דריש ר"ע איש ואשה זכו שכינה ביניהן לא זכו אש אוכלתן
§ Rabbi Akiva taught: When sexual relations are properly conducted the Divine presence stands between them
Know that the act of union is a holy and pure matter when carried out in the proper manner, at the proper time, and with the proper intentions. A person should not think there is anything degrading and unbecoming to the act of union, God forbid.*
(יב) וְכֵן אָסְרוּ חֲכָמִים שֶׁלֹּא יְשַׁמֵּשׁ אָדָם מִטָּתוֹ וְלִבּוֹ מְחַשֵּׁב בְּאִשָּׁה אַחֶרֶת. וְלֹא יִבְעל מִתּוֹךְ שִׁכְרוּת וְלֹא מִתּוֹךְ מְרִיבָה וְלֹא מִתּוֹךְ שִׂנְאָה וְלֹא יָבוֹא עָלֶיהָ עַל כָּרְחָהּ וְהִיא יְרֵאָה מִמֶּנּוּ. וְלֹא כְּשֶׁיִּהְיֶה אֶחָד מֵהֶן מְנֻדֶּה. וְלֹא יָבוֹא עָלֶיהָ אַחַר שֶׁגָּמַר בְּלִבּוֹ לְגָרְשָׁהּ. וְאִם עָשָׂה כֵּן הַבָּנִים אֵינָן הֲגוּנִים אֶלָּא מֵהֶן עַזֵּי פָּנִים וּמֵהֶן מוֹרְדִים וּפוֹשְׁעִים:
(12) Similarly, the sages forbade a man to have marital relations while thinking of another woman. Nor may he initiate sex while drunk, nor out of spite or hatred, nor may he rape her or initiate sex while she is afraid. Nor may they have sex while either of them are excommunicated nor after he has decided to divorce her. If [the husband] does any of those things, the children will not be proper [citizens] but brazen, rebellious [people] and criminals.
The Gemara cites another halakha derived from the verse mentioned in the previous discussion. Rami bar Ḥama said that Rav Asi said: It is prohibited for a man to force his wife in the conjugal mitzva, i.e., sexual relations, as it is stated: “And he who hastens with his feet sins” (Proverbs 19:2). The term his feet is understood here as a euphemism for intercourse.
ברתיה מאי היא הויא ליה ברתא בעלת יופי יומא חד חזיא לההוא גברא דהויא כריא בהוצא וקא חזי לה אמר לו מאי האי אמר ליה רבי אם ללוקחה לא זכיתי לראותה לא אזכה אמר לה בתי קא מצערת להו לברייתא שובי לעפריך ואל יכשלו ביך בני אדם
The Gemara asks: What is the incident involving his daughter? He had a very beautiful daughter. One day Rabbi Yosei from Yokrat saw a certain man piercing a hole in the hedge surrounding his property and looking at his daughter. Rabbi Yosei said to him: What is this? The man said to him: My teacher, if I have not merited taking her in marriage, shall I not at least merit to look at her? Rabbi Yosei said to her: My daughter, you are causing people distress. Return to your dust, and let people no longer stumble into sin due to you.
§ the Gemara notes that Rav Yehuda says that Rav says: There was an incident involving a certain man who set his eyes upon a certain woman and passion rose in his heart, to the point that he became deathly ill. And they came and asked doctors what was to be done with him. And the doctors said: He will have no cure until she engages in sexual intercourse with him. The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not engage in sexual intercourse with him. The doctors said: She should at least stand naked before him. The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not stand naked before him. The doctors suggested: The woman should at least converse with him behind a fence in a secluded area, so that he should derive a small amount of pleasure from the encounter. The Sages insisted: Let him die, and she may not converse with him behind a fence.
13.One should not have intercourse with his wife unless she has a desire for it, but not otherwise, and certainly one is forbidden to force her. Nor should one have intercourse with his wife if he hates her, or if she hates him, and she tells him that she does not want his attention, although she does consent to having cohabitation. If he has determined to divorce her, and she is not aware of it, he is not allowed to cohabit with her even though he does not hate her. Nor should one be with his wife when she is actually asleep, nor while he or she is intoxicated.
Rabbi Solomon Ganzfried, Kitzur Shulhan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law): Volume 4 (Chapter 152)
1. One must not be alone with any woman, whether she is young or old, a Jew or non-Jew, or whether she is related to him or not, with the exception of a father, who is permitted to be alone with his daughter, a mother with her son, and a husband with is wife, even if she is in nidah.
2. A man is allowed to be alone with a female child less than three years old. A woman may be alone with a boy less that nine years old.
8. A man should ever avoid women; thus, he should not make gestures at them, either with his hands or with his feet, nor wink at them, nor jest with them, nor act with levity in their presence, nor gaze at their beauty. It is forbidden to scent the perfume designed for women, especially when a woman holds it in her hand or when it hangs on her...If one encounters a woman in the street, he should not walk behind her, but he should hasten his steps, so that she is either alongside of him or behind him. One should not pass by the door of a harlot, even at a distance of four cubits. He who gazes even as the small finger of a woman in order to enjoy its sight, commits a grave sin. It is forbidden to hear the voice of a woman singer, or to gaze at a woman's hair.
(א) קֹדֶם מַתַּן תּוֹרָה הָיָה אָדָם פּוֹגֵעַ אִשָּׁה בַּשּׁוּק אִם רָצָה הוּא וְהִיא לִשָּׂא אוֹתָהּ מַכְנִיסָהּ לְתוֹךְ בֵּיתוֹ וּבוֹעֲלָהּ בֵּינוֹ לְבֵין עַצְמוֹ וְתִהְיֶה לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה. כֵּיוָן שֶׁנִּתְּנָה תּוֹרָה נִצְטַוּוּ יִשְׂרָאֵל שֶׁאִם יִרְצֶה הָאִישׁ לִשָּׂא אִשָּׁה יִקְנֶה אוֹתָהּ תְּחִלָּה בִּפְנֵי עֵדִים וְאַחַר כָּךְ תִּהְיֶה לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (דברים כב יג) "כִּי יִקַּח אִישׁ אִשָּׁה וּבָא אֵלֶיהָ":
(1) Before the giving of the Torah, it would be that if a man happened upon a woman in the marketplace and they wanted to marry each other, he would bring her into his house and consummate the marriage between them privately, and she would be his wife. Once the Torah was given, Israel was commanded that if a man wanted to marry a woman, he would acquire her first through witnesses, and afterwards she would be his wife, as it says, "When a man takes a woman and comes (sleeps with) to her..." (Deuteronomy 22:13).
(18) And the ETERNAL God said: ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helpmate for him.’ (19) And out of the ground the ETERNAL God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man would call every living creature, that was to be its name. (20) And the man gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a helpmate for him. (21) And the ETERNAL God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; and God took one of his ribs, and closed up the place with flesh. (22) And the rib, which the ETERNAL God had taken from the man, was made into a woman, brought unto the man. (23) And the man said: ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ (24) Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh. (25) And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
(ב) וליקוחין אלו מצות עשה של תורה הם. ובאחד משלשה דברים אלו האשה נקנית. בכסף. או בשטר. או בביאה. ... ואשה שנקנית באחד מג' דברים אלו היא הנקראת מקודשת או מאורסת.
(2) Taking a wife is a positive commandment of the Torah. A woman is acquired in three ways: by money, by contract, or by intercourse. ... And a woman who is acquired through any of these three means is considered to be married.
(א) כְּשֶׁנּוֹשֵׂא אָדָם אִשָּׁה בֵּין בְּתוּלָה בֵּין בְּעוּלָה בֵּין גְּדוֹלָה בֵּין קְטַנָּה אַחַת בַּת יִשְׂרָאֵל וְאַחַת הַגִּיֹּרֶת אוֹ הַמְשֻׁחְרֶרֶת יִתְחַיֵּב לָהּ בַּעֲשָׂרָה דְּבָרִים וְיִזְכֶּה בְּאַרְבָּעָה דְּבָרִים:
(ב) וְהָעֲשָׂרָה שְׁלֹשָׁה מֵהֶן מִן הַתּוֹרָה וְאֵלּוּ הֵן. (שמות כא-י) "שְׁאֵרָהּ. כְּסוּתָהּ. וְעוֹנָתָהּ". שְׁאֵרָהּ אֵלּוּ מְזוֹנוֹתֶיהָ. כְּסוּתָהּ כְּמַשְׁמָעוֹ. עוֹנָתָהּ לָבֹא עָלֶיהָ כְּדֶרֶךְ כָּל הָאָרֶץ. וְהַשִּׁבְעָה מִדִּבְרֵי סוֹפְרִים וְכֻלָּן תְּנַאי בֵּית דִּין הֵם. הָאֶחָד מֵהֶם עִקַּר כְּתֻבָּה. וְהַשְּׁאָר הֵם הַנִּקְרָאִין תְּנָאֵי כְּתֻבָּה וְאֵלּוּ הֵן. לְרַפֹּאתָהּ אִם חָלְתָה. וְלִפְדּוֹתָהּ אִם נִשְׁבֵּית. לְקָבְרָהּ אִם מֵתָה. וְלִהְיוֹת נִזּוֹנֶת מִן נְכָסָיו. וְיוֹשֶׁבֶת בְּבֵיתוֹ אַחַר מוֹתוֹ כָּל זְמַן אַלְמְנוּתָהּ. וְלִהְיוֹת בְּנוֹתֶיהָ מִמֶּנּוּ נִזּוֹנוֹת מִנְּכָסָיו אַחֲרֵי מוֹתוֹ עַד שֶׁתִּתְאָרֵסְנָה. וְלִהְיוֹת בָּנֶיהָ הַזְּכָרִים מִמֶּנּוּ יוֹרְשִׁין כְּתֻבָּתָהּ יוֹתֵר עַל חֶלְקָם בַּיְרֻשָּׁה שֶׁעִם אֲחֵיהֶם: (ג) וְהָאַרְבָּעָה שֶׁזּוֹכָה בָּהֶן כֻּלָּם מִדִּבְרֵי סוֹפְרִים וְאֵלּוּ הֵן. לִהְיוֹת מַעֲשֵׂה יָדֶיהָ שֶׁלּוֹ. וְלִהְיוֹת מְצִיאָתָהּ שֶׁלּוֹ. וְשֶׁיִּהְיֶה אוֹכֵל כָּל פֵּרוֹת נְכָסֶיהָ בְּחַיֶּיהָ. וְאִם מֵתָה בְּחַיָּיו יִירָשֶׁנָּה.
A husband has ten obligations toward his wife and four rights from her. The obligations are (1) to provide her with food and care; (2) to supply her clothing and shelter; (3) to cohabit with her; (4) to provide the ketubah; (5) to supply medical care when she is ill; (6) to ransom her if she is taken captive; (7) to provide suitable burial when she dies; (8) to provide for her support after he dies and allow her to live in his house during her widowhood; (9) to provide from his estate for the support of their daughters until they are betrothed or reach the age of maturity; and (10) to see that their sons of the marriage shall inherit her ketubah, in addition to their portion of his estate which may be shared with his sons from other wives. The husband's rights are those entitling him: (1) to the benefit of his wife's handiwork; (2) to her chance gains or finds; (3) to the produce of her property; and (4) to inherit her estate.
העונה האמורה בתורה הטיילין בכל יום הפועלים שתים בשבת החמרים אחת בשבת הגמלים אחת לשלשים יום הספנים אחת לששה חדשים דברי רבי אליעזר:
The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah are: for men of independent means, every day; for laborers, twice a week; for donkey drivers, once a week; for camel drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months.
(יט) וְכֵן צִוּוּ חֲכָמִים שֶׁיִּהְיֶה אָדָם מְכַבֵּד אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ יוֹתֵר מִגּוּפוֹ וְאוֹהֲבָהּ כְּגוּפוֹ. וְאִם יֵשׁ לוֹ מָמוֹן מַרְבֶּה בְּטוֹבָתָהּ כְּפִי מָמוֹנוֹ. וְלֹא יַטִּיל עָלֶיהָ אֵימָה יְתֵרָה. וְיִהְיֶה דִּבּוּרוֹ עִמָּהּ בְּנַחַת. וְלֹא יִהְיֶה עָצֵב וְלֹא רַגְזָן: (כ) וְכֵן צִוּוּ עַל הָאִשָּׁה שֶׁתִּהְיֶה מְכַבֶּדֶת אֶת בַּעְלָהּ בְּיוֹתֵר מִדַּאי וְיִהְיֶה עָלֶיהָ מוֹרָא מִמֶּנּוּ וְתַעֲשֶׂה כָּל מַעֲשֶׂיהָ עַל פִּיו. וְיִהְיֶה בְּעֵינֶיהָ כְּמוֹ שַׂר אוֹ מֶלֶךְ. מְהַלֶּכֶת בְּתַאֲוַת לִבּוֹ וּמַרְחֶקֶת כָּל מַה שֶּׁיִּשְׂנָא. וְזֶה דֶּרֶךְ בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל וּבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל הַקְּדוֹשִׁים וְהַטְּהוֹרִים בְּזִוּוּגָן. וּבִדְרָכִים אֵלּוּ יִהְיֶה יִשּׁוּבָן נָאֶה וּמְשֻׁבָּח:
(19) Thus the Sages commanded: A man should honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself. If his money is plentiful, he should honor her as much as he can afford. He should not inspire excess fear in her, and he should speak gently with her, and not act downcast or hot-tempered.
(20) Thus the Sages commanded: A woman should honor her husband to excess, and stand in awe of him, and act according to his word. He should seem to her like a minister or king, following the desires of his heart, and distancing herself from the things he hates. This is how holy and pure Jews behave in their marriages; these ways are their pleasant and praiseworthy lifestyle.
ואמר רב כל ההולך בעצת אשתו נופל בגיהנם ... א"ל רב פפא לאביי והא אמרי אינשי איתתך גוצא גחין ותלחוש לה לא קשיא הא במילי דעלמא והא במילי דביתא לישנא אחרינא הא במילי דשמיא והא במילי דעלמא.
Rav said: “Anyone who follows the advice of his wife will wind up in hell!”
...
But Rav Papa said to Abaye, “But people say, ‘If your wife is short, bend down and listen to your wife, and whisper to her.’”
And there is no contradiction between the two: One applies to earthly matters, and the other applies to matters of the household. Another opinion: One applies to words of Heaven, and the other applies to words of the Earth.
(א) איך יתנהג האדם בתשמיש מטתו. ובו יז סעיפים:
אם היה נשוי לא יהא רגיל ביותר עם אשתו אלא בעונה האמורה בתורה הטיילים שפרנסתן מצויה להם ואין פורעים מס עונתן בכל יום. הפועלים שעשו מלאכה בעיר אחרת ולנין בכל לילה בבתיהם פעם אחת בשבוע ואם עושים מלאכה בעירם פעמים בשבוע. החמרים אחת בשבוע. הגמלים אחת לשלשים יום. הספנים אחת לששה חדשים. ועונת תלמידי חכמים מליל שבת לליל שבת וכל אדם צריך לפקוד את אשתו בליל טבילתה ובשעה שיוצא לדרך אם אינו הולך לדבר מצוה וכן אם אשתו מניקה והוא מכיר בה שהיא משדלתו ומרצה אותו ומקשטת עצמה לפניו כדי שיתן דעתו עליה חייב לפקדה. ואף כשהוא מצוי אצלה לא יכוין להנאתו אלא כאדם שפורע חובו שהוא חייב בעונתה ולקיים מצות בוראו שיהיו לו בנים עוסקים בתורה ומקיימים מצות בישראל וכן אם מכוין לתקון הולד שבששה חדשים אחרונים יפה לו שמתוך כך יצא מלובן ומזורז שפיר דמי. ואם הוא מכוין לגדור עצמו בה כדי שלא יתאוה לעבירה כי רואה יצרו גובר ומתאוה אל הדבר ההו.
(1) If a person is married, he should not be too frequent in his relations with his wife, but rather according to the schedule specified in the Torah. Idle men, who have means of living and do not pay taxes, their schedule is once every day; hired hands who work in another town and sleep every night at their homes, once a week; and if they work in their own town, twice a week; donkey drivers, once a week; camel drivers, once in thirty days; seamen, once in six months; the schedule of Torah Scholars is from Friday night to Friday night; and every man should visit his wife on the night she immerses, and before he embarks on a journey unless it is for a mitzvah matter. This applies [even] if his wife is nursing a child; and [if] he realizes that she is soliciting him and seeking to please him and preens herself before him so that he would pay attention to her, he must visit her. Even when he is with her, he should not seek his own pleasure, but be like someone paying his debt that he owes her at her schedule, and to fulfil the obligation of his Creator, so that he may have children who study Torah and keep mitzvot in Israel; and so too if his intent is for the benefit of the fetus, since during the last six months it benefits it, causing it to come out purified and lively, it is good; and also if he intends to restrain himself through her in order to prevent him from lusting after sin, since he sees his urges getting the better of him and lusting after that thing.
And I said to my husband: What is the reason for this behavior? And he said to me: It is so that I will not set my eyes on another woman, i.e., think about another woman; if a man thinks about another woman during sexual intercourse with his wife, his children consequently come close to receiving a mamzer status, i.e., the nature of their souls is tantamount to that of a mamzer. . . . In any event, it can be seen from her words that a Sage conversed with his wife while engaging in sexual intercourse with her. . . whatever a man wishes to do with his wife he may do. He may engage in sexual intercourse with her in any manner that he wishes, and need not concern himself with these restrictions. As an allegory, it is like meat that comes from the butcher. If he wants to eat it with salt, he may eat it that way. If he wants to eat it roasted, he may eat it roasted. If he wants to eat it cooked, he may eat it cooked. If he wants to eat it boiled, he may eat it boiled. And likewise with regard to fish that come from the fisherman. . . .A certain woman, who came before Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi to complain about her husband, said to him: My teacher, I set him a table, using a euphemism to say that she lay before him during intimacy, and he turned it over. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said to her: My daughter, the Torah permitted him to engage in sexual intercourse with you even in an atypical manner, and what can I do for you if he does so? Similarly, a certain woman who came before Rav said to him: My teacher, I set a table for him and he turned it over. He said to her: In what way is this case different from a fish [binnita] that one may eat any way he wishes? . . . Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said that it is derived from here that a man should not drink from this cup while setting his eyes on another cup, i.e., one should not engage in sexual intercourse with one woman while thinking about another woman. Ravina said: This statement is not necessary with regard to an unrelated woman. Rather, it is necessary only to state that even with regard to his own two wives, he should not engage in sexual intercourse with one while thinking about the other. The verse states: “And I will purge out from among you the rebels, and those that transgress against Me” (Ezekiel 20:38). Rabbi Levi said: These are children of those who have nine traits, who are defective from their conception and from whom rebels and transgressors emerge. The mnemonic for these nine traits is children of the acronym aleph, samekh, nun, tav, mem, shin, gimmel, ayin, ḥet. The children of nine traits are as follows: Children of fear [eima], i.e., where the wife was afraid of her husband and engaged in sexual intercourse with him out of fear; children of a woman who was raped [anusa]; children of a hated woman [senua], i.e., a woman who was hated by her husband; children of ostracism [niddui], i.e., one of the parents was ostracized by the court; children of substitution [temura], i.e., while engaging in intercourse with the woman, the man thought that she was another woman; children of strife [meriva], i.e., the parents engaged in intercourse while they were quarreling; children of drunkenness [shikhrut], i.e., the parents engaged in intercourse while they were drunk; children of a woman who was divorced in the heart [gerushat halev], i.e., the husband had already decided to divorce her when they engaged in intercourse; children of mixture [irbuveya], i.e., the man did not know with which woman he was engaging in intercourse; children of a shameless woman [ḥatzufa] who demands of her husband that he engage in intercourse with her. The Gemara asks: Is that so? But didn’t Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥmani say that Rabbi Yonatan said: Any man whose wife demands of him that he engage in sexual intercourse with her will have children the likes of whom did not exist even in the generation of Moses our teacher? As it is stated: “Get you wise men, and understanding, and well known from each one of your tribes, and I will make them head over you” (Deuteronomy 1:13); and it is written subsequently: “So I took the heads of your tribes, wise men, and well known” (Deuteronomy 1:15). And it does not say that they were understanding. Evidently, even Moses could not find understanding men in his generation.
(יח) שְׁלֹשָׁ֣ה הֵ֭מָּה נִפְלְא֣וּ מִמֶּ֑נִּי וארבע [וְ֝אַרְבָּעָ֗ה] לֹ֣א יְדַעְתִּֽים׃ (יט) דֶּ֤רֶךְ הַנֶּ֨שֶׁר ׀ בַּשָּׁמַיִם֮ דֶּ֥רֶךְ נָחָ֗שׁ עֲלֵ֫י צ֥וּר דֶּֽרֶךְ־אֳנִיָּ֥ה בְלֶב־יָ֑ם וְדֶ֖רֶךְ גֶּ֣בֶר בְּעַלְמָֽה׃
(18) There are three things which are too wonderful for me, Yea, four which I know not: (19) The way of an eagle in the air; The way of a serpent upon a rock; The way of a ship in the midst of the sea; And the way of a man with a young woman.
(יא) אָסוּר לְאָדָם לִמְנֹעַ מֵאִשְׁתּוֹ עוֹנָתָהּ; וְאִם מָנְעָה כְּדֵי לְצַעֲרָהּ, עוֹבֵר בְּלֹא תַעֲשֶׂה דְּ''עֹנָתָהּ לֹא יִגְרָע'' (שְׁמוֹת כא, י); וְאִם חָלָה אוֹ תָּשַׁשׁ כֹּחוֹ וְאֵינוֹ יָכוֹל לִבְעֹל, יַמְתִּין שִׁשָּׁה חֳדָשִׁים עַד שֶׁיַּבְרִיא, שֶׁאֵין לְךָ עוֹנָה גְּדוֹלָה מִזּוֹ; וְאַחַר כָּךְ, אוֹ יִטֹּל מִמֶּנָּה רְשׁוּת אוֹ יוֹצִיא וְיִתֵּן כְּתֻבָּה:
(11) It is forbidden for a man to withhold conjugal duties from his wife. If he did so with the intent of causing her pain he has transgressed the prohibition of "Do not reduce her conjugal obligation" (Ex. 21:10) . If he is ill or weakened and he is unable to have intercourse, he waits six months until he becomes healthy, for this is longest period of conjugal duties. After that period he must either get her permission or divorce her and pay the Ketubah.