Icebreaker:
Opening:
The Jewish High Holidays are coming up, which means a lot of reflection on the past year's deeds and misdeeds, targets hit on the bullseye and targets missed. It's easy to find ourselves focusing on the negative things we've done - after all, there are a whole 10 days to ask for forgiveness, and then some - and as a result, to feel a bit hopeless. "Didn't I make this same exact goal the year before last, and the one before that? Will I ever get there?"
This season is one I feel most demands the learning we will be doing today, and I hope that our time together will help counteract the ways we can be harsh towards ourselves, and ultimately help us be kind to ourselves so we can be kind to others with full authenticity.
Let's open up with a prompt, and we're just going to jump right in:
-When you hear the word "compassion," what or who comes to mind?
-As residents or hosts, when do you find yourself needing to step in and show compassion for your friends, family, or community?
Group Discussion (10-15 min)
Compassion: The Way to Imitate the Divine
Q: The story of a word - both in Hebrew and English - oftentimes teaches us what the essence of a word is meant to achieve. For example, the word Respect. Now, what about the word "Compassion?" What's the etymology/origin? What about in Hebrew?
Etymology of Compassion: com "with, together" (see com-) + pati "to suffer" (see passion); to suffer together
Rachamim רחמים: Hebrew for "compassion" but also connected to the word for "womb."
Before looking at how we as humans can be compassionate, it's worth taking a peek at how the Jewish tradition sees the original source of compassion, the Divine.
וַיַּעֲבֹ֨ר יי ׀ עַל־פָּנָיו֮ וַיִּקְרָא֒ יי ׀ יי אֵ֥ל רַח֖וּם וְחַנּ֑וּן אֶ֥רֶךְ אַפַּ֖יִם וְרַב־חֶ֥סֶד וֶאֱמֶֽת
The LORD passed before him and proclaimed: “The LORD! the LORD! a God compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in kindness and faithfulness.
I find it interesting that God's primary attributes here (the first in a longer list) don't allude to physical strength or manifestations of strict justice, but rather compassion, grace, kindness, and loyalty. Why do you think this might be the case? Why not describe God as this all powerful, angry, vengeful God who we ought to stay in line for? I'd like to suggest it's because we are supposed to be in relationship with God, and one can't be in healthy, authentic relationship with that kind of figure. Jewish sources echo the possibility of such a close relationship through the principle of Imitatio Dei:
הודוּ ליי כִּי טוב כִּי לְעולָם חַסְדּו...:
שֶׁבְּשִׁפְלֵנוּ זָכַר לָנוּ כִּי לְעולָם חַסְדּו:
וַיִּפְרְקֵנוּ מִצָּרֵינוּ כִּי לְעולָם חַסְדּו:
נותֵן לֶחֶם לְכָל בָּשר כִּי לְעולָם חַסְדּו:
Thank God for she is good - her kindness endures forever...
For in our lowly states, she remembered us - her kindness endures forever.
And she removed from us our pains - her kindness endures forever.
Giving bread to all flesh and blood - her kindness endures forever.
What is the source for the requirement of: “This is my God and I will glorify Him”?...Abba Shaul says: Ve’anveihu should be interpreted as if it were written in two words: Ani ve-Hu, me and Him [God]. Be similar, as it were, to Him, the Almighty: Just as God is compassionate and merciful, so too should you be compassionate and merciful.
We see here that we, mere flesh and blood, can actually be *like* God. God may get angry, vengeful, and the like, but those are not traits we are taught to emulate. We are taught to be like God insofar as God is compassionate and merciful. And doing so creates a relationship of God AND Us. Ani ve-Hu. There's a commonly cited source that helps explain how being like God can bridge the perceived gap between us:
These show several examples of how we can practically be compassionate towards others, as well as the theological significance of being compassionate. But how about receiving compassion? It's easy to talk about helping others, but what about accepting help? And accepting help from ourselves, and giving help to ourselves? This is where we get into the idea of Jewish Self-Compassion, and as we study this, let's think about times in our own lives we can use a bit of self-compassion, as well as opportunities we might find to lead our very own sessions on this important topic.
Jewish Self-Compassion 101
Rabbi Jill Zimmerman, "Lovingkindness Practice for Self & Others"
In terms of self-compassion, many of us find it far easier to be loving and kind to others than to our own selves. We have a self-critical commentary running in the background of our thoughts throughout the day: “I shouldn’t have said that…I messed up…Will I ever learn….”
Having this kind of negative self-talk wears on own hearts and souls. Additionally, self-criticism “impacts our bodies by stimulating inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerate aging” says Dr. Richard Davidson in a recent New York Times article.
https://ravjill.com/lovingkindness-practice/
https://ravjill.com/lovingkindness-chesed-practices-and-resources/
Rabbi Bin Goldman, PsyD, "The Other Chesed: Teaching Our Children Self-Compassion"
Having compassion for yourself is pretty much the same as having compassion for someone else. To have compassion means that you notice that a person is suffering, and not turn away. It also means that you let yourself be moved by the person’s suffering to feel warmth and caring—instead of pity or judgment—and the desire to help. Having self-compassion means acting that way toward yourself when you are having a hard time, or if you mess up or notice something about yourself that you don’t like. It means, instead of telling yourself to “deal with it” or “be strong,” acknowledging that things are hard. It means, instead of harshly blaming or criticizing yourself, you can recognize that you are imperfect just like everyone else, and that it’s just as acceptable for you to be that way as it is for them.
https://www.jewishlinknj.com/monthly-sections/family-link/10149-the-other-chesed-teaching-our-children-self-compassion
Chevruta Text Study - 20-25 minutes, select pairs will study 1 of the 3 topics, and time-permitting, move onto the others
Al Shelosha Devarim: The World (of Self-Compassion) Stands on Three Things...
1. Self-Kindness (vs. Self-Judgement) // "Nedivut Atzmit" - Alleviating Negative Self-Talk
"...being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism...recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so...be gentle when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals."
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
When do you find yourself either ignoring your pain or flagellating yourself with self-criticism? What are some recent incidents this where this has happened and how did you beat yourself up?
If this was a dear friend in your shoes, what would you say to them? Are there other things you might do to support them? Gentle, loving touch, for example?
(ו) יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה וְנִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִי קִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם. יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:
(6) Yehoshua ben Perachiah and Nitai of Arbel received from them. Yehoshua ben Perachia says, "Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious."
How you interpret the idea of "judging every person as meritorious?"
Do you think it's easier to judge others in this way, or oneself?
What would it look or sound like to judge yourself in this way? What are the costs/benefits?
דַּע, כִּי צָרִיךְ לָדוּן אֶת כָּל אָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת, וַאֲפִלּוּ מִי שֶׁהוּא רָשָׁע גָּמוּר, צָרִיךְ לְחַפֵּשׂ וְלִמְצֹא בּוֹ אֵיזֶה מְעַט טוֹב, שֶׁבְּאוֹתוֹ הַמְּעַט אֵינוֹ רָשָׁע, וְעַל יְדֵי זֶה שֶׁמּוֹצֵא בּוֹ מְעַט טוֹב, וְדָן אוֹתוֹ לְכַף זְכוּת, עַל־יְדֵי־זֶה מַעֲלֶה אוֹתוֹ בֶּאֱמֶת לְכַף זְכוּת, וְיוּכַל לַהֲשִׁיבוֹ בִּתְשׁוּבָה...שֶׁצָּרִיךְ אַתָּה לְבַקֵּשׁ בּוֹ עוֹד מְעַט טוֹב, שֶׁיֵּשׁ בּוֹ עֲדַיִן, שֶׁשָּׁם אֵינוֹ רָשָׁע...
Know, a person must judge everyone favorably (Pirkei Avot 1:6, above). Even someone who is completely wicked, it is necessary to search and find in them some modicum of good; that in that little bit they are not wicked. And by finding in them a modicum of good and judging them favorably, one genuinely elevates them to the scale of merit and can bring them to repent/return...You must seek the “yet a little bit” of good that they still have within them, because in that place they are not wicked...
(ג) כִּי צָרִיךְ הָאָדָם לְחַפֵּשׂ וּלְבַקֵּשׁ לִמְצֹא בְּעַצְמוֹ אֵיזֶה מְעַט טוֹב, כְּדֵי לְהַחֲיוֹת אֶת עַצְמוֹ, וְלָבוֹא לִידֵי שִׂמְחָה כַּנַּ"ל
...A person has to judge themselves favorably and find in themselves some remaining good point, in order to give themselves the strength to avoid falling completely, God forbid. On the contrary, they will revive themselves and bring joy to their souls with the little bit of good they find in themselves.
Do you agree with Rabbi Nachman here that judging yourself favorably would actually bring about joy?
Rabbi Nachman has a concept called Hitbodedut (to be alone with oneself), in which someone goes out alone and speaks out loud to the Divine. What would it look or feel like to verbalize self-compassion?
(א) וְדַע, שֶׁמִּי שֶׁיָּכוֹל לַעֲשׂוֹת אֵלּוּ הַנִּגּוּנִים, דְּהַיְנוּ לְלַקֵּט הַנְּקֻדּוֹת טוֹבוֹת שֶׁנִּמְצָא בְּכָל אֶחָד מִיִּשְׂרָאֵל, אֲפִלּוּ בְּהַפּוֹשְׁעֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל כַּנַּ"ל, הוּא יָכוֹל לְהִתְפַּלֵּל לִפְנֵי הָעַמּוּד...
(1) 3. Know, too, that someone who is capable of making these melodies—i.e., gathering the good points that are to be found in each person, as explained above—they can lead the communal prayers.
How do you think being compassionate to others - and to ourselves - might empower us to be better community leaders?
Here we see Jewish sources that support the value of treating ourselves with kindness, giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt, just as we're expected to do with others. Furthermore, we see that this is a trait required of a community leader/representative - one who represents, at least, the positive elements of her constituency.
2. Common Humanity (vs. Isolation) // "Tzelem Elokim" & "Enoshiyut"
"...self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone."
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
Do you ever feel like what you are going through is unprecendented/unique to you?
How do you feel when someone tells you that they are experiencing something similar? Is it comforting or aggravating?
What helps you feel like you are not going through something alone?
So God created Mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
How do you interpret being "created in the image of God?"
What do you think the goal of this idea is, and how can it help guide us in how we treat others and ourselves?
(18) You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your countrymen. Love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.
What do you think it means to love one's neighbor as oneself? Does this feel like a fair or realistic ask?
What is primary here, loving oneself or loving one's neighbor?
What is the connection between this commandment and the last part, "I am the Lord?" How does it help justify the commandment?
Can you apply all three of these cited directives to yourself (not taking vengeance, bearing a grudge, loving self), more than just your neighbor?
Quotes from Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW
Contemporary researcher and author on shame and vulnerability
"A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick."
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
“Numb the dark and you numb the light.”
“Spirituality emerged as a fundamental guidepost in Wholeheartedness. Not religiosity but the deeply held belief that we are inextricably connected to one another by a force greater than ourselves--a force grounded in love and compassion. For some of us that's God, for others it's nature, art, or even human soulfulness. I believe that owning our worthiness is the act of acknowledging that we are sacred. Perhaps embracing vulnerability and overcoming numbing is ultimately about the care and feeding of our spirits.”
“I believe that owning our worthiness is the act of acknowledging that we are sacred. Perhaps embracing vulnerability and overcoming numbing is ultimately about the care and feeding of our spirits.”
3. Mindfulness (vs. Over-Identification) // "Kavana" - Recognizing Suffering and Our Needs
"...willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them."
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
Do you find it more helpful or cathartic to ignore or suppress your negative thoughts or to concentrate on them?
What are some of the costs and benefits to either ignoring or addressing these anxieties or negative thoughts?
Concentration of the mind (Kavanat HaLev) —how is this condition [to be fulfilled?] Any prayer uttered without mental concentration is not prayer. If a service has been recited without such concentration, it must be recited again devoutly. A person finds that their thoughts are confused and their mind is distracted: They may not pray till they have recovered their mental composure. Hence, on returning from a journey or if one is weary or distressed, it is forbidden to pray till their mind is composed. The sages said that one should wait three days till they are rested and their mind is calm, and then they recites the prayers.
And the Lord God called to the man, and He said to him: "Where are You?."
This scene takes place after Adam and Eve eat the forbidden fruit, realize they are naked and feel embarrassed about it, and hide. God then asks "Where are you?" What might this teach us about mindfulness and when we are called to practice it? Does "Where are you?" feel like a good question to ask yourself when you are in a situation that calls for self-compassion?
Hineini - Hebrew for "Here I am" - typically indicates one humbly standing up when called to pay attention and act with one's full presence, no matter how difficult the task ahead or towering the figure calling .
What Hineini moments of being called to be present can you recall in your own life as of late?
The Four Kavana Questions to ask oneself as a step to arriving at self-compassion:
-
What am I observing?
-
What am I feeling?
-
What am I needing right now?
-
Do I have a request of myself or someone else?
Self-Compassion Meditations
“Lashon hara oif zich, tor men nisht zogen” - A Yiddish saying meaning that "one should not speak lashon hara (evil speech) about themselves
הרב קוק, עין אי״ה, מסכת מעשר שני פרק ז משנה י
…על כן, כשם שיש תועלת גדולה לתיקון הנפש בוידוי העוונות… גם כן בוידוי המצוות, למען ישמח בהם בלבבו, ויחזק ארחות חייו בדרך ה׳.
Rav Avraham Itzḥak Kook, Ayn Aya, Tractate Maaser Sheni, Chapter 7, Mishna 10
Therefore, just as there is great value to the confession of sins… there is also great value to the confession of mitzvot (our positive deeds), which gladdens the heart and strengthens the holy paths of life!
Find original meditation here: https://chrisgermer.com/meditations/
Find original meditation here: https://chrisgermer.com/meditations/
Find original meditation here: https://chrisgermer.com/meditations/