If you have ever been to a movie in a movie theater - even since the introduction of moving pictures when they were silent - what is the one of the most common piece of cinema etiquette that you always are reminded of?
Please be quiet.
- oldies -
"Loud talking or whistling not allowed"
"Please applaud with hands only"
- and today, more like -
"Please silence your cell phones"
You might be wondering, "wait for what?" (You probably aren't thinking that, though, so I'll tell you anyway.) WAIT stands for "Why Am I Talking?" It's one of the most important - and underrated - tools that people have already or can develop:
- the ability to quiet the self,
- to recognize when one is uncomfortable and sensing the need to battle that feeling with filler words,
- to convey a message without words
- to contract the self in order to make space for someone else.
This week when a divinely-ordained fire kills two of Aaron the High Priest's sons after they offer unsolicited sacrificial offerings, Aaron is silent.
הוא אשר דבר וגו'. הֵיכָן דִּבֵּר? וְנֹעַדְתִּי שָׁמָּה לִבְנֵי יִשְֹרָאֵל וְנִקְדַּשׁ בִּכְבֹדִי (שמות כ"ט), אַל תִּקְרֵי בִּכְבֹדִי אֶלָּא בִּמְכֻבָּדַי; אָמַר לוֹ מֹשֶׁה לְאַהֲרֹן, אַהֲרֹן אָחִי, יוֹדֵעַ הָיִיתִי שֶׁיִּתְקַדֵּשׁ הַבַּיִת בִּמְיֻדָּעָיו שֶׁל מָקוֹם, וְהָיִיתִי סָבוּר אוֹ בִי אוֹ בְךָ, עַכְשָׁיו רוֹאֶה אֲנִי שֶׁהֵם גְּדוֹלִים מִמֶּנִּי וּמִמְּךָ (ספרא):
'וגו 'הוא אשר דבר ה THIS IS WHAT THE LORD SPOKE, etc. — Where had He spoken this? In the statement (Exodus 29:43), “And there I will be met by the children of Israel and it (the Tabernacle) shall be sanctified by My glory (בכבודי).” Read not here בִכְבוֹדִי, “by My Glory” but בִּמְכֻבָּדַי, “through My honoured ones” (Zevachim 115b). Moses here said to Aaron: “My brother, Aaron! I knew that this House was to be sanctified by those who are beloved of the Omnipresent God and I thought it would be either through me or through thee; now I see that these (thy sons who have died) are greater than me and than thee!” (Leviticus Rabbah 12 2).
וַיִּקְח֣וּ בְנֵֽי־אַ֠הֲרֹן נָדָ֨ב וַאֲבִיה֜וּא אִ֣ישׁ מַחְתָּת֗וֹ וַיִּתְּנ֤וּ בָהֵן֙ אֵ֔שׁ וַיָּשִׂ֥ימוּ עָלֶ֖יהָ קְטֹ֑רֶת וַיַּקְרִ֜בוּ לִפְנֵ֤י ה' אֵ֣שׁ זָרָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֧ר לֹ֦א צִוָּ֖ה אֹתָֽם׃ וַתֵּ֥צֵא אֵ֛שׁ מִלִּפְנֵ֥י ה' וַתֹּ֣אכַל אוֹתָ֑ם וַיָּמֻ֖תוּ לִפְנֵ֥י ה' וַיֹּ֨אמֶר מֹשֶׁ֜ה אֶֽל־אַהֲרֹ֗ן הוּא֩ אֲשֶׁר־דִּבֶּ֨ר ה' ׀ לֵאמֹר֙ בִּקְרֹבַ֣י אֶקָּדֵ֔שׁ וְעַל־פְּנֵ֥י כָל־הָעָ֖ם אֶכָּבֵ֑ד וַיִּדֹּ֖ם אַהֲרֹֽן׃
And the sons of Aaron, Nadav and Avihu, took, each of them his coal-pan, and they put fire on them, and they put incense on then; and they brought into the Eternal's presence a strange fire, which God had not commanded them. And a fire came out from before the Eternal and it consumed them, and they died in the Eternal's presence.
And Moses said to Aaron: This is what the Eternal meant when God said: "With My near ones will I be sanctified, and before all the people will I be glorified." And Aaron kept his peace/remained silent.
(מג) וְנֹעַדְתִּ֥י שָׁ֖מָּה לִבְנֵ֣י יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל וְנִקְדַּ֖שׁ בִּכְבֹדִֽי׃
(43) and there I will meet with the Israelites, and it shall be sanctified by My Presence / Kavod.
This is probably the verse that Moses is referring to in this moment, interpreting "Sanctified by K'vodi / My Presence," as Sanctified by those whom I honor.
"Vayidom Aharon." His two eldest children are killed before his very eyes, and he neither has nor seeks any explanation for this tragedy. Aaron's reaction is silence.
Vayidom Aharon.
The boys' mother, Elisheva is nowhere to be found in this text, but the rabbi's imagine that she, too, had no words, and frame this day as one that should have been one of exceeding joy for her and her family: Aaron was becoming the High Priest; their sons priests; their grandson, Pinchas the army's priest; Moses, their brother and brother-in-law, was essentially being affirmed as the leader (i.e. king) again. The day that should have celebratory became a day of unspeakable tragedy.
And even without words, we know that Aaron and Elisheva, and their other sons Elazar and Itamar, are feeling a level of pain that is nearly unfathomable
If they were your friends, family, or community members, how would you react?
Would you feel the need to say the "right thing?" To make things better?
Perhaps the best way to comfort those struggling is by meeting them where they are, and showing an open heart, compassionate eyes, and silent lips.
שִׁמְעוֹן בְּנוֹ אוֹמֵר, כָּל יָמַי גָּדַלְתִּי בֵין הַחֲכָמִים, וְלֹא מָצָאתִי לַגּוּף טוֹב אֶלָּא שְׁתִיקָה. וְלֹא הַמִּדְרָשׁ הוּא הָעִקָּר, אֶלָּא הַמַּעֲשֶׂה. וְכָל הַמַּרְבֶּה דְבָרִים, מֵבִיא חֵטְא:
Shimon, his son, used to say: all my days I grew up among the sages, and I have found nothing better for a person than silence. Study is not the most important thing, but actions; whoever indulges in too many words brings about sin.
רַבִּי עֲקִיבָא אוֹמֵר, שְׂחוֹק וְקַלּוּת רֹאשׁ, מַרְגִּילִין לְעֶרְוָה. מָסֹרֶת, סְיָג לַתּוֹרָה. מַעַשְׂרוֹת, סְיָג לָעשֶׁר. נְדָרִים, סְיָג לַפְּרִישׁוּת. סְיָג לַחָכְמָה, שְׁתִיקָה:
Rabbi Akiva said: Merriment and frivolity accustom one to sexual licentiousness; Tradition is a fence to the Torah; Tithes a fence to wealth, Vows a fence to abstinence; A fence to wisdom is silence.
עֵ֤ת לִקְר֙וֹעַ֙ וְעֵ֣ת לִתְפּ֔וֹר; עֵ֥ת לַחֲשׁ֖וֹת וְעֵ֥ת לְדַבֵּֽר׃
A time for ripping and a time for sewing,A time for silence and a time for speaking;
From the Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus:
"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak."
And if you feel the need to say something, just remember one word: WAIT.
The above image was created by Alan O'Rourke and can be found on Flickr. It is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
The following is from a post on the The Power of TED* website.
- Am I talking for approval and to be overly helpful? (Rescuer)
- Am I talking to control and take charge of the situation? (Persecutor)
- Am I talking to complain and whine about all I don’t like? (Victim)
- What is my intention behind what I am about to say?
- Is there a question I could ask that would help me better understand what the other person is saying and perceiving?
- How might I simply listen and let go of my urge to talk in this moment?
Perry Holley is an author, speaker, teacher and coach
Perry Holley posted last year about the WAIT habit encouraging us to ask the following questions:
- Is this the time to share? Is what I want to share on topic? Don’t divert the conversation away from what they are speaking about just because, “that reminds me of a time when…”
- Is it my turn to share? Are you mastering the pause?
- Is what I want to share going to add to or subtract from what they are sharing? The temptation here is to divert the conversation from them to you.
- If you do interject, be concise. Add value and then shut up.
Dare to be Dumb (or Ted Lasso's Be Curious) - Ask questions. Be open to new ideas. Are we instead halting, cutting or stomping on people's ideas or stories?
Master the Pause - Just because it is quiet does not mean we are not thinking or engaged. Every second does not need to be filled with talk. Pausing allows others to extend their stories and contributions and sometimes reveal new ideas. Also pauses and lower volume time encourages reflection and thinking.
Don’t top someone’s story - This happens when the other person is simply waiting for their chance to speak. This is the antithesis of high quality participation and nowhere close to a behaviour associated with rich dialogue. Story topping is the closest thing to competitive conversation.
What is Moses trying to do in this moment?
What role is he trying to play? (Rescuer - Persecutor - Victim)
Has he mastered the pause?
Is he adding to or subtracting from the moment?
Is he adding value? (He is concise and then shuts up)