Teshuvah: The Readiness to Exist

(14) And God said unto Moses: "Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh" (I AM THAT I AM); and God said: ‘Thus shall you say unto the children of Israel: I AM (Ehyeh) hath sent me unto you.’

(1) 2. Now, it is impossible to attain this kavod [Elohim] except by means of teshuvah (repentance). And the essence of repentance is that when a person hears himself being insulted, he remains quiet and silent.

(2) For there can be no Kavod without a Kaf, and the Kaf <is an aspect of> Keter (Crown) (Zohar III, 255b). This corresponds to Ehyeh, <as is known,> which corresponds to repentance.

(3) For <the meaning of> ehyeh is “I am prepared to be.” That is, before repenting a person does not yet have being. It is as if he does not yet exist in the world. Indeed, he would be better off had he not been created (Eruvin 13b). But when he prepares to purify himself and repent, he is then in the aspect of ehyeh. In other words, he will then exist in the world—i.e., “I am prepared to be.”

(4) This is an aspect of Keter, because the word keter suggests waiting, <which is> an aspect of repentance. As our Sages taught: Anyone who undertakes to purify himself is assisted [from Above]. It is like the allegory of the person who comes to buy sweet smelling oil. They tell him, “Wait…” (Yoma 38b). This corresponds to KeTeR, as is written (Job 36:2), “KaTaR (wait) for me awhile and I will tell you.”

(5) Before repentance, however, the aspect of ehyeh is hidden from him. For he has not yet prepared himself to exist in the world. And the hidden face of Ehyeh —<i.e., the achoraim of the Holy Name Ehyeh>—has the same numerical value as dam (blood)—i.e., spilt blood and scorn, as is written (1 Samuel 2:30), “[For I honor those who honor Me,] but those who scorn Me will be dishonored.” The blood which is in the left hollow of the heart—the abode of the evil inclination, as is written (Ecclesiastes 10:2), “but a fool’s heart inclines to his left”—still retains its strength and power. This is the reason he is subjected to ridicule and spilt blood. They are the aspect of a hidden and turned face of Ehyeh, which has the same numerical value as dam.

(6) Now, the rectification for this is to turn <from> DaM to DoMe (quiet). He should be among those who hear themselves ridiculed and yet do not retort. Nor should he be vexed by affronts to his honor. For when he fulfills “be quiet before God,” then the Holy One strikes [his enemies] dead. As it is written (Psalms 37:7), “Be dome before God and hitChoLeL (hope longingly) for Him”—God will strike them ChaLoLim (dead) (Gittin 7a). This is (Psalms 109:22), “and my heart is ChoLoL (hollowed) within me”—i.e., through [his quiet and silence] the <bad> blood in the left hollow is lessened.

(7) This is an aspect of slaughtering the evil inclination, through which he merits kavod Elohim. As is written (Psalms 50:23), “Whoever brings a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors Me,” and the Sages explain that this refers to slaughtering the evil inclination (Sanhedrin 43b).

(1) 3. Thus, a person should perpetually embrace the attribute of repentance. For “Who can say, ‘I have cleansed my heart, I am purged of my sin?’” (Proverbs 20:9). Even at the moment a person says, “I have sinned, I have transgressed, I have acted wantonly,” it is impossible for him to say this with a pure heart and without an ulterior motive.

(2) {This is the meaning of “Who can say I have cleansed my heart, I am purged of my sin.” In other words, who can say that his heart is sincere and pure of ulterior motives even at the time he is saying “I have sinned….” This is the meaning of “Who can say… I am purged of my sin”—i.e., that he is purged of the “I have sinned, I have transgressed, I have acted wantonly,” which he utters. For even then, his confession is not completely sincere and pure, without ulterior motives.}

(3) We find, therefore, that he must repent for his first act of repentance, for the “I have sinned, I have transgressed, I have acted wantonly” that he uttered. Of such a person it is said (Isaiah 29:13), “and he honors Me with his lips”—because through repentance he attains kavod Elohim —“but his heart is far from Me.”

(4) And even if a person knows inside himself that he has been totally sincere in his repentance, he must still repent for his first act of repentance. This is because when he first repented, he did so according to his level of perception [then]. But afterwards, when he [again] repents, he certainly recognizes and perceives even more about God. So that relative to his present perception, his first perception was certainly <crude in comparison>. We find, therefore, that he must repent for his original <repentance>, for having made crass the exalted nature of His Godliness.

(5) This is an aspect of the World to Come, which will be completely ShaBbaT —i.e., completely TeShuVah, as is written (Deuteronomy 30:2), “Then, ShaVTa (you will return) to God your Lord.” For the essence of the World to Come will be the ability to have a perception of His Godliness, as is written (Jeremiah 31:33), “they will know Me, from the least of them to the greatest.” Therefore, each time <he comes to> a deeper perception, <it will be necessary> to repent for the preceding perception.

(6) And this is the meaning of what the Sages taught: Whoever slaughters his evil inclination <and then confesses, it is as if he honored the Holy One in two worlds> (Sanhedrin 43b). This <slaughtering of the evil inclination> is an aspect of repentance—corresponding to “My heart is hollowed within me,” and “Be quiet before God”—an aspect of the Holy Name Ehyeh / Keter / kavod. “… and then confesses”—i.e., he confesses for slaughtering his evil inclination, repenting for his first repentance and for his original level of perception—[so that] “it is as if he honored the Holy One in two worlds.” This is because the first repentance corresponds to the kavod of this world. After he has repented and attained a greater perception and a greater recognition of the exalted nature of His Godliness, he then repents for his [earlier] repentance. This [second] repentance is the kavod of the World to Come.

(7) This is the meaning of (Zechariah 14:6): “[On that day,] there will be neither bright light nor thick darkness”—concerning which the Sages said: The light which is substantial in this world will be insignificant and slight in the World to Come (Pesachim 50a). We see, therefore, that in the World to Come, when people will merit a greater perception of His Godliness, they will surely be contrite and repent for their perception in this world. For perception in this world is <materialistic> in comparison with perception in the World to Come.

(8) Thus, “it is as if he honored the Holy One in two worlds.” The slaughter of the evil inclination is the first repentance <and> corresponds to the glory of this world. And the confession for having slaughtered the evil inclination is the second repentance, corresponding to < kavod Elohi>. This is because the original glory <is> thick and negligible in comparison with the second glory.

(9) {“I kept silent when you did these things, [and so] you imagined that I ehyeh like you. I will rebuke you and lay it right before your eyes” (Psalms 50:21).} This is what the Holy One says, “I kept silent when you did these things, [and so] you imagined that I ehyeh (will be) like you”—because, as explained, man becomes an aspect of ehyeh by keeping silent. But when the Holy One keeps silent for a person it is not because of <the aspect of> ehyeh, God forbid. Such a concept is in no way applicable to the Holy One. It is only so that <this person might receive his punishment> in the World to Come. For, then, his transgressions are set before his eyes and he is rebuked to his face. And this is, “I will rebuke you and lay it right before your eyes.”