In this essay I establish the proper hashkafa we must entertain when dealing in shidduchim.
In Sotah 2A, the Talmud states: Forty days before an embryo is formed a Bas Kol issues forth and says: The daughter of so-and-so is destined to marry so-and-so; such and such a house is destined to be inhabited by so-and-so; such and such a field is destined to be farmed by so-and-so.
This is interpreted to suggest that matters that occur, such as marriage, are decreed for a person even before he is born. However, this statement would conflict with Reish Lakish (on the same folio) who states that Hashem matches a woman to a man only according to his actions, as it is stated: “For the rod of wickedness shall not rest upon the lot of the righteous” (Psalms 125:3), indicating that if one has a wicked wife.
This would establish that matches are based on one’s good or bad behavior and not by divine decree. To reconcile these two statements the Gemara restricts the heavenly decree to a person’s first zivug. A person’s second zivug would depend on his actions.
This interpretation assumes that Hashem is not aware of one's future actions to ensure the first zivug is in compliance with one's middos. This certainly cannot be the case.
Therefore we need to reevaluate both statements in Sotah. The statement claiming that Hashem only matches individuals based on their behavior would still occur upon conception. At the same time, this decree would comply with the principle of Reish Lakish that Hashem makes these decrees in conjunction with one's middos and not at random.
This new reconciliation would solve another challenge. We don't typically see observant individuals marrying those who have left the faith. We rarely even see anyone marrying out of their community. With everyone having free will, and marriages predestined, we should be seeing matches where the individuals between religious and irreligious individuals.
With the new reconciliation that says shidduchim are being made with the acknowledgment of one's middos, shidduchim
are solely done with people who are religious. This is what we see happening, and this is what we refer to as bashert.
However, the concept of bashert has a halachic challenge. The Mishna in Moed Katan 18B states that one is permitted to violate the rabbinic prohibition on sealing deals during Chol Hamoed in order to get engaged. An engagement has the same halachic makeup as sealing a business deal. The reason the gemara gives for this leniency is because should one wait until after Chol Hamoed, they may lose their shidduch to someone else.
The Gemara makes no distinction between the first and second zivug. This demonstrates both that the distinction between the first and second zivug is halachically irrelevant. Otherwise, a person in his first zivug would need to wait until after chol hamoed to seal the deal. This is because his sidduch is predetermined and not at risk to being lost. Also demonstrated is that no shidduch is predetermined, therefore one is allowed to go through with the engagement on Chol Hamoed.
With this argument I conclude that the concept of bashert shidduchim does not conform with halacha. Therefore, we need a new interpretation for the gemara Sotah that seems to declare that all engagements are bashert.
I would venture to explain the gemara Sotah as establishing that Hashem is aware of all happenings in this world. From when you were created Hashem knew who you will choose to marry and which home you will buy and which field you will farm. This is critical as it is this supervision and awareness that allows Hashem to reward those who do good and punish those who do bad.
While my argument clarifies the Gemera about the Bas Kol it does not explain Reish Lakish's statement that seems to state clearly that Hashem creates matches. One possible explanation would be to restrict Reish Lakish to specific individuals. This is clearly stated in his supporting pasuk which states as follows “For the rod of wickedness shall not rest upon the lot of the righteous” (Psalms 125:3). The pasuk refers explicitly to the righteous receiving protection and not the average individual.
One may ask that if shidduchim are not bashert who is making the shidduchim? And the answer is us. We are here after all to make choices. Some choices are small and insignificant while others are extremely critical. Possibly the most critical decision one will make is the spouse he chooses.
The fact that a spouse can greatly influence the partner is self understood and depicted multiple times in shas. In Bechoros the same lady that helped her first husband tie his tefillin was later observed dealing with his tax obligations. ^^^^(Story of the couple who divorced and influenced their respective partners.)
This is why shidduchim cannot be bashert. It is these choices that give us our purpose in life. And no choice we make will go unnoticed. We will be rewarded or punished on the choices we make. There will be no way to deny any bad choices, this is the Gemara that highlights that Hashem is aware of the choices.
This idea that it is us who make the choice regarding shidduchim is seen all over. Here are but few examples;
- The Torah forbids a Kohen Gadol from marrying a non-virgin.
- There is a machlokes on whether kiddushin works for those who marry despite a Torah injunction. Is it possible Hashem made such a shidduch?
- The gemara warns people not to marry certain people such as leprous people and dependents of families with a history of epilepsy. This clearly demonstrates choice.
- The Mishna discusses what happens if one lies about his lineage. In some cases, the bride can sue for a get because the marriage was based on false pretenses.
- The gemara advises one not choose an inappropriate spouse either due to money or anything else.
- The gemara advises people with extreme physical properties from propagating them. For example, a tall person should not marry a tall partner. Other examples given are short people, ashen people, and extremely dark people.
Not only is the partner within our control, but so is the time we choose to marry.
- The Gemara in Kiddushin discusses whether one should marry prior to going to study or the reverse.
- The Gemara in Menachos and Yoma equates those who are proactive and marry first and afterward go and study to a purer version of Torah learning.
- The Gemara in Kiddushin states that in no case should one voluntarily wait until the age of twenty to get married. The following Gemara goes as far as to state that 'Until one reaches the age of twenty years the Holy One, Blessed be He, sits and waits for a man, saying: "When will he marry a woman?" Once he reaches the age of twenty and has not married, He says: "Let his bones swell," i.e., he is cursed and God is no longer concerned about him.
In conclusion, from a halachic perspective, shidduchim are within our control to make as part of our bechirah. Therefore, the rabbinic prohibition of dealmaking is set aside to conform with this concept.
That would indicate that we must take active steps in finding suitable matches. Those who neglect to pursue appropriate matches, regardless of the reason, are acting foolishly (in the category of a "chassid shoteh" - an overly pious fool) by relying on a misinterpretation of bashert.