Cheshbon Ha'Nefesh #11:"Nihuta" - Pleasantness

Cheshbon Ha'Nefesh #11: "Nihuta" - Pleasantness

ByNeil Tow

Cheshbon HaNefesh

Thoughts, lessons from last month on Shteekah/Silence?

קהלת ט׳:י״ז

(יז) דִּבְרֵ֣י חֲכָמִ֔ים בְּנַ֖חַת נִשְׁמָעִ֑ים מִזַּעֲקַ֥ת מוֹשֵׁ֖ל בַּכְּסִילִֽים׃

Ecclesiastes 9:17

(17) Words spoken softly by wise people are heeded sooner than those shouted by a lord in folly.

יומא פ״ו א:י״ב

אַבָּיֵי אָמַר, כִּדְתַנְיָא: ״וְאָהַבְתָּ אֵת ה׳ אֱלֹהֶיךָ״, שֶׁיְּהֵא שֵׁם שָׁמַיִם מִתְאַהֵב עַל יָדְךָ. שֶׁיְּהֵא קוֹרֵא וְשׁוֹנֶה וּמְשַׁמֵּשׁ תַּלְמִידֵי חֲכָמִים, וִיהֵא מַשָּׂאוֹ וּמַתָּנוֹ בְּנַחַת עִם הַבְּרִיּוֹת, מָה הַבְּרִיּוֹת אוֹמְרוֹת עָלָיו — אַשְׁרֵי אָבִיו שֶׁלִּמְּדוֹ תּוֹרָה, אַשְׁרֵי רַבּוֹ שֶׁלִּמְּדוֹ תּוֹרָה. אוֹי לָהֶם לַבְּרִיּוֹת שֶׁלֹּא לָמְדוּ תּוֹרָה, פְּלוֹנִי שֶׁלִּמְּדוֹ תּוֹרָה — רְאוּ כַּמָּה נָאִים דְּרָכָיו, כַּמָּה מְתוּקָּנִים מַעֲשָׂיו. עָלָיו הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר: ״וַיֹּאמֶר לִי עַבְדִּי אָתָּה יִשְׂרָאֵל אֲשֶׁר בְּךָ אֶתְפָּאָר״.

Yoma 86a:12

Abaye said: As it was taught in a baraita that it is stated: “And you shall love the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 6:5), which means that you shall make the name of Heaven beloved. How should one do so? One should do so in that he should read Torah, and learn Mishna, and serve Torah scholars, and he should be pleasant with people in his business transactions. What do people say about such a person? Fortunate is his father who taught him Torah, fortunate is his teacher who taught him Torah, woe to the people who have not studied Torah. So-and-so, who taught him Torah, see how pleasant are his ways, how proper are his deeds. The verse states about him and others like him: “You are My servant, Israel, in whom I will be glorified” (Isaiah 49:3).

משנה תורה, הלכות דעות ו׳:ז׳

(ז) הָרוֹאֶה חֲבֵרוֹ שֶׁחָטָא אוֹ שֶׁהָלַךְ בְּדֶרֶךְ לֹא טוֹבָה מִצְוָה לְהַחֲזִירוֹ לַמּוּטָב וּלְהוֹדִיעוֹ שֶׁהוּא חוֹטֵא עַל עַצְמוֹ בְּמַעֲשָׂיו הָרָעִים שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יט יז) "הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת עֲמִיתֶךָ". הַמּוֹכִיחַ אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ. בֵּין בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבֵּינוֹ לְבֵינוֹ. בֵּין בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבֵּינוֹ לְבֵין הַמָּקוֹם. צָרִיךְ לְהוֹכִיחוֹ בֵּינוֹ לְבֵין עַצְמוֹ. וִידַבֵּר לוֹ בְּנַחַת וּבְלָשׁוֹן רַכָּה וְיוֹדִיעוֹ שֶׁאֵינוֹ אוֹמֵר לוֹ אֶלָּא לְטוֹבָתוֹ לַהֲבִיאוֹ לְחַיֵּי הָעוֹלָם הַבָּא. אִם קִבֵּל מִמֶּנּוּ מוּטָב וְאִם לָאו יוֹכִיחֶנּוּ פַּעַם שְׁנִיָּה וּשְׁלִישִׁית. וְכֵן תָּמִיד חַיָּב אָדָם לְהוֹכִיחוֹ עַד שֶׁיַּכֵּהוּ הַחוֹטֵא וְיֹאמַר לוֹ אֵינִי שׁוֹמֵעַ. וְכָל שֶׁאֶפְשָׁר בְּיָדוֹ לִמְחוֹת וְאֵינוֹ מוֹחֶה הוּא נִתְפָּשׂ בַּעֲוֹן אֵלּוּ כֵּיוָן שֶׁאֶפְשָׁר לוֹ לִמְחוֹת בָּהֶם:

Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:7

...When offering constructive criticism...speak to the other person pleasantly (thoughtfully?) and in soft language and remind the other person you are speaking only for their good to enable them to achieve the world to come...

משנה אבות א׳:ט״ו

(טו) שַׁמַּאי אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה תוֹרָתְךָ קֶבַע. אֱמֹר מְעַט וַעֲשֵׂה הַרְבֵּה, וֶהֱוֵי מְקַבֵּל אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם בְּסֵבֶר פָּנִים יָפוֹת:

Pirkei Avot 1:15

(15) Shammai used to say: make your [study of the] Torah a fixed practice; speak little, but do much; and receive everyone with a pleasant countenance.

R. Mendel of Satanov:
"...it is important to be careful about thoughtfulness, that we do not become worthy of derision in the eyes of others, all the more so we need to be careful about not incurring their hatred, God forbid. Therefore, we need to be extra careful in our dealings with others, and in our business with others, that when we enter into these relationships we do so in a balanced way and with calmness of mind before we begin our business or dialogue, so that, God forbid, there will be no hatred or quarrel...
...Rather, let all our dealings and dialogue be pleasant with others, [without any yelling or anger]...
Even when we have to be critical of others, even then we should take pains not to exaggerate in this more than the width of a hair, as our sages say, "From being good, do not be called wicked."

What does this mean "From being good do not be called wicked"?

ברכות ל׳ א:ג׳

רַב חִסְדָּא וְרַב שֵׁשֶׁת הֲווֹ קָאָזְלִי בְּאוֹרְחָא, קָם רַב חִסְדָּא וְקָא מְצַלֵּי. אָמַר לֵיהּ רַב שֵׁשֶׁת לְשַׁמָּעֵיהּ: מַאי קָא עָבֵיד רַב חִסְדָּא? אָמַר לֵיהּ קָאֵי וּמְצַלֵּי. אָמַר לֵיהּ: אוֹקְמַן נָמֵי לְדִידִי וַאֲצַלֵּי, ״מֵהֱיוֹת טוֹב אַל תִּקָּרֵא רַע״.

Berakhot 30a:3

The Gemara relates: Rav Ḥisda and Rav Sheshet were walking along the path, Rav Ḥisda stood and recited the traveler’s prayer. Since he was blind and did not see his colleague, Rav Sheshet asked his servant: What is Rav Ḥisda doing now? His servant said to him: He is standing and praying. Rav Sheshet said to his servant: Stand me up as well and I will pray. Even though Rav Sheshet held that there is no need to stand during this prayer, nevertheless: From being good, do not be called wicked. In other words, one should do better if he is able. Rav Sheshet said that one is not required to stop and stand. He did not say that it is preferable to walk or sit. Since standing in this case required no special effort on his part, as Rav Ḥisda had stopped to stand and pray anyway, why insist on sitting?

Easier question: How can we get ready for a meeting, conversation, work project to be able to be calm and focused?
Tougher question: How do we respond when others act "unpleasantly"? Match their energy, lower the temp...?
How can we stay level-headed when circumstances of life are upsetting, stressful for us?