Ko'ach HaDibbur (The Power of Speech)

Part 1 - Intro

לשון תליתאי קטיל תליתאי הורג למספרו ולמקבלו ולאומרו

Bad-mouthing (lit. three-talk) kills three: The one who speaks it, the one who hears it, and the one about whom it is said.

Folk Tale - Attributed to Rabbi Levi Yitzhak of Berdichev

A Jewish woman is accused of gossiping and is taken before the Rabbi. She insists she has done no wrong. She just stated her opinion and it's not her fault if others repeated it. But she supposes she will ask for forgiveness. The Rabbi says it isn't that easy. Asks if she has a pillow.

Of course she does--she has the finest, softest pillow in village. Rabbi asks her to go get it. He sends her to the top of the hill. She is to throw the feathers on the wind. Woman stands on hill throwing feathers, repeating her excuses, watches where the feathers land. Back to Rabbi. "Now, am I forgiven?" "It is not quite that easy. Now go and gather up the feathers."

She sputters but tries and comes back with very few feathers. "What have you learned?" "Well, I suppose my words are like the feathers. Once words are spoken, they are hard to gather up again."

Retrieved Oct 2022 from http://berdichev.org

Guiding questions
1. How can we "gather up" words we did not mean to say?
2. What do we do about the ones we cannot fully "gather up"?
3. How is this amplified with social media?

Part 2 - Mindfulness

תהילים נ״א:י״ז

(יז) אדני שְׂפָתַ֣י תִּפְתָּ֑ח וּ֝פִ֗י יַגִּ֥יד תְּהִלָּתֶֽךָ׃

Psalms 51:17

(17) Adonai, open up my lips,

and my mouth will declare Your praise.

ברכות י״ז א:ד׳

מָר בְּרֵיהּ דְּרָבִינָא כִּי הֲוָה מְסַיֵּים צְלוֹתֵיהּ אָמַר הָכִי: ״אֱלֹהַי, נְצוֹר לְשׁוֹנִי מֵרָע וְשִׂפְתוֹתַי מִדַּבֵּר מִרְמָה..."

Berakhot 17a:4

When Mar, son of Ravina, would conclude his prayers, he would say this:

"My God, keep my tongue from evil and my lips from deceitful speech..." (cf Psalms 34:14)

Why Pronouns are So Important and Why Using the Right Ones is So Jewish - C.E. Harrison

Sharing our pronouns showcases part of our identities, especially when it comes to our gender identities. Our communities include people of varying gender identities, and they all have their own sets of pronouns. Referring to individuals using their correct pronouns conveys respect and validation to everyone in our communities – part of the Jewish imperative to treat others’ the way we wish to be treated.

Might the Jewish imperative to treat others as we wish to be treated apply to gender identity, as well? After all, if each of us wishes to be treated with respect for our own authentic identities, surely it is in alignment with our Jewish values to respect others’ identities, as well.

Retrieved Oct 2022 from https://reformjudaism.org/beliefs-practices/racial-equity-diversity-inclusion/why-pronouns-are-so-important-and-why-using-right-ones-so-jewish

What the Torah and Talmud Teach Us About Calling Transgender People by Their Names - Rabbi Mike Moskowitz & Seth Marnin

Words are powerful. How we use words, how we name things, and what we call people matters [...] Words created the world and still have the ability to change it. The formation of the world began when G-d said “let there be light.”

The mystics explain that the life of a person comes from the letters of their name. They reframe the end of Genesis 2:19 נֶ֥פֶשׁ חַיָּ֖ה ה֥וּא שְׁמֽוֹ (literally, “whatever the man called each living creature, that would be its name”) as the life of a living thing is its name.

Retrieved Oct 2022 from https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/news/articles/what-the-torah-and-talmud-teach-us-about-calling-transgender-people-by-their-names

ברכות י״ג א:ח׳

תָּנֵי בַּר קַפָּרָא: כָּל הַקּוֹרֵא לְאַבְרָהָם ״אַבְרָם״ — עוֹבֵר בַּעֲשֵׂה. שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וְהָיָה שִׁמְךָ אַבְרָהָם״. רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר אוֹמֵר: עוֹבֵר בְּלָאו, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וְלֹא יִקָּרֵא עוֹד [אֶת] שִׁמְךָ אַבְרָם״.

Berakhot 13a:8

Bar Kappara taught: Anyone who calls Abraham [by his former name,] Abram transgresses a command, as it is stated: “And your name will be Abraham” (Genesis 17:5). Rabbi Eliezer says: They [also] transgress a prohibition, as it is stated [in the same verse]: “And your name shall no longer be called Abram.”

Guiding Questions
1. Why do we start the Amidah with a request for God to help us say the right things, and end it with a request for God to help us not say the wrong things?
2. We each have many names and identities (by family, friends, professional, society, etc). Are there some names/identities that are more important to you than others? Why?
3. The words we use can lift others up, or put them down; to make us feel seen, or invisible. What words do you want others to use to describe you in the coming year?

Part 3 - Kavod

בבא מציעא נ״ח ב:ז׳-ח׳

אם היה בעל תשובה אל יאמר לו זכור מעשיך הראשונים אם היה בן גרים אל יאמר לו זכור מעשה אבותיך אם היה גר ובא ללמוד תורה אל יאמר לו פה שאכל נבילות וטריפות שקצים ורמשים בא ללמוד תורה שנאמרה מפי הגבורה

Bava Metzia 58b:7-8

(8) If one has strayed and returned, you may not say to them"Remember your earlier deeds." If one is the child of non-Jews, you may not say to them "Remember the deed of your ancestors." If one converts to Judaism and comes to to study Torah, you may not say to them: "Does the same mouth that used to eat carrion, blemished meat, unclean beasts, and vermin, now come to learn Torah spoken by the mouth of the all-Powerful?"

בבא מציעא פ״ד א:י״ג-י״ח

רבא יומא...ומאימתי גמר מלאכתן רבי יוחנן אמר משיצרפם בכבשן ריש לקיש אמר משיצחצחן במים א"ל לסטאה בלסטיותיה ידע

אמר ליה ומאי אהנת לי התם רבי קרו לי הכא רבי קרו לי אמר ליה אהנאי לך דאקרבינך תחת כנפי השכינה!

חלש דעתיה דרבי יוחנן חלש ריש לקיש אתאי אחתיה קא בכיא אמרה ליה עשה בשביל בני אמר לה (ירמיהו מט, יא) עזבה יתומיך אני אחיה עשה בשביל אלמנותי אמר לה (ירמיהו מט, יא)

הוה קא אזיל וקרע מאניה וקא בכי ואמר היכא את בר לקישא היכא את בר לקישא והוה קא צוח עד דשף דעתיה [מיניה] בעו רבנן רחמי עליה ונח נפשיה

Bava Metzia 84a:13-18

(13-14) One day, the Sages of the study hall were arguing [...] about when a blade is considered "complete." Rabbi Yoḥanan argued it was from when it was first fired in a furnace. Reish Lakish [his student, who used to be a thief] argued it was not until it is quenched in water. He [Rabbi Yoḥanan] said to him [Reish Lakish]: "A thief knows his tools."

He [Reish Lakish] responded "What good have you done me?" There, [among thieves] I was called Master [of thieves], and here [in the study hall], I am [still] called Master [of thieves]!" He [Rabbi Yoḥanan] replied: "What good have I done you?! [By teaching you Torah,] I have brought you under the wings of the Shechina!"

(15) Both Rabbi Yoḥanan and Reish Lakish became broken and faint—Rabbi Yoḥanan in his mind, and Reish Lakish in his body. [Rabbi Yoḥanan’s] sister, [who was married to Reish Lakish], came crying to him [Rabbi Yoḥanan], Saying "Do something, for the sake of my children!" [... They continue arguing back and forth, Rabbi Yoḥanan refusing to do anything, until Reish Lakish dies.]

(16) Rabbi Yoḥanan was beside himself with grief [...] (18) He went around, rending his clothing, weeping and saying: "Where are you, son of Lakish? Where are you, son of Lakish?" Rabbi Yoḥanan screamed until his mind was taken from him, [i.e., he went insane]. The Rabbis prayed for God to have mercy on him, and his spirit was calmed [i.e., he died].

Guiding Questions
1. In both of these texts, we see a warning against holding someone's past against them. Can this be taken too far? How much are we obligated to "forgive and forget" the past?
2. Was either Rabbi Yoḥanan or Reish Lakish "more" in the wrong than the other? Why?

Final Questions
1. Did any texts feel especially meaningful and/or challenging to you personally? Why?
2. Did any texts feel especially relevant (or irrelevant) to our current era of Viral Influencers, Fake News, Cancel Culture, and other online social phenomena?

Bonus Texts!

בבא מציעא נ״ח ב:י״ב-י״ג

תני תנא קמיה דרב נחמן בר יצחק כל המלבין פני חבירו ברבים כאילו שופך דמים

רבי חנינא... כל היורדין לגיהנם עולים חוץ משלשה שיורדין ואין עולין ואלו הן הבא על אשת איש והמלבין פני חבירו ברבים והמכנה שם רע לחבירו

מכנה היינו מלבין אע"ג דדש ביה בשמיה

Bava Metzia 58b:12-13

(12-13) Rav Nachman bar Yitzḥak learned from a Tanna: Anyone who humiliates another in public, it is as though they are spilling blood.

Rabbi Ḥanina said [...] any soul that descends to Gehenna after death, eventually leaves Gehenna, except for three: One who sleeps with a married woman; one who humiliates another in public; and one who calls another a derogatory name.

[The Rabbis of the Gemara ask] Isn't 'one who calls...': the same as 'one who humiliates'? [Why are they separate? They answer:] Even if one became used to the name [and is no longer humiliated by it, the punishment still applies]

ערכין ט״ו ב:י״ח

תנא דבי רבי ישמעאל כל המספר לשון הרע מגדיל עונות כנגד שלש עבירות עבודת כוכבים וגילוי עריות ושפיכות דמים

Arakhin 15b:18

(18) The school of Rabbi Yishmael taught: Anyone who speaks Lashon Hara is doing a wrong as great as the three most serious transgressions: Idolatry, sexual immorality, and murder.

Lashon Hara - Shel (@workingdog_)
Why is lashon hara forbidden? Historically, Jewish people lived in very small tight-knit communities. Everyone knew everyone, and you would know the same people for your entire life. In order to co-exist in a healthy manner, we need to know that we can atone for our misdeeds, be forgiven, and move on from it.

If people feel like one mistake will live on their permanent record forever, then they will get paranoid, anxious, and defensive. Why admit to doing something wrong if nobody will ever forgive you for it anyway? If it's going to follow you for the rest of your life, it would always be in your best interest to deny it and insist that you are in the right. People would feel the need to appear perfect. [...]

Normalized lashon hara also makes it feel dangerous when someone who knows about your mistakes is ever around someone you know. It means they will obviously spread lashon hara about you and you will lose everything. So you have to push them out of your shared spaces, or distance yourself from anyone who talks to them...

Retrieved Oct 2022 from https://cohost.org/shel/post/29079-lashon-hara-direct
Cf Original Twitter Thread: https://twitter.com/workingdog_/status/1121104622641451009

ערכין ט״ו ב:ה׳

אמר רבי יוחנן משום רבי יוסי בן זימרא מאי דכתיב (תהלים קכ, ג) מה יתן לך ומה יוסיף לך לשון רמיה

אמר לו הקב"ה ללשון כל אבריו של אדם זקופים ואתה מוטל כל אבריו של אדם מבחוץ ואתה מבפנים ולא עוד אלא שהקפתי לך שתי חומות אחת של עצם ואחת של בשר מה יתן לך ומה יוסיף לך לשון רמיה

Arakhin 15b:5

(5) Rabbi Yoḥanan quoted Rabbi Yosei ben Zimra, saying: What is the meaning of: “What is given to you/And what do you gain/O deceitful tongue?” (Psalms 120:3)?

The Holy One, Blessed be He said to the tongue: All the other limbs of a person are upright, but you are laying down. All the other limbs of a person are external, but you are internal. And moreover, I have surrounded you with two walls, one of bone [the teeth] and one of flesh, [the lips]. What [more] can be given to you and what [more] can be gained... to prevent you, O tongue, from speaking deceit?