(ו) כשיחטא איש לאיש לא ישטמנו וישתוק כמו שנאמר ברשעים ולא דבר אבשלום את אמנון מאומה למרע ועד טוב כי שנא אבשלום את אמנון אלא מצוה עליו להודיעו ולומר לו למה עשית לי כך וכך ולמה חטאת לי בדבר פלוני שנאמר הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ואם חזר ובקש ממנו למחול לו צריך למחול ולא יהא המוחל אכזרי שנאמר ויתפלל אברהם אל האלהים.
(ז) הרואה חבירו שחטא או שהלך בדרך לא טובה מצוה להחזירו למוטב ולהודיעו שהוא חוטא על עצמו במעשיו הרעים שנאמר הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך המוכיח את חבירו בין בדברים שבינו לבינו בין בדברים שבינו לבין המקום צריך להוכיחו בינו לבין עצמו וידבר לו בנחת ובלשון רכה ויודיעו שאינו אומר לו אלא לטובתו להביאו לחיי העולם הבא אם קיבל ממנו מוטב ואם לאו יוכיחנו פעם שניה ושלישית וכן תמיד חייב אדם להוכיחו עד שיכהו החוטא ויאמר לו איני שומע וכל שאפשר בידו למחות ואינו מוחה הוא נתפש בעון אלו כיון שאפשר לו למחות בהם.
(6) When one person sins against another, he should not hate him and be silent, as it says concerning the wicked ones, "And Avshalom did not speak to Amonon, neither bad nor good because Avshalom hated Amnon (II Samuel 13:22)." Rather, it is a mitzvah to inform him and say to him, "Why did you do this to me?" "And why did you wrong me in this matter?" As it says, "You shall surely rebuke your kinsman (Leviticus 19:17)." And if he returns and asks forgiveness from him, he needs to forgive. The one forgiving should not be cruel as it says, "And Abraham prayed to God...(Genesis 20:17)"
(7) One who sees his colleague sin or follow a path that is not good, it is a mitzvah to warn him for his own good and inform him that he is sinning against himself by his wicked deeds, as it says, "You shall surely rebuke your kinsman (Leviticus 19:17)." One who rebukes his colleague, whether over matters that are between him and his colleague or matters between his colleague and God, one needs to rebuke him privately and speak to him quietly and patiently and inform him that you are not speaking to him except for his good and for the sake of his entering the world to come. If he accepts the rebuke, it is good. If he does not, rebuke him a second time and a third time. Thus a person is always obligated to rebuke until he (the rebuked) strikes him and says "I will not listen." Every one that has the opportunity to rebuke and does not rebuke, he is responsible for that sin, because he had the opportunity to rebuke him.
(ח) המוכיח את חבירו תחלה לא ידבר לו קשות עד שיכלימנו שנאמר ולא תשא עליו חטא כך אמרו חכמים יכול אתה מוכיחו ופניו משתנות ת"ל ולא תשא עליו חטא מכאן שאסור לאדם להכלים את ישראל וכל שכן ברבים אף על פי שהמכלים את חבירו אינו לוקה עליו עון גדול הוא כך אמרו חכמים המלבין פני חבירו ברבים אין לו חלק לעולם הבא לפיכך צריך אדם להזהר שלא לבייש חבירו ברבים בין קטן בין גדול ולא יקרא לו בשם שהוא בוש ממנו ולא יספר לפניו דבר שהוא בוש ממנו במה דברים אמורים בדברים שבין אדם לחבירו אבל בדברי שמים אם לא חזר בו בסתר מכלימין אותו ברבים ומפרסמים חטאו ומחרפים אותו בפניו ומבזין ומקללין אותו עד שיחזור למוטב כמו שעשו כל הנביאים בישראל.
(8) One who rebukes his colleague at first should not speak harshly to him until he becomes embarrassed, as it says, "And you shall not bear a sin because of him (Leviticus 19:17)." Thus our sages say, "Can you rebuke him and face changes [color]?" Tradition teaches, " And you shall not bear a sin because of him (Leviticus 19:17)." From here, it is forbidden for a person to embarrass his fellow Jew and even more so, in public. Even if one embarrassed his colleague, he is not liable for lashes. It is [still] a great sin. Thus our sages say, "One who causes the face of his colleague to turn white in public, does not have a share in the world to come." Therefore a person needs to be careful not to embarrass his colleague in public, whether he is lesser or greater, He should not call him a names that causes embarrassment, nor tell a story that causes him embarrassment. To what do these words apply? To matters that are between people. But to heavenly matters, if he does not repent [after being rebuked] in private, embarrass him in public and publicize his sin. He may be abused, scorned and cursed until he returns toward goodness as did all the prophets in Israel.
Calling IN: A Less Disposable Way of Holding Each Other Accountable
Posted on Black Girl Dangerous December 18, 2013 by editors
by Ngọc Loan Trần
http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2013/12/calling-less-disposable-way-holding-accountable/
Most of us know the drill. Someone says something that supports the oppression of another community, the red flags pop up and someone swoops in to call them out.
But what happens when that someone is a person we know — and love? What happens when we ourselves are that someone?
And what does it mean for our work to rely on how we have been programmed to punish people for their mistakes?
I’ll be the first person and the last person to say that anger is valid. Mistakes are mistakes; they deepen the wounds we carry. I know that for me when these mistakes are committed by people who I am in community with, it hurts even more. But these are people I care deeply about and want to see on the other side of the hurt, pain, and trauma: I am willing to offer compassion and patience as a way to build the road we are taking but have never seen before.
So, what exactly is “calling in”? I’ve spent over a year of trying to figure this out for myself, and this practice is still coming to me daily. The first part of calling each other in is allowing mistakes to happen. Mistakes in communities seeking justice and freedom may not hurt any less but they also have possibility for transforming the ways we build with each other for a new, better world. We have got to believe that we can transform.
When confronted with another person’s mistake, I often think about what makes my relationship with this person important. Is it that we’ve done work together before? Is it that I know their politics? Is it that I trust their politics? Are they a family member? Oh shit, my mom? Is it that I’ve heard them talk about patience or accountability or justice before? Where is our common ground? And is our common ground strong enough to carry us through how we have enacted violence on each other?
I start “call in” conversations by identifying the behavior and defining why I am choosing to engage with them. I prioritize my values and invite them to think about theirs and where we share them. And then we talk about it. We talk about it together, like people who genuinely care about each other. We offer patience and compassion to each other and also keep it real, ending the conversation when we need to and know that it wasn’t a loss to give it a try.
Because when I see problematic behavior from someone who is connected to me, who is committed to some of the things I am, I want to believe that it’s possible for us to move through and beyond whatever mistake was committed.
I picture “calling in” as a practice of pulling folks back in who have strayed from us. It means extending to ourselves the reality that we will and do fuck up, we stray and there will always be a chance for us to return. Calling in as a practice of loving each other enough to allow each other to make mistakes; a practice of loving ourselves enough to know that what we’re trying to do here is a radical unlearning of everything we have been configured to believe is normal.
Ngọc Loan Trần is a Việt/mixed-race disabled queer writer grounded in the U.S South. Their work is about bold, fearless visioning that cuts through the nonsense to make real the freedom, justice and love we seek. You can read more of their work and writing at nloantran.com.