Rabbi Lefin was deeply influenced by (without naming) Benjamin Franklin’s Autobiography and incorporated Franklin’s list of virtues and his chart illustrating how to organize working on them on a daily and yearly basis. His book was adopted by Rav Yisrael Salanter, together with Luzzato’s Mesillat Yesharim.
I have selected a few of these middot and a few others, collecting a few sources that may be a jumping off point for our practice. I left time for us to choose other middot as well. Where relevant I reproduced the description of the Heshbon Nefesh, as translated by the Center for Contemporary Mussar.
1. ORDERLINESS Seder סֵדֶר
All your actions and possessions should be orderly— each one in a set place and at a set time. Let your thoughts always be free to deal with that which lies ahead of you.
2. DELIBERATION Metinut מְתִינוּת
Let not your heart be rash, nor your mouth hasty. Rather, pause several times while speaking or acting to deliberate and calm yourself.
3. LEARNING MINDSET Hitlamdut התלמדות
Every experience and encounter is a learning opportunity.
4. GRATITUDE Hakarat HaTov הכרת הטוב
Appreciation of others, the Other, and the gifts bestowed upon us is a world outlook.
5. HUMILITY Anavah עֲנָוָה
Always seek to learn wisdom from everyone, to recognize your failings and correct them. In doing so you will learn to stop thinking about your virtues and you will take your mind off your friend’s faults.
6. PATIENCE Savlanut סַבְלָנוּת
When something bad happens to you and you do not have the power to avoid it, do not aggravate the situation through wasted grief.
7. EQUANIMITY Menuchat HaNefesh מְנוּחַת הַנֶפֶשׁ
Rise above events that are inconsequential—both bad and good—for they are not worth disturbing your composure.
8. GENEROSITY Nedivut נְדִיבוּת
Accustom yourself to finding satisfaction in acting kindly toward others and in seeing the meanness of being stingy.
9. TRUST Bitachon בִּטָּחוֹן
If worry comes to your heart, take it as a warning from God who loves you. Examine your deeds and take counsel with those whose advice you seek. When you have fulfilled God’s will, trust God and your serenity will return.
1. ORDERLINESS Seder סֵדֶר
All your actions and possessions should be orderly— each one in a set place and at a set time. Let your thoughts always be free to deal with that which lies ahead of you.
See Genesis Chapter 1--How was the world created? What might that mean for us?
(א) בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה׳ אֱלֹקֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר בִּדְבָרוֹ מַעֲרִיב עֲרָבִים בְּחָכְמָה פּוֹתֵֽחַ שְׁעָרִים וּבִתְבוּנָה מְשַׁנֶּה עִתִּים וּמַחֲלִיף אֶת־הַזְּ֒מַנִּים וּמְסַדֵּר אֶת־הַכּוֹכָבִים בְּמִשְׁמְ֒רוֹתֵיהֶם בָּרָקִֽיעַ כִּרְצוֹנוֹ: בּוֹרֵא יוֹם וָלָֽיְלָה גּוֹלֵל אוֹר מִפְּ֒נֵי חֽשֶׁךְ וְחֽשֶׁךְ מִפְּ֒נֵי אוֹר וּמַעֲבִיר יוֹם וּמֵבִיא לָֽיְלָה וּמַבְדִּיל בֵּין יוֹם וּבֵין לָֽיְלָה ה׳ צְבָאוֹת שְׁמוֹ: אֵל חַי וְקַיָּם תָּמִיד יִמְלֹךְ עָלֵֽינוּ לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד: בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה׳ הַמַּעֲרִיב עֲרָבִים:
(1) Blessed are You, Adonoy, our God, King of the Universe, With His word He brings on evenings, with wisdom He opens the gates3These are the gates of sunrise and sunset through which God, in His infinite wisdom, has divided life on earth into two complementary halves.—Rabbi S.R. Hirsch (of heaven); and with understanding changes4He alternates the three daily periods—evening, morning, and afternoon.—Avudraham the times and alternates the seasons, and arranges the stars in their watches,5The stars appear as watchmen appointed by God to stand guard over the sleeping world below. He also appointed them their places in definite orbits, according to His will, and for purposes known to Him alone.—S.R. Hirsch in the sky, according to His will. He creates day and night, He rolls the light away from before darkness, and darkness from before light; He causes day to pass and brings night, and separates between day and night; Adonoy of Hosts6His Name, ה’ צבאות, means “He Who takes all the infinite variety of hosts and creatures and unites them to act and interact as parts of one unified Universe.”—S.R. Hirsch is His Name. The Almighty, [Who is] living and enduring will always reign over us forever and ever. Blessed are You, Adonoy, Who brings on evening.
עין יעקב בהקדמת הכותב
בן זומא אומר מצינו פסוק כולל יותר והוא שמע ישראל וגו'. בן ננס אומר מצינו פסוק כולל יותר והוא ואהבת לרעך כמוך. שמעון בן פזי אומר מצינו פסוק כולל יותר והוא את הכבש האחד תעשה בבוקר וגו'. עמד ר' פלוני על רגליו ואמר הלכה כבן פזי.
R. Jacob ibn Habib, Introduction to Ein Yaakov (1516)
Ben Zoma says: We have found a more inclusive verse, and it is, “Shema Yisrael.”
Ben Nanas says: We have found a more inclusive verse, and it is, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Shimon Ben Pazi says: We have found a more inclusive verse and it is, “The first lamb you shall sacrifice in the morning and the second lamb you shall sacrifice in the evening.”
Rabbi Ploni stood up and said: The halakha is in accordance with Ben Pazi.
עלי שור ע' שיט
גם בעולם הקטן שהאדם צריך ליצור לעצמו בחייו יש מקום ליחס זה בין סדר ורצון: אם אנו רואים אדם מסודר בעבודתו, אנו מבינים שהוא בעל רצון חזק. על אדם בלתי מסודר נחרץ משפט: או אינו רוצה לעבוד, או – רצונו חלש מכדי לסדר עצמו ועבודתו. ואם בעבודה של דרך ארץ הדברים אמורים, בעבודת השם עאכו"כ. עבודה אמיתית לא תתכן- בלי סדר !
Alei Shor, Rav Shlomo Wolbe, Ch. 19 Order, p. 319
Even in the small world that a person has to create for themself in their life, there is room for this relationship between order and desire: if we see a person orderly in their work, we understand that he has a strong will. An unorganized person is judged: either they do not want to work, or - their will is too weak to organize themself and their work. And if in the work of worldly affairs the things are said, in the service of God, how much the more so. True work will not be possible - without order!
עלי שור ע' שכ
ועד שני
אם קבענו לעצמנו כבר את סדר יומנו, שומה עלינו לשמור אותו בעקביות, ואין זה מהדברים הקלים. ברם, עלינו לדעת כי ההצלחה בעבודה תלויה בזה. הרש"ז מקלם זי"ע ממחיש את ענין הסדר בציור משרשרת של מרגליות, שיש לה מנעול קטן. אם נחקור מהו העיקר – המרגליות או המנעול? לכאורה המרגליות הן העיקר. אך אם אין המנעול, מתפזרות כל המרגליות ונשארים עם החוט לבד – הרי בכ"ז המנעול הוא עיקר גדול! והנה האדם הוא צרור מרגליות: הוא מלא כחות, כשרונות, מידות ומעלות. הסדר דומה למנעול של השרשרת. והנה אם אין לאדם סדר, מתפזרות כל מעלותיו והוא נשאר נעור וריק, אם כן – איזה עיקר גדול הוא הסדר!
שמירת הסדר צריכה תמיד חיזוק: פעם צריכים להפסיק שיחה נאה באמצע בגללו, פעם – לחדול מעסק חביב, פעם צריכים להתגבר על חולשה גופנית ופעם לדחות איזה ענין חשוב. אך בזה הכלל הוא: עקשן יצליח.
יש לקבוע זמן קצר של כמה דקות בערב לפני השינה לסקור את היום איך נשמרו הסדרים. (אדמו"ר קיים בעצמו בכל דקותבמשך שנים מאמר ר"י "יפקדם לבקרים ולרגעים יבחנם" (שע"ת ב, טו) ורשם כל יום מה עשה היום!)
Alei Shor, p. 320
Second Vaad
If we have already set our daily schedule, we must keep it consistently, and this is not one of the easy things. However, we must know that success at work depends on it. Rabbi Simchah Zissel of Kelm [may his merit protect us] illustrates the import of order by drawing a chain of pearls, which has a small lock. If we investigate what is the main thing - the pearls or the lock? Apparently the pearls are the main thing. But if there is no lock, all the links are scattered and you are left with the thread alone - ultimately, the lock is essential! And here the human is a chain of pearls: they are full of strengths, talents, virtues and virtues. The order is similar to the lock of the chain. And here, if a person does not have order, all the virtues are scattered and the person remains unclothed and empty, so - what a great principle is order!
Maintaining order always needs reinforcement: sometimes you have to stop a nice conversation in the middle because of it, sometimes - to stop a pleasant activity, sometimes you have to overcome physical weakness and sometimes postpone some important matter. But in this the rule is: stubborn will succeed.
Set aside a short time of a few minutes in the evening before going to bed to review the day and see how arrangements were kept. (The Rebbe himself maintained for years see 2:15) and recorded every day what he did in every minute of the day!)
2. DELIBERATION Metinut מְתִינוּת
Let not your heart be rash, nor your mouth hasty. Rather, pause several times while speaking or acting to deliberate and calm yourself.
The Mussar Pause
To have self-control than to conquer a city.
Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.
The faithful city
That was filled with justice,
Where righteousness dwelt—
But now murderers.
(א) משֶׁה קִבֵּל תּוֹרָה מִסִּינַי, וּמְסָרָהּ לִיהוֹשֻׁעַ, וִיהוֹשֻׁעַ לִזְקֵנִים, וּזְקֵנִים לִנְבִיאִים, וּנְבִיאִים מְסָרוּהָ לְאַנְשֵׁי כְנֶסֶת הַגְּדוֹלָה. הֵם אָמְרוּ שְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים, הֱווּ מְתוּנִים בַּדִּין, וְהַעֲמִידוּ תַלְמִידִים הַרְבֵּה, וַעֲשׂוּ סְיָג לַתּוֹרָה:
(1) Moses received the Torah at Sinai and transmitted it to Joshua, Joshua to the elders, and the elders to the prophets, and the prophets to the Men of the Great Assembly. They said three things: Be patient in [the administration of] justice, raise many disciples and make a fence round the Torah.
pp. 47-48
The first and most essential quality Mussar calls upon us to
develop is awareness. Clear and focused awareness is the foundation for the work we do to develop the traits of the soul. In the bright light of our own awareness, we are able to see with honesty who we are and the steps we need to take to become who we want to be. With awareness, we can see what life is about; without it, we stumble along in confusion.
Rabbi Perr introduced me to an awareness practice the first day we met. As he was driving me to the railroad station, I asked him if there was a Mussar practice I could take home with me to work on.
He thought a moment, then said, "Well, what you can do is get a rubber band that's big enough to fit around the palm of your hand. Keep it in your pocket, and when you feel impatient or angry, slip it on. No need to do anything more, just put it on." He looked over at me and smiled before turning back to the road.
I couldn't help feeling disappointed. In my readings I had come upon dramatic practices like repeating a stirring phrase "with lips aflame," or practicing awe-inspiring contemplations, so I had been hoping for something more profound than a rubber band. As I have used it, however, the rubber band has proved
to be a remarkably effective little awareness tool. Just remembering to pull it out demands an act of awareness, and its gentle pressure on my skin also prods me to be present in the moment.
Later, when we discussed it, Rabbi Perr laughed as he told me that people sometimes asked him what color rubber band he recommended, or if he would give them his rubber band, as if its power would be enhanced by previous contact with the teacher.
Here's how it works for me. Imagine me sitting in my car waiting for my daughter after school. As every kid but her comes through the door, I become more and more impatient. Then I re- member the rubber band. Just the act of remembering usually helps, because it makes me consciously aware of the impatience welling within me. As awareness kicks in, there appears in my mind's eye an identifiable group of sensations illuminated by the cool light of consciousness. The awareness prevents me from be- ing swallowed up and carried away by those negative sensations, which might otherwise have led me to indulge in a full-blown temper tantrum.
Then, as I slip the rubber band over my hand, my aggrieved little soul is no longer alone in that car. I am suddenly joined by Rabbi Perr, all his students, the Mussar masters and great teach- ers of that tradition, and every other human being who ever fumed with impatience and struggled to master his emotion. What a party in the car! It's surprising there's any room left for my daughter when she finally opens the door to be greeted by my happy smile.
3. LEARNING MINDSET Hitlamdut התלמדות
Every experience and encounter is a learning opportunity.
4. GRATITUDE Hakarat HaTov הכרת הטוב
Appreciation of others, the Other, and the gifts bestowed upon us is a world outlook.
(א) מוֹדֶה אֲנִי לְפָנֶֽיךָ מֶֽלֶךְ חַי וְקַיָּם שֶׁהֶחֱזַֽרְתָּ בִּי נִשְׁמָתִי בְּחֶמְלָה, רַבָּה אֱמוּנָתֶֽךָ:
(1) I give thanks to You living and everlasting Sovereign for You have restored my soul with mercy. Great is Your faithfulness.
(ז) וַיֹּאמֶר ה׳ אֶל משֶׁה אֱמֹר אֶל אַהֲרֹן נְטֵה אֶת מַטְּךָ וְהַךְ אֶת עֲפַר הָאָרֶץ, אָמַר רַבִּי תַּנְחוּם אָמַר לוֹ הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לְמשֶׁה עָפָר שֶׁהֵגֵן עָלֶיךָ כְּשֶׁהָרַגְתָּ אֶת הַמִּצְרִי אֵינוֹ דִין שֶׁיִּלְקֶה עַל יָדֶךָ, לְפִיכָךְ לָקוּ שָׁלשׁ מַכּוֹת אֵלּוּ עַל יְדֵי אַהֲרֹן.
“The Lord said to Moses: Say to Aaron: Extend your staff, and strike the dust of the earth” – Rabbi Tanḥum said: The Holy One blessed be He said to Moses: ‘It is not proper that the dust that protected you when you killed the Egyptian will be stricken by you.’ Therefore, they were stricken with these three plagues by means of Aaron.
(א) בֶּן זוֹמָא אוֹמֵר...אֵיזֶהוּ עָשִׁיר, הַשָּׂמֵחַ בְּחֶלְקוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (תהלים קכח) יְגִיעַ כַּפֶּיךָ כִּי תֹאכֵל אַשְׁרֶיךָ וְטוֹב לָךְ. אַשְׁרֶיךָ, בָּעוֹלָם הַזֶּה. וְטוֹב לָךְ, לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא.
(1) Ben Zoma said:..Who is rich? He who rejoices in his lot, as it is said: “You shall enjoy the fruit of your labors, you shall be happy and you shall prosper” (Psalms 128:2) “You shall be happy” in this world, “and you shall prosper” in the world to come.
Everyday Holiness, Alan Morinis, pp. 66-68
Gratitude Doesn't Come Easy
Yet gratitude often doesn't come easily to us, and it usually takes some ef- fort to develop this quality through practice. When we practice gratitude, we make an effort to heighten our awareness of the gifts we already possess, and so relieve ourselves of the exhausting pursuit of the ever- receding targets of those things we think we lack. No wonder gratitude satisfies the soul. It frees us from compulsive grasping, and so gives us back our lives.
In the Mussar classic Duties of the Heart, Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda tells us that there isn't a person alive who hasn't been given gifts, if only the gifts of life and hope, but we tend to suffer a kind of blindness that keeps us from seeing and appreciating what we have. He identifies three reasons why we fail to see the abundance in our lives for which we ought to be grateful, and it's worth paying attention to what he says because his in- sights are as true for us today as they were nearly one thousand years ago when he wrote them. As you read these points, see if you can identify how these factors play out in your own life and keep you from the gratitude that is the soul's satisfaction.
First, he says we tend not to feel appreciative because we are too absorbed in worldly things and in the enjoyment of them. He points out that physical pleasures can never be fully gratified and so we pursue them endlessly, which keeps us from gratitude for what we have.
Second, we are so used to our gifts that we don't even really see them any more. We have grown so accustomed to them that they appear to us as typical, permanent, unremarkable features of our lives. Because we just take them for granted, we don't see all the good that is in our lives, for which we really could and should be grateful.
And third, we are so focused on the travails and afflictions we suffer in this world that we forget that both our very being and all we own are among the good things that have been gifted to us.
The result of this foolishness, Rabbi Ibn Pakuda concludes, is that "many good things are left unenjoyed, and the happiness to be had from them becomes tainted either because people do not recognize the good in it, or they do not realize its value."
This voice from a millennium ago is saying things that seem to be equally applicable to our lives today. Isn't he pointing to the common feel- ings of entitlement that keep many of us from recognizing the good and being grateful? We are experts in wanting and complaining, and even if the problems are real and things aren't perfect, we don't give due appreciation to what we already have in hand. Yes, the glass is certainly half empty, but it is also half full. Someone once challenged me, "What could a prisoner in a concentration camp be grateful for?" "Being alive," I answered.
5. HUMILITY Anavah עֲנָוָה
Always seek to learn wisdom from everyone, to recognize your failings and correct them. In doing so you will learn to stop thinking about your virtues and you will take your mind off your friend’s faults.
(4) The effect of humility is fear of the LORD, Wealth, honor, and life.
(1) Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because of the Cushite woman he had married: “He married a Cushite woman!” (2) They said, “Has the LORD spoken only through Moses? Has He not spoken through us as well?” The LORD heard it. (3) Now Moses was a very humble man, more so than any other man on earth. (4) Suddenly the LORD called to Moses, Aaron, and Miriam, “Come out, you three, to the Tent of Meeting.” So the three of them went out.
A person exemplifies modesty when he does not regard any of his moral or
intellectual endowments or acts as more important than comparable ones of other people-just because it is his.
(א) "שְׁמַע בְּנִי מוּסַר אָבִיךָ, וְאַל תִּטֹּשׁ תּוֹרַת אִמֶּךָ" (משלי א ח).
(ב) תִּתְנַהֵג תָּמִיד לְדַבֵּר כָּל דְּבָרֶיךָ בְּנַחַת, לְכָל אָדָם וּבְכָל עֵת, וּבַזֶּה תִּנָּצֵל מִן הַכַּעַס, שֶׁהִיא מִדָּה רָעָה לְהַחְטִיא בְּנֵי אָדָם. וְכֵן אָמְרוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ ז"ל (נדרים כב ע"א): כָּל הַכּוֹעֵס – כָּל מִינֵי גֵיהִנּוֹם שׁוֹלְטִים בּוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (קהלת יא י): "וְהָסֵר כַּעַס מִלִּבֶּךָ, וְהַעֲבֵר רָעָה מִבְּשָׂרֶךָ". וְאֵין "רָעָה" אֶלָּא גֵיהִנּוֹם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (משלי טז ד): "וְגַם רָשָׁע לְיוֹם רָעָה".
(ג) וְכַאֲשֶׁר תִּנָּצֵל מִן הַכַּעַס, תַּעֲלֶה עַל לִבְּךָ מִדַּת הָעֲנָוָה, שֶׁהִיא מִדָּה טוֹבָה מִכָּל מִדּוֹת טוֹבוֹת, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (משלי כב ד): "עֵקֶב עֲנָוָה, יִרְאַת ה׳".
(ד) וּבַעֲבוּר הָעֲנָוָה, תַּעֲלֶה עַל לִבְּךָ מִדַּת הַיִּרְאָה, כִּי תִתֵּן אֶל לִבְּךָ תָּמִיד: מֵאַיִן בָּאתָ, וּלְאַן אַתָּה הוֹלֵךְ; וְשֶׁאַתָּה רִמָּה וְתוֹלֵעָה בְּחַיֶּיךָ, וְאַף כִּי בְּמוֹתָךְ; וְלִפְנֵי מִי אַתָּה עָתִיד לִתֵּן דִּין וְחֶשְׁבּוֹן, לִפְנֵי מֶלֶךְ הַכָּבוֹד, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (דה"ב ו יח): "הִנֵּה שָׁמַיִם וּשְׁמֵי הַשָׁמַיִם לֹא יְכַלְכְּלוּךָ", אַף כִּי לִבּוֹת בְּנֵי אָדָם (ע"פ משלי טו יא). וְנֶאֱמַר (ירמיהו כג כד): "הֲלֹא אֵת הַשָׁמַיִם וְאֵת הָאָרֶץ אֲנִי מָלֵא, נְאֻם ה׳".
(ה) וְכַאֲשֶׁר תַּחֲשֹׁב אֶת כָּל אֵלֶּה, תִּירָא מִבּוֹרְאֶךָ וְתִשָּׁמֵר מִן הַחֵטְא, וּבַמִּדוֹת הָאֵלֶּה תִּהְיֶה שָֹמֵחַ בְּחֶלְקֶךָ. וְכַאֲשֶׁר תִּתְנַהֵג בְּמִדַּת הָעֲנָוָה לְהִתְבּוֹשֵׁשׁ מִכָּל אָדָם, וּלְהִתְפַּחֵד מִמֶּנּוּ וּמִן הַחֵטְא – אָז תִּשְׁרֶה עָלֶיךָ רוּחַ הַשְּׁכִינָה, וְזִיו כְּבוֹדָהּ, וְחַיֵּי עוֹלָם הַבָּא.
(ו) וְעַתָּה בְּנִי דַע וּרְאֵה, כִּי הַמִּתְגָּאֶה בְּלִבּוֹ עַל הַבְּרִיוֹת – מוֹרֵד הוּא בְּמַלְכוּת שָׁמַיִם, כִּי מִתְפָּאֵר הוּא בִּלְבוּשׁ מַלְכוּת שָׁמַיִם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (תהלים צג א): "ה׳ מָלָךְ גֵּאוּת לָבֵש", וגו'.
(ז) וּבַמֶה יִתְגָּאֵה לֵב הָאָדָם? אִם בְּעֹשֶׁר – "ה׳ מוֹרִישׁ וּמַעֲשִׁיר" (שמ"א ב ז). וְאִם בְּכָבוֹד – הֲלֹא לֵאלֹקִים הוּא, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (דה"א כט יב): "וְהָעֹשֶׁר וְהַכָּבוֹד מִלְפָנֶיךָ", וְאֵיךְ מִתְפָּאֵר בִּכְבוֹד קוֹנוֹ? וְאִם מִתְפָּאֵר בְּחָכְמָה: "מֵסִיר שָֹפָה לְנֶאֱמָנִים, וְטַעַם זְקֵנִים יִקַח" (איוב יב כ). נִמְצָא: הַכָּל שָׁוֶה לִפְנֵי הַמָּקוֹם, כִּי בְאַפּוֹ מַשְׁפִּיל גֵּאִים, וּבִרְצוֹנוֹ מַגְבִּיהַ שְׁפָלִים. לָכֵן הַשְׁפִּיל עַצְמְךָ, וִינַשַֹּאֲךָ הַמָּקוֹם.
(ח) עַל כֵּן אַפָרֵשׁ לְךָ אֵיךְ תִּתְנַהֵג בְּמִדַּת הָעֲנָוָה, לָלֶכֶת בָּהּ תָּמִיד: כָּל דְבָרֶיךָ יִהְיוּ בְּנַחַת, וְרֹאשְׁךָ כָּפוּף; וְעֵינֶךָ יַבִּיטוּ לְמַטָּה לָאָרֶץ, וְלִבְּךָ לְמַעֲלָה; וְאַל תַּבִּיט בִּפְנֵי אָדָם בְּדַבֶּרְךָ עִמוֹ. וְכָל אָדָם יִהְיֶה גָדוֹל מִמְךָ בְּעֵינֶיךָ: אִם חָכָם אוֹ עָשִׁיר הוּא – עָלֶיךָ לְכַבְּדוֹ. וְאִם רָשׁ הוּא, וְאַתָּה עָשִׁיר אוֹ חָכָם מִמֶנוּ – חֲשֹׁב בְּלִבְּךָ כִּי אַתָּה חַיָּב מִמֶנוּ, וְהוּא זַכַּאי מִמְךָ, שֶׁאִם הוּא חוֹטֵא – הוּא שׁוֹגֵג, וְאַתָּה מֵזִיד.
(ט) בְּכָל דְּבָרֶיךָ וּמַעֲשֶֹיךָ וּמַחְשְׁבוֹתֶיךָ, וּבְכָל עֵת – חֲשׁוֹב בְּלִבָּךְ כְּאִלוּ אַתָּה עוֹמֵד לִפְנֵי הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא וּשְׁכִינָתוֹ עָלֶיךָ, כִּי כְּבוֹדוֹ מָלֵא הָעוֹלָם. וּדְבָרֶיךָ יִהְיוּ בְּאֵימָה וּבְיִרְאָה, כְּעֶבֶד לִפְנֵי רַבּוֹ.
(י) וְתִתְבַּיֵּשׁ מִכָּל אָדָם. וְאִם יִקְרָאֲךָ אִישׁ – אַל תַּעֲנֵהוּ בְּקוֹל רָם, רַק בְּנַחַת כְּעוֹמֵד לִפְנֵי רַבּוֹ.
(יא) וֶהֱוֵי זָהִיר לִקְרוֹת בַּתּוֹרָה תָּמִיד, אֲשֶׁר תּוּכַל לְקַיְּמָהּ. וְכַאֲשֶׁר תָּקוּם מִן הַסֵּפֶר – תְּחַפֵּשֹ בַּאֲשֶׁר לָמַדְתָּ אִם יֵשׁ בּוֹ דָבָר אֲשֶׁר תּוּכַל לְקַיְּמוֹ. וּתְפַשְׁפֵּשׁ בְּמַעֲשֶֹיךָ בַּבֹּקֶר וּבָעֶרֶב, וּבָזֶה יִהְיוּ כָּל יָמֶיךָ בִּתְשׁוּבָה.
(יב) וְהַסֵר כָּל דִבְרֵי הָעוֹלָם מִלִבְּךָ בְּעֵת הַתְּפִלָּה, וְהָכֵן לִבְּךָ לִפְנֵי הַמָּקוֹם בָּרוּךְ הוּא. וְטַהֵר רַעֲיוֹנֶיךָ, וַחֲשֹׁב הַדִּבּוּר קֹדֶם שֶׁתּוֹצִיאֶנּוּ מִפִּיךָ.
(יג) וְכֵן תַּעֲשֶֹה כָּל יְמֵי חַיֵּי הֶבְלֶךָ בְּכָל דָּבָר וְדָבָר, וְלֹא תֶחֱטָא. וּבָזֶּה יִהְיוּ דְּבָרֶיךָ וּמַעֲשֶֹיךָ וּמַחְשְׁבוֹתֶיךָ יְשָׁרִים; וּתְפִלָּתְךָ תִּהְיֶה זַכָּה וּבָרָה וּנְקִיָּה, וּמְכֻוֶּנֶת וּמְקֻבֶּלֶת לִפְנֵי הַמָּקוֹם בָּרוּךְ הוּא, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (תהלים י יז): "תָּכִין לִבָּם – תַּקְשִׁיב אָזְנֶךָ".
(יד) תִּקְרָא הָאִגֶּרֶת הַזֹּאת פַּעַם אַחַת בְּשָׁבוּעַ וְלֹא תִפְחֹת, לְקַיְּמָהּ וְלָלֶכֶת בָּהּ תָּמִיד אַחַר הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ, לְמַעַן תַּצְלִיחַ בְּכָל דְּרָכֶיךָ, וְתִזְכֶּה לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא הַצָּפוּן לַצַּדִּיקִים. וּבְכָל יוֹם שֶׁתִּקְרָאֶנָּה – יַעֲנוּךָ מִן הַשָּׁמַיִם כַּאֲשֶׁר יַעֲלֶה עַל לִבְּךָ לִשְׁאֹל, עַד עוֹלָם. אָמֵן סֶלָה.
(1) "Listen, my son, to the thought of your father, and do not forsake the teaching of your mother." (Proverbs 1:8)
(2) Accustom yourself to always speak all of your words calmly, to every man and at every time. In doing so you will prevent your anger from flaring, which is a bad attribute in a man which may cause him to sin. And accordingly said our Rabbis, may their memories be a blessing: (Nedarim 22a) "Anyone who gets angry - all of Gehinnom holds sway over him, as it says: (Kohelet 11:10) 'And remove the anger from your heart, and take away the bad from your flesh', and 'bad' can only mean Gehinnom, as it says (Proverbs 16:4): 'And the sinner, he too, will have his day of bad'."
(3) When you will have freed yourself from anger, the quality of humility will enter your heart which is the best of all good traits, as is written(Mishlei 22:4), "The return for humility is fear of G-d."
(4) Through humility you will also come to fear God. It will cause you to always think about (Pirkei Avot 3:1) "where you came from and where you are going," and that while alive you are only like a maggot and a worm as after death, and before Whom you will eventually stand for judgment, the Glorious King, as it is written (I Kings 8:27) (Chronicles II 6:18) "Even the heaven and the heavens of heaven cannot contain You" -- "How much less the hearts of people!"(Mishlei 15:11), It is also written (Jeremiah 23:24), "Do I not fill heaven and earth? says the Lord."
(5) When you think about all these things, you will come to fear God who created you, and you will protect yourself from sinning and thereby be happy with whatever happens to you. Also, when you act humbly and modestly before everyone, and fear God and (fear) sin, the radiance of His glory and the spirit of the Shechina (Divine Presence) will rest upon you, and you will live the life of the World to Come!
(6) And now, my son, understand and observe that whoever feels that he is greater than others is rebelling against the Kingship of Heaven, because he is adorning himself with His garments, as it is written (Psalms 93:1), "The Lord reigns, He wears clothes of pride."
(7) What cause does one have for pride? Perhaps his wealth? "The Lord impoverishes and enriches" (I Samuel 2:7). Perhaps his honor? It belongs to God, as it is written (I Chronicles 29:12), "Wealth and honor come from You." So how could one adorn himself with G-d's honor? And one who prides himself in his wisdom surely knows that God "takes away the speech of assured men and reasoning from the sages" (Job 12:20). Thus, all are equal before God, since with His anger He lowers the proud and when He wishes He raises the low. So humble yourself and G-d will raise you up!
(8) Therefore, I will now explain to you how to always behave humbly. Speak gently at all times, with your head bowed, your eyes looking down to the ground and your heart focusing on God. Don't look at the face of the person to whom you are speaking. Consider everyone as greater than yourself. If he is wise or wealthy, you should give him respect. If he is poor and you are wealthier or wiser than he, consider yourself to be more guilty than he, and that he is more worthy than you, since when he sins it is inadvertent, while you act knowingly!
(9) In all your actions, words and thoughts, always regard yourself as standing before God, with His Shechinah (Divine Presence) above you, for His glory fills the whole world. Speak with fear and awe, as a servant in the presence of his master.
(10) Act with restraint in front of everyone. When someone calls you, don't answer loudly, but calmly, as one who stands before his master.
(11) Take heed to study Torah constantly, so you will be able to fulfill its commands. When you arise from your learning reflect carefully on what you have studied, to find a lesson in it that you can be put into practice. Examine your actions every morning and evening, and in this way every one of your days will be spent in returning (to God).
(12) Remove all worldly concerns from your heart during prayer. Prepare your heart before God, purify your thoughts and think about the words before you utter them.
(13) Do this each and every day of your life, in all of your activities and you will not come to sin. This way all your words, deeds and thoughts will be proper, your prayers will be pure, clear, clean, appropriate and acceptable to God, as it is written (Psalms 10:17), "When their heart is directed to You, listen to them."
(14) Read this letter at least once a week and not less. Fulfill it, and in so doing, walk with it forever in the ways of the Lord, may He be blessed, so that you will succeed in all your ways. This is how you will succeed and merit the World to Come which is reserved for the righteous. Every day that you shall read this letter, heaven shall answer whatever arises in your heart to request, forever. Amen, Sela!
Rebbe Simcha Bunim of Peshischa
“Everyone should have two pockets, each containing a slip of paper.
On one should be written: I am but dust and ashes, and on the other: The world was created for me.
Wisdom is knowing when to reach into which pocket.”
See Tomer Devora Chapter 2 in Channeling Divine: Tomer Devora Section of Sourcebook
6. PATIENCE Savlanut סַבְלָנוּת
When something bad happens to you and you do not have the power to avoid it, do not aggravate the situation through wasted grief.
(ט) וְכֵן לְעִנְיַן הַטּוֹבָה. מִרְיָם הִמְתִּינָה לְמשֶׁה שָׁעָה אַחַת, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (שמות ב) וַתֵּתַצַּב אֲחֹתוֹ מֵרָחֹק, לְפִיכָךְ נִתְעַכְּבוּ לָהּ יִשְׂרָאֵל שִׁבְעָה יָמִים בַּמִּדְבָּר, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (במדבר יב) וְהָעָם לֹא נָסַע עַד הֵאָסֵף מִרְיָם.
(9) The mishna continues: And the same is so with regard to the reward of good deeds; a person is rewarded measure for measure. Miriam waited for the baby Moses for one hour at the shore of the Nile, as it is stated: “And his sister stood afar off, to know what would be done to him” (Exodus 2:4). Therefore the Jewish people delayed their travels in the desert for seven days to wait for her when she was smitten with leprosy, as it is stated: “And Miriam was confined outside of the camp seven days; and the people journeyed not until Miriam was brought in again” (Numbers 12:15).
(ב) אלא שבכל זאת מחמת שהאדם עשוי להתרשל או לאטום אזנו בפני ההתראה הזאת, מחמת העצלות או רוח התאות המושרשים בנפשו הבהמית, ועי"כ הוא נלכד לפעמים בחבלי יסורין הבאין עליו בהיסח הדעת, ואעפ"כ עדיין חוט של חסדו ית' מתוח עליו, להוסיף עוד יגון על יגונו ע"י החרטה, דהיינו כשהוא מסתכל לאחוריו ומצטער הרבה על שלא נזהר בשעת הכושר, ולא שמע לקול מוכיחיו ומוריו, ובכן מתחדר כאבו יותר ויותר לחדרי בטן, ועי"כ הוא מתחוקק בעומק הנפש לזכרון לימים הבאים שלא יחזור ויבשל בהם. והנה צער החרטה הזאת מתמדת יותר מן היסורין עצמן, לפי שהיא עשויה להתעורר גם זמן רב אחר שכבר נסתלק הכאב, בכל פעם שנזכר בו, ופעמים שהיא באה, אפילו אחר איזה חטא גרידא, אלא שהיא נטפלת אז לצער הדאגה מן הפורעניות, ועוקצת מאד בעומק הנפש, וזהו מקור התשובה שנבראה למרק כתמי העונות הישנות, ולמחות זכר יצרם מלבבנו:
However, because someone may nevertheless neglect or turn a deaf ear to this warning, out of laziness or the spirit of lust rooted in their animal soul, consequently they are caught in the ropes of torment brought upon them by distraction. And yet still a thread of Divine grace is stretched over that individual, to add more grief to their grief due to regret. That is, when they look back they greatly regret their carelessness, and that they did not listen to the voice of their reprovers and teachers in good time. And their pain penetrates more and more into their guts, and carves a memory in the depths of their soul for the days to come so that they will not repeat the mistake and stew in it. And the pain of this regret is more ever present and painful than the original torments themselves, since they last even long after the pain has already gone. That pain is recalled from time to time, sometimes after small sins, and it is reproduced as suffering from the fear of those calamities, and stings deeply in the soul. And this is the source of repentance, created to clear the stains of past sins and to eradicate the trace of their desire from our hearts:
(א) וכל זה לא מיירי אלא מהרפתקאות רעות שהיינו יכולין להמלט מהם קודם לכן, או שיש בידינו למצוא תרופה להתריס כנגדם עכשיו, אמנם לאותן מאורעות קשות המתרגשין לבוא עלינו בכח שלא היה בנו יכולת לקדם אותם ולא להתקומם כנגדן בבואן, הכין לנו השי"ת עדיין תרופת חינוך הסבלנות, שעי"כ יכולין להקהות גם צער הנפש, כמו שמחלישין הרגשת הכאב ע"י תחבולות מסוגלים להקשות צינורות המוחין וקרומיהן (סי' כ"ז בהג"ה) וכמש"ה רוח איש יכלכל מחלהו וכו' (משלי י"ח):
And all of the above refers to bad experiences that could have been avoided, or that we can find a remedy to protect against them now. However, for those difficult events that are excited to come upon us by force, that we did not have the ability to preempt nor fight against them when they came, the Blessed One still prepared for us an educational remedy of Patience. [Patience] can strike a blow to the pain in the soul.. as it says in Scripture: “the spirit of a human can overcome all their sickness,” etc. (Proverbs 18):
(א) אבל אוי לו לאיש המפונק שלא נתחנך לסבלנות מימיו, שהרי בין היום ומחר סופו לשתות מכוס היסורין של נסיון או כפרה, המיועדים לבוא על האדם בעה"ז, כמש"ה אדם לעמל יולד (איוב י"ד), כי הנה הרגשת צערו וכאבו חדה יותר מכל אדם, ולא עוד אלא שנטפלת אליה גם צער החרטה לריק כדרך הבוערים האומללים, המלאים חרטות של מה בכך לאמר, אילו לא נכנסתי לעסק זה לא פגע בי מקרה רע הזה, ואילו הייתי מתעכב עוד שעה אחת במקום פלוני לא הייתי נכשל בכאן וכיוצא בזה, שהרי לא בראנו הקב"ה כלנו נביאים, ולא הרשנו אלא להשתמש באותה זהירות של בינה שחנן אותנו ברחמיו, אבל לא להתחכם יותר מדאי כמש"ה (דברים י"ח) תמים תהיה עם ה׳ אלקיך, והמבעט ביסורין של הקב"ה ומתרעם על מדותיו ח"ו לוקה ומשתלם בעון כפלים, וטועם טעם חיבוט הקבר בחייו עד שמררתו פוקעת בקרבו, ופעמים שיוצא מדעתו או מת מתוך חרופין וגדופין ר"ל:
But woe to the spoiled person who does not learn patience in their life, for between today and tomorrow they will end up drinking from the cup of suffering, tribulation or atonement, which are destined for humans in this world, as in is written, “The human was born to labor” (Job 14). But they experience sorrow and pain more sharply because they suffer the pain of remorse for naught like the unfortunate burners, who are full of trifling regrets, saying, if I had not entered into this business, this bad incident would not have affected me, and if I had lingered one more hour in such and such a place, I would not have stumbled here and the like. For God Almighty did not create us all prophets, and only allows us to use the same prudence of intelligence that
God mercifully bestowed upon us,
but not to outsmart too much, as is written: (Deuteronomy 18) Be complete with the Lord your God,
עלי שור, סבלנות ע' ריד-רטו
ועד ראשון
התורה מעידה על מרע"ה "והאיש משה ענו מאד מכל האדם אשר על פני האדמה", וביאר רש"י: "ענו – שפל וסבלן". הרי סבלנות היא ענף הענוה. אולם, אף שהענוה היא מהמעלות העליונות בסולמו של ר' פנחס בן יאיר – הסבלנות היא בתחום היכולת גם לפשוטים כמונו. בכלל, מידה זו אינה מעלה, בבחינת מילי דחסידותא, אלא הכרח גדול בכל יחסי בני אדם. הרש"ז מקלם נ"ע כתב: "מי יתן ונתרגל במידת הסבל, כי זה שורש כל המידות והמנוחה ושורש כל המעלות. זה השער לה׳ צדיקים יבואו בו', מה הוא – 'אודך כי עניתני', וזאת - ותהי לי לישועה'!" (חכמה ומוסר ח"א עמ' תלב). הרי הסבלנות היא מידה כללית ושורש
למעלות רבות.
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אי אפשר לבנות יחס של חברה טובה בלי סבלנות. שנים הקובעים לימוד בצוותא, ולהם תכונות שונות, הרגלים שונים, כשרונות שונים – איך תוכל הקביעות שלהם להחזיק מעמד? רק על ידי שיתרגלו לסבול אחד את השני. שלשה הדרים בחדר אחד – בלי סבלנות ייהפך החדר להם לגיהנום! ארבעה האוכלים בקביעות על שלחן אחד – אם לא יתרגלו בסבלנות יצטרכו במשך הזמן לברוח מהשלחן!
ומהי סבלנות? הסבלן דומה ממש לאדם הנושא משא כבד, ואף שהוא כבד עליו הוא ממשיך ללכת בדרכו ואינו נלאה לשאתו. כך הוא בכל היחסים שבין בני אדם: אנו רואים ושומעים הרבה דברים שאינם לפי רוחנו ובכל זאת ממשיכים להיות חברים טובים. גרוע מזה: יש, וחבר ממש פוגע בנו, אם בעקיצה בעלמא אם בדרישה בלתי הוגנת, אם בטענה בלתי מוצדקת - וכל אלה סובלים, ממש כנושא המשא הכבד; התפרצות בכעס או דחיה נמרצת דומה לפריקת המשא: הסבלן אינו "פורק מעצמו" את משא החברות הטובה. עוד יותר גרוע מזה: רואים חבר עושה עבירה וגם אז נשארים לו חברים טובים. וכאן יש מקום לזהירות: אסור שסבלנות תביא לידי אדישות, ח"ו! עבירה שרואים צריכה לכאוב היטב, בכל חומר הדין, וכל מה שעושה העבירה יותר קרוב ללב, יותר כואב הדבר - ובכל זאת סובלים את החבר, כאותו נושא משא כבד. חייבים להוכיח, אך גם להיות "נושא עון".
הוי אומר: כל יחסי בני אדם אינם קשרים מקריים. האדם הוא "יצור חברתי", וכל ישראל חברים וערבים זה בזה, חבר "נושא" את חברו ושכן "נושא" את שכינו. כל אדם חדש שאני בא במגע אתו מטיל עלי "משא" חדש לשאתו ולסבלו. האם זה אומר שאני צריך לקבל ממנו כל דבר ולשתוק ? לא ולא! אבל מתוך סבלנות מגיעים לתגובה שקולה: שוללים דרישה בלתי מוצדקת, אבל מתוך הארת פנים; משיבים על טענה בלתי נכונה, אבל דברים נכוחים; מוכיחים על עבירה, אבל מתוך אהבה, ובדברים של טעם – וכל אלה בלי שום כעס או התמרמרות, ובודאי בלי שום התנשאות. אכן, סבלנות היא ענף של הענוה, אבל ענף שגם פשוטי העם מוכרחים להתלמד בו. על סבלנות כזאת אמרו חז"ל ששואלים את האדם בדין: "המלכת חברך עליך בנחת רוח ?" (המאמר מובא בראשית חכמה בשער היראה פי"ב).
נתלמד, איפוא, להיות סבלנים: נקבע לעצמנו זמן מסוים כל יום, כרבע שעה, ובו נשתדל לשאת ולסבול כל מה שאנו רואים ושומעים, אע"פ שאינו כלל לפי רוחנו ואפילו אם הוא פוגע בנו, מבלי לאבד מנוחת נפשנו כלל, ובמקרה שיש צורך או חיוב להגיב – נגיב בדברים שקולים ומדודים בלי שום התרגשות. זמן זה של התלמדות יהיה, כמובן, זמן שיש בו מגע עם חברים, אם בלימוד אם בסעודה. נתלמד בזה באותו זמן מסוים שבועות אחדים עד שנעמוד על טיב המידה הזאת ועד שנצליח בה. אחרי זה נעביר את זמן ההתלמדות לשעה אחרת ביום שבה באים במגע עם בני אדם אחרים או עם חברים יותר מרובים וגם בזה נתלמד עד שנצליח גם בשעה זו. כך נעביר את שעת ההתלמדות כארבע פעמים או יותר, למשל: משעת לימוד עם חבר לשעת סעודה עם כמה חברים, לשעת שהיה בחדר עם חברים אחרים וכדומה. ונתלמד בזה תקופה ממושכת עד ש"נלמד" את המידה היטב, וייחרת בלבנו ציור זה של סבלנות ויידחה הציור של תגובה בכעס ושל פריקת המשא של חברים, ועד שנרגיש היטב את היופי של מידת הסבלנות.
Alei Shor, Savlanut, The First Vaad, pp. 214-15
The Torah testifies about Moses, peace be upon him, "And the man Moses was the most humble (anav) of all the people on the face of the earth", and Rashi explained: "humble/anav- lowly and patient". Thus we learn that patience is a branch of humility. However, even though humility is one of the highest virtues on Rabbi Pinchas ben Yair's scale, patience is within the realm of ability even for simpletons like us. In general, this characteristic is not a virtue connected to hassidim, but a great necessity in all human relations. Rabbi Simhah Zissel, may of Kelm, may he rest in Eden, wrote: "May we get accustomed to sevel/suffering/patience, for this is the root of all virtues, rest, and good character. “This is the gate to the Lord in which the righteous will come." !" and what is “I will thank you because anitani (you answered me/you made me humble)” that “it will be a source of redemption for me” (Psalms 218:21). Thus, patience is a general midah and the root of many virtues. -
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You can't build a relationship of a healthy society without patience. Two set up a fixed hevruta study together, and they have different qualities, different habits, different talents - how can their relationship last? Only by getting used to tolerating each other. Three sharing a dorm room - without patience, their room will turn into hell! Four who regularly eat at one table - if they don't get accustomed to employing patience, they will have to escape over time!
What is Savlanut? The Savlan is similar to one who bears a heavy load, and even though it’s heavy on them, they continue to go on their way and do not tire of bearing it. Such is with all relationships among human beings - we see and hear many things which don’t sit well and despite that, we remain friends. Worse than this: a friend really offends us, whether with a simple sting or an unreasonable demand, or an unfounded claim - all of these we bear, precisely like bearing a heavy load. An outburst of anger or a strong rebuff is like throwing off this weight - the Savlan does not throw off the burden of a great friendship. Worse still than this - we see a friend sinning and yet we remain good friends. And here there is a place for caution (zehirut): it’s forbidden to let Savlanut bring us to apathy, God forbid! A sign that we see should bring us tremendous pain, and to the extent that the sin is close to our heart, it should [pain us more. And despite this, we demonstrate Savlanut with our friend, as an actual heavy load. We must rebuke, but also be "the bearer of an iniquity."
That is to say: All human relationships are not accidental connections. The human is a "social creature", and all of Israel are friends and responsible for each other, a friend "carries" his friend and a neighbor "carries" his neighbor. Every new person I come into contact with puts a new "burden" on me to carry and endure. Does this mean I should accept everything from them and keep quiet? By no means! But out of patience they arrive at a considered response: they deny an unjustified claim, but with a smile; Respond to an incorrect claim, but in a way that can be heard; call out an inappropriate behavior, but out of love, and tastefully - and all this without any anger or resentment, and certainly without any condescension. Indeed, savlanut is a branch of humility, but a branch that even the common people must learn. Sages say that a person will ultimately be judged about such savlanut: "did you act towards your fellow in a kind way?".
Let us learn, therefore, to be patient: we set a certain time for ourselves every day, about fifteen minutes, in which we will try to bear and tolerate everything we see and hear, even if it is not at all to our liking and even if it hurts us, without losing our peace of mind at all, and in case there is a need to respond - we will respond in reasonable and measured manner. This time of learning will be, of course, a time where there is contact with friends. We will move the trial time to another time of the day when we come into contact with other people or with more friends and we will learn at this time as well until we succeed at this time as well, so we will move the trial time about four times or more, for example: from study time with a friend to dinner time with several friends, to the time in the room with other friends, etc. And we will study this for a long period of time until we "learn" the measure well, and this image of patience will be ingrained in our hearts and the image of reacting in anger and of unloading the burden of friends will be rejected, until we feel the beauty of the middah of savlanut.
Revisit Tomer Devora Midah 1-2
No matter how you may conceive of God or the creative force that stands behind the universe, there is no doubt that this ultimate source of life is endowed with patience, especially when compared to us. Think of the pace of earthly eras, creeping along as slowly as glaciers advancing and retreating in an ice age. Stars and galaxies are born, mature, and pass away. And as for us, what the Mussar tradition offers as evidence for God's patience is the fact that our lives are sustained, even when we do wrong. It's not hard to imagine a universe where there is absolutely no margin for error, where punishment is instantaneous and total, but that isn't the world we live in. God is patient and preserves our lives even when our actions happen to hit way off the mark, to give us time to come to deeper realizations, make amends, and return to a straighter way.
7. EQUANIMITY Menuchat HaNefesh מְנוּחַת הַנֶפֶשׁ
Rise above events that are inconsequential—both bad and good—for they are not worth disturbing your composure.
In tracing Isaac’s life throughout Genesis—from the Akeidah to the moment when Rebekah “alights” from her camel, literally “falling” in love with him, until his dying breath at the end of Genesis 35— we wonder: how does Isaac endure a life that vacillates between joy and deep pain, comfort and trauma, loss and love? We might ask if and how he is able to maintain “equanimity” ((מְנוּחַת הַנֶּפֶשׁ, m’nuchat hanefesh) during his soul-stirring life journey? What can we moderns learn from his life as we face the highs and lows of being human? And what are the ways the Mussar value of equanimity can sustain us, as well?
Mussar scholars describe the middah of equanimity with various Hebrew terms: m’nuchat hanefesh (“calmness of the soul”), yishuv hada’at (יִשּׁוּב הַדַּעַת, “a settled mind”), or shalvah (שַׁלְוָה, “serenity”). It is a state of being through which a person can face any situation—from turmoil to tranquility—without being moved from the centered self. Like a surfer in the ocean, no matter the destabilizing waves splashing and smashing down around us, one with attuned equanimity is anchored by a stable inner core.
Jewish sources use several terms to name the soul-trait of undisturbed equanimity, the most descriptive of which is menuchat hanafesh, calmness of the soul. The Mussar teachers see the importance of a calm soul, but they don't see that inner state as a final station called "Peace and Tranquility" where the journey ends, even as life continues. Instead, they view equanimity as an inner balance that coexists with a world and an experience that accepts turbulence and even turmoil, because that's just the way life is.
In the Jewish view, the goal of spiritual life is not to reach an enlightened state in which all the questions and conundrums of life are unknotted with finality, but rather to become much more skilled at the processes of living. This view applies fully to the soul-trait of equanimity, which does not spell the end of our struggles, rather is an inner quality we can cultivate to equip ourselves to handle the inevitable ups and downs of life.
A person who has mastered peace of mind has gained everything. To obtain peace of mind, you need to be at peace with your emotions and desires.
8. GENEROSITY Nedivut נְדִיבוּת
Accustom yourself to finding satisfaction in acting kindly toward others and in seeing the meanness of being stingy.
This same interplay of responsibility and open-hearted giving is a feature of many healthy human relationships. Strong relationships cannot rely only on freewill desire to give and connect. Such relation-ships, while feeling good in the moment, are undependable. I want to know that good friends feel committed to me and that they do not base their involvement in the relationship only on how they feel in the moment. On the other hand, relationships must be more than just obligations.
-Rabbi David Jaffe
גימל דלת גמול דלים מאי טעמא פשוטה כרעיה דגימל לגבי דלת שכן דרכו של גומל חסדים לרוץ אחר דלים ומאי טעמא פשוטה כרעיה דדלת לגבי גימל דלימציה ליה נפשיה ומאי טעמא מהדר אפיה דדלת מגימל דליתן ליה בצינעה כי היכי דלא ליכסיף מיניה
Gimmel dalet means give to the poor [gemol dalim]. Why is the leg of the gimmel extended toward the dalet? Because it is the manner of one who bestows loving-kindness (gimilut chassadim) to run after the poor. And why is the leg of the dalet extended toward the gimmel? It is so that a poor person will make himself available to him who wants to give him charity. And why does the dalet face away from the gimmel? It is to teach that one should give charity discreetly so that the poor person will not be embarrassed by him. The children continued to interpret the letters.
בפסוק כל נדיב לבו יביאה את תרומת יקוק כו'. דאיתא במדרש מים רבים לא יוכלו לכבות כו' האהבה כו' בני עשו לי יריעות עזים ושכנתי בתוכם כו'. והענין הוא כי האהבה והדביקות אשר קיבלו בנ"י בהר סיני הוא חי וקיים לעולם. אבל ע"י החטא אינם יכולין להוציא מכח אל הפועל אהבה הגנוזה. ולכן אחר החטא הוצרכו לזו הנדבה. שבכח התרומה הזו הוציאו הנדיבות והתשוקה והדביקות מכח אל הפועל עד שהמשיכו את השכינה למטה. ולכן נק' משכן העדות שהוא עדות שהשכינה שורה בישראל [...] ומלאכת המשכן הי' עדות על כל הדורות להודיע שאעפ"י שהחטא מבדיל מ"מ לא יוכל לכבות האהבה כנ"ל:
On the verse "every generous-hearted person shall bring them--gifts for the Lord" (Ex. 35:4). The midrash [in Exodus Rabbah 49] quotes: "Vast floods cannot quench love, nor rivers drown it" [Song of Songs 8:7], commenting, "My children made me a sanctuary of mere skins, and I came down and dwelt among them." The point is that the love and attachment to God that the children of Israel received at Mount Sinai is live and extant for eternity. But due to sin, they could not actualize this hidden love. Therefore, after the sin [of the Golden Calf], they needed this form of generosity. For through the power of giving, generosity and longing and cleaving went from potential to actual, and they drew the Shekhinah down. This is why the mishkan is called the "Tabernacle of witness," for it testifies that the Shekhinah dwells with Israel. . . This testimony lasts for all generations to show that even though sin might alienate, "nothing can quench love."
Indeed, the Hebrew word for “sacrifice” is korban, from the root ק-ר-ב, meaning “to draw close.” The entire sacrificial system is an exercise in drawing close and being in relationship with God—and, by extension, with oneself and others. Embedded in the details of the sacrificial system are clues to having successful relationships. The middah of generosity (n’divut, נְדִיבוּת) is central to the process.
The Mussar text The Duties of the Heart offers a vivid description of how the narcissistic and selfish yetzer ha’ra makes every effort to discourage a person from giving generously. This donation will put you in grave financial danger, it might say. Or suddenly you will see a vision of yourself living in abject poverty. Or that voice will tell you that any donation is simply beyond your means. Or that the people you might give to don’t deserve it. Or you gave yesterday. Or you need it more than they do. Or . . . The yetzer ha’ra is very clever. It will only spout words and images that have the potential to inhibit your own heart. Why? Ultimately, not to prevent you from giving, but to challenge you to grow beyond the level of generosity where you are today. In this way, the yetzer ha’ra can be a force for the good.
“It is a wonder. If a person thinks great thoughts about generosity, and has many profound new concepts about it, this thinking will not enable him to acquire the attribute of generosity. But if he gives one coin to a thousand poor people, through this he will surely acquire generosity."
One student had an experience around giving something other than money. She and her colleagues at work had been having difficulties, and she wasn’t getting along with one in particular. “Our styles, worldviews, and priorities were quite different,” she noted. With a focus on generosity practice, she said to herself, “Well, perhaps I can come to the relationship with generosity of spirit—which to me means not having always to be right, and to see that I don’t have to change her. I will ask myself to be generous enough to give her way of being in the world space to operate.” She had the opportunity to put that resolution into action the next morning. “I approached her to try to recalibrate our relationship,” she said, “and I did so with the soul-trait of generosity in mind. That intention changed my attitude, and in response, my colleague responded differently to me as well. I believe that entering the conversation with this spirit of generosity made the outcome positive and useful.” Gifts given with the express purpose of thawing a frozen heart will, in time, cause fear to melt away and trust to grow. Each act of generosity works to pry open the heart a little, like clearing a blocked stream one pebble at a time. The flow of spontaneity is then freed to follow. It may seem strange to practice generosity in order to do work on your own heart. That might even seem somehow to undermine the very quality of generosity itself, since the intention also involves a reward to the giver. Therein lies some of the magic of generosity. It rewards all. In Hebrew, the phrase “and they shall give”—v’natnu—is spelled vav-nun-tavnun-vav. That’s a palindrome, a word that is spelled the same way whether you read it left to right or right to left. Such is the flow of generosity.
9. TRUST Bitachon בִּטָּחוֹן
If worry comes to your heart, take it as a warning from God who loves you. Examine your deeds and take counsel with those whose advice you seek. When you have fulfilled God’s will, trust God and your serenity will return.
EFFORT AND TRUST
The balance of effort with trust is a major theme in the Bible. Take, for example, the Jewish people's exodus from Egypt." Why didn't God just burden the Egyptians with plagues and free the Israelites? Curiously, God asks Moses to take the lead in approaching the pharaoh and demanding the Israelite's freedom. Only after the pharaoh rejects these requests does God intervene with the plagues. Why does God need Moses for the Israelite liberation?
God and Moses's relationship models a core spiritual reality referred to by many teachers as hishtadlut and bitachon. Hishtadlut, from the root Shin. Daled. Lamed., means "effort" and refers to the work we do to achieve our goals. Bitachon, from the root Bet. Tet. Chet., means "trust" or "security" and refers to relying on others, God, or something beyond our control. Hishtadlut and bitachon exist in a dynamic tension. A life of one without the other would be frustrating or absurd while in balance they produce a life filled with striving and meaning.
If you are reading this book, you are probably well practiced at hishtadlut. Hishtadlut involves planning, strategizing, organizing, advocacy, lobbying, fundraising, and service. In the premodern Jewish communities of Europe, the shtadlan was the court Jew who had the cash, clout, and connections to intervene with the bishops and kings to protect his people. In the story above, the staff and volunteers of Helping Hand put in lots of effort creating a strategic plan, deciding to add employment assistance, cultivating donors, and hiring contractors. The computer room would never have been built without all that effort. For people concerned with social justice, hishtadlut is so fundamental to what we do that there doesn't seem like there is anything else. This is where bitachon comes in.
In our modern, secular society, bitachon is a strange and uncomfortable concept. It calls for giving up control and having faith in something outside of ourselves. In our ego-driven, can-do culture, bitachon can seem like a cop-out. Bitachon is an inner quality; it is quiet, subtle, and hard to measure. It is the confidence that comes with knowing you can rely on something that is not completely in your control. In Dov's case he relied on the worthiness of their cause, his knowledge that there was more money out there, and the fact that there were greater forces at work, including God, in the decisions people make about how to spend their money.
There are compelling reasons why bitachon is so challenging. For moderns, whose belief in an all-powerful, all-knowing, and loving deity has been severely weakened by over two centuries of rationalist, scientific thinking and the horrific violence and suffering of two world wars, to simply rely on God to take care of you rings hollow. How can I trust a God who allowed Auschwitz to happen? There is no stronger challenge to the idea that we can rely on God than that. As a result of this very reasonable rejection of relying on God or anything outside of ourselves, many moderns, and particularly Jews, act as if there is nothing outside our own effort. This belief belies that reality that it is indeed possible to strike a graceful balance between human effort and trust. The biblical story of the manna from heaven gives us a glimpse at the deeper issues involved in balancing effort with trust and the costs of not doing so.
BITACHON AND MAKING A LIVING:
THE MANNA TEST
Just days after the Israelites crossed the Reed Sea on their way out of Egyptian slavery, accompanied by ample divine pyrotechnics, God gives them a test to see if they have internalized the faith they professed at the sea. God provides manna bread but only allows the people to take exactly what they need and not save any for the next day. If they do save it, it rots."
Why did God choose food as the object of this test? Food is symbolic of our livelihood. Providing for our own material well-being and that of our family has been one of the core sources of anxiety throughout human history. Will we have enough to eat? The feeling of scarcity awakened by this question is closely connected to the yetzer harah. As we described in chapter, an overly developed feeling of scarcity can lead to greed, violence, and the worst aspects of human behavior.
The manna test was carefully crafted. God could have just given every household the amount of manna it needed to fulfill its daily nutritional requirements. Rather, they had to work for their food by collecting the manna from the field. This requirement echoes God's curse to Adam in the Garden of Eden after eating the forbidden fruit that from now on he would need to work the land to get its produce." Part of being human is that we need to work for our food.
But this comes with another challenge. We feel pride in our labor and our ability to make things and support ourselves. The Torah warns us not to say, "My own power and the might of my own hand have won this wealth for me." The Torah is calling on us to do something quite counterintuitive and perhaps paradoxical. We need to use our capability to earn a livelihood (symbolized by collecting the manna) and, at the same time, recognize that it was not just our own capabilities that earned us this livelihood (symbolized by the need to trust that more food will be there tomorrow). Thus, we don't get to do whatever we want with it (symbolized by the need to not hoard the leftover manna).
This is an important statement about our relationship to the natural resources of the universe. In an ultimate way, we are stewards and not owners in that we are not privileged to do whatever we want with the world's natural resources. There is a way of being in relationship with these resources that keeps them coming in the future.