It's Only Real When it's Hard

(11) and you see among the captives a beautiful woman and you desire her and would take her [into your household] as your wife, (12) you shall bring her into your household, and she shall trim her hair, pare her nails, (13) and discard her captive’s garb. She shall spend a month’s time in your household lamenting her father and mother; after that you may come to her and thus become her husband, and she shall be your wife. (14) Then, should you no longer want her, you must release her outright. You must not sell her for money: since you had your will of her, you must not enslave her.

(1) אשת [AND THOU SEEST AMONG THE CAPTIVES] A WOMAN — even if she be a married woman (Sifrei Devarim 211:7; Kiddushin 21b). (2) ולקחת לך לאשה [AND THOU DELIGHTEST IN HER,] THAT THOU WOULDEST TAKE HER FOR THY WIFE) — Scripture is speaking (makes this concession) only in view of man’s evil inclination (his carnal desires) (Kiddushin 21b). For if the Holy One, blessed be He, would not permit her to him as a wife, he would nevertheless marry her although she would then be forbidden to him. However, if he does marry her, in the end he will hate her, for Scripture writes immediately afterwards, (v. 15) “If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, etc.” and ultimately he will beget a refractory and rebellious son by her (v. 18). It is for this reason that these sections are put in juxtaposition (Midrash Tanchuma, Ki Teitzei 1).

(3) ובכתה את אביה AND SHE SHALL WEEP FOR HER FATHER [AND HER MOTHER A FULL MONTH] — Why all this? In order to make a contrast — that while the Jewish woman (the captor’s Jewish wife) is gladsome, she should be downhearted, while the Jewish woman adorns herself, this one should bear a neglected appearance (Sifrei Devarim 213:5).

(5) What are the details of the Jewish Law of the Woman of Beauty? (Even) after he has had the first intercourse with her, she still remains a non-Jewess. Now, if she accepts upon herself the Wings of the Shechinoh (Holy Presence), she immediately immerses in a Mikveh for purposes of conversion. If she does not wish to do accept this, she sits in his house for thirty days, as it says, “and she cries for her father and mother, for a month of days” (Deut. 21:13). He does not prevent her from weeping for her religion. She grows her fingernails long and shaves her head so that she will appear despicable in his eyes. She is to remain in the house with him. When he comes in, he sees her, and when he leaves, he sees her. This is done so that he will come to loathe her. He discusses matters with her in order to induce her to convert for thirty days. If she accepts and he still wants her, she converts and immerses, as do all converts.

The Sages taught in a baraita: The verse states: “And she shall bewail her father and her mother a month of days and after that you may come to her” (Deuteronomy 21:13). Rabbi Eliezer says: “Her father” means her actual father and “her mother” means her actual mother. Rabbi Akiva says: Her father and her mother; this is referring to the idolatrous deity that she had worshiped but will no longer be able to worship, and so it says: “They say to a tree: You are my father, and to a stone: You have given birth to us” (Jeremiah 2:27).

(17) Remember what Amalek did to you on your journey, after you left Egypt— (18) how, undeterred by fear of God, he surprised you on the march, when you were famished and weary, and cut down all the stragglers in your rear.

(1) אשר קרך בדרך HOW HE MET THEE BY THE WAY — The word קרך is connected in meaning with מקרה “a sudden happening”, i.e., he came against thee by surprise. Another explanation is: it is connected in meaning with the term קרי, nocturnal pollution and uncleanness, because he polluted them by pederasty. Yet another explanation is that it is connected in meaning with the expression קור in the phrase קור וחום “cold and heat” and it means: he made you cold and lukewarm after the boiling heat you had before. For all the nations were afraid to war against you and this one came and began to point out the way to others. A parable! It may be compared to a boiling hot bath into which no living creature could descend. A good-for-nothing came, and sprang down into it; although he scalded himself he made it appear cold to others (Midrash Tanchuma, Ki Teitzei 9).