Apologize B'Shert Yom Kippur 5783

Broadly defined, teshuvah is more than just repentance from sin; it is a spiritual reawakening, a desire to strengthen the connection between oneself and the sacred... All forms of teshuvah, however diverse and complex, have a common core: the belief that human beings have it in their power to effect inward change.

According to Maimonides there are specific steps to repentance:

1. Own the harm perpetrated (ideally publicly)

2. Do the work to become the kind of person who doesn't do harm (which requires a ton of inner work)

3. Make restitution for harm done, in whatever way possible

4. THEN apologize for the harm caused in whatever way that will make it as right as possible with the victim

5. When faced with the opportunity to cause similar harm in the future, make a better choice

How to Apologize

Start your apology by saying “I apologize” or “I’m sorry” and follow it up with a brief phrase summarizing your feelings of remorse over what happened. You've got to mean it when you utter these words and be specific about what you’re apologizing for.

For instance, you can say, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you, and I feel embarrassed about losing my temper that way.”

Next, you need to show that you know which of your words and actions hurt the other person and, using "I" statements empathize with how said actions made that person feel. The more specific you are in explaining the offending actions and in relating to the other person’s hurt feelings, the more sincere your apology will come across.

For example, “This was thoughtless of me and I'm sorry I caused you to feel disrespected."

“I’m sorry but…” and “I’m sorry if you felt…” doesn't count as a sincere apology because the “but” and “if you felt” tacked after the apology are qualifiers that act as a justification or limiter that suggests you’re not fully responsible for your actions.

You’ve expressed remorse, empathized with the other person’s feelings, and owned up to your mistake. Many people would consider this a complete apology, but in reality it’s still missing two important aspects, both of which are designed to make the offended party feel better.

How can you make the person you hurt feel better? The first thing you can do is make it up to them.

Promise to do something for them in return. You can say, “How can I make it up to you?” or just offer to do something directly related to how you upset them in the first place.

An apology is meaningless if you commit the same offense in the future. This is why promising to change is crucial when you want to deeply apologize for serious transgressions.

After promising to make amends, you can end your apology by saying, “From now on, I’m going to (how you plan to change your behavior) so I don’t (your offense).”

Questions:

[Self-kindness] involves actively comforting ourselves, responding just as we would to a dear friend in need. It means we allow ourselves to be emotionally moved by our own pain, stopping to say, "This is really difficult right now. How can I care for and comfort myself in this moment?" With self-kindness, we soothe and calm our troubled minds. We make a peace offering of warmth, gentleness, and sympathy from ourselves to ourselves, so that true healing can occur.

- Dr. Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.― Mahatma Gandhi

Questions to ponder.

For many, especially those who may suffer from low self-esteem for other reasons, soul reckoning of this sort can trigger a downward spiral of self-rejection, self-flagellation, or even self-hatred. Self-condemnation is always painful and may even be self-destructive. But genuine soul reckoning is meant to lead down a different path, toward acceptance and integration. How does this happen?

Seeing our own failings more clearly can and should be an impetus to deeper moral sensitivity and moral growth. It is the spur to repentance, showing us where we have work to do and so enabling us to make progress, by addressing those shortcomings, holding ourselves accountable, repairing our relationships with others, and taking all the other steps in the process of repentance...

- Dr. Louis E. Newman, Repentance: The Meaning and Practice of Teshuvah