Livestreamers and Praying Dreamers: Parasocial Relationships in Judaism

Unsurprisingly, during the pandemic these sorts of relationships have assumed heightened importance. For many of us, periodically trapped at home and unable to socialise, our favourite creators and media personalities have stepped into the breach left by our real-life friends. We feel as if we know these people and, indeed, we sort of do – we know how old they were when they had their first kiss, and how long it took them to get over their last break-up, what their bathrooms look like perhaps, and where they’re going on holiday next month. We feel like we’re sort of friends, or would be friends given the opportunity...If ever there was a media format that lends itself to parasocial fandom, it is the podcast. The way we consume them – one-to-one, a familiar voice chattering away in our ears, often in the privacy of our own homes – makes podcasts a particularly intimate experience, and for many listeners that “friendship experience” is a huge part of their appeal.

Otegha Uwagba, 2023

“The interaction, characteristically, is: one-sided, nondialectical, controlled by the performer, and not susceptible of mutual development"(Horton and Wohl, 1956 [formatting mine])

חבקוק א׳:א׳-ג׳

(א) הַמַּשָּׂא֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר חָזָ֔ה חֲבַקּ֖וּק הַנָּבִֽיא׃ (ב) עַד־אָ֧נָה ה׳ שִׁוַּ֖עְתִּי וְלֹ֣א תִשְׁמָ֑ע אֶזְעַ֥ק אֵלֶ֛יךָ חָמָ֖ס וְלֹ֥א תוֹשִֽׁיעַ׃ (ג) לָ֣מָּה תַרְאֵ֤נִי אָ֙וֶן֙ וְעָמָ֣ל תַּבִּ֔יט וְשֹׁ֥ד וְחָמָ֖ס לְנֶגְדִּ֑י וַיְהִ֧י רִ֦יב וּמָד֖וֹן יִשָּֽׂא׃

Habakkuk 1:1-3

(1) The pronouncement made by the prophet Habakkuk. (2) How long, O ETERNAL One, shall I cry out And You not listen, Shall I shout to You, “Violence!” And You not save? (3) Why do You make me see iniquity, upon wrong?— Raiding and violence are before me, Strife continues and contention goes on...

לְכָה דוֹדִי א׳

(א) לְכָה דוֹדִי לִקְרַאת כַּלָּה
(ב) פְּנֵי שַׁבָּת נְקַבְּלָה

Lekha Dodi 1

(1) Come, my lover, to welcome the bride
(2) The face of Shabbat we will receive

In a parasocial relationship, we are seeking human connection - platonic validation. We want to make 'small talk'. (see I'm going meta with my own shiurim)

הושע י״א:ט׳

(ט) לֹ֤א אֶֽעֱשֶׂה֙ חֲר֣וֹן אַפִּ֔י לֹ֥א אָשׁ֖וּב לְשַׁחֵ֣ת אֶפְרָ֑יִם כִּ֣י אֵ֤ל אָנֹכִי֙ וְלֹא־אִ֔ישׁ בְּקִרְבְּךָ֣ קָד֔וֹשׁ וְלֹ֥א אָב֖וֹא בְּעִֽיר׃

Hosea 11:9

(9) I will not act on My wrath, Will not turn to destroy Ephraim. For I am God—not human— The Holy One in your midst: I will not come in fury.

But our relationship with G-d isn't parasocial, because our relationship with G-d isn't human. G-d is not your friend, and cannot tick the platonic box - but we still feel the need to be validated in the same way. So how do we stay connected in a way that is different to the human relationship - cross the 'Parasocial Gap'?

It is one-sided, (barring prophecy)
it is nondialectical,it is controlled by the performer;but it is susceptible of mutual development,even without 'perceivable' mutual development.I can't tell you how to have a relationship with G-d - that's deeply personal. It's like me telling you how you should love your grandmother. But are there ways that we can remedy the 'Parasocial Gap'.

1)[The Emunah Answer] Keeping the covenant. Do mitzvot - our actions are reflected and reciprocated in the order of the world.

סידור אשכנז, ימי חול, תפילת שחרית, ברכות קריאת שמע, שמע

(ז)וְהָיָה אִם־שָׁמֹֽעַ תִּשְׁמְ֒עוּ אֶל־מִצְוֹתַי אֲשֶׁר֯ אָ֯נֹכִי מְצַוֶּה אֶתְכֶם הַיּוֹם לְאַהֲבָה אֶת־ה׳ אֱלֹקֵיכֶם וּלְעָבְדוֹ בְּכָל֯־לְ֯בַבְכֶם וּבְכָל־נַפְשְׁ֒כֶם: וְנָתַתִּי מְטַר֯־אַ֯רְצְ֒כֶם בְּעִתּוֹ֯ י֯וֹרֶה וּמַלְקוֹשׁ וְאָסַפְתָּ דְגָנֶֽךָ וְתִירשְׁ֒ךָ וְיִצְהָרֶֽךָ:

Siddur Ashkenaz, Weekday, Shacharit, Blessings of the Shema, Shema

(7) And it will be— if you vigilantly obey My commandments which I command you this day, to love Adonoy your God, and serve Him with your entire hearts and with your entire souls— that I will give rain for your land in its proper time,the early (autumn) rain and the late (spring) rain; and you will harvest your grain and your wine and your oil.

2)[The Open Answer] Making space for the Divine. Let's come back to the 'Shabbat Bride'...but first, yichud.

בראשית רבה י׳:ט׳

(ט) רַבִּי שָׁאֲלֵיהּ לְרַבִּי יִשְׁמָעֵאל בְּרַבִּי יוֹסֵי, אֲמַר לֵיהּ שָׁמַעְתָּ מֵאָבִיךָ מַהוּ וַיְכַל אֱלֹקִים בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי, אֶתְמְהָא
גְּנִיבָא וְרַבָּנָן, גְּנִיבָא אָמַר מָשָׁל לְמֶלֶךְ שֶׁעָשָׂה לוֹ חֻפָּה, וְצִיְּירָהּ וְכִיְּירָהּ, וּמָה הָיְתָה חֲסֵרָה, כַּלָּה שֶׁתִּכָּנֵס לְתוֹכָהּ. כָּךְ מֶה הָיָה הָעוֹלָם חָסֵר, שַׁבָּת. רַבָּנָן אָמְרֵי מָשָׁל לְמֶלֶךְ שֶׁעָשׂוּ לוֹ טַבַּעַת, מֶה הָיְתָה חֲסֵרָה, חוֹתָם. כָּךְ מֶה הָיָה הָעוֹלָם חָסֵר, שַׁבָּת.

Bereshit Rabbah 10:9

(9) Rabbi asked Rabbi Yishmael ben Rabbi Yosei, saying to him: ‘Did you hear from your father what is meant by: “God completed [vayechal] on the seventh day”? This is bewildering.’ Geniva and the Rabbis, Geniva said: This is analogous to a king who made himself a wedding canopy, painted it and embossed it. What was it lacking? A bride [kalla] to enter it. So, too, what was the world lacking? Shabbat. The Rabbis say: This is analogous to a king for whom they crafted a signet ring. What was lacking? The seal. So, too, what was the world lacking? Shabbat.

3. [The Chassidic Answer] Communicating in the Unknowable Language of the Heart At this point I could tell the Flute Story, but I choose not to...

חושך ביער אין איש מלבדו איש מבוהל שאיבד את דרכו חושך ביער ערב שבת כאן יעשה את הלילה לבד
תפילה הייתה מועילה לו עכשיו אך ספר תפילות לא נמצא בידיו והוא לא זוכר אפילו משפט חושך ביער ערב שבת
הנה הן לפניך הנה כל האותיות אחת אחת מאלף עד תיו קח אותן בידיך ועשה מהן תפילות תפילות חדשות כאן ועכשיו
אלף בית גימל דלת הא וו זין חת טת לבדו ביער עומד וצועק יוד כף למד מם נון סמך עין פה צדיק קוף רש שין ותיו זה כל מה שיש

Chava Alberstein, Tefillot Chadashot

And in the forest there is no one but him A frightened man who has lost his way Darkness in the forest on Erev Shabbat Here he will spend the night alone

A prayer would do him good now But a prayer book was not found in his hands And he doesn't remember a single sentence Darkness in the forest on Saturday evening
...

Here they are in front of you Here are all the letters One by one from thousand to zero Take them in your hands and made them prayers New prayers here and now

Aleph, Beit, Gimel, Daled,
Heh, Vav, Zayin, Chet, Tet -
Alone in the forest stands and shouts Yud, Kaf, Lamed, Mem, Nun, Samech,
Ayin, Pey, Tzaddik, Kof, Resh,
Shin and Taf. That's all there is.

4. [The Diet-Hashgacha-Pratit Answer] Entertaining the perceivably divine, even in some small way.A Poem I Wrote When I Was Younger