During these many months of COVID, we have all experienced different levels of solitude and isolation. Being alone has, unfortunately, taken on a whole new meaning this year.
Without minimizing the challenges of this solitude or of the toll that the isolation of COVID has taken on any of us, I would venture to say that none of us have experienced a solitude quite like that of Admiral Richard Byrd almost one hundred years ago.
Admiral Byrd was a decorated American naval officer and recipient of the Medal of Honor. He was a pioneering American aviator and avid polar explorer.
In 1934, he set out to man the world’s first in-land weather station ever occupied in Antarctica’s ice-cold and barren interior. He spent 5 months literally alone without another human being in a 123 mile radius! His only contact with the outside world was with through intermittent radio communications with other officers who he could hear, but who he had to respond to in morse code! He claimed to be the “most isolated human on earth” and he was probably accurate in that description!
His experiences are recoded in his memoir called Alone in which he explains that his expedition into solitude was initiated not by some desire to escape from an unhappy life (he actually had a great life which he was thrilled to go back to at the end of the five months). His journey was precipitated by the desire for some uninterrupted introspection at the level that few humans have ever experienced. He said:
“...it is something, I believe, that people beset by the complexities of modern life will understand instinctively. We are caught up in the winds that blow every which way. And in the hullabaloo the thinking man is driven to ponder where he is being blown and to long desperately for some quiet place where he can reason undisturbed and take inventory.”
It is the experience of solitude and some of Admiral Byrd’s realizations as he took stock of his life that are at the forefront of my mind as we enter Yom Kippur because Yom Kippur is a day with a deep connection to the concept of solitude.
Yom Kippur the day on which we experience solitude because we retreat from all the physicality of the world refraining from eating, and drinking, and grooming, and all manner of physical pleasure. However, Yom Kippur is also a day of solitude because it marks the anniversary of a critical moment of solitude in the history of our people.
In Parashat Vayishlach, Yaakov is on a journey home back to the Land of Canaan after over twenty years in Lavan’s home nervously awaiting his encounter with Esav when the Torah tells us about, perhaps, one of the most important, most dramatic, most elusive moments of his life shrouded in deep mystery...a moment of solitude:
There is so much to say about this pasuk, but for us, today, the critical point is: Yaakov was left alone on that night, לבדו.
The Zohar (Zohar Vayikra, Parashat Emor) says that this incident, this moment of solitude, לבדו, of occurred on Yom Kippur!
I don’t know if the Zohar actually meant to tell us that this occurred on the date of the tenth of Tishrei or not, but what I do know is that the Zohar understood that there is something that Yaakov experienced that night in Maavar Yabok in his moment of לבדו in his moment of solitude which is critical for us to re-experience and think about on the day of Yom Kippur.
What was the meaning of Yaakov’s solitude and what can we learn from it this YK?
The classical mefarshim (see Rashbam and Seforno) offer a very practical reason for Yaakov’s solitude: Yaakov was alone that night because as he moved his entire family across the ford to safety, he wanted to be the last one over, he wanted to make sure no one was left behind.
However, Chazal had a different, more interpretative, tradition regarding this moment of solitude and how it came to be:
(בראשית לב, כה) ויותר יעקב לבדו אמר רבי אלעזר שנשתייר על פכין קטנים...
“And Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day” (Genesis 32:25). Rabbi Elazar says: The reason Jacob remained alone was that he remained to collect some small pitchers that had been left behind...
Yaakov found himself all alone because he was retrieving פכין קטנים, small jars!
Extrapolating from this Gemara, Rashi goes even further saying that not only did Yaakov stick around alone for the jars נשתייר, but that he actually went back, חזר, across the ford for them after already having crossed safely to the other side with the rest of his camp!
What a strange idea! Picture it: Yaakov is afraid for his life and the well-being of his camp, he crosses all of his family and all of his possessions over to one side of the river, he is finally back in the land of his father and grandfather newly escorted by the angels of Eretz Yisrael and just as he breathes a sigh of relief...he looks back and says: “Wait!! I forgot my little jars....I better go back!”
Really!!?
Why would Chazal say that Yaakov went all alone and endangered his life simply for some small insignificant jars? What message were Chazal trying to convey to us about solitude or about Yaakov Avinu by suggesting this odd interpretation?
While some feel that Yaakov’s return for the פכים קטנים was misguided, representing a hyper-focus on materialism over spirituality, indicating just how much Yaakov had sunk to the level of Lavan in those twenty plus years in his home, the Gemara in the very same passage cited before, feels quite the opposite is true: Rebi Elazar in that Gemara praises Yaakov for his return to retrieve the jars telling us that it is a sign of his great righteousness. Various mefarshim quoting this Gemara have offered interpretations as to why this was so praiseworthy and what we can learn from it:
1. Rabenu Bechaye says these were not פכים קטנים, small jars, but rather, פכים לקטנים, jars FOR the small ones – namely special cups that were the only one’s small kids would drink from. Yaakov was worried about how the small kids would survive the rest of the journey without their drinking cups! According to Rabenu Bechaye, in his moment of solitude Yaakov realizes how important it is for him to act as a loving father and protect his family.
...והכוונה כדי שלא יסתכנו הבנים הקטנים בדרך אם לא ישתו, ולכך שם עצמו בסכנה לחזור, והמקטרג נזדווג לו מיד.
And the intention is in order that the small children not be endangered on the way were they not to drink, and therefore, he put himself in danger in going back [to get the jars], for the accuser would contend with him immediately.
2. Rav Hirsch says that Yaakov was so concerned about his material possessions not because he was obsessed with materialism, but because he had a deep self-respect and appreciation for how scrupulous and honest he was in all his business dealings. Any of his possessions that were acquired with great moral concern and “yashrut,” even those that were small and insignificant, took on a value that was immeasurable and brought him great, and appropriate, pride. According to Rav Hirsch, in his moment of solitude Yaakov realizes the value of celebrating his small moral achievements.
רש"ר הירש בראשית פרשת ויצא - וישלח פרק לב
מי "שאינו פושט ידו בגזל", והוא קורא את שלו רק מה שהצליח לרכוש במאמציו הישרים,...ערכו לא ישוער.
Rav Hirsch on Bereshit 32
One "who does not touch stolen property," and he claims for his own only that which he succeeded to acquire through honest means...the value of this is limitless.
3. While these interpretations are beautiful, it is this final idea of the Ari z”l (the great kabbalist R. Isaac Luria of Tsfat in the 16th century) that I truly wish to share with you today. The Ari z“l says:
כי להיות שהוא נשפע מלמעלה, אין ראוי שימאס בו, כי אם לא היה צורך בו לא היה נותן לו הקב"ה. ולכן חזר על הפכים הקטנים, כי אם לא היה חוזר היה נראה כאילו אינו רוצה באותם הפכים. וכל דבר הנשפע מלמעלה צריך לחזור עליו
For in order to be someone who [internalizes that they have] an abundance from above, it's not fitting to despise it, for if he did not need that thing, the Holy Blessed One would not have given it to him. And therefore, he went back for the small jars, for has he not gone back for the them, he would appear as if he did not wan them. And all the things that come from above, one must go back for them.
Accord to the Ari z”l, Yaakov’s return to the other side of the river in solitude was part of his overall life philosophy of seeing everything in this world from the greatest success to the smallest, simplest, most mundane jar as a gift from Hashem worth chasing after and cherishing.
In this moment of solitude away from all the distractions, and the busyness, and the tasks, and the responsibilities, and the grandeur of carrying the legacy of Avraham Avinu, and the weight of carrying forth the mantle of Jewish History, Yaakov had a moment of pristine clarity and unusual simplicity in which he was able to see what was most important in life and able to see that all he had, everything- even the smallest things like פכין קטנים - were incredible gifts from Hashem that could not be taken for granted.
Admiral Byrd came to much the same realization in his solitude.
He wrote from the depths of cold in Antarctica saying:
“My sense of values is changing...I am better able to tell what in the world is wheat for me and what is chaff.”
“...It occurred to me then that half the confusion in the world comes from not knowing how little we need.”
Once he came home he said:
“Part of me remained forever at Latitude 80 08’ South:... my youth, my vanity, perhaps, and certainly my skepticism. On the other hand, I did take away something that I had not fully possessed before: appreciation of the sheer beauty and miracle of being alive, and a humble set of values. . . . Civilization has not altered my ideas. I live more simply now, and with more peace.”
In solitude, Admiral Byrd found his פכין קטנים, he found his ability to appreciate that everything is a miracle and a gift from a higher power not to be disregarded.
In solitude, Yaakov found the ability to appreciate that even the smallest things in life are gifts from Hashem.
In connecting Yaakov’s experience of לבדו to Yom Kippur, the Zohar was telling us that Yom Kippur can and should be our moment of לבדו, our moment of solitude, our moment in which we, like Yaakov Avinu and like (lehavdil) Admiral Byrd, must do the same.
On Yom Kippur so much is taken away from us – our food and drink and comforts. This Yom Kippur even more has been taken away from us – during COVID we have been stripped of so much of what we enjoy in life, and so much of what gives us fulfillment, and so much of what keeps us sane, and so much of what makes Shabbat and Yom Tov and especially these days of Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur special.
Yet despite that, or maybe because of that, we can retreat this Yom Kippur into the solitude of our place, and our thoughts, and our tefilot, and our moments alone with Hashem like Yaakov Avinu did on this day so many years ago to find the פכין קטנים of our lives, to find the littlest of gifts from Hashem and treasure them.
Use the moments of solitude, like Yaakov Avinu did, to look hard and to find, and to hold on to, and to cherish something small that you truly value about the life Hashem has given you. Before Yom Kippur, write one thing down that you are so thankful for – a gift from Hashem – and have that be your focus in your solitude this Yom Kippur. Recognize the amazing gift of slicha umechila, the amazing gift of forgiveness (total and absolute forgiveness that can only come from the Divine), the amazing gift of a clean slate and a fresh start and a break with all the mistakes and sufferings of our past that Hashem will grant us and figure out how to best use that time and opportunity to the fullest.
Today as we recite Yizkor we cannot help but think about how much has been taken away from us: Parents, grandparents, siblings, children, family and friends ...loved ones some of whom we knew well and were close to, others with whom we had strained relationships, others who we never even got to know, martyrs of the Holocaust and brave soldiers of the IDF....and more.
Let this moment of Yizkor be a moment of solitude which will be, in the words of Admiral Byrd, a quiet place where [we] can reason undisturbed and take inventory of the small gifts that our loved ones gave us.
Use the moments of solitude, to look hard and to find, and to hold on to, and to cherish something small that you truly value about the loved ones you remember today: The lessons they taught you, the moments they spent with you, the legacy that they bequeathed to you, the examples they set for you, the words they spoke to you, and especially the small memories that you are left with today. If the loved one you remember today was taken from you way too early robbing you of the time you should have had with them or even if you never met the loved one you are remembering then simply imagine what time you wished you would have had with them and what gifts you would cherish now if you had had the chance to spend more time with them.
May Hashem continue to grant us the small gifts of life.
May we appreciate the solitude and the loving memories of those we recall today and then merit to re-emerge into the loving embrace of those who b”h are still around us.
May this be a year of great clarity for us and a year filled with life, health, happiness and safety for the world.
Gmar Chatima Tova.