For a modern couple, the concept of shalom bayit can be somewhat evasive. On the one hand, we all want to live in harmonious, marital bliss. On the other, it can feel like we have to suppress our true feelings and somehow stifle our natural, authentic communication to obtain this Torah ideal. How can the modern couple reap the benefits of shalom bayit without sacrificing the values and communication style that is so essential to their ability to grow and thrive in the modern world?
We will take a look at some traditional sources with an eye towards applying them to our modern, fast paced lives.
Rava said: It is obvious to me that there is a fixed list of priorities. When a person is poor and must choose between purchasing oil to light a Shabbat lamp for his home or purchasing oil to light a Hanukkah lamp, the Shabbat lamp for his home takes precedence. That is due to peace in his home; without the light of that lamp, his family would be sitting and eating their meal in the dark.
Rava does not question what the priority is when it comes to shalom bayit. A peaceful home comes first. What would he do if his wife was overwhelmed and needed help preparing for guests when it was time to run to shul?
What is Shalom Bayit to you? What is it not?
Thus the Sages commanded: A man should honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself. If his money abounds, according to what he can afford. He should not inspire excess fear in her, and he should speak gently with her, and be neither depressed nor hot-tempered. Thus the Sages commanded: A woman should honor her husband too much, and have awe of him, do all of her actions according to his word. He should seem to her like a minister or king, walking in the desires of his heart, and distancing herself from what he hates. This is how holy and pure Jews behave in their marriages. These paths should be their pleasant and praiseworthy lifestyle.
The tradition of 'pure and holy' Jews is described in detail by the Rambam in the Mishnah Torah. While having the list for just the wife or just the husband may feel a bit antiquated, what is your impression of these attitudes side by side? If you knew that your husband would uphold his side, would it be easier for you to uphold yours?
What is the contract between a husband and wife in order to achieve Shalom Bayit?
If you had to create your own list of Shalom Bayit traits and behaviors, what would you commit to? What would your husband commit to?
Rabbi Akiva taught: If a man [ish] and woman [isha] merit reward through a faithful marriage, the Divine Presence rests between them. The words ish and isha are almost identical; the difference between them is the middle letter yod in ish, and the final letter heh in isha. These two letters can be joined to form the name of God spelled yod, heh. But if due to licentiousness they do not merit reward, the Divine Presence departs, leaving in each word only the letters alef and shin, which spell esh, fire. Therefore, fire consumes them.
Rabbi Akiva is touching on the flip side of Shalom Bayit - not the fire that fills the home with light but the fire that consumes it with jealousy, contempt, and resentment. He hints that the woman in particular, because of the proximity of the alef and the shin in the word esha, is consumed more intensely and more strongly than the man.
What about the ideals of the traditional Jewish home could engender resentment in a woman with modern sensibilities?
How, as a couple committed to Shalom Bayit and partnership, can we guard ourselves from the destructive fire of resentment that poses a threat to our home?
The idea of marriage as a partnership to fuel personal growth is all the rage in contemporary circles yet the idea is found in the oldest of sources. Is the concept of being an " ezer kenegdo" (a helpmate sometimes helping and other times striking our spouse) a contradiction to the value of shalom bayit?
What does it look like to uphold our ideals of shalom bayit yet still communicate honestly and openly?
How does this strengthen us and cause us to grow? How does it challenge us in the areas where we are most vulnerable?
What tools or resources do we need as a couple to do this successfully? What are we strong in? What could we use some support on?
אמר רבי תנחום א"ר חנילאי כל אדם שאין לו אשה שרוי בלא שמחה בלא ברכה בלא טובה בלא שמחה דכתיב (דברים יד, כו) ושמחת אתה וביתך בלא ברכה דכתיב (יחזקאל מד, ל) להניח ברכה אל ביתך בלא טובה דכתיב (בראשית ב, יח) לא טוב היות האדם לבדו
Rabbi Tanḥum said that Rabbi Ḥanilai said: Any man who does not have a wife is left without joy, without blessing, without goodness. He proceeds to quote verses to support each part of his statement. He is without joy, as it is written: “And you shall rejoice, you and your household” (Deuteronomy 14:26), which indicates that the a man is in a joyful state only when he is with his household, i.e. his wife. He is without blessing, as it is written: “To cause a blessing to rest in your house” (Ezekiel 44:30), which indicates that blessing comes through one’s house, i.e. one’s wife. He is without goodness, as it is written: “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18), i.e. without a wife.
It is unmistakable from this Gemara that the source of man's deepest joy comes from his household - from his wife. Our marriage is the vessel for G-d's abundant blessing in our own small domain where we set the norms and determine the culture. Within the walls of our homes, we are truly G-dlike because we set the tone.
Through study and conversation, may we merit to uphold our personal version of Shalom Bayit so that our home can be a true source of revealed blessing and joy to everyone within our walls.