Polyamory is a relatively contemporary term, roughly 30 years in use. It is not "swinging." It's more than just sex. It's not necessarily polygamy, though polygamy could be polyamory. The textbook definition is "the practice of, or desire for, romantic relationships with more than one partner at the same time."
It's important to lay some ground work here:
The Hebrew word for marriage is kiddushin. What are other terms in Jewish ritual practice that share the obvious root?
עַל־כֵּן֙ יַֽעֲזׇב־אִ֔ישׁ אֶת־אָבִ֖יו וְאֶת־אִמּ֑וֹ וְדָבַ֣ק בְּאִשְׁתּ֔וֹ וְהָי֖וּ לְבָשָׂ֥ר אֶחָֽד׃
Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.
Nachmanides: "...your mind and hers will be in one place and bond together in harmony."
Rabbi Elliot Dorff: “First of all, the depth of the relationship is much greater if it’s monogamous,” Dorff said. “The chances that both partners are going to be able to fulfill all the obligations of a serious intimate relationship are much greater in a monogamous relationship. I would say the same to gay or straight couples: There should be one person you live your life with.”
We talked about kiddushin - what about other relationships?
pilagshut - "Avraham took a wife, and her name was Ketura." Bilhah, with whom Yaakov fathered two children, was described as a pilagesh. David's concubines were permanent. In Talmud, a wife has a ketubah, a pilagesh does not.
Rambam weighs in - a "regular person" may not have a concubine...with the act of yichud (sexy seclusion), a king acquires a concubine.
There have been attempts in recent years to normalize pilagshut, but it was never of benefit to a woman.
shutafut - "partnership" - you might be familiar with this term from Reconstructionist Judaism. This is a new marriage ritual concept that originated because of the insufficiency of ketubah, kiddushin, and nisuin for same-sex marriages. What is an element of kiddushin that poses difficulty in egalitarian settings? Why might an alternative partnership agreement be valuable?
Important to note - the progenitor of this idea is still principally addressing monogomy.
What about polygamy?
וַתֵּ֨רֶא שָׂרָ֜ה אֶֽת־בֶּן־הָגָ֧ר הַמִּצְרִ֛ית אֲשֶׁר־יָלְדָ֥ה לְאַבְרָהָ֖ם מְצַחֵֽק׃ וַתֹּ֙אמֶר֙ לְאַבְרָהָ֔ם גָּרֵ֛שׁ הָאָמָ֥ה הַזֹּ֖את וְאֶת־בְּנָ֑הּ כִּ֣י לֹ֤א יִירַשׁ֙ בֶּן־הָאָמָ֣ה הַזֹּ֔את עִם־בְּנִ֖י עִם־יִצְחָֽק׃
Sarah saw the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham playing. She said to Abraham, “Cast out that slave-woman and her son, for the son of that slave shall not share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”
וַתֵּ֣רֶא רָחֵ֗ל כִּ֣י לֹ֤א יָֽלְדָה֙ לְיַעֲקֹ֔ב וַתְּקַנֵּ֥א רָחֵ֖ל בַּאֲחֹתָ֑הּ וַתֹּ֤אמֶר אֶֽל־יַעֲקֹב֙ הָֽבָה־לִּ֣י בָנִ֔ים וְאִם־אַ֖יִן מֵתָ֥ה אָנֹֽכִי׃
When Rachel saw that she had borne Jacob no children, she became envious of her sister; and Rachel said to Jacob, “Give me children, or I shall die.”
(א) וְהַמֶּ֣לֶךְ שְׁלֹמֹ֗ה אָהַ֞ב נָשִׁ֧ים נָכְרִיּ֛וֹת רַבּ֖וֹת וְאֶת־בַּת־פַּרְעֹ֑ה מוֹאֲבִיּ֤וֹת עַמֳּנִיּוֹת֙ אֲדֹ֣מִיֹּ֔ת צֵדְנִיֹּ֖ת חִתִּיֹּֽת׃ (ב) מִן־הַגּוֹיִ֗ם אֲשֶׁ֣ר אָֽמַר־ה' אֶל־בְּנֵ֨י יִשְׂרָאֵ֜ל לֹֽא־תָבֹ֣אוּ בָהֶ֗ם וְהֵם֙ לֹא־יָבֹ֣אוּ בָכֶ֔ם אָכֵן֙ יַטּ֣וּ אֶת־לְבַבְכֶ֔ם אַחֲרֵ֖י אֱלֹהֵיהֶ֑ם בָּהֶ֛ם דָּבַ֥ק שְׁלֹמֹ֖ה לְאַהֲבָֽה׃ (ג) וַיְהִי־ל֣וֹ נָשִׁ֗ים שָׂרוֹת֙ שְׁבַ֣ע מֵא֔וֹת וּפִֽלַגְשִׁ֖ים שְׁלֹ֣שׁ מֵא֑וֹת וַיַּטּ֥וּ נָשָׁ֖יו אֶת־לִבּֽוֹ׃
(1) King Solomon loved many foreign women in addition to Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabite, Ammonite, Edomite, Phoenician, and Hittite women, (2) from the nations of which the LORD had said to the Israelites, “None of you shall join them and none of them shall join you, lest they turn your heart away to follow their gods.” Such Solomon clung to and loved. (3) He had seven hundred royal wives and three hundred concubines; and his wives turned his heart away.
וְהֶחֱזִ֩יקוּ֩ שֶׁ֨בַע נָשִׁ֜ים בְּאִ֣ישׁ אֶחָ֗ד בַּיּ֤וֹם הַהוּא֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר לַחְמֵ֣נוּ נֹאכֵ֔ל וְשִׂמְלָתֵ֖נוּ נִלְבָּ֑שׁ רַ֗ק יִקָּרֵ֤א שִׁמְךָ֙ עָלֵ֔ינוּ אֱסֹ֖ף חֶרְפָּתֵֽנוּ׃ {ס}
In that day, seven women shall take hold of one man, saying,“We will eat our own foodAnd wear our own clothes;Only let us be called by your name—Take away our disgrace!”
What do these selections from the Tanakh have in common?
Mordechai A. Friedman, Genizah Fragments, The Newsletter of Cambridge University'sTaylor-Schechter Genizah Research Unit at Cambridge University Library, No. 12 October 1986
Recent research by my lamented mentor, Professor S. D. Goitein, and myself has identified tens of cases of polygamy among the Genizah documents...Special undertakings not to marry a second wife begin to appear in Egypt in the late eleventh century...Documents containing agreements with second wives show that women who entered a polygamous marriage were frequently of a lower social class or for some other reason had no choice but to accept the arrangement. The rough draft of a kethubbah of a woman raped and taken captive when the Mamluks conquered Akko from the Crusaders in 1291 is a good example...: “The groom’s first wife permitted him to marry any one of three women that he wants to take. This is the first, and he still has the right to marry two other women.”
Mordechai A. Friedman, Polygyny in Jewish Tradition and Practice: New Sources from the Cairo Geniza, p. 61
The standard Aramaic monogamy-anti slave girl stipulation began to be written in marriage contracts on a more regular basis during the years when the Palestinian Gaon Masliah was the head of Egyptian Jewry (1127-1139). From approximately the same time we read of a monogamy clause used in Jewish marriage contracts in the Maghreb...The Egyptian ketubba stipulation became widespread by the mid-twelfth century and came to be known as one of al-shurut al-ma'luma bi-misr "The well-known stipulations of Fustat" or shurut benot yisrael al-ma'luma "the famous conditions for Jewish girls."
שו”ת מהר”ם פדוואה סוף סימן י”ד ד”ה אמנם
עוד נכון לומר שתקנת [רבינו גרשום] שלא לישא שתי נשים...כי חששו ושקדו על בנות ישראל בהיותינו בגולה אשר ירבה לו נשים וילד בנים הרבה ולא יוכל להספיקן כי אפילו לרבא דהלכתא כוותיה דאמר בפרק הבא על יבמתו נושא אדם כמה נשים הא מסיים והוא דאית ליה למוזיינינ’ ועל אלה חששו קדמונינו בהיותינו בגולה טרודים וכעניים…
Maharam Padua 14:
R' Meir ben Isaac Katzenellenbogen (1482-1565)
It is further correct to say that the enactment [of Rabbeinu Gershom] not to marry two wives...is because of the concern for the daughters of Israel in exile, for where one has multiple wives and they have many children, he will not be able to sustain them. For even according to Rava, whom the halacha follows, who says in Perek Haba Al Yevamto that a man can marry multiple women, he concludes that is [only] where he can sustain them, and regarding this our predecessors were concerned that the troubles of the exile will leave a person destitute...
Rabbeinu Gershom, a French Talmudist, banned polygamy in around 1000 CE, on pain of cherem. The Shulchan Aruch, which is the principle source for Jewish law for Ashkenazi Jews, permitted a man to marry women so long as he could support them, with a suggested limit of four. It still bans it in places where monogomy is the norm, and strongly suggests a takanah to ban it altogether.
Today polygamy is illegal in Israel with exception by the chief rabbinate...only as of 1977.
Questions for Discussion
Do we need to approve of something to make polyamorous Jews welcome in our community?
If we do have polyamorous units with in our membership, how inclusive of it are we obliged to be?
What are your opinions on this?