper for him.”
Rabbi Frand says that just like we have metaphysics, so too, we have laws of spirituality. Meaning, once Hashem said that statement it became a reality.
What was his response? It wasn’t, “You’re right, I should have refrained and I’m responsible for my actions.” What did he actually say?
Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz says, “Calling attention to a minor fault of one’s wife is far more serious than speaking loshon hora about someone else” (Sefer Sichos Mussar, Chochmas Chaim).
How important is Sholom Bayis?
Shimon Yerushalmi relates the following story:
One year, the Chofeitz Chayim visited his rebbi during Chanukah. As the hour for candle-lighting approached, Reb Nachum’ke – Menachem Nachum Kaplan zt”l - pretended not to notice. As the hours slipped by, the Chofeitz Chayim stood astonished that his mentor did not proceed to light the candles on time. Just as he heard a knock at the door and his wife entered the house, Reb Nachum’ke proceeded to make the berachah and light the candles. Unable to contain his curiosity, the Chofeitz Chayim asked why his rebbi had delayed so long. Reb Nachum’ke answered: “The Gemara in Maseches Shabbos says that if one has only enough coins to pay for either Shabbos candles or Chanukah candles, he should purchase Shabbos candles for they instill peace in the home. I knew my wife would be hurt if I lit the Chanukah candles without her presence and since peace in the home is more important than Chanukah candles, I waited for her return” (To Be A Mentch by Yitzchak Shkop, page 214).
Now that we know the importance of Sholom Bayis, what does Sholom Bayis mean? A peaceful home.
What’s so vital about peace?
(א) הוּא שָׁלוֹם. וּשְׁמֵיהּ שָׁלוֹם, וְאִתְקְשַּׁר כֹּלָּא בְּשָׁלוֹם.
He [G-d] Is peace, His Name is peace and everything is bound in peace.
(יב) אָמַר רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן חֲלַפְתָּא, לֹא מָצָא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא כְּלִי מַחֲזִיק בְּרָכָה לְיִשְׂרָאֵל אֶלָּא הַשָּׁלוֹם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (תהלים כט), יקוק עֹז לְעַמּוֹ יִתֵּן יקוק יְבָרֵךְ אֶת עַמּוֹ בַשָּׁלוֹם:
(12) Rabbi Shimon ben Halafta said: the Holy One, Blessed be He, found no vessel that could contain blessing for Israel save that of peace, as it is written: "The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace" (Psalms 29:11).
(יח) רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל אוֹמֵר, עַל שְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים הָעוֹלָם עוֹמֵד, עַל הַדִּין וְעַל הָאֱמֶת וְעַל הַשָּׁלוֹם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (זכריה ח) אֱמֶת וּמִשְׁפַּט שָׁלוֹם שִׁפְטוּ בְּשַׁעֲרֵיכֶם:
(18) Rabban Shimon ben Gamaliel used to say: on three things does the world stand: On justice, on truth and on peace, as it is said: “execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates” (Zechariah 8:16).
רשב״ג אומר כל המשים שלום בתוך ביתו מעלה עליו הכתוב כאילו משים שלום בישראל על כל אחד ואחד.
Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel would say: Anyone who brings peace into his own home is regarded by the Torah as if he had brought peace to everyone in Israel.
(ח) [ח] שמא תאמרו "הרי מאכל, הרי משתה; אם אין שלום, אין כלום!
(8) 8) Lest you say "There is food and there is drink, but without peace there is nothing!"
(1) Better a dry crust with peace than a house full of feasting with strife.
How to obtain a PEACEFUL marriage. Unfortunately, Dale Carnegie did not write a book on this subject. However, Rabbi Shafier recommends that both spouses need to turn off their “WII” FM station. What station is that? What’s In It For Me! Therefore, both spouses need to turn off their individual “WII” FM station and need to turn it on to their unified “WII” FU station - What’s In It For Us!
What is so unique about a bayis?
This was a way to express great appreciation to the wife as the pillar of the home, as she is the ikar, primary force that governs and maintains the home.
(ב) וְרָחֵל עֲקָרָה, רָחֵל הָיְתָה עִקָּרוֹ שֶׁל בַּיִת...
(2) "And Rachel was barren (akarah)" - It's main part (ikrah) was Rachel.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shkop says that this notion lies at the heart of the requirement that the Kohen Gadol have a wife prior to commencing the Yom Kippur service at the Beis HaMikdosh, for otherwise he would not be able to fulfill the Torah’s command: ‘and atone for himself and for his household:’ for our Sages explain that ‘his household’ is his wife (To Be A Mentch by Yitzchak Shkop, page 210).
The word “household” or “home” is used as a synonym for one’s wife
(וא"ר) חלבו לעולם יהא אדם זהיר בכבוד אשתו שאין ברכה מצויה בתוך ביתו של אדם אלא בשביל אשתו.
And Rabbi Ḥelbo says: A person must always be careful about sustaining the honor of his wife, as blessing is found in a person’s house only because of his wife.
(ו) וְאִי תֵימָא אִי הָכִי שְׁבָחָא הוּא דְּבַר נָשׁ כַּד נָפִיק לְאָרְחָא יַתִּיר מִן בֵּיתֵיהּ בְּגִין זִוּוּגָא עִלָּאָה דְאִזְדַּוְוגַת בַּהֲדֵיהּ. תָּא חֲזֵי, בְּזִמְנָא דְבַר נָשׁ הוּא בְּבֵיתֵיהּ, עִקְּרָא דְּבֵיתָא דְּבִיתְהוּ. בְּגִין דִּשְׁכִינְתָא לָא אִתְעַדֵּי מִן בֵּיתָא בְּגִין דְּבִיתְהוּ. כְּמָה דְּתָנִינָן דִּכְתִיב, (בראשית כד) וַיְבִיאֶהָ יִצְחָק הָאֹהלָה שָׂרָה אִמּוֹ, דִּשְׁרַגָּא אִתְדְּלָקַת, מַאי טַעְמָא בְּגִין דִּשְׁכִינְתָא אָתַת לְבֵיתָא.
(6) It may be objected that in the light of the previous argument, a man is in a state of more honor on a journey than at home, by virtue of the heavenly mate who is then with him. This is not so. At home, the wife is the foundation of a man’s house, inasmuch as it is by virtue of her that the Presence does not leave the house. So the verse, “and Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent” {Gen. 24:67}, our masters have interpreted to mean that the Divine Presence came to Isaac’s house along with Rebecca.
גמ' אח"כ ובנית ביתך זו אשה. כדאמרי' בעלמא וקורא לאשתו ביתו לפי שהיא עקרת הבית
לעשות שהשכינה תדבק בו על ידי ההתנהגות עם אשתו: עוֹד זְהִירוּת הַרְבֵּה צָרִיךְ לִקַּח הָאָדָם לְעַצְמוֹ לַעֲשׂוֹת שֶׁתִּהְיֶה שְׁכִינָה דְּבֵקָה עִמּוֹ וְלֹא תִפָּרֵד מִמֶּנּוּ.
To make it that the Divine Presence clings to him by his behavior with his wife: There is also much care that a man must take for himself [in this] to make it that the Divine Presence be clinging to him and not separate from him.
Sometimes one’s business is running slow or his success rate is dropping. Rashi says that a wife, in the Torah, is referred to as “bread,” the symbol of one’s livelihood. This means, that success in one’s livelihood is dependent on how he treats his wife.
רבא לבני מחוזא אוקירו לנשייכו כי היכי דתתעתרו
Rava said to the residents of Meḥoza, where he lived: Honor your wives, so that you will become rich.
I guess a fringe benefit of marriage is getting wealthy. In addition, Rav Menachem Meiri or known as the Meiri says, “It is the wife who protects and preserves the household and that is the blessing that she brings into her husband’s possessions” (To Be A Mentch by Rabbi Yitzchak Shkop, page 216).
Rabbi Anava says the following: A young man once came to the Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson zt”l and asked him, “Is it true that folding my tallis Motzei Shabbos is a remedy for Sholom Bayis? The Rebbe told him, “No, fold your sleeves and wash the dishes. That’s going to be a remedy for Sholom Bayis.”
לעשות שהשכינה תדבק בו על ידי ההתנהגות עם אשתו: עוֹד זְהִירוּת הַרְבֵּה צָרִיךְ לִקַּח הָאָדָם לְעַצְמוֹ לַעֲשׂוֹת שֶׁתִּהְיֶה שְׁכִינָה דְּבֵקָה עִמּוֹ וְלֹא תִפָּרֵד מִמֶּנּוּ.
To make it that the Divine Presence clings to him by his behavior with his wife: There is also much care that a man must take for himself [in this] to make it that the Divine Presence be clinging to him and not separate from him.
What can one do to prevent his Sholom Bayis from becoming lethargic?
- When his wife walks into the room he should stand up for her and vice versa: once in the morning and once in the evening.
- Before retiring for the night - both the husband and wife - should thank each other for what one does for the other. It recommended that the couple read together Let There Be Rain by Rabbi Shimon Finkelman and Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein.
Then, they should take a piece of PAPER and ask each other:
- What they would like to succeed in - their physical and spiritual endeavors.
- What physical and spiritual difficulties they would like to overcome.
Afterward, write it down and both should daven to Hashem on the other’s behalf.
Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan says, “The groom gives his bride a circular ring, which has no beginning and no end. This parallels Hashem giving Klal Yisrael the Torah, which is endless” (Made in Heaven, page 47 - 49. See also Positive Vision by Rabbi Neuberger, page 27).
If that’s the case with the Torah, then what can marriage with one’s wife be comparable to? A Gemara.
With Hashem’s help, may our marriages always maintain their freshness like that of Aharon HaKohein lighting the menorah - both the husband and the wife should never take each other for granted - and the bond of love that exists between them, should be like that of Dovid and Yonasan and the unity of Adam and Chavah!
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