Self Esteem

While some people may be aware that they are suffering from low self-esteem, many people do not realize this.

What I refer to as a low self-esteem problem is not just a low opinion of oneself, but more specifically, a feeling of negativity about oneself that is unwarranted and unsupported by fact. Although many people are aware that they have little self-confidence and that they harbor feelings of inadequacy, they believe those feelings are justified because they are convinced that their inadequacies are real. Quite often this self-perception is incorrect, and the low self-esteem and poor self-confidence are in reality unjustified.

I have found it quite difficult to shake people loose from their erroneous self-concepts. A person who sees an object before his eyes is fully convinced that what he sees is really there and that it actually possesses the very characteristics of shape and color that he perceives. It is virtually impossible to convince someone that the object he sees is nonexistent, and that his perception is a hallucination. If we could somehow convince the person that his vision is distorted, he might then accept someone else's description of the object.

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Let us take this one step further. The person who sees a given object is certain that everyone else sees just what he sees. He does not doubt the validity of his sense of perception, and if he sees a brown table, he naturally assumes that everyone else also sees the object as a brown table. Similarly, the person who has a perception of himself as being dull, socially inept, unattractive or unlikeable, is convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that this is also the way others perceive him. To him, his perception is reality.

This insight was not derived solely from psychological texts, but can be found in the Torah. In the saga of the spies who were sent to Canaan by Moses, it is told that the spies reported the Canaanites to be a race of giants. "We appeared to them as small as grasshoppers, and that is how we felt ourselves to be" (Numbers 13:33). The principle is clearly stated. The way you feel about yourself is the way you believe that others perceive you.

This particular passage is further extended in the commentary of Rashi: "We heard them (the Canaanites) say, "there are ants crawling in our vineyards.'" Two important psychological insights are contained in this comment. Firstly, in all likelihood the spies did not even understand the language of the Canaanites, yet they were certain what it was they were talking about. If you feel inadequate, you are certain to conclude that other people have noticed and are discussing your inadequacies. Secondly, there is a downward progression to feelings of low self-esteem. Having initially felt as small as grasshoppers, the spies soon felt themselves shrinking to the size of ants.

It might be wise to anticipate a challenge at this point. The reader may ask, "If you are approaching a psychological problem from a Torah perspective, how can you be critical of low self-esteem? Are we not taught that gahva (vanity) is an abomination? Does the Talmud not stress "Be very, very humble?" (Ethics of the Fathers 4:4)

This calls for a bit of clarification. What I have termed as a negative self-image is not a feeling of anivus (humility) but rather a feeling resulting from a distorted self-perception, wherein the person is in denial of his positive assets and sees himself as being much less than he is in reality. The negative self-image is not humility but a delusion, a false perception.

The Torah is absolute in its condemnation of falsehood in whatever shape or form. Indeed, although many precautionary measures to avoid transgression of Biblical edicts are of Rabbinic origin, only one such precautionary measure is prescribed in the Bible proper, and that is with respect to the avoidance of falsehood. Supplementing the prohibition, "You shall not lie,"(Leviticus 19:11), the Torah stresses, "Distance yourself from falsehood" (Exodus 23:7).

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The compatibility of self-awareness with humility is readily understandable in light of the Talmudic teaching, "If you have learned a great deal of Torah do not take the credit for yourself, for that is how you were created" (Ethics of the Fathers 2:8). Just as the person blessed with a fine voice must recognize this to be a Divine gift, so the person with a brilliant mind capable of learning, retaining, and analyzing should recognize this as a G-d given talent. One can recognize his factual greatness without assuming the pride and vanity of the strutting peacock.

Self-esteem is based on the realization of one's capacities, of what one can do. Vanity is the feeling that admiration and exaltation should be expressed for what one has done. Thus, the Chafetz Chaim wrote his great works because he knew he could do it, and that is a healthy and virtuous self-esteem. After the works were completed, he did not expect honor or glory for his achievements. Quite the contrary, he was already concentrating on what remained for him to do with his G-d given talents. That is consistent with humility.

Indeed, there is reason to believe that gahva is never the consequence of recognition of one's true skills and talents. A person with a healthy self-esteem has no need for the praise and approbation of others. Gahva is invariably a desperate attempt of a person who feels negatively about himself to escape from his feelings of worthlessness. He craves honor and seeks praise to assure himself that he is indeed a worthwhile person, in contrast to his feelings. Since the feelings of worthlessness are delusional, however, no amount of praise or admiration is ever enough. This person can never be sufficiently reassured, and repeatedly persists in trying to impress others with his achievements.

1. Rabbi Twerski makes a subtle but important point. What is the difference between gahva (vanity, pride) and anivus (humility)?

2. Is it proper to think of oneself as less than one is- less qualified, less attractive, just less?

3. What is a proper way for a person to relate to their unique strengths and talents?

4. What is a proper way for people to channel their strengths and talents?

5. Can you think of a unique strength or talent that *you* have? How have you used it or channelled it in a way that helps the world or brings you closer to God?