Dr. Louis E. Newman, Repentance: The Meaning and Practice of Teshuvah
Seeing our own failings more clearly can and should be an impetus to deeper moral sensitivity and moral growth. It is the spur to repentance, showing us where we have work to do and so enabling us to make progress, by addressing those shortcomings, holding ourselves accountable, repairing our relationships with others, and taking all the other steps in the process of repentance...
Seeing our own failings more clearly can and should be an impetus to deeper moral sensitivity and moral growth. It is the spur to repentance, showing us where we have work to do and so enabling us to make progress, by addressing those shortcomings, holding ourselves accountable, repairing our relationships with others, and taking all the other steps in the process of repentance...
Adin Steinsaltz, Teshuvah: A Guide for the Newly Observant Jew, pp 3-4.
Broadly defined, teshuvah is more than just repentance from sin; it is a spiritual reawakening, a desire to strengthen the connection between oneself and the sacred... All forms of teshuvah, however diverse and complex, have a common core: the belief that human beings have it in their power to effect inward change.
Broadly defined, teshuvah is more than just repentance from sin; it is a spiritual reawakening, a desire to strengthen the connection between oneself and the sacred... All forms of teshuvah, however diverse and complex, have a common core: the belief that human beings have it in their power to effect inward change.
(כ) וַיֹּ֣אמֶר יי סָלַ֖חְתִּי כִּדְבָרֶֽךָ׃
(20) And Adonai said, Salachti Kid'varecha, “I pardon, as you have asked.
מַאי מְצַלֵּי? אָמַר רַב זוּטְרָא בַּר טוֹבִיָּה, אָמַר רַב: ״יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְּפָנַי שֶׁיִּכְבְּשׁוּ רַחֲמַי אֶת כַּעֲסִי, וְיִגּוֹלּוּ רַחֲמַי עַל מִדּוֹתַי, וְאֶתְנַהֵג עִם בָּנַי בְּמִדַּת רַחֲמִים, וְאֶכָּנֵס לָהֶם לִפְנִים מִשּׁוּרַת הַדִּין״.
The Gemara asks: What does God pray?
Rav Zutra bar Tovia said that Rav said: God says: May it be My will that My compassion will overcome My anger towards Israel for their transgressions, and may My compassion prevail over My other attributes through which Israel is punished, and may I conduct myself toward My children, Israel, with the attribute of compassion, and may I enter before them beyond the letter of the law.
Rav Zutra bar Tovia said that Rav said: God says: May it be My will that My compassion will overcome My anger towards Israel for their transgressions, and may My compassion prevail over My other attributes through which Israel is punished, and may I conduct myself toward My children, Israel, with the attribute of compassion, and may I enter before them beyond the letter of the law.
תַּנְיָא, אָמַר רַבִּי יִשְׁמָעֵאל בֶּן אֱלִישָׁע: פַּעַם אַחַת, נִכְנַסְתִּי לְהַקְטִיר קְטוֹרֶת לִפְנַי וְלִפְנִים, וְרָאִיתִי אַכְתְּרִיאֵל יָהּ יי צְבָאוֹת, שֶׁהוּא יוֹשֵׁב עַל כִּסֵּא רָם וְנִשָּׂא, וְאָמַר לִי: ״יִשְׁמָעֵאל בְּנִי, בָּרְכֵנִי!״ אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ: ״יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְּפָנֶיךָ, שֶׁיִּכְבְּשׁוּ רַחֲמֶיךָ אֶת כַּעַסְךָ, וְיִגּוֹלּוּ רַחֲמֶיךָ עַל מִדּוֹתֶיךָ, וְתִתְנַהֵג עִם בָּנֶיךָ בְּמִדַּת הָרַחֲמִים, וְתִכָּנֵס לָהֶם לִפְנִים מִשּׁוּרַת הַדִּין״. וְנִעְנַע לִי בְּרֹאשׁוֹ. וְקָמַשְׁמַע לַן, שֶׁלֹּא תְּהֵא בִּרְכַּת הֶדְיוֹט קַלָּה בְּעֵינֶיךָ.
Similarly, it was taught that Rabbi Yishmael ben Elisha, the High Priest, said: Once, on Yom Kippur, I entered the innermost sanctum, the Holy of Holies, to offer incense. In a vision I saw Akatriel Ya, the Lord of Hosts, seated upon a high and exalted throne [see Isaiah 6], who said to me: "Yishmael, My son, bless Me." I offered the prayer that God prays: “May it be Your will that Your mercy overcome Your anger, and may Your mercy prevail over Your other attributes, and may You act toward Your children with the quality of mercy, and may You enter before them beyond the letter of the law.” The Holy Blessed One nodded and accepted the blessing.
This event teaches us that you should not take the blessing of an ordinary person lightly. If God asked for and accepted a person's blessing, all the more so that a man must value the blessing of another person.
This event teaches us that you should not take the blessing of an ordinary person lightly. If God asked for and accepted a person's blessing, all the more so that a man must value the blessing of another person.
Midrash Tanchuma 31, Seder Olam ch. 6
On the 17th of Tammuz the tablets were broken, and on the 18th Moses burned the golden calf and judged the sinners, and on the 19th he went back up Mount Sinai. On Rosh Chodesh Elul it was said to him, “And in the morning you shall ascend Mount Sinai” (Exod. 34:2) to receive the second tablets. Moses spent 40 days up there, as it is said, “And I remained upon the mountain just as the first [set of] days” (Deut. 10:10). On the 10th of Tishri, ie Yom Kippur, the Holy Blessed One was appeased to Israel joyfully and wholeheartedly, and said to Moses, “I have forgiven, as you have spoken.” God gave over to Moses the second tablets, and he descended, and God began commanding him concerning the work of the Mishkan (Tabernacle). They constructed it until the 1st of Nissan (the month of Passover), and once it was erected, God only spoke with him from within the Tent of Meeting.
אל רחום וחנון שבידו הסליחות והרחמים וכ"ז היה במ' יום האחרוני' וזהו התפלות שעש' כל המ' יו' האלו להשיב שכינתו בתוכנו. כראשוני' שא"ל מעש' המשכן בשביל ושכנתי בתוכם והפסידו ועתה לא שב אחור עד שהשכין השכינה ואמר פ' ויאמר ראה אתה כו' קודם פסל לך שאין מוקדם ומאוחר ולסמוך לפסוק לא אעלה בקרבך ולומר שחזר ונתרצה כמקדם ואח"כ אמר שירד בענן ויעבור על פניו:
מֹשֶׁה הָיָה כֻּלּוֹ טוֹב, בִּבְחִינַת (שמוֹת ב, ב): ״וַתֵּרֶא אוֹתוֹ כִּי טוֹב הוּא״, וְעַל־כֵּן הָיָה לוֹ כֹּחַ תָּמִיד לִמְצֹא הַטּוֹב בְּכָל אֶחָד אֲפִלּוּ בְּהַפּוֹשְׁעֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל כַּנַּ״ל, וְעַל־יְדֵי־זֶה נִתְרַצָּה הַשֵּׁם־יִתְבָּרַךְ כַּנַּ״ל, וַאֲזַי צִוָּה לָהֶם עַל מְלֶאכֶת הַמִּשְׁכָּן, שֶׁיָּבִיא כָּל אֶחָד נִדְבַת לִבּוֹ לִמְלֶאכֶת הַמִּשְׁכָּן, כִּי הָיָה מְעוֹרֵר הַטּוֹב שֶׁבְּכָל אֶחָד, וְכָל אֶחָד כְּפִי הַטּוֹב שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ – הֵבִיא נִדְבַת לִבּוֹ הַטּוֹב לִמְלֶאכֶת הַמִּשְׁכָּן.
מֹשֶׁה הָיָה כֻּלּוֹ טוֹב, בִּבְחִינַת (שמוֹת ב, ב): ״וַתֵּרֶא אוֹתוֹ כִּי טוֹב הוּא״, וְעַל־כֵּן הָיָה לוֹ כֹּחַ תָּמִיד לִמְצֹא הַטּוֹב בְּכָל אֶחָד אֲפִלּוּ בְּהַפּוֹשְׁעֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל כַּנַּ״ל, וְעַל־יְדֵי־זֶה נִתְרַצָּה הַשֵּׁם־יִתְבָּרַךְ כַּנַּ״ל, וַאֲזַי צִוָּה לָהֶם עַל מְלֶאכֶת הַמִּשְׁכָּן, שֶׁיָּבִיא כָּל אֶחָד נִדְבַת לִבּוֹ לִמְלֶאכֶת הַמִּשְׁכָּן, כִּי הָיָה מְעוֹרֵר הַטּוֹב שֶׁבְּכָל אֶחָד, וְכָל אֶחָד כְּפִי הַטּוֹב שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ – הֵבִיא נִדְבַת לִבּוֹ הַטּוֹב לִמְלֶאכֶת הַמִּשְׁכָּן.
God compassionate and gracious: For forgiveness and mercy is in God's hands. And this entire scene (Moses hearing the 13 Attributes while God's presence passed) was in the later forty day period. And these are all the prayers that Moshe prayed during all of these 40 days - to bring back the Divine Presence amongst us, as earlier when God told Moshe about the creation of the Mishkan in order that, 'I will dwell amongst you." But the people lost [this connection]. However, now Moshe did not desist until he brought the Divine Presence back to dwell amongst them...
Reb Noson (Rebbe Nachman's discipline) comments in Likutei Halakhot:
Moses was the embodiment of good, as expressed in the verse (at Moses' birth) “She (his mother Yocheved) saw that he was good.” Moses had the inherent ability to always find the good in everyone—even in the willful sinners of the Jewish people. Through this God was placated, and then commanded the Jewish people regarding the construction of the Mishkan as a tikkun for their sin.
Reb Noson (Rebbe Nachman's discipline) comments in Likutei Halakhot:
Moses was the embodiment of good, as expressed in the verse (at Moses' birth) “She (his mother Yocheved) saw that he was good.” Moses had the inherent ability to always find the good in everyone—even in the willful sinners of the Jewish people. Through this God was placated, and then commanded the Jewish people regarding the construction of the Mishkan as a tikkun for their sin.
עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ, אֵין יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר עַד שֶׁיְרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֶמַר, מִכֹּל חַטֹּאתֵיכֶם לִפְנֵי יי תִּטְהָרוּ. כְּלוֹמַר, חַטֹּאתֵיכֶם שֶׁהֵם לִפְנֵי יי בִּלְבַד, יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר. אֲבָל מַה שֶּׁבֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ, אֵין יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר, עַד שֶׁיְרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ. לָכֵן צָרִיךְ כָּל אָדָם לְדַקְדֵּק, שֶׁאִם יֵשׁ בְּיָדוֹ מָמוֹן שֶׁל אֲחֵרִים שֶׁלֹּא כַדִּין, יַחֲזִיר לוֹ וִיפַיֵס אוֹתָן. וְאִם יֵשׁ בְּיָדוֹ מָמוֹן שֶׁהוּא מְסֻפָּק בּוֹ, אִם הוּא שֶׁלוֹ עַל פִּי הַדִּין אוֹ לֹא, יוֹדִיע לַחֲבֵרוֹ שֶׁהוּא רוֹצֶה לַעֲמֹד עִמּוֹ מִיָד לְאַחַר יוֹם הַכִפּוּרִים לְדִין הַתּוֹרָה הַקְּדוֹשָׁה, וִיקַבֵּל עָלָיו בֶּאֶמֶת לְקַיֵם כַּאֲשֶׁר יֵצֵא מִפִּי בֵּית הַדִּין. וְגַם אִם לֹא חָטָא כְּנֶגֶד חֲבֵרוֹ אֶלָּא בִּדְבָרִים, צָרִיךְ לְפַיְסוֹ, וּמְחֻיָב לָלֶכֶת בְּעַצְמוֹ לְפַיְסוֹ. אַךְ אִם קָשֶׁה עָלָיו, אוֹ שֶׁהוּא מֵבִין כִּי יוֹתֵר קָרוֹב שֶׁיִתְפַּיֵס עַל יְדֵי אֶמְצָעִי, יַעֲשֶׂה עַל יְדֵי אֶמְצָעִי. וְהָאִישׁ אֲשֶׁר מְבַקְשִׁין מִמֶּנוּ מְחִילָה, יִמְחוֹל בְּלֵב שָׁלֵם וְלֹא יְהֵא אַכְזָרִי, כִּי אֵין זֶה מִמִּדַּת יִשְֹרָאֵל, אֶלָּא מִמִּדַּת עֵשָׂו, שֶׁעָלָיו נֶאֱמַר, וְעֶבְרָתוֹ שְׁמָרָה נֶצַח. וְכֵן הוּא אוֹמֵר עַל הַגִבְעוֹנִים, לְפִי שֶׁלֹּא מָחֲלוּ וְלֹא נִתְפַּיְסוּ, וְהַגִּבְעוֹנִים לֹא מִבְּנֵי יִשְֹרָאֵל הֵמָה. אֲבָל דַרְכָּן שֶׁל זֶרַע יִשְֹרָאֵל הוּא לִהְיוֹת קָשֶׁה לִכְעֹס וְנוֹחַ לִרְצוֹת. וּכְשֶׁהַחוֹטֵא מְבַקֵּשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ לִמְחוֹל, יִמְחוֹל בְּלֵב שָׁלֵם וּבְנֶפֶשׁ חֲפֵצָה. וַאֲפִלּוּ הֵצֵר לוֹ הַרְבֵּה, לֹא יִקֹּם וְלֹא יִטֹּר. וְאַדְרַבָּה, אִם הַחוֹטֵא אֵינוֹ מִתְעוֹרֵר לָבוֹא אֵלָיו לְבַקֵּשׁ מְחִילָה, יֵשׁ לוֹ לְהָאִישׁ הֶעָלוּב לְהַמְצִיא אֶת עַצְמוֹ לְאוֹתוֹ שֶׁחָטָא, כְּדֵי שֶׁיְבַקֵּשׁ מִמֶּנוּ מְחִילָה. וּמִי שֶׁאֵינוֹ מַעֲבִיר שִׂנְאָה בְּיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים, אֵין תְּפִלָתוֹ נִשְׁמַעַת, חַס וְשָׁלוֹם. וְכָל הַמַּעֲבִיר עַל מִדּוֹתָיו, מַעֲבִירִין לוֹ עַל כָּל פְּשָׁעָיו.
Sins committed against your friend are not atoned for on Yom Kippur unless you placate her, as it is said, "You will be cleansed of all your sins before God." This means, only sins against God are atoned for on Yom Kippur. But sins between people are not atoned for on Yom Kippur, unless/until you placate your friend... If you sinned against your neighbor, even if only with words, you must appease him. It is your duty to go personally to appease him. However, if it is difficult for you to do so, or if you understand that he will be reconciled more easily through an intermediary, you should appease him through an intermediary. The person whose forgiveness is asked should forgive wholeheartedly and should not be ruthless, for this is not a Jewish characteristic, but a trait of Esau of whom it is said, "And he kept his anger forever" (Amos 1:11). It is also said of the Gibeonites, because they did not forgive and would not be appeased, "The Gibeonites were not of the Children of Israel." (II Samuel 21:2) The characteristic of the Children of Israel is to be slow to anger and easy to be appeased. And when the sinner asks for forgiveness you should grant forgiveness wholeheartedly and willingly. Even if he tormented you a great deal you should not take revenge nor bear a grudge. On the contrary, if the offender does not take the initiative to come to you asking for forgiveness, you should present yourself to the offender in order that [the offender] should ask your forgiveness. If a person does not banish hatred [from his heart] on Yom Kippur, her prayers will not be heard, God forbid; but if you are tolerant and forgiving, all your sins will be forgiven.
How to Apologize - Rabbi Kelly WhiteheadBased on Rambam's 4 Steps to Repair (Teshuvah)
1. Express Remorse Over Your Actions
Start your apology by saying “I apologize” or “I’m sorry” and follow it up with a brief phrase summarizing your feelings of remorse over what happened. You've got to mean it when you utter these words and be specific about what you’re apologizing for. For instance, you can say, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you, and I feel embarrassed about losing my temper that way.”
Start your apology by saying “I apologize” or “I’m sorry” and follow it up with a brief phrase summarizing your feelings of remorse over what happened. You've got to mean it when you utter these words and be specific about what you’re apologizing for. For instance, you can say, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you, and I feel embarrassed about losing my temper that way.”
2. Empathize With the Offended Party
Next, you need to show that you know which of your words and actions hurt the other person and, using "I" statements empathize with how said actions made that person feel. The more specific you are in explaining the offending actions and in relating to the other person’s hurt feelings, the more sincere your apology will come across.
For example, “This was thoughtless of me and I'm sorry I caused you to feel disrespected."
Next, you need to show that you know which of your words and actions hurt the other person and, using "I" statements empathize with how said actions made that person feel. The more specific you are in explaining the offending actions and in relating to the other person’s hurt feelings, the more sincere your apology will come across.
For example, “This was thoughtless of me and I'm sorry I caused you to feel disrespected."
3. Admit Responsibility“I’m sorry but…” and “I’m sorry if you felt…” doesn't count as a sincere apology because the “but” and “if you felt” tacked after the apology are qualifiers that act as a justification or limiter that suggests you’re not fully responsible for your actions.
4. Offer to Make Amends
You’ve expressed remorse, empathized with the other person’s feelings, and owned up to your mistake. Many people would consider this a complete apology, but in reality it’s still missing two important aspects, both of which are designed to make the offended party feel better. How can you make the person you hurt feel better? The first thing you can do is make it up to them. Promise to do something for them in return. You can say, “How can I make it up to you?” or just offer to do something directly related to how you upset them in the first place.
5. Promise to Change
An apology is meaningless if you commit the same offense in the future. This is why promising to change is crucial when you want to deeply apologize for serious transgressions. After promising to make amends, you can end your apology by saying, “From now on, I’m going to (how you plan to change your behavior) so I don’t (your offense).”
4. Offer to Make Amends
You’ve expressed remorse, empathized with the other person’s feelings, and owned up to your mistake. Many people would consider this a complete apology, but in reality it’s still missing two important aspects, both of which are designed to make the offended party feel better. How can you make the person you hurt feel better? The first thing you can do is make it up to them. Promise to do something for them in return. You can say, “How can I make it up to you?” or just offer to do something directly related to how you upset them in the first place.
5. Promise to Change
An apology is meaningless if you commit the same offense in the future. This is why promising to change is crucial when you want to deeply apologize for serious transgressions. After promising to make amends, you can end your apology by saying, “From now on, I’m going to (how you plan to change your behavior) so I don’t (your offense).”
...נִמְשְׁלָה תְּפִלָּה כְּמִקְוָה וְנִמְשְׁלָה תְּשׁוּבָה כַּיָּם. מַה מִּקְוָה זוֹ פְּעָמִים פְּתוּחָה פְּעָמִים נְעוּלָה, כָּךְ שַׁעֲרֵי תְּפִלָּה פְּעָמִים נְעוּלִים פְּעָמִים פְּתוּחִין, אֲבָל הַיָּם הַזֶּה לְעוֹלָם פָּתוּחַ, כָּךְ שַׁעֲרֵי תְּשׁוּבָה לְעוֹלָם פְּתוּחִין...
...…Prayer is likened to an immersion pool, but repentance is likened to the sea. Just as an immersion pool is at times open and at other times locked, so the gates of prayer are at times open and at other times locked. But the sea is always open, even as the gates of repentance are always open...
Questions to Leave With:
- Think of a time when you apologized to someone or when someone apologized to you?
- Think of a time when you wanted to apologize to someone or when you wanted someone to apologize to you?
- What is the purpose of an apology? What does the apology-giver get out of apologizing? What does the apology receiver get out of being apologized to? What is a good apology? A bad one? A sincere one? An insincere one?
- Think of a time when you apologized to someone or when someone apologized to you?
- Think of a time when you wanted to apologize to someone or when you wanted someone to apologize to you?
- What is the purpose of an apology? What does the apology-giver get out of apologizing? What does the apology receiver get out of being apologized to? What is a good apology? A bad one? A sincere one? An insincere one?