When it is invested with our awareness, Yom Kippur, the day itself, has the power to heal, to atone.
Our tradition makes precisely the same claim for death. Death, the only other time in our life when we recite the Vidui, when we bring ourselves to the point of full awareness, also atones. Death, the destination of our journey through life, also heals. Teshuvah is the little death that connects us to the big one.
Yom Kippur is the day we all get to read our own obituary. It's a dress rehearsal for death. That's why we wear a kittel, a shroud-like garment, on this day; why we refrain from life-affirming activities such as eating, drinking, and procreating. We are rehearsing the day of our death, because death, like Yom Kippur, atones.
We Jews aren't supposed to wait for the end before we ask ourselves those questions. We are supposed to ask them all the time, and especially on Yom Kippur. ... Turn one day before your death, Rabbi Yehudah HaNasi tells us in the Talmud, and we never know when that day may be, so we have to turn every day... We are supposed to ask these questions all the time, and at least once a year, at least on this solemn day. What is my life really about? What is the truth of my life?
...
This is why ... we intone the funereal liturgy, "Who will live and who will die?" The rabbis wanted to bring us to the point of existential crisis. They wanted to bring us to the point of asking the crucial question, What is my life all about?
And they knew, as Rabbi Yehudah haNasi and Mayor Giuliani knew, that few of us ask this question until it's too late; few of us ask this question until the last moments of our life. So they have us stage a dramatic re-creation of our death on this day.
...
We shouldn't wait until the moment of our death to seek the answers. At the moment of death, there may be nothing we can do about it but feel regret. But if we seek the answers now, we can act in the coming year to bring ourselves closer to the our core.
The vast blankness of death covers over all our wrongdoing in this life, and the communal chanting of the Vidui on Yom Kippur - this sea of shared acknowledgement, this commonality of wrongdoing - seems to cover over our individual sin as well.
But most of us are singularly uncomforted by the prospect of being forgiven upon our death...
[Midrash about Moses entreating not to die before entering the promised land;
Talmud Masechet Moed Katan about Raba and Rav Seorim discussing the approach of death:]
Rav Seorim then asked: "After you die, show yourself to me in a dream." Raba did this, and as soon as he appeared, Rav Seorim asked, "Did it hurt?" Raba said: "No; it was like lifting a hair out of a bowl of milk, but were the Holy One to say to me, 'Go back to the world as you were,' I wouldn't do it. That's how great a burden the fear of death is."
Earlier I mentioned The Denial of Death, by the philosopher Ernest Becker, and Becker's observation that we human beings seem to be the only creatures afflicted with the mysterious capacity to understand that we are going to die, and that it is precisely this fact that seems to call us to the world, to our life's work, and to God.
We try to compensate for this dread intelligence by constructing what Becker calls affirmation systems.
We see the void and it terrifies us; it looks to us like utter negation. So we try to set up something in life that affirms our existence.
Against death, which we see as the ultimate failure, we offer up success.
Against death, which we see as the ultimate emptiness, we offer up the acquisition of objects.
Against death, which we see as the end of all feeling, we offer up the pursuit of pleasure.
Against death, which we see as the final stillness, we offer up a ceaseless rage of activity.
Against death, which we see as the ultimate impotence, we offer up the glorification of our own power.
Speech
Speech is one of our distinctive human attributes. It is through speech that we make the inner outer; that we bring the metaphysical into the physical; that we make real the purely intellectual. It is through speech that action begins. Every time I speak, it's the result of something metaphysical arising in my soul as an idea or spiritual impulse. It becomes speech in my mouth and then goes out onto the air of the room as a wave - a part of the world of Asiyah, the physical world.
Then it enters someone else's ear and then their mind, where it is transformed into something metaphysical again. All this is a truly miraculous transaction and a decisively human power. And think of how intimately it joins us to those to whom we are speaking.
So the first order of business in this process of Teshuvah is becoming aware of the heart, either by direction or indirection. But this is only half the equation. We must also speak of what we find there. By bringing our awareness out of our hearts and into speech, by moving this consciousness outward to the light of the great world outside, we complete the process.
Every year, just before Yom Kippur, I make a concerted effort to speak out the shadowy contents of my heart to another human being. I usually find myself speaking of things I have thought of a thousand times before - of my anger, of my obstinacy, of my refusal to give up the grudges I hold against people. ... Still, to get them out makes a tremendous difference. I know them, but as long as they are unspoken, I can ignore them.
The ten days that follow are fraught with meaning and dread. They are days when it is perfectly clear every second that you live in the midst of a chain of ineluctable consequence, that everything you do, every prayer you utter, every intention you form, every act of compassion you perform, ripples out from the center of your being to the end of time.
Anger and its terrible cost lie naked before you. Grievance gives way to forgiveness. At the same time, you become aware that you also stand at the end of a long chain of consequences. Many things are beyond your control. They are part of a process that was set in motion long ago. You find the idea of this unbearable.
Then, just when you think you can't tolerate this one moment more, you are called to gather with a multitude in a great hall. A court has convened high up on the altar at the front of the hall. Make way! Make way! the judges of the court proclaim, for everyone must be included in the proceeding. No one, not even the usual outcasts, must be excluded.
You are told that you are in possession of a great power, the power of speech, and that you will certainly abuse it - you are already forgiven for having abused it in the past - but in the end it will save you.
...We are absolutely accountable for everything that comes out of our mouths.
In fact our ancestors took this so seriously that they instituted the Kol Nidre service to deal with it. They realized that it was a very serious thing to make a vow and not carry through with it, so here at the holiest moment of the year - here at the moment when the purity of our soul is a matter of life or death - they instituted a ritual for the annulment of vows, so that we wouldn't have to bear the guilt of misusing the power of speech.
Vidui: Confession
The prominence of place given to speech in the Rambam's Law of Teshuvah is striking. These are the first words of this code:
"When we commit a sin, whether intention or unintentional, and then we make repentance, we are obliged to make confession [vidui] before God, and this confession must be in words. Even in the days of the Great Temple, when we brought sacrifices for our sins, the sacrifice did not atone for these sins unless we did Teshuvah, unless we made a verbal confession of them...
And what is Teshuvah? We abandon our sin, and remove it from our thoughts, and resolve in our hearts that we won't do it any more. We repent of the past, and proclaim before the knower of all purposes that we won't return to this kind of behavior again. And we need to make this confession with our lips moving; to say these things out loud that we have resolved in our heart."
...
Not only does this confession have to be heartfelt, but according to the Rambam, it must be specific, and it is praiseworthy to make confession in public as well.
The word vidui comes from the Hebrew word for “acknowledge.” To make a personal vidui is to acknowledge clearly the reality of your life.
The first step is to take a good look at your life in the past year, and acknowledge one or two things that went very well, and one or two things you need to change.
Then create a concrete, visual image in your mind of a goal for how things would look in each case if you could, indeed, change what needed to change.
For something that went well, imagine what your life would look like if you could employ that strength on a more regular basis; for something that needs to change, imagine what it would look like if you made that change.
1. Do this visualization for each item.
2. Write a few words that capture the changed, new reality.
3. Then identify one or two soul traits that go along with each item.
For example, if you acknowledge that you speak disrespectfully to your adolescent children and your goal is to speak with them like you would speak with an adult, the soul trait might be patience (savlanut) or respect (kavod).
4. Then think of one concrete action you could take on a regular basis to strengthen your patience or respect.
Continue this with all the items you acknowledged.
You now have a personal vidui and a spiritual action plan for the year!
I write all this down on an index card and bring it with me to Yom Kippur prayers. After reciting the set vidui in the prayer book, I take out my index card and say my own, personal vidui.
I pray to God for forgiveness where I missed the mark, and for help in growing the middot, soul qualities, I need in order to make my vision a reality in the next year.
After saying this vidui five times on Yom Kippur, I revisit it every Rosh Chodesh (new moon), noticing progress and renewing my commitment to keep growing.
This passage comes from the companion to the High Holidays published by Hebrew College in 2017.
Emptiness
We need a taste of this emptiness, to give us a sense of what will go with us, what will endure as we make this great crossing. What's important? What is at the core of our life? What will live on after we are wind and space? What will be worthy if that endless, infinitely powerful silence? And what are we clinging on to that isn't important, won't endure, that isn't worthy?
...
We taste death on Yom Kippur to remind us of what we must hold on to, and what we must let go of, of who we are, and where we come from.
Even while it stood, the Great Temple was a structure that was centered around emptiness. The Holy of Holies, the Sacred Center upon which all the elaborate structural elegance of the Temple served to focus, was primarily a vacated space. It was defined that way in the Torah. The Holy of Holies was the space no one could enter except the high priest, and even he could only enter for a few moments on Yom Kippur. If anyone else entered this place, or if the high priest entered on any other day, the charged emptiness at the Sacred Center, the powerful nothingness there, would break out on him and he would die.
So Yom Kippur is, among other things, the day we enter the vacated space, even if only by proxy, the day we experience the charged emptiness at the Sacred Center.
Step number one in the process of spiritual renewal, according to our tradition, is this kind of subtle inner turning, either through prayer or through faith. Step number two is almost precisely the opposite. It involves neither turning nor any kind of movement at all. It involves being still.
When we defy the sense of meaninglessness that afflicts us, galvanize ourselves for transformation, and open ourselves to the possibility of change, we in no way deny or run away from the reality of our situation. In fact we do exactly the opposite; we embrace the emptiness.
According to the Kabala, before creation God existed in a primordial state known alternatively as the Ain Sof (the Endlessness) or the Aiyin (the Emptiness). But this endless emptiness was such a powerfully charged state that nothing could withstand it. Nothing could coexist in its presence. So in order to create the universe, the Ain Sof had to perform an operation known as tzimtzum: it contracted itself, removing itself from a tiny speck at the center of its vast emptiness. This tiny speck was creation - the universe.
It is often the case, I think, that our soul hears its call in the midst of great trial and pain. The soul's journey through the world is a twisted and often painful path. But the soul seems to grow from its suffering and from the impediments it encounters.
Rebbe Nachman said that when the soul hears its call and begins its journey back to God, God immediately begins to raise up impediments, because God knows that it strengthens the soul to overcome impediments, and because it is human nature - it is the nature of the soul - to yearn for precisely that which is difficult to attain.
Atonement: Kaparah
Kaparah, the Hebrew word for atonement, means a covering over. The idea is not that atonement effaces our sins. It cannot. They will always be there, along with everything else we and everyone else has ever done....
When we make atonement, kaparah, we are covering over our wrongdoing with the will to behave differently. While this does not efface our previous behavior it may, in fact, redeem it. More important, it allows us to move on and let go of the past. Our behavior is still out there, and will always be, but we are no longer attached to it. We no longer need to feel guilty or angry about it. We no longer need to feel as if we have failed. The original act may even still adhere to us, but we can no longer claim ownership of it. We have covered that over with a fresh act of will.
So why even bother to ask for forgiveness? Why make kaparah? That behavior needs to be covered over precisely because it will always be out there. Their hurt needed to be covered over. It was like an exposed wound, an open sore, and it needed to be covered over by an acknowledgment that they had been hurt, by a validation of what they had experienced, by a corroboration from me that I had hurt them. Then they could begin to heal from it, or at least from the part I was responsible for. They could then begin to let go of it.
And I needed to cover this act of thoughtlessness over with a new resolve. It will always be out there; it will always be part of the story of who I am... Only by responding differently when this sort of thing happens in the future can I cover it over with another story, one that might change its meaning yet again.
The way of Yom Kippur is to accept our imperfection. This is what Yom Kippur is all about. We accept that to be human is to be imperfect, to be broken, and we realize that we don't have to protect our brokenness onto someone else. We don't have to try to cast it out. We can fix it. We can repair it in the context of our own lives.
ראש השנה ט׳׳ז ב – י׳׳ז א
אָמַר רַבִּי כְּרוּסְפָּדַאי אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: שְׁלֹשָׁה סְפָרִים נִפְתָּחִין בְּרֹאשׁ הַשָּׁנָה, אֶחָד שֶׁל רְשָׁעִים גְּמוּרִין, וְאֶחָד שֶׁל צַדִּיקִים גְּמוּרִין, וְאֶחָד שֶׁל בֵּינוֹנִיִּים. צַדִּיקִים גְּמוּרִין — נִכְתָּבִין וְנֶחְתָּמִין לְאַלְתַּר לְחַיִּים, רְשָׁעִים גְּמוּרִין — נִכְתָּבִין וְנֶחְתָּמִין לְאַלְתַּר לְמִיתָה, בֵּינוֹנִיִּים — תְּלוּיִין וְעוֹמְדִין מֵרֹאשׁ הַשָּׁנָה וְעַד יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים, זָכוּ — נִכְתָּבִין לְחַיִּים, לֹא זָכוּ — נִכְתָּבִין לְמִיתָה. אָמַר רַבִּי אָבִין, מַאי קְרָא: ״יִמָּחוּ מִסֵּפֶר חַיִּים וְעִם צַדִּיקִים אַל יִכָּתֵבוּ״. ״יִמָּחוּ מִסֵּפֶר״ — זֶה סִפְרָן שֶׁל רְשָׁעִים גְּמוּרִין, ״חַיִּים״ — זֶה סִפְרָן שֶׁל צַדִּיקִים, ״וְעִם צַדִּיקִים אַל יִכָּתֵבוּ״ — זֶה סִפְרָן שֶׁל בֵּינוֹנִיִּים. רַב נַחְמָן בַּר יִצְחָק אָמַר, מֵהָכָא: ״וְאִם אַיִן מְחֵנִי נָא מִסִּפְרְךָ אֲשֶׁר כָּתָבְתָּ״, ״מְחֵנִי נָא״ — זֶה סִפְרָן שֶׁל רְשָׁעִים, ״מִסִּפְרְךָ״ — זֶה סִפְרָן שֶׁל צַדִּיקִים, ״אֲשֶׁר כָּתָבְתָּ״ — זֶה סִפְרָן שֶׁל בֵּינוֹנִיִּים.
תַּנְיָא, בֵּית שַׁמַּאי אוֹמְרִים: שָׁלֹשׁ כִּתּוֹת הֵן לְיוֹם הַדִּין: אַחַת שֶׁל צַדִּיקִים גְּמוּרִין, וְאַחַת שֶׁל רְשָׁעִים גְּמוּרִין, וְאַחַת שֶׁל בֵּינוֹנִיִּים. צַדִּיקִים גְּמוּרִין — נִכְתָּבִין וְנֶחְתָּמִין לְאַלְתַּר לְחַיֵּי עוֹלָם, רְשָׁעִים גְּמוּרִין — נִכְתָּבִין וְנֶחְתָּמִין לְאַלְתַּר לְגֵיהִנָּם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וְרַבִּים מִיְּשֵׁנֵי אַדְמַת עָפָר יָקִיצוּ אֵלֶּה לְחַיֵּי עוֹלָם וְאֵלֶּה לַחֲרָפוֹת לְדִרְאוֹן עוֹלָם״, בֵּינוֹנִיִּים — יוֹרְדִין לְגֵיהִנָּם,
י׳׳ז א
וּמְצַפְצְפִין וְעוֹלִין, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וְהֵבֵאתִי אֶת הַשְּׁלִישִׁית בָּאֵשׁ וּצְרַפְתִּים כִּצְרוֹף אֶת הַכֶּסֶף וּבְחַנְתִּים כִּבְחוֹן אֶת הַזָּהָב הוּא יִקְרָא בִשְׁמִי וַאֲנִי אֶעֱנֶה אוֹתוֹ״, וַעֲלֵיהֶם אָמְרָה חַנָּה: ״ה׳ מֵמִית וּמְחַיֶּה מוֹרִיד שְׁאוֹל וַיָּעַל״. בֵּית הִלֵּל אוֹמְרִים: ״וְרַב חֶסֶד״ — מַטֶּה כְּלַפֵּי חֶסֶד. וַעֲלֵיהֶם אָמַר דָּוִד: ״אָהַבְתִּי כִּי יִשְׁמַע ה׳ אֶת קוֹלִי״, וַעֲלֵיהֶם אָמַר דָּוִד כׇּל הַפָּרָשָׁה כּוּלָּהּ — ״דַּלּוֹתִי וְלִי יְהוֹשִׁיעַ״.
Talmud Bavli, Rosh Hashanah 16b-17a
The Gemara goes back to discuss the Day of Judgment. Rabbi Kruspedai said that Rabbi Yoḥanan said:
Three books are opened on Rosh HaShana before the Holy One, Blessed be He:
One of wholly wicked people, and one of wholly righteous people, and one of middling people whose good and bad deeds are equally balanced.
Wholly righteous people are immediately written and sealed for life; wholly wicked people are immediately written and sealed for death; and middling people are left with their judgment suspended from Rosh HaShana until Yom Kippur, their fate remaining undecided.
If they merit, through the good deeds and mitzvot that they perform during this period, they are written for life; if they do not so merit, they are written for death.
Rabbi Avin said: What is the verse that alludes to this? “Let them be blotted out of the book of the living, but not be written with the righteous” (Psalms 69:29). “Let them be blotted out of the book”; this is the book of wholly wicked people, who are blotted out from the world. “Of the living”; this is the book of wholly righteous people. “But not be written with the righteous”; this is the book of middling people, who are written in a separate book, not with the righteous. Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak said: This matter is derived from here: “And if not, blot me, I pray You, out of Your book which you have written” (Exodus 32:32). “Blot me, I pray You”; this is the book of wholly wicked people, who are blotted out from the world. “Out of Your book”; this is the book of wholly righteous people, which is special and attributed to God Himself. “Which You have written”; this is the book of middling people.
It is taught in a baraita: Beit Shammai say: There will be three groups of people on the great Day of Judgment at the end of days: One of wholly righteous people, one of wholly wicked people, and one of middling people. Wholly righteous people will immediately be written and sealed for eternal life. Wholly wicked people will immediately be written and sealed for Gehenna, as it is stated: “And many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall wake, some to eternal life and some to shame and everlasting contempt” (Daniel 12:2). Middling people will descend to Gehenna to be cleansed and to achieve atonement for their sins,
[17a]
and they will cry out in their pain and eventually ascend from there, as it is stated: “And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried; they shall call on My name, and I will answer them” (Zechariah 13:9). This is referring to the members of the third group, who require refinement and cleansing. And about them, Hannah said: “The Lord kills, and gives life; he brings down to the grave, and brings up” (I Samuel 2:6). Beit Hillel say: He Who is “and abundant in kindness” (Exodus 34:6) tilts the scales in favor of kindness, so that middling people should not have to pass through Gehenna. And about them, David said: “I love the Lord, Who hears my voice and my supplications” (Psalms 116:1). And about them, David said the entire passage: “I was brought low [daloti] and He saved me” (Psalms 116:6). Although they are poor [dalim] in mitzvot, God saves them.
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Divide the past year into fall, winter, spring, summer. What were the highlights, achievements and themes of each quarter?
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What unfinished business remains from this past year?
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'Four Worlds' check-in: what is going well, and where is there room for improvement in each of the following realms?
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Physical health, fitness and wellbeing
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Emotional wellbeing, intimacy, connection with others
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Intellectual stimulation and growth
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Spiritual connection and spiritual practice
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Physical health, fitness and wellbeing
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