It once happened that a talmid of Rabbi Aryeh Levin, who was of marriageable age, came to his rebbe for advice about how to embark on the seas of matrimony. He asked his rebbe, “How should I behave toward my wife? How should I treat her?” Reb Aryeh looked at him in wonder, “How can you ask a question like that? A wife is like your own self. You treat her as you treat yourself.”
After the reading of the Torah, the one who got the aliyah says:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יקוק אֱלֺקֵֽינוּ... אֲשֶׁר נָֽתַן לָֽנוּ תּוֹרַת אֱמֶת וְחַיֵּי עוֹלָם נָטַע בְּתוֹכֵֽנוּ...
Blessed are You, Adonoy our God... Who gave us the Torah of truth, and implanted eternal life within us.
A נָטַע, plant, grows from a seed. What makes the seed grow, to eventually become a plant? One needs to give it the right amount of water, sunshine and most importantly, to care for it. If one doesn’t take care of his plant by making sure it gets the right amount of nutrition that it needs to grow; then it will just sit there, wilt and eventually die.
(יב) כִּ֣י תִשָּׂ֞א אֶת־רֹ֥אשׁ בְּנֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵל֮ לִפְקֻדֵיהֶם֒ וְנָ֨תְנ֜וּ אִ֣ישׁ כֹּ֧פֶר נַפְשׁ֛וֹ לַיקוק בִּפְקֹ֣ד אֹתָ֑ם וְלֹא־יִהְיֶ֥ה בָהֶ֛ם נֶ֖גֶף בִּפְקֹ֥ד אֹתָֽם׃
If you this word backwards it will also read וְנָ֨תְנ֜וּ, they shall give. This tells you that what a person gives to charity will come back to him; he will not be missing anything as a consequence of giving.
גְּמִילוּת חֲסָדִים יוֹתֵר מִן הַצְּדָקָה. צְדָקָה — בְּמָמוֹנוֹ; גְּמִילוּת חֲסָדִים — בֵּין בְּגוּפוֹ, בֵּין בְּמָמוֹנוֹ...
The Sages taught that acts of kindness are superior to charity... Charity can be performed only with one’s money, while acts of kindness can be performed both with his person and with his money...
Anne Frank said, "No one has ever become poor by giving." Interestingly, the origins of her quote can be traced back to Rambam:
לְעוֹלָם אֵין אָדָם מַעֲנִי מִן הַצְּדָקָה...
Never has anyone become poor by giving to tzedakah...
Marriage is like a plant. It starts as nothing more than a seed. For it to grow, it requires one to give to the other, on a constant consistent basis. As the saying goes, “What you give is what you get.” The same applies to marriage, “What you put into marriage is what you get out of it.”
Rav Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler says that love flows in the direction of giving. The one who gives, loves - הַב, giving → אַהֲבָה, love (Strive for Truth volume 1, pages 127 and 131). In other words, “Giving leads to Love”.
[For the Hebrew of Michtav Me’Eliyahu, see volume 1, Kuntrus HaChesed, Pirkei HaNosein V’Hanoteil, page 36, chapter 4 בשורש האהבה, paragraph הורגלנו לחשוב את הנתינה לתולדת האהבה and ibid, page 38, chapter 6 באהבת איש ואשה, paragraph על כן נאמר].
אָמַר רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן יוֹחָאי אַהֲבָה מְקַלְקֶלֶת אֶת הַשּׁוּרָה וְשִׂנְאָה מְקַלְקֶלֶת אֶת הַשּׁוּרָה...
Rabbi Simeon b. Yohai said: Love upsets the natural order...
One of the seforim that Rav Yisrael Meir HaKohein Kagan wrote he called אהבת חסד, loving-kindness” – to Give with lovingkindness!
The first man alone in the world is referred to by the Torah as אָדָם (see ArtScroll Yevamos 63a, note 4). Hashem wants the husband and wife shall be one flesh:
והיו לבשר אחד, כלומר בשר אחד וגוף אחד כי האשה הראשונה נבראה מהאיש מעצמו ומבשרו והנה היו לבשר אחד, וכן יהיו דבקים לעולם זה בזה כבשר אחד ומשניהם יתקיים המין...
והיו לבשר אחד, this means that they are to be as if they were made of the same flesh. It is a reminder to man that the wife of the first male was indeed made of the same flesh as his own. When the two joined in marital intercourse, they did indeed become once more one flesh. In the future, when engaging in the act of procreation, they would relive the experience Adam and Chavah had when their separate bodies joined for the first time after Chavah had become a person in her own right.
We said before that giving leads to love. Love leads a couple to become one entity. אַהֲבָה, love, and אֶחָד, oneness, have the same numerical value!
Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch says:
וכך גם כאשר איש ואשה חוזרים ומתאחדים, הם נעשים לגוף אחד. אולם הם יכולים להיות גוף אחד, רק אם באותו זמן יהיו לדעה אחת, לב אחד, ונפש אחת; וזה יתכן רק אם ישעבדו את כל כחותיהם ושאיפותיהם, מחשבותיהם ורצונותיהם, לעבודתו של רצון אחד נעלה יותר.
This can only be accomplished, if they also become one mind, one heart and one soul. Also, they must use all their strength and effort to the service of Hashem.
What, is the best type of blessing for beginning one’s marriage? It’s שָׁלוֹם, peace.
(יב) אָמַר רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן חֲלַפְתָּא, לֹא מָצָא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא כְּלִי מַחֲזִיק בְּרָכָה לְיִשְׂרָאֵל אֶלָּא הַשָּׁלוֹם...
(12) Rabbi Shimon ben Halafta said: the Holy One, Blessed be He, found no vessel that could contain blessing for Israel save that of peace...
(א) הוּא שָׁלוֹם. וּשְׁמֵיהּ שָׁלוֹם, וְאִתְקְשַּׁר כֹּלָּא בְּשָׁלוֹם.
He [G-d] Is peace, His Name is peace and everything is bound in peace.
כׇּל הַתּוֹרָה כּוּלָּהּ נָמֵי מִפְּנֵי דַּרְכֵי שָׁלוֹם...
Abaye objected: Aren’t the halakhot of the entire Torah also given on account of the ways of peace...
For our sages teach that when there are peace and harmony between a man and his wife the Divine Presence dwells with them.
We also find that the Divine Presence dwelled with us at Har Sinai:
ויחן שם ישראל. כְּאִישׁ אֶחָד בְּלֵב אֶחָד, אֲבָל שְׁאָר כָּל הַחֲנִיּוֹת בְּתַרְעוֹמוֹת וּבְמַחֲלֹקֶת:
If add אֶחָד + אֶחָד it equals 26, which is the numerical value of Hashem’s Name.
רשב״ג אומר כל המשים שלום בתוך ביתו מעלה עליו הכתוב כאילו משים שלום בישראל על כל אחד ואחד.
Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel would say: Anyone who brings peace into his own home is regarded by the Torah as if he had brought peace to everyone in Israel.
(ח) [ח] שמא תאמרו "הרי מאכל, הרי משתה; אם אין שלום, אין כלום!
(8) 8) Lest you say "There is food and there is drink, but without peace there is nothing!"
(1) Better a dry crust with peace than a house full of feasting with strife.
How to obtain a PEACEFUL marriage. Unfortunately, Dale Carnegie did not write a book on this subject. However, Rabbi Shafier recommends that both spouses need to turn off their “WII” FM station. What station is that? What’s In It For Me! Therefore, both spouses need to turn off their individual “WII” FM station and need to turn it on to their unified “WII” FU station - What’s In It For Us!
Once, Rabbi Aryeh Levin’s wife felt pain in her foot. They went to the doctor together where the doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” Rabbi Levin answered in all sincerity, “Doctor, my wife’s foot is hurting us.” (A Tzaddik in Our Time by Simcha Raz, pages 150 – 151).
The bond that Rabbi Aryeh Levin had with his wife is expressed by what Rus said to Na’omi:
Rabbi Aryeh Levin exemplified what we say every day:
“G-d is One.” Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan says, “He doesn’t consist of three persons known as the Father, the Son or the Holy Ghost.” G-d is One and only One. The same with Marriage:
A husband and wife are one entity:
אִשְׁתּוֹ כְּגוּפוֹ...
His wife is like his own flesh...
They are one soul, that “happen” to be, “physically” two people.
וְכַד נִשְׁמָתִין נָפְקִין דְּכַר וְנוּקְבָא כְּחֲדָא נָפְקִין. לְבָתַר כֵּיוָן דְּנָחֲתֵי מִתְפָּרְשָׁן דָּא לְסִטְרָא דָא וְדָא לְסִטְרָא דָא, וְקוּדְשָׁא בְּרִיךְ הוּא מְזַוִּוג לוֹן לְבָתַר. וְלָא אִתְיְיהִיב זִוּוּגָא לְאָחֳרָא אֶלָּא לְקוּדְשָׁא בְּרִיךְ הוּא בִּלְחוֹדוֹי, דְּאִיהוּ יָדַע זִוּוּגָא דִּלְהוֹן לְחַבְּרָא לוֹן כְּדְקָא יָאוֹת.
As they set out from their place above, each soul is male and female as one. Only as they descend to this world do they part, each to its own side. Then, it is the One Above who unites them again – through marriage. This is His exclusive domain, for He alone knows which soul belongs to which and how they must reunite.
Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan zt”l says:
“The groom gives his bride a circular ring, which has no beginning and no end. This parallels Hashem giving Klal Yisrael the Torah, which is endless” (Made in Heaven, pages 47-49. See also Positive Vision by Rabbi Neuberger, page 27)
If that’s the case with the Torah, then what can marriage with one’s wife be comparable to? A Gemara:
“The more one reviews the Gemara that he’s learning - by giving up his time for it - the sweeter and stronger the relationship becomes. So too, the more one gives to his wife - time and energy, etc. - the sweeter the relationship and marriage become!”
It may be explained that he performed the act of the mitzva all the days of his life with the same intent and will. Because the way of every person is that, at the beginning he is inspired to good, but afterwards it is lost from him. And he must constantly search for inspiration in new ways. And the truth is that the initial enthusiasm is the choicest. Regarding this, it was stated about Aharon that he did not change, and consequently he always arrived at new insights.
How did Aharon not become an FFH – Frum From Habit – when lighting the Menorah? To answer this, let’s look at the fifth blessing of the sheva berachos:
Why does the blessing state כְּשַׂמֵּחֲךָ, as You gladdened your creations in Gan Eiden?
The reality is that to have a marriage like Adam and Chavah in our day in age is impossible. Nevertheless, Hashem gave us a secret ingredient that’s two-words. It’s called Hakaras hatov.
The reason Aharon lit the Menorah every day with the same passion was that he appreciated the job that Hashem bestowed on him. He saw it as an opportunity, not a burden.
Rabbi Michel Yehudah Lefkowitz zt”l, says, “A husband should show hakaras hatov to his wife and a wife should show hakaras hatov to her husband.”
What is the definition of hakaras hatov?
Rabbi Yisroel Reisman says:
“Hakaras hatov is to feel gratitude by recognizing the good that someone has done on on behalf… The level of hakaras hatov one feels should be in proportion to the magnitude of the kindness rendered. It is not about who did more for whom, it is about honestly acknowledging what others have done on our behalf" (Let There Be Rain by Rabbi Shimon Finkelman and Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein, page 318)
As Juli Inkster said, “In this society, it’s ‘What have you done for ME lately?’” Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler says, “The basis of true ahavas Hashem is hakaras hatov.” Pirkei D’Rebbe Eliezer says, "There is nothing worse before HaKadosh Baruch Hu than to be an ingrate."
With Hashem’s help, may both of you cry and beseech Him every day that you never take each other for granted. In this merit, may all of mankind soon have a renewed wedding with their new Chasan - HaKodosh Baruch Hu!!!