Intimacy and sexuality in Jewish sources

§ In connection to the above incident concerning the poverty of scholars and their potential to become wealthy through remarkable circumstances, the Gemara relates an incident: Rabbi Akiva became betrothed to the daughter of bar Kalba Savua. When bar Kalba Savua heard about their betrothal, he took a vow prohibiting her from eating all of his property. Despite this, she went ahead and married Rabbi Akiva. In the winter they would sleep in a storehouse of straw, and Rabbi Akiva would gather strands of straw from her hair. He said to her: If I had the means I would place on your head a Jerusalem of Gold, a type of crown. Elijah the prophet came and appeared to them as a regular person and started calling and knocking on the door. He said to them: Give me a bit of straw, as my wife gave birth and I do not have anything on which to lay her. Rabbi Akiva said to his wife: See this man, who does not even have straw. We should be happy with our lot, as we at least have straw to sleep on. She said to him: Go and be a student of Torah. He went and studied Torah for twelve years before Rabbi Eliezer and Rabbi Yehoshua. At the completion of the twelve years, he was coming home when he heard from behind his house that one wicked person was saying to his wife: Your father behaved well toward you. He was right to disinherit you. One reason is that your husband is not similar to you, i.e., he is not suitable for you. And furthermore, he has left you in widowhood in his lifetime all these years. She said to him: If he listens to me, he should be there for another twelve years. Rabbi Akiva said: Since she has given me permission through this statement, I will go back and study more. He turned back and went to the study hall, and he was there for another twelve years. Eventually he came back accompanied by 24,000 pairs of students. Everyone went out to greet him, as he was by then a renowned teacher, and she too arose to go out to greet him. That wicked person said to her: And to where are you going? As she was excessively poor, she was not dressed in a grand manner, as fit for the wife of one so esteemed. She said to him: “A righteous man regards the life of his beast” (Proverbs 12:10); he knows that I am in this state as a result of my dedication to him. She came to present herself before Rabbi Akiva, but the Sages tried to fend her off, as they were unaware of her identity. He said to them: Leave her. Both my Torah knowledge and yours are hers.

(1) במראת הצבאת OF THE MIRRORS OF THE WOMEN CROWDING — The Israelitish women possessed mirrors of copper into which they used to look when they adorned themselves. Even these did they not hesitate to bring as a contribution towards the Tabernacle. Now Moses was about to reject them since they were made to pander to their vanity, but the Holy One, blessed be He, said to him, “Accept them; these are dearer to Me than all the other contributions, because through them the women reared those huge hosts in Egypt!” For when their husbands were tired through the crushing labour they used to bring them food and drink and induced them to eat. Then they would take the mirrors, and each gazed at herself in her mirror together with her husband, saying endearingly to him, “See, I am handsomer than you!” Thus they awakened their husbands’ affection and subsequently became the mothers of many children, at it is said, (Song 8:5) “I awakened thy love under the apple-tree”, (referring to the fields where the men worked). This is what it refers to when it states, מראות הצבאת “the mirrors of the women who reared the hosts (צבאות)”

Our Rabbis taught: The hillazon resembles the sea in its colour, and in shape it resembles a fish; it appears once in seventy years, and with its blood one dyes the blue thread; and therefore it is so expensive. It was taught: R. Nathan said, There is not a single precept in the Torah, even the lightest, whosereward is not enjoyed in this world; and as to its reward in the future world I know not how great it is. Go and learn this from the precept of zizith. ... Once a man, who was very scrupulous about the precept of zizith, heard of a certain harlot in one of the towns by the sea who accepted four hundred gold [denars] for her hire. He sent her four hundred gold [denars] and appointed a day with her. When the day arrived he came and waited at her door, and her maid came and told her, ... ‘That man who sent you four hundred gold [denars] is here and waiting at the door’; to which she replied ‘Let him come in’. When he came in she prepared for him seven beds, six of silver and one of gold; and between one bed and the other there were steps of silver, but the last were of gold. She then went up to the top bed and lay down upon it naked. He too went up after her in his desire to sit naked with her, when all of a sudden the four fringes [of his garment] struck him across the face; whereupon he slipped off and sat upon the ground. She also slipped off and sat upon the ground and said, ‘By the Roman Capitol, I will not leave you alone until you tell me what blemish you saw in me. He replied, ‘By the Temple’, ‘never have I seen a woman as beautiful as you are; but there is one precept which the Lord our God has commanded us, it is called zizith, and with regard to it the expression ‘I am the Lord your God’ is twice written, signifying, I am He who will exact punishment in the future, and I am He who will give reward in the future. Now [the zizith] appeared to me as four witnesses [testifying against me]’. She said, ... ‘I will not leave you until you tell me your name, the name of your town, the name of your teacher, the name of your school in which you study the Torah’. He wrote all this down and handed it to her. ... Thereupon she arose and divided her estate into three parts; one third for the government,7 one third to be distributed among the poor, and one third she took with her in her hand; the bed clothes, however, she retained. She then came to the Beth Hamidrash of R. Hiyya, and said to him, ... ‘Master, give instructions about me that they make me a proselyte’. He replied: ‘My daughter, perhaps you have set your eyes on one of the disciples?’ She thereupon took out the script and handed it to him. He said: ‘Go, and enjoy your acquisition’. Those very bed-clothes which she had spread for him for an illicit purpose she now spread out for him lawfully. This is the reward [of the precept] in this world; and as for its reward in the future world I know not how great it is.

The Gemara asks: What is the meaning of the phrase: She eats, in this context? Rav Naḥman said: It means literally that she eats with him once a week. Rav Ashi said: This is referring to sexual relations.

f. MISHNA: With regard to one who vows that his wife may not derive benefit from marital relations with him, Beit Shammai say: He may maintain this situation for up to two weeks, but beyond that he must divorce her and give her the payment for her marriage contract. Beit Hillel say: He must divorce her if it continues beyond one week. Apropos the husband’s obligation to his wife regarding marital relations, the Gemara mentions other aspects of this issue: Students may leave their homes and travel in order to learn Torah without their wives’ permission for up to thirty days, and laborers may leave their homes without their wives’ permission for up to one week. The set interval defining the frequency of a husband’s conjugal obligation to his wife stated in the Torah (see Exodus 21:10), unless the couple stipulated otherwise, varies according to the man’s occupation and proximity to his home: Men of leisure, who do not work, must engage in marital relations every day, laborers must do so twice a week, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers once every thirty days, and sailors once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer.

(14) Marital relations are included in the obligation of enjoyment of the Shabbat. Therefore Torah scholars fulfill their marital obligations once a week, on the Shabbat.

(9) He must give her [an allowance of] a ma'ah [a specific unit of money] of silver for her [weekly] needs, and she eats with him every Shabbat eve.

A man's wife is permitted to him. Therefore a man may do whatever he desires with his wife. He may engage in relations whenever he desires, kiss any organ he desires engage in vaginal or anal intercourse or engage in physical intimacy without relations.

Nevertheless, it is pious conduct for a person not to act frivolously concerning such matters and to sanctify himself at the time of relations, as explained in Hilchot Deot He should not depart from the ordinary pattern of the world. For this act was [given to us] solely for the sake of procreation.

(a) Inference: It is forbidden to have Bi'ah Lo k’Darkah.

(b) Question #1 - Citation (Nedarim 20b): A woman [complained] to Rebbi "I set the table for my husband, and he reversed it!"

1. Rebbi told her that the Torah permitted her to him. We conclude that this is the Halachah;

2. "Reversed" is [a euphemism for Bi'ah] Lo k’Darkah. [She complained] because this pains her;

i. We learn from "va'Yishkav Otah va'Y'aneha" – he pained her through Lo k’Darkah. It says also "Im Ta'aneh Et Benotai" – Lo k’Darkah.

3. If "reversed" meant that she was on top and he was on bottom, she would not complain about this!

(c) Question #2: In Sanhedrin (58b) it says a Nochri who has Bi'ah with his wife Lo k’Darkah is Chayav Mitah;

1. Citation (58b) Question: Do we ever find something that a Yisrael is not liable for it, and a Nochri ] is liable for it?!

2. Explanation: "Not liable" means that it is permitted for a Yisrael. If it were forbidden for a Yisrael, it would be fine that a Nochri is Chayav Mitah for it (even though a Yisrael is not), for anything Nochrim are warned about (forbidden), they are Chayav Mitah for it, e.g. theft and other matters.

(d) Answer #1 (Ri): There, we discuss without ejaculation of semen. It is permitted. Since no semen is wasted, it is unlike Ma'aseh Er v'Onan.

(e) Answer #2 (Ri): It is considered like Ma'aseh Er v'Onan only when he intends to waste seed, and does so regularly. If it is a mere occurrence, and he desires to have Bi'ah with his wife Lo k’Darkah, it is permitted;

1. Source – Citation (Nedarim 20b): One may do with his wife whatever he wants;

i. A parable for this is meat from the butcher or fish from the hunter. One may eat it like he desires, e.g. roasted, cooked or half cooked (some say – overcooked).

8) TOSFOS DH ha'Torah Chasah Al Tacshitei Kalah

(12) Similarly, the sages forbade a man to have marital relations while thinking of another woman. Nor may he initiate sex while drunk, nor out of spite or hatred, nor may he rape her or initiate sex while she is afraid. Nor may they have sex while either of them are excommunicated nor after he has decided to divorce her. If [the husband] does any of those things, the children will not be proper [citizens] but brazen, rebellious [people] and criminals.