Silence & Mourning

How are we to understand Aaron's response to his son's death?
What perspectives do the commentators express?
What about Moses' response to Aaron?
When can we learn about silence in response to personal tragedy?

דָּמַם (b. h.;

1. • v. דּוּם,
   • to be silent, dumb, at rest; to be stricken dumb.

Isaac ben Judah Abravanel (1437–1508)
Vayidom aharon - His heart turned to lifeless stone (domem - mineral), and he did not weep and mourn like a bereaved father, nor did he accept Moses' consolation for his soul had left him and he was speechless.
In other words, Aaron's silence was a function of shock rather than piety. Aaron is presented not as a hero of faith but simply as a human being, a father stunned into numbness by the unthinkable - the sudden, completely unexpected death of two of his children. He does not speak because there are no words -- Rabbi Shai Held, Shemini

"Bible scholar Baruch Levine suggests that there are actually two separate meanings to the Biblical Hebrew root d-m-m. The first, more common meaning is "to be still" - and as we have seen, this is how biblical commentators have almost always understood the term va-yidom when applied to Aaron: "And Aaron was silent." The second, less familiar meaning is "to mourn, to moan."
"Levine argues that Leviticus 10:3 says nothing about Aaron keeping silent. On the contrary, the second meaning of d-m-m is intended: "And Aaron mourned [or moaned]." On Levine's interpretation, the Torah tells us that "Aaron reacted in the customary manner; he moaned or wailed and was about to initiate formal mourning and lamentation for his two lost sons." The whole story now appears in a very different and more subtle light: Aaron moans and cries out because the agony of a father upon the loss of his children is irrepressible. But Moses forbids him and his remaining sons from initiating formal rites of mourning, i.e. bearing their heads and rending their garments. Instead, he assures them, the people will mourn on their behalf (10:6). From R. Shai Held, Shemini

And what about Moses?
R. Shai Held
How can we understand Moses' seemingly unfeeling response? Aaron and his sons have just been ordained and God's presence has appeared at the newly consecrated mishkan (tabernacle); the founding and establishment of the divine service appears to be going according to plan. But then, in the very next verse, even before the sacrifices have been eaten, everything seems to fall apart. Nadav and Avihu behave inappropriately, with grave and terrifying consequences. For Moses, it must feel like deja vu. A tremendous amount is at stake in this moment, both for Moses and for the people of Israel. At Mount Sinai, God and Israel had pledged their commitment to one another. But as soon as Moses tarried on the mountain, the people had turned to idolatry (Exodus 32:1-6). Moses was enraged and distraught.
Here, now, the next stage of Israel's life with God is about to begin - and again, things go badly awry. Moses' (and God's) plans are disrupted just as they are being actualized; order is again undermined by chaos - and this time, the violation may well be unclear even to Moses, making for a doubly terrifying scene.[12] It is easy to condemn people who speak in haste; it is usually far harder to understand them.
I have distinguished between Moses' attempt to explain Aaron's tragedy, which, though understandable, is problematic, and his dispensing orders for managing the crisis, which is his responsibility as Israel's leader - and all the more so in times of crisis. The lessons here are subtle: The impulse to explain other people's tragedies often stems from our own fear of chaos; it is almost always crucial to resist the urge to share those explanations with them. But sometimes people find themselves in positions of great responsibility; part of what those roles entails is that we cannot always give free and unhindered public expression to our grief." Rabbi Shai Held, Shemini

Baal Shem Tov (18th C) that there are three ways to mourn: through silence, through tears, and through song.

Silence.
Where in this holocaust is the word of God?
The world was silent; the world was still.
And now, survivors stammer; their words are haunted.
Behind the silence,
a witness to the sin of silence...
And in the camps and streets of Europe
mother and father and child lay dying,
and many looked away.
To look away from evil:
Is this not the sin of all "good" people?
Elie Wiesel, "The Silence of the Bystander"