Heshbon HaNefesh
To uproot (falsehood) this illness of the soul you should train yourself in the qualities of humility, justice and silence.
Personal Accounting
By Alan Morinis
As the month of Elul rolls around again, drawing Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah closer, rabbis once again begin urging each of us to do a "cheshbon ha-nefesh," a personal acounting. They call on us to engage in a process of "accounting of the soul" to prepare ourselves for the High Holydays, when we will stand to give a reckoning of our lives over the past year.
Our introspection at this season can have great spiritual impact, even transforming our lives, but for that to happen, we need an inner gaze that is deep and honest. That's where "cheshbon ha-nefesh" comes in. Although the term gets used to describe any kind of inner stock-taking, there is a way to do this personal accounting that is systematic, thorough and very effective. Done like that, it provides clear knowledge of the forces and contours of your own inner landscape. That interior world of personality, thought, wisdom and emotions, along with its eternal essence, is what we know as "soul," and a rigorous process of soul-accounting delivers up the penetrating insight and change that are the very purpose of these Days of Awe.
The method of cheshbon ha-nefesh was first laid out in a book called, naturally enough, Cheshbon ha-Nefesh, written by Rabbi Menachem Mendel Leffin and published in Lvov, Ukraine in 1812. This book provides a refreshing experience for the modern reader because it offers a practical, step-by-step method of introspection and self-understanding that is much more like a self-help manual than a rabbinic treatise.
Doing an "accounting of the soul" is actually very simple. As a first step, you compose a list of thirteen qualities that you undertake to observe in yourself. The traits that belong on your list are those aspects of your inner life that tend to trip you up, in one way or another. Maybe you're already aware that you aren't too accurate in your speech, (which is something I've had trouble with in the past). Or maybe it's greed that sends you off in ways that don't yield up anything except a bad taste in your mouth. Is it arrogance that has you puffing up your ego like a peacock, or do you have the opposite tendency, allowing yourself too readily to be walked all over?
Can you identify your own strengths and weaknesses? "Weaknesses" might mean that you feel you've got too much of a trait, like anger for example, or it could be too little, like calmness. Too little anger (expressed as passion and vitality) is also a possibility. Any quality that could benefit from some measure of change belongs on your list. And if you already feel that you are adequately generous, for example, you've identified one trait you don't need on your list. Some traits will leap onto your list because they are all too well known to you, while others will need to be discovered.
Besides putting together this list, you have one more preparation to make. You have to provide yourself with a simple phrase that captures the ideal of each of the listed qualities. Look in a dictionary, in the Torah, or any other wisdom source, or just compose something yourself, so long as what you end up with accurately captures the essence of that particular quality. Here are some of the phrases that Rabbi Leffin gives us in Cheshbon ha-Nefesh:
For equanimity he writes: "Rise above events that are inconsequential - both bad and good - for they are not worth disturbing my peace of mind."
About decisiveness he says: "All of your acts should be preceded by deliberation; when you have reached a decision, act without delay."
And for righteousness he goes to the Talmud for "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor."
With your list of 13 qualities and a phrase to describe each one, now you're ready to begin the practice. You focus on one quality from your list for a full week, and really there are just two things you need to do
Every morning, soon after you have awakened, read over to yourself the reminder statement for the trait of that week. It might be helpful to set up your cards right beside your bed, or at another place where you are sure to see them and be reminded. I do yoga stretches and meditation every morning so I have my cards set up on the little table in my quiet room. The one for that week is at the front of the pile.
Read over the phrase of the week slowly and with full concentration. Read it aloud. Read it several times. Chant it. Go over this reminder in what ever way causes it to be so clearly illuminated in your mind that it seems to have been written in neon. Once you've really heard the phrase in so penetrating a way, go on with your day.
Of course, during the day you try to live up to the ideal stated on your reminder card, but not with strain or by repressing tendencies. Just do your best.
Then at bedtime, you'll do the second part of the practice. Keep a small notebook beside your bed, along with a pen, and just before you go to bed, reflect back over your day to see what you can identify that in any way reveals the presence of the single quality you are working on that week. Record all thoughts and experiences that relate to that particular quality.
Your notes should be brief, just an outline of the facts that reveal something of your characteristics. Focus especially on the role you played in events. Don't worry if what you write wouldn't pass as literature. No one but you ever need see this notebook. More important than the amount you write or the floweriness of the prose is the honesty you bring to your introspection. Shine a bright light on your day, and see what there is to see about that quality that is your focus for that week, and write down just what you need to record to clarify the facts of your motives, actions and reactions.
A quality may leap right out at you - you lost your temper with your kids, or you got coerced into saying yes to something that you know you shouldn't have taken on. Or you may have to think and probe a bit to uncover the imprint of your soul as it shaped your day. But if you were alive, it has to be there.
It is crucially important that you not beat up on yourself for your slip-ups, nor to heap praises on yourself for your victories. What you're after is just a factual and accurate picture of the play of your inner life as it shapes your thoughts, words and deeds in action. The details contain the underlying patterns that recur in your life, and by examining them, you get nothing less than a read-out on the contents of your unconscious, as these express themselves in the particulars of your life.
Say that the first quality on your list is "equanimity," just as it is in Rabbi Leffin's book. On the day that you begin the practice plus for the next six days, every morning when you arise you recite to yourself the phrase for equanimity: "Rise above events that are inconsequential - both bad and good - for they are not worth disturbing my peace of mind." Go over it several times or in different ways, until its message is really imprinted on your mind. You want to absorb the message in a deep and acute way.
Then, every evening that same week, record in your diary at bedtime those things that happened to you that day that reveal something about the presence or absence of equanimity in your experience. It may be big - "I got really upset when..." - or small - "I can recall the tiny twinge of disturbance that came up at..." Whatever it is, down it goes in writing.
Once you have completed seven days focused just on equanimity, now you leave equanimity behind and check your list to see what the next quality is. You put the reminder card for that quality at the front of the pile, ready to recite every morning of that week, while in the evenings you'll record only those matters related to that next quality on your list.
So it goes, through the thirteen weeks, at which point you will return right back to the first of the qualities on your list, back to "equanimity."
In the course of a year, you will go through that full set of thirteen qualities exactly four times, since four times thirteen equals fifty-two, the number of weeks in ayear. You will have spent a total of four weeks in the year reflecting on and learning about how each of your thirteen selected qualities plays its role in shaping your life.
Cheshbon ha-Nefesh done like this is simple but amazingly effective. I wrote about it in my recent book, "Climbing Jacob's Ladder," where I said, "The central point [of cheshbon ha-nefesh] is really to reveal to consciousness the contents of the unconscious mind. These are, by definition, hidden from us, and so no matter how hard we peer directly into our inner selves, we won't uncover anything of what lurks below the surface. But because the contents of our unconscious are perfectly reflected in the patterns of our deeds, certain images return night after night, and the patterns become unmistakable. We need this truth about ourselves to guide our steps on the path to deep, lasting, fulfilling transformation. And, in fact, as soon as we have brought to light those soul traits that might otherwise have continued to live in darkness, we have already begun to change."
Like an accountant reviewing a company's books, the "accounting of the soul" practice gives you all the tools you need to "audit" your inner life. You are guided to peek into the old shoeboxes and sort out the musty files of what lives in your deep interior in order to generate an accurate and transparent balance sheet of your life. The conscious mind now gains access to features of the unconscious, and becomes aware of the soul-traits that mold our everyday existence, including thoughts, feelings and actions. That's how cheshbon ha-nefesh works. It brings to light deep patterns that might otherwise remain hidden from us. This new awareness is crucial for the inner journey of the Days of Awe and sets us on course for the transformation and ascent we are called to make in this season.
Alan Morinis is the author of Climbing Jacob's Ladder: one man's journey to rediscover a Jewish spiritual tradition (Broadway Books, 2002). He can be visited at www.morinis.ca and contacted at [email protected] .
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from the July 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine
Truth
Orchot Tzaddikim
The soul is created of Holy breath as is written “and God breathed into the human’s nostrils the breath of life”. It is hewn from purity, and created from the supernal glow of the throne of glory. In that place, in that holy of holies there is no falsehood only truth as the verse says – YHVH Elohim is truth… One who contemplates this – how the soul is carved from the source of truth will certainly conduct all her affairs with honesty so not to bring falsehood into the holiness of truth.
The verse says “God is close to all those who call out to God in truth”. What is calling to God in truth? This is a person who empties her heart of everything in the world and approaches God alone… But a person whose prayer is only the movement of lips, who faces the wall but thinks of worldly affairs, who cries out with her mouth while her heart is elsewhere, who expects to be honored for the pleasing quality of her voice – these are not true service.
Among the categories of lying: One is when a person denies receiving a loan or a pledge, or testifies falsely and there are many examples of this.
Another is a person who lies in recounting things she has heard. She intentionally changes parts of the story despite the fact that there is no immediate gain for her in this nor does another person lose.
Another is a person who takes credit for qualities they do not have. Our rabbis taught – One who is honored because people think she knows two masechtot while she knows only one is obligated to say – I know only one.
Yet, there are situations where our teachers have allowed falsehood – for example, in order to make peace between two people.
Breslav – preparing for Rosh HaShanah
It is very important not to get into fights and arguments… even though it may seem to you that justice is on your side, that you must enter this fight and argument, that you are called upon to support the truth. No my children, do not enter fights and arguments… use the opportunity to work on yourself. Remind yourself of the verse (Zecharia 8:19) “love truth and peace” for truth goes only with peace – those two are loving friends. So wherever you see people fighting with each other, know my children – there is no truth there.
(ג) וְיֵשׁ דֵּעוֹת שֶׁאָסוּר לוֹ לָאָדָם לִנְהֹג בָּהֶן בְּבֵינוֹנִית אֶלָּא יִתְרַחֵק מִן הַקָּצֶה הָאֶחָד עַד הַקָּצֶה הָאַחֵר. וְהוּא גֹּבַהּ לֵב. שֶׁאֵין דֶּרֶךְ הַטּוֹבָה שֶׁיִּהְיֶה אָדָם עָנָו בִּלְבַד אֶלָּא שֶׁיִּהְיֶה שְׁפַל רוּחַ וְתִהְיֶה רוּחוֹ נְמוּכָה לִמְאֹד. וּלְפִיכָךְ נֶאֱמַר בְּמשֶׁה רַבֵּנוּ (במדבר יב ג) "עָנָו מְאֹד" וְלֹא נֶאֱמַר עָנָו בִּלְבַד. וּלְפִיכָךְ צִוּוּ חֲכָמִים מְאֹד מְאֹד הֱוֵי שְׁפַל רוּחַ. וְעוֹד אָמְרוּ שֶׁכָּל הַמַּגְבִּיהַּ לִבּוֹ כָּפַר בָּעִקָּר שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (דברים ח יד) "וְרָם לְבָבֶךָ וְשָׁכַחְתָּ אֶת ה' אֱלֹקֶיךָ".
(3) There are temperaments with regard to which a person is forbidden to follow the middle path. You should move away from one extreme and adopt the other. Among these is arrogance. If you are only humble, you are not following a good path. Rather, you must hold yourself lowly and be of very unassuming spirit. That is why Numbers 12:3 describes our teacher Moses as "very humble" and not simply "humble". Therefore, our Sages directed: "Hold yourself very, very lowly." Also, they declared: "Whoever is arrogant is as if they deny God's presence, as implied by Deuteronomy 8:14: 'And your heart will be haughty and you will forget God, your Lord.'
Orchot Tsadikim, Anavah
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There are various ways humility can be recognized: One is the strength of your anger. If you can control yourself, and forgive for the sake of the Blessed Creator- this is a sign of humility.
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Also when a great loss happens – If you can justify the Blessed Creator and accept it with love – this is a strong indicator of humility.
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Another sign is; if you hear people praise you for you wisdom and good deeds and rather than rejoice in that, you think how little you have actually done relative to what you should be doing.
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If you are critical of yourself for hurting another person, and go and ask forgiveness without other people telling you to do so, and if you do so in a submissive manner and fix what you have wronged – this is also a sign of humility.
Or Torah
There are two kinds of sin. The first is when it happens that a person transgresses God’s will. The second is a person who takes pride in the way she serves God. Regarding the first type it is possible that a person be inspired to repent and indeed do so. With the sin of pride however, even if a person is inspired to repent they might be proud of that… It is a quality that totally blocks the person from serving God.
Likutim Yekarim
There is a principle that things that a person does not respect will be disregarded and will deteriorate. So if you belittle yourself and are convinced that your prayer and study have no value, if you treat your work and service as worthless, you will certainly lose the achievements you have and fall to a worse and lower rung. This is the reason that righteous people will at times take pride in their achievements.
R Kook, Mussar Avicha
Any person who searches her soul deeply working on the quality of pride must make an important distinction. You must be able to distinguish the corrupt feeling of arrogance which contradicts your own best interest and the will of your creator, from the refined feeling which expands your consciousness and reminds you of the glorious and beautiful nature of your spirit. Often, when your heart fills with courage, at first glance the feeling looks a lot like arrogance. Yet careful examination will reveal that the source of power that fills you is the Divine light shining in your soul. Those are moments when you witness the honor, the pride of God. Detaching yourself from this pride, beyond not doing your soul any good will actually diminish the strengths of your spirit and will result in anguish. The resulting sadness and depression distance you from God rather than bringing you closer.
§ The Gemara goes back to discuss the Day of Judgment. Rabbi Kruspedai said that Rabbi Yoḥanan said: Three books are opened on Rosh HaShana before the Holy Blessed One: One of wholly wicked people, and one of wholly righteous people, and one of middling people whose good and bad deeds are equally balanced. Wholly righteous people are immediately written and sealed for life; wholly wicked people are immediately written and sealed for death; and middling people are left with their judgment suspended from Rosh HaShana until Yom Kippur, their fate remaining undecided. If they merit, through the good deeds and mitzvot that they perform during this period, they are written for life; if they do not so merit, they are written for death.
ממסורת הבעש"ט
I heard from my teacher that prayer is a name of the Shechinah (the divine presence), as it says: "and I(am) prayer°. (Psalms 109:4) It is further explained that when a person prays her intention should be towards uniting the Shechinah and her spouse, as opposed to intending some personal benefit. A person with the latter intention is living out the verse “God has put me in the hands of one who will never allow me to rise*.(Lamentations, 1) My teacher further explained that when a person prays for some personal material benefit they create a separating screen by mixing the corporeal and the spiritual and this prayer cannot be answered.
"Do not be like servants who serve the master in order to receive a reward. Be rather like servants who serve the master not for a reward.” (Avot 1) There is another version: in order not to receive a reward. I heard from my grandfather of blessed memory that both versions are correct and that they express different levels in the service of God. ... The other level is comparable to a person who has a burning desire to converse with the king. The king decreed that he would grant any request presented to him. Now, this person whose wish and desire it is to converse with the king when he brings a specific request before the king is afraid that the request will be granted, and he would have cease visiting the king. Therefore he really prefers that his request not be granted so he will have reason to come again and again before the king... This is the meaning of - in order not to receive a reward.
I heard from my master of blessed memory that righteous people function as the messengers of the divine queen. Through their own suffering and what they lack, they know what the Shechinah lacks. They thus know to pray that these needs be provided to the Shechinah and through this bring together the Holy Blessed One and the Shechinah. That is the significance of prayer. Thus the old question, what use is prayer since the Blessed One already knows what a person needs, is no longer relevant. As my master explained, prayer serves a divine need. A person can recognize her own suffering as deriving from the suffering of the Shechinah and pray that the needs of the Shechinah be provided. The righteous are messengers of the divine queen, so through this process, that which the person needs will also be provided - but that cannot be the intention of prayer. Pray only for the Shechinah.
In the holy book, Toldot Ya'akov Yoseseph, there is an explanation of the rabbinic teaching – "three books are opened on Rosh Hashanah, etc”. Three new books are opened on Rosh HaShanah and every person writes his or herself into whichever book they choose. If a person takes upon herself to be counted among the righteous, to fulfill her role and destiny in the world from this time onwards - this is the process of being written and sealed in the book of life. The same applies to those who are in between” and wicked. If a person does not take on their role and destiny in life for the coming year - what role do they have in the world?
Prayer regarding community:
By Rabbi Ebn Leader
(Based on Likutei Tefilot A13)
Please Rahamana,
Let there always be love and great peace between us. Let us be inclusive to each other, let us awaken each other, let us remind each other to honestly turn towards you. Let us remind each other to overcome and get rid of our bad qualities and tendencies, and to acquire all the good qualities and do what is good and right in your eyes our entire life. And if any one of us lacks anything in terms of good qualities or overcoming bad tendencies may we be privileged to mention this to our friend and to awaken and support and strengthen her attempts to fix this completely, transforming life.
May we all return to you in complete teshuvah, and fix everything we have done wrong from childhood to this very day. And from this point on help us truly live in accordance with your good will, straying neither right nor left.
May we live beneath your gaze.
Prayer regarding prayer:
By Rabbi Ebn Leader
(Based on Likutei Tefilot A15 and A98)
Ribbono Shel Olam,
Please in your great compassion, may I be privileged to pray to you honestly, and bring my whole self to prayer.
May I be privileged to speak honestly with you throughout the day.
May the need to share all my thoughts with you rise in my heart, and may I articulate my thoughts as prayers and requests.
May this articulation of words of prayer and requests that come from the depths of my heart help bring to light and give expression to the good that is hidden within me. May the expression of the good within me help me overcome my less good tendencies, and help me move from darkness into light.
May I be privileged to throw my whole self into prayer.
But Ribbono Shel Olam,
You know the truth, and you know how difficult this is for me. There is so much confusion and so many obstacles along the way... Sometimes through your great compassion you give me a few words and I begin to articulate my thoughts and share my pain with you but then I get stuck in the middle of a sentence, and I am left confused and silenced... just as I began to speak I was suddenly left with no words, my heart was closed and I was all confused... I don’t know what to do – it feels as if I have turned away from you (Heaven forbid), and you are hiding your face from me...
I know that you have told us that this is all about trust, but I don’t know how to fix it, what I can do so that you turn your face back towards me and that I return to you...
When will I achieve that honest and strong trust that will allow me to articulate my thoughts to you, to talk with you face to face as a person talks with a friend, when there is nothing separating us?
Prayer about yearning:
By Rabbi Ebn Leader
(Based on Likutei Tefilot A31)
Ribbono Shel Olam,
I am constantly in need of you for help and rescue... May I be privileged to experience holy longing. I want to yearn and long for you all the time, to really feel the lack of not serving, fearing and loving you. I wish that all day long my desires and hopes and longing and yearning would all be directed towards you, and towards serving you honestly.
Ribbono Shel Olam,
honestly, I am so far from you right now that I don’t even have the words to describe how distant I feel. The only thing going for me now is this longing and yearning and missing you, hoping for your salvation and compassion. You know, real tzaddikim have told us that holy yearning and longing are good in and of themselves. You are my God, the God of my ancestors, and I know you want me to get better and you push me towards salvation. Please, in your great compassion help me develop the habit of yearning and longing for you at all times. Help me approach this honestly and wholeheartedly.
Prayer regarding patience:
By Rabbi Ebn Leader
(Based on Likutei Tefilot A84)
Rahamana,
Help me break my tendency towards anger. Help me practice patience in all aspects of my life and overcome my anger. I don't want to be angry or respond harshly to anything... I just want to be able to serve you honestly and simply, and to have total trust in you.
I want that trust to help me overcome and defeat my heaviness and procrastination, the obstacles that exist in my mind and obstacles that exist in the world, depression and strange thoughts and all sorts of confusion and destructive mind sets. Please in your great compassion and grace help me overcome all of those. May I be privileged to acquire real patience. Help me be patient with all the obstacles and confusions that come my way so they do not distract me. So that I am not bothered by them at all but can just do my thing - study torah, pray and do good things in the world with joy and enthusiasm. Help me not respond with impatience to anything.
Help me connect to the holy power of growth and development that derives from trust in you. May I grow and develop in your service and not suffer from anything that happens. Help me bring to completion everything I wholeheartedly begin in the service of God, Torah and good deeds.
Prayer about honor:
By Rabbi Ebn Leader
(Based on Likutei Tefilot A11 and A6)
HaShem, Melech HaKavod,
You created the whole world as an expression of your glory and honor, help me live my life so that your honor is enhanced and praised and uplifted through it. Help me get out of the way, help me be less and less concerned with my own honor until it becomes insignificant to me and I pay it no attention at all. Let enhancing respect for you be what is important to me. Help me direct all my thoughts and intentions and actions towards enhancing your blessed honor.
In your great compassion help me overcome and get rid of my arrogance, and be privileged to achieve real humility. Grant me real wisdom and understanding of the various ways humility plays out. Help me avoid humility that is serving other purposes, or humility that serves my own honor because that is just another form of arrogance. Help me not fall into the trap of behaving humbly so that people respect me for that... Have compassion on me, help me find some real honest humility.
Help me honestly avoid honor, care less my own honor while enhancing the glory of God. May your great honor flow through me, may I merit [to live] God's holy honor, but only for your sake - not for me at all... Help me use honor only for your sake, for serving you and through this help me avoid conflicts over honor.
A Prayer regarding balance:
By Rabbi Ebn Leader
(Based on Likutei Tefilot B39)
Ribbono Shel Olam,
Open my heart in the study of Torah. May I be privileged to know and understand the depth and the beauty and the sweetness of your Torah that is holy and pure and complete. Please be my teacher and instructor at all times and help me learn also how to really practice not-studying-Torah which upholds Torah. Help me study Torah day and night with great consistency and know and identify the times when it is necessary not to study. Help me do each in its correct time and context and duration.
Master of all,
You gave the gift of Torah to us, to mere mortals, flesh and blood, and we have to stop studying sometimes... We need time to eat and drink and sleep in order to sustain our bodies, we need to make a living and attend to other necessities. Sometimes we need to stop studying just to open our minds so we don’t get confused and disoriented from too much study.
The truth is that your holy Torah is so sweet and so beautiful that I shouldn’t want to spend even one moment away from studying it. It is a source of life and fulfillment and why would I step away from real life for even a moment? But you revealed the secret to us: It is not desirable or possible to never stop studying...