What is "Bashert"
Bashert is a Yiddish word that means "destiny".[2] It is often used in the context of one's divinely foreordained spouse or soulmate, who is called "bashert. It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening.
In modern usage, Jewish singles will say that they are looking for their bashert, meaning they are looking for that person who will complement them perfectly, and whom they will complement perfectly.
(כד) עַל־כֵּן֙ יַֽעֲזָב־אִ֔ישׁ אֶת־אָבִ֖יו וְאֶת־אִמּ֑וֹ וְדָבַ֣ק בְּאִשְׁתּ֔וֹ וְהָי֖וּ לְבָשָׂ֥ר אֶחָֽד׃
(24) Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.
אמר רב מן התורה ומן הנביאים ומן הכתוביםמיהוה אשה לאיש. מן התורה: דכתיב (בראשית כד, נ) ויען לבן ובתואל ויאמרו מה׳ יצא הדבר מן הנביאים דכתיב (שופטים יד, ד) ואביו ואמו לא ידעו כי מה׳ היא מן הכתובים דכתיב (משלי יט, יד) בית והון נחלת אבות ומה׳ אשה משכלת.
(נ) וַיַּ֨עַן לָבָ֤ן וּבְתוּאֵל֙ וַיֹּ֣אמְר֔וּמֵה׳ יָצָ֣א הַדָּבָ֑רלֹ֥א נוּכַ֛ל דַּבֵּ֥ר אֵלֶ֖יךָ רַ֥ע אוֹ־טֽוֹב׃
(50) Then Laban and Bethuel answered, “The matter was decreed by the LORD; we cannot speak to you bad or good.
הכל בידי שמים חוץ מיראת שמים.
Everything is in the hand of Heaven except the fear of Heaven.
(יב) אֶ֕רֶץ אֲשֶׁר־ה׳ אֱלֹקֶ֖יךָ דֹּרֵ֣שׁ אֹתָ֑הּ תָּמִ֗ידעֵינֵ֨י ה׳ אֱלֹקֶ֙יךָ֙ בָּ֔הּ...
(12) It is a land which the LORD your God looks after, on which the LORD your God always keeps His eye, from year’s beginning to year’s end.
א"ר שמואל בר רב יצחק כי הוה פתח ריש לקיש בסוטה אמר הכי אין מזווגין לו לאדם אשה אלא לפי מעשיו...ר' יוחנן וקשין לזווגן כקריעת ים סוף...והא אמר רב יהודה אמר רב ארבעים יום קודם יצירת הולד בת קול יוצאת ואומרת בת פלוני לפלוני בית פלוני לפלוני שדה פלוני לפלוני? לא קשיא הא בזוג ראשון הא בזווג שני.
Rav Shmuel bar Rav Yitzchak says: When Reish Lakish would begin teaching the topic of the Sotah, he would say as follows:
A man's wife is not matched to him [based on any factor] except in accordance with [the merit of] his deeds, as it says (Psalms 125:3) "For the rod of wickedness shall not rest upon the lot of the righteous."Rabbah bar Bar Chanah says: Rabbi Yochanan said,And the difficulty of matching couples is as [that of] the splitting of the Sea of Reeds,...Is this really so? But Rav Yehudah said: Rav said Forty days before the formation of a foetus a Heavenly voice emanates and says,"The daughter of so-and-so [will be matched] to so-and-so, the house of so-and-so to s0-and-so, the field of so-and-so to so-and-so."It isn't a difficulty: One refers to the first match, the other refers to the second match.
Rashi: According to Mazal, 2nd wife according to Actions...
אמר שמואל: מותר לארס אשה בחולו של מועד שמא יקדמנו אחר.
ומי אמר שמואל שמא יקדמנו אחר? והאמר רב יהודה אמר שמואל בכל יום ויום בת קול יוצאת ואומרת בת פלוני לפלוני שדה פלוני לפלוני אלא שמא יקדמנו אחר ברחמים כי הא דרבא שמעיה לההוא גברא דבעי רחמי ואמר תזדמן לי פלניתא א"ל לא תיבעי רחמי הכי...
There are times when a person’s prayers are accepted by God even when he asks for something that he shouldn’t...and the ways of god are hidden from us.
The holy Zohar (1, 55b; 3, 24a) teaches that no female soul or male soul is a complete human soul without the other. Male and female are two halves of the same whole. What affects the one, therefore, affects the other. This becomes most clear when it comes time for marriage.
If a person follows the sefirotic pattern for growth and maturity as outlined above, the chances are that due to proper sefirotic alignment he/she will draw to themselves their intended soulmates without too much difficulty. However, not everyone is so blessed to be raised in such a balanced spiritual way.
Although Heaven might have ordained for us the perfect match, it is usually we that somehow botch things up through forbidden sexual intercourse. Our future potential for finding the right mate is then best summed up by the rest of what the Talmud in Sotah says, "Matches are as difficult for G-d as was the parting of the Red Sea" (at the Exodus). What this means is that once we mess things up (and I think that most of us qualify for this category) finding the right mate becomes an extraordinary hard job, with only Divine intervention making it happen.
אבל הלשון הנמצא לחכמים, והוא אומרם: הכל בידי שמים חוץ מיראת שמים – הרי הוא אמת, ומכוון אל מה שזכרנו, אלא שהרבה יטעו בו בני אדם, ויחשבו בקצת מעשי האדם הבחיריים – שהוא מוכרח עליהם, כגון הזיווג לפלונית, או היות זה הממון בידו. וזה אינו אמת, כי זאת האשה, אם היתה לקיחתה בכתובה וקידושין, והיא מותרת, ונשאה לפריה ורביה – הרי זו מצוה, וה’ לא יגזור בעשיית מצוה פגם – הרי היא עבירה, וה’ לא יגזור בעבירה.
יומא חד הוה קא סחי ר' יוחנן בירדנא חזייה ריש לקיש ושוור לירדנא אבתריה אמר ליהחילך לאורייתא אמר ליהשופרך לנשי א"ל אי הדרת בך יהיבנא לך אחותי דשפירא מינאי קביל עליה
... One day Rabbi Yochanan was swimming in the Jordan. Resh Lakish saw him and leapt into the Jordan after him. He [Rabbi Yochanan] said "Your strength for Torah." Resh Lakish said, "Your beauty for women." He [Rabbi Yochanan] said"If you return also, I will give you my sister who is more beautiful then me." Resh Lakish accepted.
Bava Batra 12b: The daughter of R. Hisda was once sitting on her father's lap while two of his students, Rava and Rami Bar Hama were present. R. Hisda asked his daughter which of the two she would like to marry, to which she replied, "both of them." Rava then responded, "I will be second".
Rav
Yevamot 63a: Rav was constantly tormented by his wife. If he told her, 'Prepare me lentils', she would prepare him small peas; [and if he asked for] small peas, she prepared him lentils.
(טו) וַיֹּ֤אמֶר ה׳ אֶל־מֹשֶׁ֔ה מַה־תִּצְעַ֖ק אֵלָ֑י דַּבֵּ֥ר אֶל־בְּנֵי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֖ל וְיִסָּֽעוּ׃
(15) Then the LORD said to Moses, “Why do you cry out to Me? Tell the Israelites to go forward.
Hey brother, if you go on a first date, and you only go on the second date because, you're supposed to go on a second date..don't bother going on the third date.
Our Rabbis taught: How does one dance before the bride? Beth Shammai say: The bride as she is. And Beth Hillel say: 'Beautiful and graceful bride'! Beth Shammai said to Beth Hillel: If she was lame or blind, does one say of her: 'Beautiful and graceful bride'? Whereas the Torah said, 'Keep thee far from a false matter' (Ex. 23:7). Said Beth Hillel to Beth Shammai: According to your words, if one has made a bad purchase in the market, should one praise it in his eyes or depreciate it? Surely, one should praise it in his eyes. Therefore, the Sages said: Always should the disposition of man be pleasant with people.
If one spouse thinks the other is dispensable, it is much easier to simply quit the relationship and divorce. However, when one values one's spouse as one who had been predetermiend by God himself, then the the idea of a bashert is not intended to create a marriage but to preserve one.
Perhaps one can suggest that there is a world of difference between the mindset of someone embarking on the dating stage of life and the attitude of one who successfully has been able to cultivate a loving marriage. While the individual who is dating should recognize that preoccupation with the notion of bashert can become a debilitating and counter-productive mindset, one who is fortunate enough to have built a strong marriage over the course of many years might allow themselves a different sort of reflection. Namely, that after a lifetime of developing a loving and affectionate bond together, of laughing together, of building a functioning home together, of having and raising children together and generally sharing all of the victories and vicissitudes, all of the intense peaks and valleys that constitute one’s personal tapestry, that it is hard to imagine one’s life with anyone else. In a sense, that is a vision of bashert that is less a potential cause for anxiety during dating and more of a rewarding end goal to aspire to over the course of a lifetime.
(סא) וַתָּ֨קָם רִבְקָ֜ה וְנַעֲרֹתֶ֗יהָ וַתִּרְכַּ֙בְנָה֙ עַל־הַגְּמַלִּ֔ים וַתֵּלַ֖כְנָה אַחֲרֵ֣י הָאִ֑ישׁ וַיִּקַּ֥ח הָעֶ֛בֶד אֶת־רִבְקָ֖ה וַיֵּלַֽךְ׃(סב)וְיִצְחָק֙ בָּ֣א מִבּ֔וֹא בְּאֵ֥ר לַחַ֖י רֹאִ֑י וְה֥וּא יוֹשֵׁ֖ב בְּאֶ֥רֶץ הַנֶּֽגֶב׃(סג) וַיֵּצֵ֥א יִצְחָ֛ק לָשׂ֥וּחַ בַּשָּׂדֶ֖ה לִפְנ֣וֹת עָ֑רֶב וַיִּשָּׂ֤א עֵינָיו֙ וַיַּ֔רְא וְהִנֵּ֥ה גְמַלִּ֖ים בָּאִֽים׃(סד) וַתִּשָּׂ֤א רִבְקָה֙ אֶת־עֵינֶ֔יהָ וַתֵּ֖רֶא אֶת־יִצְחָ֑ק וַתִּפֹּ֖ל מֵעַ֥ל הַגָּמָֽל׃
Rashi: Yitzchak had just finished bringing back Hagar to remarry his father Avraham.