Honoring Abusive Parents?

(15) For your own sake, therefore, be most careful

When Rav Dimi came from Eretz Yisrael to Babylonia, he said: Once Dama ben Netina was wearing a fine cloak [sirkon] of gold, and was sitting among the nobles of Rome. And his mother came to him and tore his garment from him and smacked him on the head and spat in his face, and yet he did not embarrass her. Avimi, son of Rabbi Abbahu, taught: There is a type of son who feeds his father pheasant [pasyonei] and yet this behavior causes him to be removed from the World, i.e., the World-to-Come; and there is one who makes him grind with a millstone, which is difficult work, and this action brings him to the life of the World-to-Come. Rabbi Abbahu said: One such as Avimi, my son, properly fulfilled the mitzva of honoring his parents.

The Gemara suggests: Come and hear a proof from what was taught with regard to the verse: “In his eyes a vile person is despised, but he honors them that fear the Lord” (Psalms 15:4). This is referring to Hezekiah, king of Judea, who dragged the bones of his father, Ahaz, on a bier made of ropes, and he did not bury Ahaz in a manner befitting a king in order to disgrace him for his sinful conduct. And if the eulogy and other funeral rites are meant to honor the living, what is the reason that he acted this way, in a manner that brought disgrace upon himself and all of the Jewish people? The Gemara answers: Hezekiah did this so that his father would achieve atonement for his sins through his disgrace.

He was not concerned about his own honor, and he was not concerned for the honor of his father because it is written, ‘A prince of your people,’ [one pays respect only] when he acts like one of your people.

(7) To what lengths should the honoring of one's father and mother go? Even if they took a pocketful of gold pieces belonging to him and cast it into the sea right in his presence, he must not shame them or scream and be angry at them; instead, he should accept the divine decree and keep silent. To what lengths should the duty of revering them go? Even if he wore costly clothes while presiding over a public assembly, and his father and mother came and tore his clothes, struck him on the head, and spat in his face, he must not embarrass them but keep silent. He should revere and fear the supreme King of kings who has thus commanded him. Had a mortal king laid a more painful restraint on him, he would be powerless to struggle against it; so much the more if the decree comes from him who spoke and the world came into being by his will.

(8) Although we have been commanded to behave thus [generously and reverently toward our parents], a man must not impose too heavy a yoke upon his children by being too strict with them in regard to his honor, that he might not cause them to stumble; he should rather forgive and ignore, since a father may well forego the honor due him [allowing the son to omit the acts of reverence, and the son may avail himself of the permission] ; the father's honor may well be remitted.

One who stands at the time of death of a Jewish man or woman is obligated to tear [a garment]. And even if sometimes they sinned because of their appetites, or they put aside mitzvot because they were too busy. [Rema: but we do not mourn for one accostumed to sin, and all the more so one who converted to idolatry​]