HaMakom Yinachem

דרש ר' שמלאי תורה תחלתה גמילות חסדים וסופה גמילות חסדים תחילתה גמילות חסדים דכתיב ויעש ה' אלהים לאדם ולאשתו כתנות עור וילבישם וסופה גמילות חסדים דכתיב ויקבר אותו בגיא

Sotah 14a:6

...One should follow the attributes of the Holy One, Blessed be God...

Just as the Holy One, Blessed be God, consoles mourners, as it is written: “And it came to pass after the death of Abraham, that God blessed Isaac his son” (Genesis 25:11), so too, should you console mourners. Just as the Holy One, Blessed be God, buried the dead, as it is written: “And he was buried in the valley in the land of Moab” (Deuteronomy 34:6), so too, should you bury the dead...

...Rabbi Simlai expounded, The Torah begins with loving-kindness and ends with loving kindness. It begins with loving kindness, as it is written (Genesis 3:21), "And God made for Adam and his wife coats of skin, and he dressed them." It ends with loving kindness, as it is written (Deuteronomy 34:6), and He buried him in a valley."

בראשית ג׳:י״ט

(יט) בְּזֵעַ֤ת אַפֶּ֙יךָ֙ תֹּ֣אכַל לֶ֔חֶם עַ֤ד שֽׁוּבְךָ֙ אֶל־הָ֣אֲדָמָ֔ה כִּ֥י מִמֶּ֖נָּה לֻקָּ֑חְתָּ כִּֽי־עָפָ֣ר אַ֔תָּה וְאֶל־עָפָ֖ר תָּשֽׁוּב׃

Genesis 3:19

(19) By the sweat of your brow Shall you get bread to eat, Until you return to the ground— For from it you were taken. For dust you are, And to dust you shall return.”

מועד קטן כ״ז א-כ״ז ב

גמ׳ תנו רבנן בראשונה היו מוליכין בבית האבל עשירים בקלתות של כסף ושל זהב ועניים בסלי נצרים של ערבה קלופה והיו עניים מתביישים התקינו שיהו הכל מביאין בסלי נצרים של ערבה קלופה מפני כבודן של עניים תנו רבנן בראשונה היו משקין בבית האבל עשירים בזכוכית לבנה ועניים בזכוכית צבועה והיו עניים מתביישין התקינו שיהו הכל משקין בזכוכית צבועה מפני כבודן של עניים בראשונה היו מגלין פני עשירים ומכסין פני עניים מפני שהיו מושחרין פניהן מפני בצורת והיו עניים מתביישין התקינו שיהו מכסין פני הכל מפני כבודן של עניים בראשונה היו מוציאין עשירים בדרגש ועניים בכליכה והיו עניים מתביישין התקינו שיהו הכל מוציאין בכליכה מפני כבודן של עניים בראשונה היו מניחין את המוגמר תחת חולי מעים מתים והיו חולי מעים חיים מתביישין התקינו שיהו מניחין תחת הכל מפני כבודן של חולי מעים חיים בראשונה היו מטבילין את הכלים על גבי נדות מתות והיו נדות חיות מתביישות התקינו שיהו מטבילין על גבי כל הנשים מפני כבודן של נדות חיות בראשונה מטבילין על גבי זבין מתים והיו זבין חיים מתביישין התקינו שיהו מטבילין על גב הכל מפני כבודן של זבין חיים בראשונה היתה הוצאת המת קשה לקרוביו יותר ממיתתו עד שהיו קרוביו מניחין אותו ובורחין עד שבא רבן גמליאל ונהג קלות ראש בעצמו ויצא בכלי פשתן ונהגו העם אחריו לצאת בכלי פשתן אמר רב פפא והאידנא נהוג עלמא אפילו בצרדא בר זוזא:

Moed Katan 27a-27b

GEMARA: The Sages taught the following baraita: At first, the meal after the burial would be brought to the house of the mourner in various ways. The wealthy would bring the meal in baskets of silver and gold, and the poor would bring it in baskets of peeled willow branches. And the poor were embarrassed, as everyone would see that they were poor.The Sages instituted that everyone should bring the meal in baskets of peeled willow branches, due to the honor of the poor. The Sages taught a similar baraita: At first, they would serve wine in the house of the mourner during the first meal after the burial; the wealthy would do so in cups made from white glass, and the poor would serve this wine in cups of colored glass. And the poor were embarrassed, as everyone would see that they were poor. The Sages instituted that all should serve drinks in the house of the mourner in colored glass cups, due to the honor of the poor. Furthermore, at first they would uncover the faces of the wealthy who passed away and cover the faces of the poor,because their faces were blackened by famine. And the poor were embarrassed because they were buried in a different manner. The Sages instituted that everyone’s face should be covered, due to the honor of the poor. Additionally, at first the wealthy would take the deceased out for burial on a dargash, and the poor would take the deceased out on a plain bier made from poles that were strapped together, and the poor were embarrassed. The Sages instituted that everyone should be taken out for burial on a plain bier, due to the honor of the poor. Similarly, at first they would place incense under the beds of those who died with an intestinal disease, because the body emitted an especially unpleasant odor. And those who were alive with an intestinal disease were embarrassed when they understood that they, too, would be treated in this manner after their death, and that everyone would know the cause of their death. The Sages instituted that incense should be placed under everyone, due to the honor of those with an intestinal disease who were still living. Moreover, at first they would ritually immerse all the utensils that had been used by women who died while menstruating, which had thereby contracted ritual impurity. And due to this, the living menstruating women were embarrassed. The Sages instituted that the utensils that had been used by all dying women must be immersed, due to the honor of living menstruating women. And, at first they would ritually immerse all the utensils that had been used by zavin, men suffering from gonorrhea, who died, as the utensils had thereby contracted ritual impurity. And due to this the living zavin felt embarrassed. The Sages instituted that the utensils that had been used by all men must be immersed, due to the honor of the living zavin. Likewise, at first taking the dead out for burial was more difficult for the relatives than the actual death, because it was customary to bury the dead in expensive shrouds, which the poor could not afford. The problem grew to the point that relatives would sometimes abandon the corpse and run away. This lasted until Rabban Gamliel came and acted with frivolity, meaning that he waived his dignity, by leaving instructions that he be taken out for burial in linen garments. And the people adopted this practice after him and had themselves taken out for burial in linen garments. Rav Pappa said: And nowadays, everyone follows the practice of taking out the dead for burial even in plain hemp garments [tzerada] that cost only a dinar.

סוטה י״ד א:ד׳

אלא להלך אחר מדותיו של הקב"ה... הקב"ה ניחם אבלים דכתיב (בראשית כה, יא) ויהי אחרי מות אברהם ויברך אלהים את יצחק בנו אף אתה נחם אבלים הקב"ה קבר מתים דכתיב (דברים לד, ו) ויקבר אותו בגיא אף אתה קבור מתים...

Sotah 14a:4

One should follow the attributes of the Holy One, Blessed be God...

Just as the Holy One, Blessed be God, consoles mourners, as it is written: “And it came to pass after the death of Abraham, that God blessed Isaac his son” (Genesis 25:11), so too, should you console mourners. Just as the Holy One, Blessed be God, buried the dead, as it is written: “And he was buried in the valley in the land of Moab” (Deuteronomy 34:6), so too, should you bury the dead...

יורה דעה שע״ו:א׳

מנהג המנחמים ודין מת שאין לו מנחמים. ובו ד' סעיפים:
אין המנחמים רשאים לפתוח עד שיפתח האבל תחלה והאבל מיסב בראש וכיון שנענע האבל בראשו בענין שנראה שפוטר את המנחמים אינם רשאים לישב אצלו: (אין אבל או חולה חייבים לעמוד אפילו מפני נשיא): (פ' א"מ):

Shulchan Arukh, Yoreh De'ah 376:1

The comforters are not permitted to open [conversation] until the mourner opens first; and the mourner reclines at the head [of the mourner's meal];²M.K. ibid.; Ket. 69b. This refers to meals served in the house of mourning, and is derived from Job’s statement, ‘I chose out their way, and sat chief (head), and dwelt as a king in the army, as one comforteth the mourners’ (Job XXIX, 25). The last part of the verse, ‘as one comforteth the mourners’ is rendered as the Pu‘al ינוחם i.e., ‘one who is comforteth.’ This is in accord with R. Abbahu ibid. Mar Zutra derives this ruling from Amos VI, 7, which he interprets as, ‘he who is bitter (of soul) and distracted (through bereavement) is made the chief of those banqueting (i.e., the mourner must sit at the head of the meal).’ E. has, ‘and the revelry of them that stretched themselves shall pass away.’ and as soon as the mourner nods his head in a manner from which it is indicative that he dismisses the comforters,³So that they retire. they are not permitted to remain seated by him.⁴M.K. 27b in accord with R. Joḥanan. For the mourner is not permitted to bid them farewell with the word ‘Peace’ שלום — N in T.H. on the authority of Ghayyat. A mourner or a sick person are not required to rise even on account of a Nasi.⁵ Glos. M.K. III (27b) — G. For this is not considered rising that bestows honour — R. A. Eger. Kid. 32b.

מועד קטן כ״א ב:ד׳

תנו רבנן אבל ג' ימים הראשונים אסור בשאילת שלום משלשה ועד שבעה משיב ואינו שואל מכאן ואילך שואל ומשיב כדרכו

Moed Katan 21b:4

§ The Sages taught in yet another baraita: A mourner, during the first three days after his bereavement, is prohibited from extending greetings to others. From the third day to the seventh day, he may respond when other people address him, but he may not extend greetings to them. From this point forward, he may extend greetings and respond in his usual manner.”

ברכות ו׳ ב:י״ד

אָמַר רַב פָּפָּא: אַגְרָא דְבֵי טַמְיָא — שְׁתִיקוּתָא.

Berakhot 6b:14

Rav Pappa said: The primary reward for attending a house of mourning [bei tammaya] is for the silence, which is the optimal manner for those consoling the mourners to express their empathy.

מועד קטן כ״ח ב:כ״ג

א"ר יוחנן אין מנחמין רשאין לומר דבר עד שיפתח אבל שנאמר (איוב ג, א) אחרי כן פתח איוב את פיהו והדר ויען אליפז התימני

Moed Katan 28b:23

The Gemara returns to examining the halakhot of consolation. Rabbi Yoḥanan said: The consolers are not permitted to speak words of consolation until the mourner opens and speaks first. As it is stated: “And they sat down with him upon the ground for seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him; for they saw that his suffering was very great. After this Job opened his mouth” (Job 2:13–3:1). And afterward: “And Eliphaz the Temanite answered and said” (Job 4:1).

מועד קטן כ״א ב:א׳-כ׳

מצוה שאני ת"ר אבל ג' ימים הראשונים אסור במלאכה ואפילו עני המתפרנס מן הצדקה מכאן ואילך עושה בצינעא בתוך ביתו והאשה טווה בפלך בתוך ביתה ת"ר אבל ג' ימים הראשונים אינו הולך לבית האבל מכאן ואילך הולך ואינו יושב במקום המנחמין אלא במקום המתנחמין תנו רבנן אבל ג' ימים הראשונים אסור בשאילת שלום משלשה ועד שבעה משיב ואינו שואל מכאן ואילך שואל ומשיב כדרכו שלשה ימים הראשונים אסור בשאילת שלום והתניא מעשה ומתו בניו של ר"ע נכנסו כל ישראל והספידום הספד גדול בשעת פטירתן עמד ר"ע על ספסל גדול ואמר אחינו בית ישראל שמעו אפי' שני בנים חתנים מנוחם הוא בשביל כבוד שעשיתם ואם בשביל עקיבא באתם הרי כמה עקיבא בשוק אלא כך אמרתם (תהלים לז, לא) תורת אלהיו בלבו וכ"ש ששכרכם כפול לכו לבתיכם לשלום כבוד רבים שאני מג' ועד ז' משיב ואינו שואל מכאן ואילך שואל ומשיב כדרכו ורמינהו המוצא את חבירו אבל בתוך ל' יום מדבר עמו תנחומין ואינו שואל בשלומו לאחר ל' יום שואל בשלומו ואינו מדבר עמו תנחומין מתה אשתו ונשא אשה אחרת אינו רשאי ליכנס לביתו לדבר עמו תנחומין מצאו בשוק אומר לו בשפה רפה ובכובד ראש אמר רב אידי בר אבין הוא שואל בשלום אחרים שאחרים שרויין בשלום אחרים אין שואלין בשלומו שהוא אינו שרוי בשלום והא מדקתני משיב מכלל דשיילינן ליה דלא ידעי אי הכי התם נמי התם מודע להו ולא מהדר להו הכא לא צריך לאודועינהו ורמינהו המוצא את חברו אבל בתוך י"ב חדש מדבר עמו תנחומין ואינו שואל בשלומו לאחר י"ב חדש שואל בשלומו ואינו מדבר עמו תנחומין אבל מדבר עמו מן הצד א"ר מאיר המוצא את חברו אבל לאחר י"ב חדש ומדבר עמו תנחומין למה הוא דומה לאדם שנשברה רגלו וחיתה מצאו רופא ואמר לו כלך אצלי שאני שוברה וארפאנה כדי שתדע שסממנין שלי יפין לא קשיא הא באביו ואמו הא בשאר קרובים התם נמי ידבר עמו תנחומין מן הצד אין ה"נ ומאי אינו מדבר עמו תנחומין כדרכו אבל מדבר עמו מן הצד ת"ר אבל ג' ימים הראשונים בא ממקום קרוב מונה עמהן בא ממקום רחוק מונה לעצמו מכאן ואילך אפי' בא ממקום קרוב מונה לעצמו ר"ש אומר אפי' בא ביום השביעי ממקום קרוב מונה עמהן אמר מר ג' ימים הראשונים בא ממקום קרוב מונה עמהן א"ר חייא בר אבא א"ר יוחנן והוא שיש גדול הבית בבית איבעיא להו

Moed Katan 21b:1-20

The Gemara answers: A mitzva is different, and since it is a mitzva to put on phylacteries, the mourner is required to do so, even during the first three days. § The Sages taught the following baraita: During the first three days after his bereavement, a mourner is prohibited from working, even if he is a poor person who is supported by charity. From this point forward, he may do work privately in his own home if he needs to do so. And similarly a woman may spin thread on a spindle in her own home when she is mourning. The Sages taught in another baraita: A mourner during the first three days after his bereavement may not go to another mourner’s house to console him. From this point forward, he may go, but he may not sit among the consolers, but rather in the place of those being consoled, i.e., with the mourners in that house. § The Sages taught in yet another baraita: A mourner, during the first three days after his bereavement, is prohibited from extending greetings to others. From the third day to the seventh day, he may respond when other people address him, but he may not extend greetings to them. From this point forward, he may extend greetings and respond in his usual manner.” The Gemara asks: Is he really prohibited from extending greetings during the first three days of mourning? But isn’t it taught in a baraita: There was an incident and the sons of Rabbi Akiva died, and all the Jews entered to eulogize them with a great eulogy. When they were about to take leave, Rabbi Akiva stood on a large bench and said: Our brothers, the house of Israel, listen! Even had my two sons been bridegrooms, I would have been consoled on account of the honor you have shown them. If you came to console for the sake of Akiva, there are many Akivas in the marketplace whom the Jews do all not come to console. Rather, certainly this is what you said to yourselves: “The Torah of his God is in his heart” (Psalms 37:31), and you wished to show your respect for the Torah. All the more so is your reward doubled, for you have consoled mourners and shown respect for the Torah. Return now to your homes in peace. This indicates that a mourner may greet other people even on the first day of his mourning. The Gemara answers: Showing respect for the public is different. Rabbi Akiva was permitted to greet them to demonstrate courtesy and respect. § It was taught in the aforementioned baraita: From the third day to the seventh day, he may respond when other people address him, but he may not extend greetings to them. From this point forward, he may extend greetings and respond in his usual manner. And the Gemara raises a contradiction from another baraita that states: One who finds another in mourning during the first thirty days of that person’s bereavement may still speak words of consolation to him, but he should not extend greetings toward him. If he finds him after thirty days, he may extend greetings toward him, but he should not speak words of consolation to him, so as not to remind him of his pain. If it was the mourner’s wife who died and he married another woman within thirty days of his first wife’s death, one may not enter his house to speak words of consolation with him, so as not to offend his new wife. If, however, he finds him alone in the marketplace, he may speak to him with gentle words and in a serious manner. This indicates that the prohibition against extending greetings lasts for thirty days and not just seven. Rav Idi bar Avin said: The two baraitot refer to different situations: The first baraita is referring to the mourner himself, who may extend greetings [shalom] to others after the completion of his seven days of mourning, as the others are at peace [shalom]. The second baraita, which speaks of a prohibition that lasts thirty days, is referring to other people, who may not extend greetings to him, as he, the mourner, is not at peace. The Gemara challenges: But from the fact that it teaches in a baraita that after the third day of his bereavement, the mourner may respond when other people address him, by inference others may extend greetings to him. The Gemara answers: This is referring to a case where people did not know that he was in mourning and unknowingly extended greetings to him. The Gemara asks: If so, if the baraita speaks of a case where the people who greeted him were unaware that he was in mourning, then there also, during the first three days of his bereavement, he should be permitted to respond when other people address him. The Gemara answers: There, during the first three days, he must inform them that he is in mourning and not respond to their greetings. Here, after the first three days, he need not inform them about his bereavement, but rather he may respond to their greetings. And the Gemara raises a contradiction from another baraita that states: One who finds another in mourning during his twelve months of bereavement may still speak words of consolation to him, but he should not extend greetings toward him. If he finds him after twelve months, he may extend greetings toward him, and he should not speak words of consolation to him. He may, however, speak to him indirectly, i.e., he may say to him: May you be consoled, without mentioning the name of the deceased. Rabbi Meir said: One who finds another in mourning after twelve months and speaks to him words of consolation, to what may this situation be likened? To a person who broke his leg and it healed, and afterward a physician found him and said to him: Come to me, for I will break it a second time and then I will heal it, so that you may know how good my medicines are and how well they work. One who consoles his friend after so much time has passed acts in a similar fashion, stirring up an old wound and then trying to heal it. In any event, it appears that one must not extend greetings to a mourner during the entire twelve-month mourning period. The Gemara answers: This is not difficult. This baraita, which says that one must not extend greetings to a mourner for twelve months, is referring to one who lost his father or mother. That baraita, which teaches that a mourner may be greeted after seven days, is referring to one who is in mourning over other relatives. The Gemara asks: There too, in the case of other relatives after thirty days, let him speak words of consolation to him indirectly. Why does the baraita say that after thirty days he should not speak words of consolation to him at all? The Gemara answers: Yes, it is indeed so. And what is meant by the words: He should not speak words of consolation to him? This means that he may not console him in his usual manner, but he may speak to him indirectly. § The Sages taught the following baraita: If a mourner comes to the house of mourning from a nearby place during the first three days of mourning, he counts his days of mourning with the other mourners from the time of the burial and completes his mourning with them. This is the case even if he may end up observing mourning for only five or six days. But if he came from a distant place, he counts on his own seven complete days from the time that he was informed of his relative’s death. From this point forward, i.e., after the first three days of mourning, even if he came from a nearby place, he counts seven days on his own. Rabbi Shimon says: Even if he came on the seventh day from a nearby place, he counts and completes the seven-day period of mourning with the other mourners. The Master said, citing the baraita: If a mourner comes to the house of mourning from a nearby place during the first three days of mourning, he counts his days of mourning with the other mourners and completes his mourning with them. Rabbi Ḥiyya bar Abba said that Rabbi Yoḥanan said: This is in a case where the principal member of the household is in the house, and therefore all the other family members follow his mourning. If, however, it is the principal member of the family who comes home, he certainly does not follow the other members, but rather he counts seven days on his own. A dilemma was raised before the scholars:

When Not to Offer Comfort

משנה אבות ד׳:י״ח

(יח) רבי שמעון בן אלעזר אומר...ואל תנחמנו בשעה שמתו מטל לפניו...

Pirkei Avot 4:18

Rabbi Shimon the son of Elazar says: ...Do not comfort them when their dead lie before them...

The Beginning of Mourning

יורה דעה שע״ה:א׳

(א) מֵאֵימָתַי חָל הָאֲבֵלוּת, מִשֶּׁנִּקְבַּר וְנִגְמַר סְתִימַת הַקֶּבֶר בְּעָפָר, מִיָּד מַתְחִיל הָאֲבֵלוּת...

Shulchan Arukh, Yoreh De'ah 375:1

From when does the period of mourning begin? From when the dead is buried and the filling of the grave with earth is finished, immediately the period of mourning begins...

When to Speak to a Mourner

יורה דעה שע״ו:א׳

(א) אֵין הַמְנַחֲמִים רַשָּׁאִים לִפְתֹּחַ, עַד שֶׁיִּפְתַּח הָאָבֵל תְּחִלָה.

Shulchan Arukh, Yoreh De'ah 376:1

The comforters are not permitted to begin a conversation [with mourners], until the mourners begins one first.

ויקרא כ״ג:ל״ו

שִׁבְעַ֣ת יָמִ֔ים תַּקְרִ֥יבוּ אִשֶּׁ֖ה לַיהוָ֑ה בַּיּ֣וֹם הַשְּׁמִינִ֡י מִקְרָא־קֹדֶשׁ֩ יִהְיֶ֨ה לָכֶ֜ם וְהִקְרַבְתֶּ֨ם אִשֶּׁ֤ה לַֽיהוָה֙ עֲצֶ֣רֶת הִ֔וא כָּל־מְלֶ֥אכֶת עֲבֹדָ֖ה לֹ֥א תַעֲשֽׂוּ׃

Leviticus 23:36

seven days you shall bring offerings by fire to the LORD. On the eighth day you shall observe a sacred occasion and bring an offering by fire to the LORD; it is a solemn gathering: you shall not work at your occupations.