Mourning in the Evening, Song in the Morning

Baruch Atah Ado-nai Elo-henu Melech Ha'olam, asher kidshanu be'mitzvotav vetizivanu, la'asok b'divrey Torah.

Blessings to You, Ado-nai Our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who made us holy with the mitzvoth and instructed us to study Torah.

Studying about mourning is meant to give us comfort in the way God and community work hand in hand to support us through the transition from this world to the next, olam hazeh to olam ha'ba.

Upon death, or hearing the news of death**, we say:

Baruch Atah Ado-nai Elo-henu Melech Ha'olam Dayan Ha'emet.

Blessings to You, Ado-nai Our God, Sovereign of the Universe, the True Judge.

*Death is a loss, a trauma, that can shake us to the core, unmoor us from our lives as we know them. At this moment of vulnerability, a moment of transition, we reaffirm our faith in God as the One who is the Source of Life, the only One who ultimately determines when life begins and ends. We affirm in this way we live in God's world, that we are human, and mortal.

**On hearing the news of a death, we do not recite the full blessing, just Baruch Dayan Ha'emet.

What is the reason we tear clothing? What role might kriah play in the mourning process?

Burial - Kevurah (Part 1)

• In order to facilitate the beginning of mourning (the process of grieving and healing after death), the Rabbis wanted to prevent halanat ha'met, delaying burial, literally 'the waiting of the deceased'.
• Many traditional communities still attempt to bury on the same day as the person died, but it is more common to bury the next day (or at the soonest moment when all mourners can be present).

Funeral Service - Levayah

• Let's begin with the situation that the funeral is held at a funeral parlor or synagogue -- The coffin (aron) is placed usually toward the front of the space, usually with a ceremonial cloth draped over it - the cloth often bears the name of the Hevra Qadisha that prepared the body for burial.
• Flowers are by custom not a part of Jewish funeral services nor is an open casket.
• There is no fixed order or content for a funeral service - tradition suggests: Opening with psalms, words of comfort from these Biblical poems that span the range of human emotion, continuing with Hesped (eulogies), concluding with E-L Malei Rachamim, the memorial prayer.
• Technically speaking, there is not a Hesped/Eulogy on a day when we do not recite the Tachanun, supplication prayer - e.g. Middle days of 7 day festivals, other holidays like Chanukah, Purim - but it is customary for officiants to offer a teaching in memory of the deceased that ends up functioning like a eulogy.
• The family by custom follows the coffin out of the room, and also, by custom, the officiant reads Psalm 23 "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death", as the coffin exits to the hearse.

At the Cemetery - Kevurah (Burial), Part 2

• There is a tradition that the pallbearers stop 7 times on the way from the hearse to the gravesite while the officiant recites Psalm 91, a poem that speaks of God's eternal protection. 7 stops remind us of the 7 times the word 'vanity' occurs in Ecclesisastes, and also "7 stages of Life"

• Some officiants lower the coffin immediately and others keep the coffin on the ropes that hold it until the end of the graveside service.
• If the service was held at the synagogue, typically the coffin is lowered immediately.
• Traditionally, the burial was done next, but most often in current practice the service (or the graveside prayers if the full service was done elsewhere) are recited prior to covering the coffin with earth.
• The prayer tziduk ha'din (righteousness of God's judgment) is often recited at this time. Tziduk Hadin recalls Baruch Dayan Ha'emet that was recited at the time of death. A psalm may be recited at this time as well.

• The minimum requirement for burial is to cover the coffin so that it's not visible. Some families choose to fill in the grave completely in keeping with the teaching in the Shulchan Aruch.
• The custom is for everyone who is present at the service to participate in the burial. However, one participant places the shovel back into the earth and the next person takes up the shovel so that each person can complete the mitzvah on his/her own.
• The mourners then walk between two rows of those present to offer their words of comfort since shivah begins immediately on the closing of the grave.

• On leaving the cemetery, it is customary to wash hands (without a blessing) to purify the hands after being in a place of death. More typically today mourners wash hands just outside the home prior to going inside to sit for shivah.

Shivah

• Shivah is typically observed at the home of the deceased, but can be held anywhere it is convenient.
• Traditionally a meal called seudat hav-ra-ah, the meal of condolence, was served on returning.
• We have a custom of covering mirrors - it is not a requirement, but a strong custom. There are several explanations for why we cover mirrors - For example, the mourning period is a time to focus inward and not to be concerned with our appearance, and also since we pray in the house of mourning we must avoid the possibility of seeing reflected images in the mirror.
• In ancient times, a mourner sat on an overturned mattress or the ground, now, for comfort mourners sit on a low chair (if they're able). Sitting is not required - the mourners may stand and walk.
• The expectation is that the community 'hosts' the mourners in the shivah house rather than the mourners host the community. Traditionally, mourners sit and only those who come to comfort them initiate conversation with the mourners.
• As on Yom Kippur, there is a custom for mourners to not wear leather shoes.
• Some families choose to sit for 3 days instead of 7 - the first three days of mourning are considered the most intense.
• The last day of shivah is not a full day - The custom is that after a short time that day, the mourners take a walk outside. This walk represents the reversal of going into the shivah house after the burial
• Sheloshim - meaning 'thirty [days]' begins on the day of burial - only a few of the restrictions for mourners on shivah continue through the sheloshim month -- traditionally: haircutting and other personal care, getting married, attending parties. The period after shivah and through the 30 day period is the first transition from more intense morning into a less intense period of mourning as mourners adjust to life without the beloved family member even as they begin to reconnect with the world, work, and routines.
• The first year - The year long mourning observance is performed only for parents. For other relatives, mourning ends after 30 days. While the year rituals continue for 12 months starting from the date of burial, we only recite kaddish for 11 months for a parent.

On reciting the Kaddish:

• Mourners recite Kaddish for 30 days for spouse, sibling, child but for the year for a parent
• Kaddish is nominally recited for a full 12 months since "the deceased is considered to be under Divine judgment for that period...However, a full year is considered to be the duration of judgment for the wicked...[and] we presume that our parents do not fall into this category..." And so we recite Kaddish for 11 months (12 months minus one month and one day).(Lamm p. 155)

Yizkor ("memorial) - a memorial service held on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, and the last days of Passover and Shavuot.

A mourner may recite Yizkor at the first festival opportunity that occurs after the death. This is in contrast to a commonly held belief that we only begin to recite Yizkor in the year after the death.

• Creating a monument is an ancient practice to honor the deceased, mark the burial place, and serve as a place to return to pray and show reverence.
• A monument may be placed immediately after shiva, but there is a custom of waiting, especially in the case of a parent, for the full year.
• The unveiling ceremony is the dedication of the monument. There is no prescribed service for an unveiling, but it typically includes similar elements to the funeral/burial service including psalms, sharing memories, and reciting kaddish.
• There is a longstanding custom of placing stones on the monument to mark that family and friends made a visit. The custom reflects that ancient gravesites often were marked with piles of stones.
• Yahrtzeit ('Time of Year') marks the anniversary of the death in the Hebrew calendar. Lighting a candle is a longstanding tradition for yahrzeit.

Guiding Themes of Jewish Mourning Rituals & Customs:

• Reverence for life & respect for the body & soul of the deceased
• Helping mourners to confront the finality of death while also comforting them
• Ensuring the community proactively comes in to support the mourner(s) and his/her/their family