Projection

כִּ֠י לֹֽא־דָבָ֨ר רֵ֥ק הוּא֙ מִכֶּ֔ם כִּי־ה֖וּא חַיֵּיכֶ֑ם וּבַדָּבָ֣ר הַזֶּ֗ה תַּאֲרִ֤יכוּ יָמִים֙ עַל־הָ֣אֲדָמָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֨ר אַתֶּ֜ם עֹבְרִ֧ים אֶת־הַיַּרְדֵּ֛ן שָׁ֖מָּה לְרִשְׁתָּֽהּ׃

Deuteronomy 32:47

(47) For this is not a trifling thing for you: it is your very life; through it you shall long endure on the land that you are to possess upon crossing the Jordan.

אמרו חכמים בתלמוד הירושלמי (פאה פ"א ה"א): "אמר רב מנא: 'כי לא דבר ריק הוא', ואם ריק הוא – 'מכם' הוא,

דברים י׳:י״ט

וַאֲהַבְתֶּ֖ם אֶת־הַגֵּ֑ר כִּֽי־גֵרִ֥ים הֱיִיתֶ֖ם בְּאֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם׃

Deuteronomy 10:19

(19) You too must befriend the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.

רש"י על דברים י׳:י״ט:א׳

כי גרים הייתם. מוּם שֶׁבְּךָ אַל תֹּאמַר לַחֲבֵרְךָ (בבא מציעא נ"ט):

Rashi on Deuteronomy 10:19:1

(1) כי גרים הייתם [LOVE THE STRANGER] FOR YOU WERE STRANGERS — Do not reproach thy fellow man for a fault which is also yours (cf. Rashi on Exodus 22:20; Bava Metzia 59b).

בבא בתרא ס׳ ב:ג׳

מעיקרא מאי סבר ולבסוף מאי סבר מעיקרא סבר ניחא להו לבני רה"ר דיתבי בטוליה כיון דחזא דקא מעכבי שדר קצייה ולימא ליה זיל קוץ דידך והדר אקוץ דידי משום דריש לקיש דאמר (צפניה ב, א) התקוששו וקושו קשוט עצמך ואח"כ קשוט אחרים:

Bava Batra 60b:3

The Gemara asks: At the outset what did Rabbi Yannai hold, and ultimately, what did he hold? The Gemara replies: At the outset, he held that the general public is amenable to having the tree there, as they sit in its shade. Once he saw that they were preventing someone else who owned a tree from keeping his, he understood that it was only out of respect that they did not object to his tree being there. He therefore sent someone to cut it down. The Gemara asks: But why did he tell the man to return the next day? Let him say to him: Go cut down your tree, and then I will cut mine down. The Gemara answers: Because of the statement of Reish Lakish, who said: The verse states: “Gather yourselves together and gather [hitkosheshu vakoshu]” (Zephaniah 2:1), and this can be explained homiletically to mean: Adorn [keshot] yourself and afterward adorn others, i.e., act properly before requiring others to do so.

קידושין ע׳ א:י״ב-י״ג

ההוא גברא דמנהרדעא דעל לבי מטבחיא בפומבדיתא אמר להו הבו לי בישרא אמרו ליה נטר עד דשקיל לשמעיה דרב יהודה בר יחזקאל וניתיב לך אמר מאן יהודה בר שויסקאל דקדים לי דשקל מן קמאי אזלו אמרו ליה לרב יהודה שמתיה אמרו רגיל דקרי אינשי עבדי אכריז עליה דעבדא הוא אזל ההוא אזמניה לדינא לקמיה דרב נחמן אייתי פיתקא דהזמנא אזל רב יהודה לקמיה דרב הונא אמר ליה איזיל או לא איזיל אמר ליה מיזל לא מיבעי לך למיזל משום דגברא רבה את אלא משום יקרא דבי נשיאה קום זיל

Kiddushin 70a:12-13

§ The Gemara recounts a related incident: There was a certain man from Neharde’a who entered a butcher shop in Pumbedita. He said to them: Give me meat. They said to him: Wait until the servant of Rav Yehuda bar Yeḥezkel has taken his meat, and then we will give it to you. The man said to them in anger: Who is this Yehuda bar Sheviske’el, a derogatory name for a glutton for meat, that he should precede me, that he should take before me? They went and told Rav Yehuda what the man had said. Rav Yehuda excommunicated him, in accordance with the halakha of one who disparages a Torah scholar. They also said to him that the same man was in the habit of calling people slaves. Rav Yehuda proclaimed about him that he is a slave and may not marry a Jew. The Gemara continues the story: That man went and summoned Rav Yehuda to judgment before Rav Naḥman, who was a judge in Neharde’a. When the summons arrived in Pumbedita, Rav Yehuda went before Rav Huna to seek his council. Rav Yehuda said to him: Should I go or should I not go? Rav Huna said to him: As for the obligation to go, you are not required to go, since you are a great man and therefore are not under the jurisdiction of Rav Naḥman’s court. But due to the honor of the Exilarch’s house, as Rav Naḥman was the son-in-law of the Exilarch, get up and go.

קידושין ע׳ ב:ד׳-ה׳

מאי טעמא אכריז מר עליה דעבדא הוא אמר ליה דרגיל דקרי אינשי עבדי ותני כל הפוסל פסול ואינו מדבר בשבחא לעולם ואמר שמואל במומו פוסל אימר דאמר שמואל למיחש ליה לאכרוזי עליה מי אמר אדהכי והכי (אתא ההוא בר דיניה מנהרדעי) א"ל ההוא בר דיניה לרב יהודה לדידי קרית לי עבדא דאתינא מבית חשמונאי מלכא אמר ליה הכי אמר שמואל כל דאמר מדבית חשמונאי קאתינא עבדא הוא

Kiddushin 70b:4-5

Rav Naḥman further inquired: What is the reason that the Master proclaimed about him that he is a slave? Rav Yehuda said to him: Because he is in the habit of calling people slaves, and it is taught: Anyone who disqualifies others by stating that their lineage is flawed, that is a sign that he himself is of flawed lineage. Another indication of his lineage being flawed is that he never speaks in praise of others. And Shmuel said: He disqualifies with his own flaw. Rav Naḥman retorted: You can say that Shmuel said this halakha only to the degree that one should suspect him of being of flawed lineage. But did he actually say this to the extent that one could proclaim about him that he is of flawed lineage? The Gemara continues the story: Meanwhile, that litigant arrived from Neharde’a. That litigant said to Rav Yehuda: You call me a slave? I, who come from the house of the Hasmonean kings? Rav Yehuda said to him: This is what Shmuel says: Anyone who says: I come from the house of the Hasmonean kings, is a slave. As will be explained, only slaves remained of their descendants.

משנה תורה, הלכות איסורי ביאה י״ט:י״ז

(יז) כָּל מִשְׁפָּחוֹת בְּחֶזְקַת כְּשֵׁרוֹת וּמֻתָּר לִשָּׂא מֵהֶן לְכַתְּחִלָּה.... וְכֵן הַפּוֹסֵל אֶת אֲחֵרִים תָּמִיד. כְּגוֹן שֶׁנּוֹתֵן שֶׁמֶץ בְּמִשְׁפָּחוֹת אוֹ בִּיחִידִים וְאוֹמֵר עֲלֵיהֶן שֶׁהֵן מַמְזֵרִים. חוֹשְׁשִׁין לוֹ שֶׁמָּא מַמְזֵר הוּא. וְאִם אָמַר לָהֶן שֶׁהֵם עֲבָדִים חוֹשְׁשִׁין לוֹ שֶׁמָּא עֶבֶד הוּא. שֶׁכָּל הַפּוֹסֵל בְּמוּמוֹ פּוֹסֵל.

Mishneh Torah, Forbidden Intercourse 19:17

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דברים א׳:כ״ז

(כז) וַתֵּרָגְנ֤וּ בְאָהֳלֵיכֶם֙ וַתֹּ֣אמְר֔וּ בְּשִׂנְאַ֤ת יקוק אֹתָ֔נוּ הוֹצִיאָ֖נוּ מֵאֶ֣רֶץ מִצְרָ֑יִם לָתֵ֥ת אֹתָ֛נוּ בְּיַ֥ד הָאֱמֹרִ֖י לְהַשְׁמִידֵֽנוּ׃

Deuteronomy 1:27

(27) You sulked in your tents and said, “It is because the LORD hates us that He brought us out of the land of Egypt, to hand us over to the Amorites to wipe us out.

רש"י על דברים א׳:כ״ז:ב׳

(ב) בשנאת יקוק אתנו. וְהוּא הָיָה אוֹהֵב אֶתְכֶם, אֲבָל אַתֶּם שׂוֹנְאִים אוֹתוֹ; מְשַׁל הֶדְיוֹט אוֹמֵר מַה דִּבְלִבָּךְ עַל רְחִמָּךְ מַה דִּבְלִבֵּהּ עֲלָךְ (ספרי):

Rashi on Deuteronomy 1:27:2

(2) בשנאת ה׳ אתנו BECAUSE THE LORD HATES US — Really, however, He loved you, but you hated Him. A common proverb says: What is in your own mind about your friend, you imagine is what is in his mind about you (Sifrei Devarim 24:3).

משנה נגעים ב׳:ה׳

(ה) כָּל הַנְּגָעִים אָדָם רוֹאֶה, חוּץ מִנִּגְעֵי עַצְמוֹ. רַבִּי מֵאִיר אוֹמֵר, אַף לֹא נִגְעֵי קְרוֹבָיו.

Mishnah Negaim 2:5

(5) All negaim may be examined by a person, except his own. Rabbi Meir ruled: not even the negaim of his relatives.

Projection serves to protect ourselves psychologically from the unconscious pain and discomfort that we may posses a trait that is unsavory. Rather than dealing with the trait in ourselves, we deny it and project it onto others.

One way to know if you are projecting is to witness how much negative energy you feel about that characteristic you’re noticing in the other person. While most people are rubbed the wrong way by someone who is arrogant or greedy, some get more fired than others. If your blood boils when you think of such a person, it’s a good sign that you have struck a golden growth opportunity!

The gift of the mirror

Becoming aware of your projections enables you to become more conscious about yourself. It can transform your negative reactions towards others by realizing that much of your reactivity is coming from a deeper place within. As you look into the mirror that the other person is reflecting back, you can discover the missing parts of yourself that you may have once seen as unacceptable.

Allow yourself to take ownership for those negative traits you see in your spouse that may actually be within you. Instead of focusing on your spouse’s selfishness or disorganization, see what you can do to be more other-focused or organized. While it may be true that you may be selfless or organized in many areas, perhaps you are weak in others. As you begin to work on yourself, you will have more compassion for your spouse and be less annoyed when s/he displays the trait you hate. Use this projection as an opportunity to discover new ways for you to improve and grow in your relationship.

Relationships, especially marriage, provide an incredible growth opportunity if you keep your eyes open. Many are quick to discard a relationship because of the negative they see in the other, yet they fail to realize the gift of the mirror to provide feedback that can lead to reclaiming our original wholeness. Wholeness is ultimately achieved when we can seriously look at ourselves, take ownership, and make the necessary stretches to grow and improve.

The Baal Shem Tov is simply giving us the most common reason why we may see faults in others. It is a defensive maneuver to minimize the awareness of our own faults, and the self-recrimination that would result from such awareness.

Most people are quick to criticize others for their faults. How wonderful the world would be if we followed the Baal Shem Tov’s teachings, and did as he did; namely, when noticing a fault in others, direct our attention inwardly to discover where we can make changes that would lead to self-improvement.

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. Psychological projection involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings.

Once you have identified that you are engaging in psychological projection, you will become more aware of this tendency during future interactions.