Rabbi M. Shuchatowitz- The Living Marriage -Reshus and Intimacy

והאמר רבא חייב אדם לשמח אשתו בדבר מצוה סמוך לווסתה

The Gemara asks further: Even so, didn’t Rava say that a man is obligated to please his wife through a mitzva? That is to say, he must engage in sexual intercourse with her when she so desires, even if it is not the time of her conjugal rights. The Gemara answers that we are dealing with a case where it was near her expected date of menstruation, when sexual relations are prohibited due to a concern that the woman may already be menstruating or that she may begin to menstruate during the sexual act.

דברים ה׳:כ״ז

(כז) לֵ֖ךְ אֱמֹ֣ר לָהֶ֑ם שׁ֥וּבוּ לָכֶ֖ם לְאָהֳלֵיכֶֽם׃

Deuteronomy 5:27

(27) Go, say to them, ‘Return to your tents.’

עבודה זרה ה׳ א:ה׳

ר"א אומר קשורה בו ככלב שנאמר (בראשית לט, י) ולא שמע אליה לשכב אצלה להיות עמה לשכב אצלה בעוה"ז להיות עמה בעוה"ב

Avodah Zarah 5a:5

Rabbi Elazar says: The transgression is tied to him like a dog and does not leave him, as it is stated with regard to Joseph and Potiphar’s wife: “And he did not listen to her, to lie by her, or to be with her” (Genesis 39:10). This teaches that Joseph refused “to lie by her” in this world, which would have meant that he would have had “to be with her” in the World-to-Come.

ביצה ה׳ א:ז׳

אמר רב יוסף מנא אמינא לה דכתיב (דברים ה, ל) לך אמור להם שובו לכם לאהליכם ואומר (שמות יט, יג) במשוך היובל המה יעלו בהר

Beitzah 5a:7

Rav Yosef said: From where do I say my opinion? As it is written, after the Jews received the Torah: “Go, say to them: Return to your tents” (Deuteronomy 5:26), where “your tents” is referring to your wives. And it says, before the revelation at Sinai: “When the ram’s horn sounds long, they may come up to the mount” (Exodus 19:13). And it is stated: “Be ready for the third day, do not come near a woman” (Exodus 19:15). In other words, although the original prohibition served a particular purpose, in this case the giving of the Torah, it was nevertheless necessary to explicitly render the prohibition permitted.

בראשית ל׳:ט״ז

(טז) וַיָּבֹ֨א יַעֲקֹ֣ב מִן־הַשָּׂדֶה֮ בָּעֶרֶב֒ וַתֵּצֵ֨א לֵאָ֜ה לִקְרָאת֗וֹ וַתֹּ֙אמֶר֙ אֵלַ֣י תָּב֔וֹא כִּ֚י שָׂכֹ֣ר שְׂכַרְתִּ֔יךָ בְּדוּדָאֵ֖י בְּנִ֑י וַיִּשְׁכַּ֥ב עִמָּ֖הּ בַּלַּ֥יְלָה הֽוּא׃

Genesis 30:16

(16) When Jacob came home from the field in the evening, Leah went out to meet him and said, “You are to sleep with me, for I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes.” And he lay with her that night.

יבמות ס״ב ב:י״ד

במערבא אמרי בלא תורה בלא חומה בלא תורה דכתיב (איוב ו, יג) האם אין עזרתי בי ותושיה נדחה ממני בלא חומה דכתיב (ירמיהו לא, כב) נקבה תסובב גבר

Yevamot 62b:14

In the West, Eretz Yisrael, they say: One who lives without a wife is left without Torah, and without a wall of protection. He is without Torah, as it is written: “Is it that I have no help in me, and that sound wisdom is driven from me?” (Job 6:13), indicating that one who does not have a wife lacks sound wisdom, i.e., Torah. He is without a wall, as it is written: “A woman shall go round a man” (Jeremiah 31:21), similar to a protective wall.

יבמות ס״ב ב:ט״ו

רבא בר עולא אמר בלא שלום דכתיב (איוב ה, כד) וידעת כי שלום אהלך ופקדת נוך ולא תחטא

Yevamot 62b:15

Rava bar Ulla said: One who does not have a wife is left without peace, as it is written: “And you shall know that your tent is in peace; and you shall visit your habitation and shall miss nothing” (Job 5:24). This indicates that a man has peace only when he has a tent, i.e., a wife.

יבמות ס״ב ב:ט״ז

אמר ריב"ל כל היודע באשתו שהיא יראת שמים ואינו פוקדה נקרא חוטא שנאמר וידעת כי שלום אהלך וגו' ואמר ריב"ל חייב אדם לפקוד את אשתו בשעה שהוא יוצא לדרך שנא' וידעת כי שלום אהלך וגו'

Yevamot 62b:16

On the same verse, Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: Whoever knows that his wife fears Heaven and she desires him, and he does not visit her, i.e., have intercourse with her, is called a sinner, as it is stated: And you shall know that your tent is in peace; and you shall visit your habitation. And Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: A man is obligated to visit his wife for the purpose of having intercourse when he is about to depart on a journey, as it is stated: “And you shall know that your tent is in peace, etc.”

נדרים כ׳ ב:י׳

איני והאמר רבי שמואל בר נחמני אמר רבי יונתן כל אדם שאשתו תובעתו הויין לו בנים שאפילו בדורו של משה רבינו לא היו כמותם שנאמר הבו לכם אנשים חכמים ונבונים וכתיב ואקח את ראשי שבטיכם ולא כתיב נבונים

Nedarim 20b:10

The Gemara asks: Is that so? But didn’t Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥmani say that Rabbi Yonatan said: Any man whose wife demands of him that he engage in sexual intercourse with her will have children the likes of whom did not exist even in the generation of Moses our teacher? As it is stated: “Get you wise men, and understanding, and well known from each one of your tribes, and I will make them head over you” (Deuteronomy 1:13); and it is written subsequently: “So I took the heads of your tribes, wise men, and well known” (Deuteronomy 1:15). And it does not say that they were understanding. Evidently, even Moses could not find understanding men in his generation.

יומא ע״ב ב:ט״ז

(תהלים יט, י) יראת ה' טהורה עומדת לעד אמר רבי חנינא זה הלומד תורה בטהרה מאי היא נושא אשה ואחר כך לומד תורה

Yoma 72b:16

The verse states: “Fear of the Lord is pure, it stands forever” (Psalms 19:10). Rabbi Ḥanina said: This is referring to one who studies Torah in purity; for such a person the Torah will remain with him forever. What is this; what does it mean to study in purity? One first marries a woman and afterward studies Torah. Since he is married, his heart will not be occupied with thoughts of sin, which could lead him to become impure.

כתובות ס״ה א:ט׳-י׳

חומא דביתהו דאביי אתאי לקמיה דרבא אמרה ליה פסוק לי מזוני פסק לה פסוק לי חמרא א"ל ידענא ביה בנחמני דלא הוה שתי חמרא אמרה ליה חיי דמר דהוי משקי ליה בשופרזי כי האי בהדי דקא מחויא ליה איגלי דרעא נפל נהורא בבי דינא קם רבא על לביתיה תבעה לבת רב חסדא אמרה ליה בת רב חסדא מאן הוי האידנא בבי דינא אמר לה חומא דביתהו דאביי נפקא אבתרה מחתא לה בקולפי דשידא עד דאפקה לה מכולי מחוזא אמרה לה קטלת ליך תלתא ואתת למיקטל אחרינא

Ketubot 65a:9-10

The Gemara relates: Abaye’s wife, Ḥoma, came before Rava after Abaye died, as Rava was the local judge. She said to him: Apportion sustenance for me, as I am entitled to be sustained by Abaye’s heirs. Rava apportioned sustenance for her. She subsequently said to him: Apportion wine for me as well. Rava said to her: I know that Naḥmani, i.e., Abaye, did not drink wine. Since you were not accustomed to drinking wine during your husband’s lifetime, you are not entitled to it after his death. She said to him: By the Master’s life, this is not correct. In fact, he would give me wine to drink in cups [shufrazei] as large as this. She gestured with her hands to show how large the cups were. While she was showing him the size of the cups, her arm became uncovered, and she was so beautiful that it was as though a light had shined in the courtroom. Rava arose, went home, and requested intercourse from his wife, the daughter of Rav Ḥisda. The daughter of Rav Ḥisda said to him: Who was just now in the courtroom? Noticing his unusual behavior, she suspected that there must have been a woman in the court. He said to her: Ḥoma, Abaye’s wife, was there. Upon hearing this, Rava’s wife went after Ḥoma and struck her with the lock of a chest [kulpei deshida] until she drove her out of the entire city of Meḥoza, saying to her: You have already killed three men, as Abaye was your third husband, and now you come to kill another one, my husband Rava? Since you showed him your beauty, he will want to marry you.

בראשית כ״ו:ח׳

(ח) וַיְהִ֗י כִּ֣י אָֽרְכוּ־ל֥וֹ שָׁם֙ הַיָּמִ֔ים וַיַּשְׁקֵ֗ף אֲבִימֶ֙לֶךְ֙ מֶ֣לֶךְ פְּלִשְׁתִּ֔ים בְּעַ֖ד הַֽחַלּ֑וֹן וַיַּ֗רְא וְהִנֵּ֤ה יִצְחָק֙ מְצַחֵ֔ק אֵ֖ת רִבְקָ֥ה אִשְׁתּֽוֹ׃

Genesis 26:8

(8) When some time had passed, Abimelech king of the Philistines, looking out of the window, saw Isaac fondling his wife Rebekah.

בראשית ב׳:כ״ג

(כג) וַיֹּאמֶר֮ הָֽאָדָם֒ זֹ֣את הַפַּ֗עַם עֶ֚צֶם מֵֽעֲצָמַ֔י וּבָשָׂ֖ר מִבְּשָׂרִ֑י לְזֹאת֙ יִקָּרֵ֣א אִשָּׁ֔ה כִּ֥י מֵאִ֖ישׁ לֻֽקֳחָה־זֹּֽאת׃

Genesis 2:23

(23) Then the man said, “This one at last Is bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh. This one shall be called Woman, For from man was she taken.”

תענית כ״ג ב:ה׳

מאי טעמא כי מטא מר למתא נפקא דביתהו דמר כי מיקשטא אמר להו כדי שלא אתן עיני באשה אחרת מאי טעמא עיילא היא ברישא והדר עייל מר אבתרה והדר עיילינן אנן אמר להו משום דלא בדקיתו לי

Taanit 23b:5

They further inquired: What is the reason that when the Master reached the city, the Master’s wife came out adorned in her finery? He said to them: She dresses that way so that when I walk through the city I will not set my eyes upon another woman. They asked: What is the reason that she entered first, and afterward the Master entered, and only afterward we entered? He said to them: Because you have not been checked by me. I cannot be sure how you will act, and therefore I did not want you to be alone with my wife.

משלי י״ט:י׳

(י) לֹֽא־נָאוֶ֣ה לִכְסִ֣יל תַּעֲנ֑וּג אַ֝֗ף כִּֽי־לְעֶ֤בֶד ׀ מְשֹׁ֬ל בְּשָׂרִֽים׃

Proverbs 19:10

(10) Luxury is not fitting for a dullard, Much less that a servant rule over princes.

בבא מציעא ק״ז ב:ז׳-ח׳

ת"ר י"ג דברים נאמרו בפת שחרית מצלת מן החמה ומן הצנה ומן הזיקין ומן המזיקין ומחכימת פתי וזוכה בדין ללמוד תורה וללמד ודבריו נשמעין ותלמודו מתקיים בידו ואין בשרו מעלה הבל ונזקק לאשתו ואינו מתאוה לאשה אחרת והורגת כינה שבבני מעים וי"א אף מוציא את הקנאה ומכניס את האהבה

Bava Metzia 107b:7-8

§ The Gemara cites a related baraita: The Sages taught that thirteen matters of praise were stated with regard to a meal of bread eaten in the morning: It protects the diner from the heat, and from the cold, and from the winds, and from the harmful spirits; and it makes the simple wise, and one who consumes it will be victorious in judgment, he will merit to learn Torah and to teach it, and his statements are heard, and his study will remain in his possession. In addition, his flesh does not generate excess sweat, and he engages in intercourse with his wife at the proper time, and he does not lust for another woman, and this meal is so advantageous that it even kills any louse in his intestines. And some say it even removes jealousy and brings in love. Since he is completely healthy, he is not inclined to be angered by others.

משנה תורה, הלכות דעות ד׳:י״ט

(יט) שִׁכְבַת זֶרַע הִיא כֹּחַ הַגּוּף וְחַיָּיו וּמְאוֹר הָעֵינַיִם וְכָל שֶׁתֵּצֵא בְּיוֹתֵר הַגּוּף כָּלֶה וְכֹחוֹ כָּלֶה וְחַיָּיו אוֹבְדִים. הוּא שֶׁאָמַר שְׁלֹמֹה בְּחָכְמָתוֹ (משלי לא ג) "אַל תִּתֵּן לַנָּשִׁים חֵילֶךָ". כָּל הַשָּׁטוּף בִּבְעִילָה זִקְנָה קוֹפֶצֶת עָלָיו. וְכֹחוֹ תָּשֵׁשׁ. וְעֵינָיו כֵּהוֹת. וְרֵיחַ רַע נוֹדֵף מִפִּיו וּמִשֶּׁחְיוֹ. וּשְׂעַר רֹאשׁוֹ וְגַבּוֹת עֵינָיו וְרִיסֵי עֵינָיו נוֹשְׁרוֹת. וּשְׂעַר זְקָנוֹ וְשֶׁחְיוֹ וּשְׂעַר רַגְלָיו רַבֶּה. שִׁנָּיו נוֹפְלוֹת. וְהַרְבֵּה כְּאֵבִים חוּץ מֵאֵלּוּ בָּאִים עָלָיו. אָמְרוּ חַכְמֵי הָרוֹפְאִים אֶחָד מֵאֶלֶף מֵת בִּשְׁאָר חֳלָאִים וְהָאֶלֶף מֵרֹב הַתַּשְׁמִישׁ. לְפִיכָךְ צָרִיךְ אָדָם לְהִזָּהֵר בְּדָבָר זֶה אִם רָצָה לִחְיוֹת בְּטוֹבָה. וְלֹא יִבְעל אֶלָּא כְּשֶׁיִּמָּצֵא גּוּפוֹ בָּרִיא וְחָזָק בְּיוֹתֵר וְהוּא מִתְקַשֶּׁה הַרְבֵּה שֶׁלֹּא לְדַעְתּוֹ. וּמַסִּיחַ עַצְמוֹ לְדָבָר אַחֵר וְהַקִּשּׁוּי בּוֹ כְּשֶׁהָיָה. וְיִמָּצֵא כֹּבֶד מִמָּתְנָיו וּלְמַטָּה וּכְאִלּוּ חוּטֵי הַבֵּיצִים נִמְשָׁכִים וּבְשָׂרוֹ חַם. זֶה צָרִיךְ לִבְעל וּרְפוּאָה לוֹ שֶׁיִּבְעל. לֹא יִבְעל אָדָם וְהוּא שָׂבֵעַ וְלֹא רָעֵב אֶלָּא אַחַר שֶׁיִּתְעַכֵּל הַמָּזוֹן שֶׁבְּמֵעָיו. וְיִבְדֹק נְקָבָיו קֹדֶם בְּעִילָה וּלְאַחַר בְּעִילָה. וְלֹא יִבְעל מְעֻמָּד וְלֹא מְיֻשָּׁב. וְלֹא בְּבֵית הַמֶּרְחָץ וְלֹא בְּיוֹם שֶׁיִּכָּנֵס לַמֶּרְחָץ. וְלֹא בְּיוֹם הַקָּזָה. וְלֹא בְּיוֹם יְצִיאָה לַדֶּרֶךְ אוֹ בִּיאָה מִן הַדֶּרֶךְ לֹא לִפְנֵיהֶם וְלֹא לְאַחֲרֵיהֶם:

Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 4:19

(19) Semen is the vigor of the body, its very life, and the light of the eyes, and its too frequent emission sets decay in the body, wastes its strength, and ends life itself, which is as Solomon in his wisdom said: "Give not unto women thy vigor" (Prov. 31.3). Whosoever indulges in sensuality ages before his time, his strength fails him, his eyes become dim, a foul odor issues from his mouth and from underneath his arms, the hair of his head, eye-brows, and eye-lids fall out; the hair of his beard, under his arms and his feet grow heavier, his teeth fall out, and many more ailments besides these come upon him. Doctors of medicine said: "One in a thousand die of other diseases, and the rest of the thousand from overindulgence of sex. Therefore, must man be careful in this matter, if he desires to lead a good life. He should not yield to an urge save if his body be in good health and exceedingly vigorous, with involuntary erection despite diversion, and a pressure on the genitocrural arteries accompanied by warm wave over his body, when there is a hygienic need of relief. But he should not still an urge when sated and not when hungry, but after the food in his bowels be digested. Care should be taken, before and after, whether there is a need of elimination. Neither standing nor sitting; neither in the bath-house nor on the day of bathing; neither on the day of blood-letting nor on the day of departing for or returning from a journey; neither preceding nor following all these.