Marriage, Companionship and Sex

(ו) הַמַּדִּיר אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ מִתַּשְׁמִישׁ הַמִּטָּה, בֵּית שַׁמַּאי אוֹמְרִים, שְׁתֵּי שַׁבָּתוֹת. בֵּית הִלֵּל אוֹמְרִים, שַׁבָּת אֶחָת. הַתַּלְמִידִים יוֹצְאִין לְתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה שֶׁלֹּא בִרְשׁוּת, שְׁלֹשִׁים יוֹם. הַפּוֹעֲלִים, שַׁבָּת אֶחָת. הָעוֹנָה הָאֲמוּרָה בַתּוֹרָה, הַטַּיָּלִין, בְּכָל יוֹם. הַפּוֹעֲלִים, שְׁתַּיִם בַּשַּׁבָּת. הַחַמָּרִים, אַחַת בַּשַּׁבָּת. הַגַּמָּלִים, אַחַת לִשְׁלֹשִׁים יוֹם. הַסַּפָּנִים, אַחַת לְשִׁשָּׁה חֳדָשִׁים, דִּבְרֵי רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר:

Mishnah Ketubot 5:6

(6) One who, by vow, interdicts his wife from intercourse, Beit Shammai say, [she must wait] two weeks. Beit Hillel say one week. Students who leave for the purpose of studying Torah without the consent of their wives [have] thirty days; laborers, one week. [The law of providing sexual] pleasure [to one's wife] that is stated in the Torah [is as follows]: one at leisure, daily; laborers, twice a week; donkey drivers, once a week; camel drivers, once every thirty days; navigators every six months; these are the words of Rabbi Eliezer.

משנה כתובות ה׳:ז׳-ט׳

(ז) הַמּוֹרֶדֶת עַל בַּעְלָהּ, פּוֹחֲתִין לָהּ מִכְּתֻבָּתָהּ שִׁבְעָה דִינָרִין בַּשַּׁבָּת. רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר, שִׁבְעָה טַרְפְּעִיקִין. עַד מָתַי הוּא פוֹחֵת, עַד כְּנֶגֶד כְּתֻבָּתָהּ. רַבִּי יוֹסֵי אוֹמֵר, לְעוֹלָם הוּא פוֹחֵת וְהוֹלֵךְ, שֶׁמָּא תִפּוֹל לָהּ יְרֻשָּׁה מִמָּקוֹם אַחֵר, גּוֹבֶה הֵימֶנָּה. וְכֵן הַמּוֹרֵד עַל אִשְׁתּוֹ, מוֹסִיפִין לָהּ עַל כְּתֻבָּתָהּ שְׁלֹשָׁה דִינָרִין בַּשַּׁבָּת. רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר, שְׁלֹשָׁה טַרְפְּעִיקִין:

(ח) הַמַּשְׁרֶה אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ עַל יְדֵי שָׁלִישׁ, לֹא יִפְחֹת לָהּ מִשְּׁנֵי קַבִּין חִטִּין, אוֹ מֵאַרְבָּעָה קַבִּין שְׂעוֹרִים...

(ט) נוֹתֵן לָהּ מָעָה כֶסֶף לְצָרְכָּהּ, וְאוֹכֶלֶת עִמּוֹ מִלֵּילֵי שַׁבָּת לְלֵילֵי שַׁבָּת.

Mishnah Ketubot 5:7-9

(7) [With regard to a wife] who rebels against her husband, we reduce her ketubah by seven dinar [a specific unit of money] every week. Rabbi Yehudah says "[By] seven tarpe'ikin [a unit of money worth half a dinar]." Until when does [the husband continue to] reduce [it]? Until [it reaches] the value her ketubah. Rabbi Yossi says, "He continues to reduce, perhaps inheritance will fall to her from another source, [and] he can collect from it." Similarly, [with regard to a husband] who rebels against his wife, we increase her ketubah by three dinar every week. Rabbi Yehudah says "[By] three tarpe'ikin."

(8) One who provides for his wife through a third party, he may not [provide] her with less than two kav [a specific unit of volume] of wheat or four kav of barley [a week]...

(9) He must give her [an allowance of] a ma'ah [a specific unit of money] of silver for her [weekly] needs, and she eats with him every Shabbat eve.

כתובות ס״ה ב:ה׳

נותן לה מעה כסף וכו': מאי אוכלת רב נחמן אמר אוכלת ממש רב אשי אמר תשמיש

Ketubot 65b:5

§ The mishna teaches that he gives her a silver ma’a, and she eats with him from one Shabbat evening to the next. The Gemara asks: What is the meaning of the phrase: She eats, in this context? Rav Naḥman said: It means literally that she eats with him once a week. Rav Ashi said: This is referring to sexual relations.

כתובות ס״ב א:א׳

אורחא דמילתא כמה?

אמר רב חדש כאן וחדש בבית שנאמר לכל דבר המחלקות הבאה והיוצאת חדש בחדש לכל חדשי השנה

ורבי יוחנן אמר חדש כאן ושנים בביתו שנאמר חדש יהיו בלבנון שנים חדשים בביתו

Ketubot 62a:1

The Gemara explains its query: Although a man can legally make any agreement with his wife to limit her conjugal rights, how much is an acceptable manner for this matter? Rav said: The husband may spend a month here, in the study hall, and then must spend a month at home. The allusion to this is as it is stated with regard to reserve units serving in King David’s army: “In any matter of the courses, which came in and went out month by month throughout all the months of the year” (I Chronicles 27:1). And Rabbi Yoḥanan said: He may spend one month here, in the study hall, and then two months in his home, as it is stated with regard to workers who worked in the construction of the Temple: “A month they were in Lebanon, and two months at home” (I Kings 5:28).

כתובות ס״ב א:ו׳-ט׳

הטיילין בכל יום: מאי טיילין?

אמר רבא בני פירקי

א"ל אביי מאן דכתיב בהו (תהלים קכז, ב) שוא לכם משכימי קום מאחרי שבת אוכלי לחם העצבים כן יתן לידידו שנא ואמר רב יצחק אלו נשותיהן של ת"ח שמנדדות שינה מעיניהם בעוה"ז ובאות לחיי העוה"ב ואת אמרת בני פירקי

אלא אמר אביי כדרב דאמר רב כגון רב שמואל בר שילת דאכיל מדידיה ושתי מדידיה וגני בטולא דאפדניה ולא חליף פריסתקא דמלכא אבביה

והפועלים שתים בשבת: והתניא הפועלים אחת בשבת? א"ר יוסי ברבי חנינא לא קשיא כאן בעושין מלאכה בעירן כאן בעושין מלאכה בעיר אחרת

תניא נמי הכי הפועלים שתים בשבת במה דברים אמורים בעושין מלאכה בעירן אבל בעושין מלאכה בעיר אחרת אחת בשבת:

Ketubot 62a:6-9

§ The mishna said that men of leisure must engage in marital relations with their wives every day. The Gemara asks: What is meant by the term men of leisure? Rava said: These are students of Torah who go daily to review their lectures at a local study hall and return home each evening. Abaye said to him: Wives of Torah scholars are those about whom it is written: “It is vain for you to rise early and sit up late, you that eat the bread of toil, so He gives to His beloved in sleep” (Psalms 127:2), and Rabbi Yitzḥak said in explanation of this verse: These are the wives of Torah scholars who deprive their eyes of sleep in this world and reach the life of the World-to-Come. This indicates that Torah scholars exert themselves greatly in their studies and are not home in the evenings, and you say that the students reviewing their lectures are men of leisure, whose wives have conjugal rights for every night? Rather, Abaye said: The mishna should be explained in accordance with the opinion of Rav, as Rav said: This is referring to a man such as Rabbi Shmuel bar Sheilat, who ate his own food, drank his own drinks, slept in the shade of his own house, and the king’s tax collector [peristaka] did not pass by his door, as they did not know that he was a man of means. A man like this, who has a steady income and no worries, is called a man of leisure. § The mishna said: The set interval for laborers to fulfill their conjugal obligations to their wives is twice a week. The Gemara asks: Isn’t it taught in a baraita: For laborers, once a week? Rabbi Yosei, son of Rabbi Ḥanina, said: This is not difficult: Here, the case is where they work in their own city. There, the case is where they work in another city. This is also taught in the Tosefta (5:6): For laborers, twice a week. In what case is this statement said? It is when they work in their own city, but when they work in another city, the set interval for their conjugal obligations is once a week.

כתובות ס״ב ב:ג׳-ט״ו

אמר רב ברונא אמר רב הלכה כר"א אמר רב אדא בר אהבה אמר רב זו דברי ר' אליעזר אבל חכמים אומרים התלמידים יוצאין לת"ת ב' וג' שנים שלא ברשות

אמר רבא סמכו רבנן אדרב אדא בר אהבה ועבדי עובדא בנפשייהו

כי הא דרב רחומי הוה שכיח קמיה דרבא במחוזא הוה רגיל דהוה אתי לביתיה כל מעלי יומא דכיפורי יומא חד משכתיה שמעתא הוה מסכיא דביתהו השתא אתי השתא אתי לא אתא חלש דעתה אחית דמעתא מעינה הוה יתיב באיגרא אפחית איגרא מתותיה ונח נפשיה

עונה של תלמידי חכמים אימת? אמר רב יהודה אמר שמואל מע"ש לע"ש (תהלים א, ג) אשר פריו יתן בעתו

אמר רב יהודה ואיתימא רב הונא ואיתימא רב נחמן זה המשמש מטתו מע"ש לע"ש

יהודה בריה דר' חייא חתניה דר' ינאי הוה אזיל ויתיב בבי רב וכל בי שמשי הוה אתי לביתיה וכי הוה אתי הוה קא חזי קמיה עמודא דנורא

יומא חד משכתיה שמעתא כיון דלא חזי ההוא סימנא אמר להו רבי ינאי כפו מטתו שאילמלי יהודה קיים לא ביטל עונתו

הואי (קהלת י, ה) כשגגה שיוצא מלפני השליט ונח נפשיה

רבי איעסק ליה לבריה בי רבי חייא כי מטא למיכתב כתובה

נח נפשה דרביתא אמר רבי ח"ו פסולא איכא יתיבו ועיינו במשפחות רבי אתי משפטיה בן אביטל ורבי חייא אתי משמעי אחי דוד

אזיל איעסק ליה לבריה בי ר' יוסי בן זימרא פסקו ליה תרתי סרי שנין למיזל בבי רב אחלפוה קמיה אמר להו ניהוו שית שנין אחלפוה קמיה אמר להו איכניס והדר איזיל הוה קא מכסיף מאבוה א"ל בני דעת קונך יש בך מעיקרא כתיב (שמות טו, יז) תביאמו ותטעמו ולבסוף כתיב (שמות כה, ח) ועשו לי מקדש ושכנתי בתוכם

אזיל יתיב תרתי סרי שני בבי רב עד דאתא איעקרא דביתהו אמר רבי היכי נעביד נגרשה יאמרו ענייה זו לשוא שימרה נינסיב איתתא אחריתי יאמרו זו אשתו וזו זונתו בעי עלה רחמי ואיתסיאת:

רבי חנניה בן חכינאי הוה קאזיל לבי רב בשילהי הלוליה דר"ש בן יוחאי א"ל איעכב לי עד דאתי בהדך לא איעכבא ליה

אזל יתיב תרי סרי שני בבי רב עד דאתי אישתנו שבילי דמתא ולא ידע למיזל לביתיה

אזל יתיב אגודא דנהרא שמע לההיא רביתא דהוו קרו לה בת חכינאי בת חכינאי מלי קולתך ותא ניזיל

אמר ש"מ האי רביתא דידן

אזל בתרה

הוה יתיבא דביתהו קא נהלה קמחא דל עינה חזיתיה סוי לבה פרח רוחה

אמר לפניו רבש"ע ענייה זו זה שכרה בעא רחמי עלה וחייה

רבי חמא בר ביסא אזיל יתיב תרי סרי שני בבי מדרשא כי אתא אמר לא איעביד כדעביד בן חכינאי עייל יתיב במדרשא שלח לביתיה אתא ר' אושעיא בריה יתיב קמיה הוה קא משאיל ליה שמעתא חזא דקא מתחדדי שמעתיה חלש דעתיה אמר אי הואי הכא הוה לי זרע כי האי

על לביתיה על בריה קם קמיה הוא סבר למשאליה שמעתתא קא בעי

אמרה ליה דביתהו מי איכא אבא דקאים מקמי ברא קרי עליה רמי בר חמא (קהלת ד, יב) החוט המשולש לא במהרה ינתק זה

ר' אושעיא בנו של רבי חמא בר ביסא ר"ע רעיא דבן כלבא שבוע הוה חזיתיה ברתיה דהוה צניע ומעלי

אמרה ליה אי מקדשנא לך אזלת לבי רב אמר לה אין

איקדשא ליה בצינעה ושדרתיה שמע אבוה אפקה מביתיה אדרה הנאה מנכסיה

אזיל יתיב תרי סרי שנין בבי רב

כי אתא אייתי בהדיה תרי סרי אלפי תלמידי שמעיה לההוא סבא דקאמר לה עד כמה

Ketubot 62b:3-15

§ The mishna stated: For sailors, the set interval for conjugal relations is once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer. Rav Berona said that Rav said: The halakha is in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Eliezer. Rav Adda bar Ahava said that Rav said: This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer, but the Rabbis say: Students may leave their homes to study Torah for as long as two or three years without permission from their wives. Rava said: The Sages relied on Rabbi Adda bar Ahava’s opinion and performed an action like this themselves, but the results were sometimes fatal. This is as it is related about Rav Reḥumi, who would commonly study before Rava in Meḥoza: He was accustomed to come back to his home every year on the eve of Yom Kippur. One day he was particularly engrossed in the halakha he was studying, and so he remained in the study hall and did not go home. His wife was expecting him that day and continually said to herself: Now he is coming, now he is coming. But in the end, he did not come. She was distressed by this and a tear fell from her eye. At that exact moment, Rav Reḥumi was sitting on the roof. The roof collapsed under him and he died. This teaches how much one must be careful, as he was punished severely for causing anguish to his wife, even inadvertently. § When is the ideal time for Torah scholars to fulfill their conjugal obligations? Rav Yehuda said that Shmuel said: The appropriate time for them is from Shabbat eve to Shabbat eve, i.e., on Friday nights. Similarly, it is stated with regard to the verse “that brings forth its fruit in its season” (Psalms 1:3): Rav Yehuda said, and some say that it was Rav Huna, and some say that it was Rav Naḥman: This is referring to one who engages in marital relations, bringing forth his fruit, from Shabbat eve to Shabbat eve. It is related further that Yehuda, son of Rabbi Ḥiyya and son-in-law of Rabbi Yannai, would go and sit in the study hall, and every Shabbat eve at twilight he would come to his house. When he would come, Rabbi Yannai would see a pillar of fire preceding him due to his sanctity. One day he was engrossed in the halakha he was studying, and he stayed in the study hall and did not return home. When Rabbi Yannai did not see that sign preceding him, he said to the family: Turn his bed over, as one does at times of mourning, since he must have died, reasoning that if Yehuda were alive he would not have missed his set interval for conjugal relations and would certainly have come home. What he said became “like an error that proceeds from a ruler” (Ecclesiastes 10:5), and Yehuda, son of Rabbi Ḥiyya, died. It is related further that Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi arranged for his son to marry a daughter of the household of Rabbi Ḥiyya. When he came to write the marriage contract, the girl died. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said: Is there, Heaven forbid, some disqualification in these families, as it appears that God prevented this match from taking place? They sat and looked into the families’ ancestry and found that Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi was descended from Shefatya ben Avital, the wife of David, whereas Rabbi Ḥiyya was descended from Shimi, David’s brother. He went and arranged for his son to marry a daughter of the household of Rabbi Yosei ben Zimra. They agreed for him that they would support him for twelve years to go to study in the study hall. It was assumed that he would first go to study and afterward get married. They passed the girl in front of the groom and when he saw her he said: Let it be just six years. They passed her in front of him again and he said to them: I will marry her now and then go to study. He was then ashamed to see his father, as he thought he would reprimand him because when he saw the girl he desired her and could not wait. His father placated him and said to him: My son, you have your Maker’s perception, meaning you acted the same way that God does. The proof for this is that initially it is written: “You bring them and plant them in the mountain of Your inheritance, the place that You, O Lord, have made for You to dwell in” (Exodus 15:17), which indicates that God’s original intention was to build a Temple for the Jewish people after they had entered Eretz Yisrael. And ultimately it is written: “And let them make Me a Sanctuary, that I may dwell among them” (Exodus 25:8), i.e., even while they were still in the desert, which indicates that due to their closeness to God, they enjoyed greater affection and He therefore advanced what would originally have come later. After his wedding he went and sat for twelve years in the study hall. By the time he came back his wife had become infertile, as a consequence of spending many years without her husband. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said: What should we do? If he will divorce her, people will say: This poor woman waited and hoped for naught. If he will marry another woman to beget children, people will say: This one, who bears him children, is his wife and that one, who lives with him, is his mistress. Therefore, her husband pleaded with God to have mercy on her and she was cured. Rabbi Ḥananya ben Ḥakhinai went to the study hall at the end of Rabbi Shimon ben Yoḥai’s wedding feast. Rabbi Shimon said to him: Wait for me until I can come with you, after my days of celebration are over. However, since he wanted to learn Torah, he did not wait and went and sat for twelve years in the study hall. By the time he came back, all the paths of his city had changed and he did not know how to go to his home. He went and sat on the bank of the river and heard people calling to a certain girl: Daughter of Ḥakhinai, daughter of Ḥakhinai, fill your pitcher and come up. He said: I can conclude from this that this is our daughter, meaning his own daughter, whom he had not recognized after so many years. He followed her to his house. His wife was sitting and sifting flour. She lifted her eyes up, saw him and recognized him, and her heart fluttered with agitation and she passed away from the emotional stress. Rabbi Ḥananya said before God: Master of the universe, is this the reward of this poor woman? He pleaded for mercy for her and she lived. Rabbi Ḥama bar Bisa went and sat for twelve years in the study hall. When he came back to his house, he said: I will not do what the son of Ḥakhinai, who came home suddenly with tragic consequences for his wife, did. He went and sat in the study hall in his hometown, and sent a message to his house that he had arrived. While he was sitting there his son Rabbi Oshaya, whom he did not recognize, came and sat before him. Rabbi Oshaya asked him questions about halakha, and Rabbi Ḥama saw that the halakhot of Rabbi Oshaya were incisive, i.e., he was very sharp. Rabbi Ḥama was distressed and said: If I had been here and had taught my son I would have had a child like this. Rabbi Ḥama went in to his house and his son went in with him. Rabbi Ḥama then stood up before him to honor a Torah scholar, since he thought that he wanted to ask him a matter of halakha. His wife said to him: Is there a father who stands up before his son? The Gemara comments: Rami bar Ḥama read the verse about him: “A threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). This is referring to Rabbi Oshaya, son of Rabbi Ḥama bar Bisa, as he represented the third generation of Torah scholars in his family. The Gemara further relates: Rabbi Akiva was the shepherd of ben Kalba Savua, one of the wealthy residents of Jerusalem. The daughter of Ben Kalba Savua saw that he was humble and refined. She said to him: If I betroth myself to you, will you go to the study hall to learn Torah? He said to her: Yes. She became betrothed to him privately and sent him off to study. Her father heard this and became angry. He removed her from his house and took a vow prohibiting her from benefiting from his property. Rabbi Akiva went and sat for twelve years in the study hall. When he came back to his house he brought twelve thousand students with him, and as he approached he heard an old man saying to his wife: For how long

כתובות ס״ג א:א׳-ג׳

קא מדברת אלמנות חיים?

אמרה ליה אי לדידי ציית יתיב תרי סרי שני אחריני

אמר ברשות קא עבידנא

הדר אזיל ויתיב תרי סרי שני אחריני בבי רב

כי אתא אייתי בהדיה עשרין וארבעה אלפי תלמידי

שמעה דביתהו הות קא נפקא לאפיה

אמרו לה שיבבתא שאילי מאני לבוש ואיכסאי

אמרה להו (משלי יב, י) יודע צדיק נפש בהמתו

כי מטיא לגביה נפלה על אפה קא מנשקא ליה לכרעיה הוו קא מדחפי לה שמעיה אמר להו שבקוה שלי ושלכם שלה הוא

שמע אבוה דאתא גברא רבה למתא

אמר איזיל לגביה אפשר דמפר נדראי

אתא לגביה א"ל אדעתא דגברא רבה מי נדרת

א"ל אפילו פרק אחד ואפי' הלכה אחת אמר ליה אנא הוא

נפל על אפיה ונשקיה על כרעיה ויהיב ליה פלגא ממוניה

ברתיה דר"ע עבדא ליה לבן עזאי הכי והיינו דאמרי אינשי רחילא בתר רחילא אזלא כעובדי אמה כך עובדי ברתא

רב יוסף בריה דרבא שדריה אבוהי לבי רב לקמיה דרב יוסף פסקו ליה שית שני כי הוה תלת שני מטא מעלי יומא דכפורי אמר איזיל ואיחזינהו לאינשי ביתי שמע אבוהי שקל מנא ונפק לאפיה אמר ליה זונתך נזכרת איכא דאמרי אמר ליה יונתך נזכרת איטרוד לא מר איפסיק ולא מר איפסיק:

Ketubot 63a:1-3

will you lead the life of a widow of a living man, living alone while your husband is in another place? She said to him: If he would listen to me, he would sit and study for another twelve years. When Rabbi Akiva heard this he said: I have permission to do this. He went back and sat for another twelve years in the study hall. When he came back he brought twenty-four thousand students with him. His wife heard and went out toward him to greet him. Her neighbors said: Borrow some clothes and wear them, as your current apparel is not appropriate to meet an important person. She said to them: “A righteous man understands the life of his beast” (Proverbs 12:10). When she came to him she fell on her face and kissed his feet. His attendants pushed her away as they did not know who she was, and he said to them: Leave her alone, as my Torah knowledge and yours is actually hers. In the meantime her father heard that a great man came to the town. He said: I will go to him. Maybe he will nullify my vow and I will be able to support my daughter. He came to him to ask about nullifying his vow, and Rabbi Akiva said to him: Did you vow thinking that this Akiva would become a great man? He said to him: If I had believed he would know even one chapter or even one halakha I would not have been so harsh. He said to him: I am he. Ben Kalba Savua fell on his face and kissed his feet and gave him half of his money. The Gemara relates: Rabbi Akiva’s daughter did the same thing for ben Azzai, who was also a simple person, and she caused him to learn Torah in a similar way, by betrothing herself to him and sending him off to study. This explains the folk saying that people say: The ewe follows the ewe; the daughter’s actions are the same as her mother’s. On the same subject it is related: Rav Yosef, son of Rava, was sent by his father to the study hall to learn before the great Sage Rav Yosef. They agreed that he should sit for six years in the study hall. When three years had passed, the eve of Yom Kippur arrived and he said: I will go and see the members of my household, meaning his wife. His father heard and took a weapon, as if he were going to war, and went to meet him. According to one version he said to him: Did you remember your mistress, as you are abandoning your studies to see a woman? There are those who say that he said to him: Did you remember your dove? Since both father and son were involved in an argument, they were preoccupied and this Master did not eat the cessation meal before Yom Kippur and that Master also did not eat the cessation meal that day.