ראובן: A Hidden Hero

נר חיים by Mr. Chaim Kohanchi, pages 348-349

But Rachel knew that her father's crookedness was not the only issue; it was also the custom of the city that the older sister marries first. What a terrible humiliation this would be for Leah! People would even think that there was something wrong with her; perhaps, then, she would never marry anyone. Rachel could not do this to her sister.

Equally, though, she could not tell Yaakov what to do and what not to do. Things would have to happen the way he had planned them. What should she do? Rachel wondered.

As the wedding day came close she made up her mind. She spoke to her sister. What we must ask is, what exactly did she tell Leah? If she gave Leah the whole story, then it would now seem that Leah was a horrible person, accusing Rachel of "taking her husband away" when all in all she had done her a favor.

R. Shalom Shwadron says that this is what happened: Rachel did not have the heart to tell her sister that she was rejected by Yaakov and that she would be sneaked under the chuppah as merely another one of their father's swindles. So, in order to save Leah's dignity, she came up with a plan. She told Leah that she wants her to know about certain things that Yaakov holds dear, things that he likes to hear about all the time; certain signs about the mitzvot that are really important to him. Knowing them would promote shalom bayit between the new couple. She told Leah, "It's important for you to know the three crucial mitzvot of a Jewish woman: חלה, נדה, והדלקת נרות."

So Leah went under the chuppah with a husband who, she thought, had worked seven years for her hand. that night when Yaakov asked her, "What are the three important things a wife needs to know?" Leah knew the answer and innocently gave it in order to show her new husband how she was adopting his values. She never knew that these were the signs Yaakov had set up to prevent a swindle.

Aside from this Leah knew nothing at all about the situation. Seeing her husband- a quiet and reserved man- treating her unfailingly with respect and courtesy, and having no idea how Yaakov really felt and what he had originally planned, Leah looked at Rachel as competition. As for the "lesson in halachah," Leah was mildly grateful for it but did not know what a tremendous favor her sister had done her.

And now Rachel is faced with an undeserved accusation from her sister. How must she take it? If she defends herself she will inevitably cause her sister terrible pain when she realizes how wrongly she has seen things all along. This, Rachel saw, would wipe out the mitzvah for which she had given so much. There was only one course of action for her: continue sparing her sister's feelings at the expense of her own.

נר חיים by Mr. Chaim Kohanchi, pages 349-351

The Torah tells us that it was Reuven who brought the duda'im. If this story is about the relationship between Rachel and Leah, then why doe sthe Torah mention which son went to collect them? Was he present for the confrontation between the two sisters?

Another point to consider is that in this whole story once the Torah calls him "Reuven" and all the other time he is just "her son." Why this peculiar phrasing? To answer the question we must learn something about who Reuven was and what his motivations were.

Even after Leah had had four children, the relationship between her and Reuven remained remarkably close. Consider: after successfully bearing so many children, anyone would think that Leah had no need of דודאים, but Reuven went out in their season and brought his mother some. Why? Because he was concerned for her honor. Reuven knew that if Leah bore one more son she would be the mother of the majority of the שבטים. So he thought he would help her become fertile one more time, and then her position as the chief wife of the family would be forever secure. Few sons would be so considerate of their mother, and this is why Reuven is repeatedly called "her son" in this account. He was preeminently Leah's son.

When Leah and Rachel had their conversation, Reuven was still nearby, and he overheard just enough of the sister's exchange to think his mother was being victimized. She was the first wife, after all, and now here she is being stepped on by Rachel- so it seems to him. His mother seems to be saying that right at the beginning Rachel did her a wrong, and his father did not protect her, and she became the second wife instead of the first. He hears Rachel appearing to admit that all this is true. He also concludes that his mother is exploited by all, and the proof is that Rachel thinks she can have some of the duda'im just for the asking. Everyone pushes his mother around, he concludes, and his father does no tprotect her. Reuven decided that when he was grown it would be his job to protect his mother.

נר חיים by Mr. Chaim Kohanchi, pages 351-352

How could it be that Reuven went and slept with Bilhah, and then the very next pasuk says that he was still Yaakov's son? We don't see that Yaakov chastised him at all, yet Noach cursed Cham after a similar incident. Why did Yaakov not react? And an even better question, how could Reuven have done such a thing?

If we find it hard to believe that Reuven did this, Chazal agree with us: they demonstrate that Reuven did not actually do this awful thing. The Midrash says that Reuven did nothing more than move his father's bed from Bilhah's tent to Leah's. This too was a sin, for Reuven came between husband and wife. He interfered with his father's right to conduct his married life as he wanted, and disregarded the Torah's teaching that total privacy within a marital relationship is the prerequisite to holiness.

[...]

When, after Rachel's death, Yaakov moved Bilhah's bed into his tent, Reuven was outraged. "if my mother's sister was her rival, shall my mother's sister's maidservant also be her rival?" And he moved his mother's bed into his father's tent.

We see that Reuven misunderstood things. He had come away with the impression that Leah was a victim, and the thought built up inside him over the years. As long as Rachel was alive the competition was between the sisters, so Reuven felt that his mother was able to deal with it, but with Rachel's death the dynamic changed. Eventually Reuven made up in his mind that he would not stand for it any more: he would act to secure respect for his mother, no matter what. He would do whatever it took to protect his mother, even if it meant steppint outside of all bounds, including moving the beds in his father's private tent.

נר חיים by Mr. Chaim Kohanchi, page 352

In this story of Reuven and the duda'im the Torah is giving us a wide window of understanding for this kind of situation. When two people are fighting, they must not do it in front of the children. This is even more urgent when the fight is between husband and wife, because the way chidlren see things is very different from the way adults see. We may know that it is just a passing thing, but children see a huge disaster looming. They are frightened and resentful and start right away judging their parents "for ruining everything." This feeling may well stay with them for many years afterwards, and they will treat their parents accordingly, as we see with Reuven.

Unfortunately, as so often happens with children, although he grew older Reuven never reviewed his opinion in the light of mature reason. He remained "Leah's son" in his thinking. The black-and-white picture grew stronger and stronger in his mind: "Mommy is a victim, Auntie Rachel is an abuser," until as he grew into manhood Reuven was consumed with the need to become his mother's protector and the guardian of her honor.