Teshuva and Self-Compassion

The Challenge of Guilt

Soul reckoning requires us to look squarely at our own fallibility, to take stock of exactly where we have fallen short of the moral behavior that is expected of us (and that we expect of ourselves). The result of shining the light of self-scrutiny on ourselves can be unnerving, even shattering. The way we treated our parents or our children was just plain unacceptable; our failure to respond to the needs of others was inexcusable. The stories that we have told ourselves to justify, avoid, and/or minimize our shortcomings are challenged and have to be rewritten or even rejected. At stake is nothing less than our sense of self. If we look at ourselves honestly, the picture is likely to be less flattering than we would like. After all, this is exactly why we have avoided such moral self-assessment in the first place. But once we overcome that innate inner resistance, we face the challenge of what to do with our newfound awareness of our own moral failings. How shall we live with ourselves, if this is who we really are?

For many, especially those who may suffer from low self-esteem for other reasons, soul reckoning of this sort can trigger a downward spiral of self-rejection, self-flagellation, or even self-hatred. Self-condemnation is always painful and may even be self-destructive. But genuine soul reckoning is meant to lead down a different path, toward acceptance and integration. How does this happen?

Seeing our own failings more clearly can and should be an impetus to deeper moral sensitivity and moral growth. It is the spur to repentance, showing us where we have work to do and so enabling us to make progress, by addressing those shortcomings, holding ourselves accountable, repairing our relationships with others, and taking all the other steps in the process of repentance...

- Dr. Louis E. Newman, Repentance: The Meaning and Practice of Teshuvah

The Three Facets of Self-Compassion, and Their Connection to Teshuva

(1) Being Kind to Ourselves

[Self-kindness] involves actively comforting ourselves, responding just as we would to a dear friend in need. It means we allow ourselves to be emotionally moved by our own pain, stopping to say, "This is really difficult right now. How can I care for and comfort myself in this moment?" With self-kindness, we soothe and calm our troubled minds. We make a peace offering of warmth, gentleness, and sympathy from ourselves to ourselves, so that true healing can occur.

- Dr. Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion

(2) We're All in This Together

The emotion of compassion springs from the recognition that the human experience is imperfect. Why else would we say "it's only human" to comfort someone who has made a mistake? Self-compassion honors the fact that all human beings are fallible, that wrong choices and feelings of regret are inevitable, no matter how high and mighty one is.

When we're in touch with our common humanity, we remember that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are shared by all. This is what distinguishes self-compassion from self-pity. Whereas self-pity says "poor me", self-compassion remembers that everyone suffers, and it offers comfort because everyone is human. The pain I feel in difficult times is the same pain that you feel in difficult times. The triggers are different, the circumstances are different, the degree of pain is different, but the process in the same.

- Dr. Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion

(3) Being Mindful of What Is

We can't heal what we can't feel. As mentioned earlier, we often fail to recognize feelings of guilt, defectiveness, sadness, loneliness, and so on, as moments of suffering that can be responded to with compassion....

When we notice our pain without exaggerating it, this is a moment of mindfulness. Mindfulness is sometimes seen as a form of "meta-awareness", which means awareness of awareness. Instead of simply feeling anger, I am aware that I am now feeling anger...When we can see our situation with clarity and objectivity, we open the door to wisdom.

- Dr. Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion

Inui nefesh, affliction, according to the Torah she'b'al peh, refers to fasting. Abarbanel suggests a remarkable additional interpretation. Yom Hakipurim is, of course, a day devoted to teshuva. There is nothing casual about teshuva. Cheit represents betrayal, failure, hypocrisy, hubris, foolishness and rebelliousness. Cheit signifies the opportunities of life squandered. Teshuva involves recognition of cheit and its magnitude. And thus the self-awareness induced by teshuva is excruciating. Ultimately, teshuva culminates in the joy and elation of kaparaand rapprochement with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. But the path is paved with anguish.

When the Torah commands inui nefesh on Yom Hakipurim it speaks of this penitential, existential anguish as well.

Abarbanel's beautiful interpretation with its sensitive depiction of teshuva provides us with a means to monitor our teshuva efforts. If we are coasting along, singing ashamnu and "klapping" al cheit but not feeling anguish, we have yet to hit the mark. "Aval hacharata u'sheviras ha'lev v'ha'bechi zeh nachutz me'od v'ha'marbeh b'bechi b'mistarim meshubach - but [feeling] remorse, [having] a broken heart and crying are necessary. And one whom in private, cries effusively is praiseworth" (Nodah B'Yehuda, Mahadura Kamma, Orach Chaim 35.)

-R' Mayer Twersky, "Penitential Pains"

Integration

There are three barriers to growth. One is self-righteousness, the belief that we are already great. A second is false humility, the belief that we can never be great. The third is learned helplessness, the belief that we can’t change the world because we can’t change ourselves. All three are false. We are not yet great but we are summoned to greatness, and we can change. We can live lives of moral beauty and spiritual depth. We can open our eyes to the presence of God around us, incline our inner ear to the voice of God within us. We can bring blessings into other people’s lives.

- R' Jonathan Sacks