Lashon Hara and Relationships

Regardless of whether the slander is spoken in the presence of his fellow, or in his absence, or if the slander spread from mouth to mouth cause harm to his fellow, to his body, or property, even to cause him anguish, or fear to his soul, behold this is the iniquity of an evil tongue. If such evil be spoken in the presence of three persons, the matter is thereby considered public. Thus, if one of the three who heard it repeat it to others no sin of an evil tongue is found therein, provided that in re-telling it he had no intention to spread the rumor and advertise it still more.⁷Arakin, 16b. C. G.

(8) This issur of lashon hara obtains whether it is actually spoken by mouth or stated in a letter. There is also no difference whether he speaks it explicitly or by sign. In all modes, it is in the category of lashon hara.

(1) If one wishes to satisfy the demands of Heaven vis-à-vis hearing, let him deport himself thus: If one comes to him and wishes to tell him about his friend, and he understands that he wishes to say something demeaning about him, let him ask at the outset: "What you want to tell me, might it affect me in the future, or might I [by hearing it] be able to correct things by reproof, or the like?" If he answers him in the affirmative, he is permitted to hear it. And he may not believe it as of yet, but only suspect, until the thing be probed. But if he understands from his answer that no benefit will be derived by the hearing, or that the speaker only wishes to vent his wrath against the one spoken about by acrimoniously imputing evil to him in the greatness of his hatred of him, it is forbidden even to hear.

(1) And sometimes it is a mitzvah to hear one's speaking demeaningly of his friend, as when he feels that by hearing the story completely, he might be able thereafter to show the speaker or the other listeners that what was said about him was not true, or other things in his favor. And there are yet other circumstances in which it is a mitzvah to hear. As when one comes before him to complain against his friend for something he has done against him, and he knows that by listening to him he might assuage his wrath so that he will not repeat the story to others (for perhaps the others would believe him and thereby be "accepters of lashon hara"), and by this he would "increase peace in Israel." But in all of the heterim that we have mentioned in respect to hearing, he must take great care not to believe what he hears categorically, but only to "suspect," so that he, too, not be ensnared in the net of the acceptance of lashon hara.

Rather, the question is: What is the reason that they (hands) are pointed like pegs? It is so that if a person hears an inappropriate matter, he will place his fingers in his ears. Similarly, a Sage of the school of Rabbi Yishmael taught: Why is the entire ear hard and the earlobe soft? It is so that if a person hears an inappropriate matter, he will bend his earlobe into his ear to seal it. The Sages taught: A person should not allow his ears to hear idle matters.