Tisha B'Av 5782/2022
Kinot are liturgical poems, or dirges, that we read on the fast of Tisha B'Av alongside Megilat Eicha. Kinot add an extra element of sadness and loss to the day by mourning other tragedies that have befallen the Jewish people throughout history like the Crusades, the Jewish expulsion from Spain and the Holocaust. Historically, Kinot were sung by yellalot, Jewish women who were professional mourners.
This Tisha B'Av we want to bring women's voices back to this powerful format and raise awareness of a tragedy happening in our own times, Gett abuse. The suffering described in Megilat Eicha is not a thing of the past. This is a collection of Kinot composed by women who are currently or have suffered from Gett abuse. These heart-breaking accounts mourn more than the loss of freedom, they mourn the failure of leaders to act as well as our communal silence.
As you read through the heart-breaking words of these women, take comfort in the fact that this a tragedy that can still be averted. GettOUTUK helps those struggling to obtain a Gett and works to amplify the voices of those experiencing Gett abuse. To learn more and to support this work visit www.gettoutuk.org and follow @gettoutuk on instagram.
אייכה חלום ושברו תשפ"ב, Riki Raani
TiSha B’Av eve.
Twilight.
Soon, we will change our shoes, take off our jewelry, close our pantries and sit on the floor…
“Zion is mourning without those who come through her gates. Her priests are deserted and her virgins sigh, She is mournful and bitter”
There will be no eye which will not cry. My soul cries bitterly for her destruction and loss.
My home was destroyed some 19 years ago. I am privileged to mourn the loss of the SHECHINA every day, every moment. Yet, he has moved on and built his home without being freed.
The sun sets and sun rises and the wheel of the year turns and turns. Families gather with more and more children and the sounds of laughter and happiness echo inside houses.
How will I sit by the table? In my heart a dream floats and breaks, of a home, family and children... “ shed a tear as a river, day and night and don’t allow it to subside and your eye stop”
One day the temple was destroyed. One day the house of G-d burnt. A day that the holy SHECHINA left to exile. The nation of Israel was exiled. And the exile continues and gets longer…
“How she sat solitary, alone. A widow, crying in the night, her tears on her cheeks, with no comfort from any of her loved ones. All of her friends betrayed her and became her enemy”
I am writing this now with a heart that is broken, hurt and tortured. Sunset, the horizon is painted black. Slowly slowly, the horizon is covered with dim clouds, I do not understand.
I’m standing still, lonely, searching. Maybe I will find some hidden shadow that is left, and want to comfort and light the way.
And I’m left alone, no reliance, all the shadows gathered in silence, slowly slowly got bored and disappeared, and I was left alone.
Through the skies tears are dripping, and I understand the SHECHINA is crying too in her home that sits in exile. Cannot be comforted…
And I try to retrieve my strength that is left, and a teardrop is crying for the SHECHINA .... and I’m left alone to cope, a young girl crying, turning to her father, still waiting for redemption.
I am the King, Anonymous
She looks to ignore me, not care about me, make me see what I have given up to be with her….she has friends, how easily everyone wants to be near her….how dare she put me second to a conversation she is having, I will show her I am the King.
Why should she get to leave the house, I am the Man, I will empty the bins, do the shopping….she cannot be trusted. I gave up my life to be with her and she can stay home for that. I hate hearing her on the phone to a friend, her voice is so low I am sure she is talking about me, or could she be speaking to a man….another man? Yes! That must be it! I will show her I am the King. No more phone calls, no visits, no coffees, no guests, no holidays.
I can't find a job, she did this to me. She is asking all her fancy friends to offer me a job and they are laughing at me. She is laughing at me. I will show her I am the King. She can beg me for money and explain why she needs it. Maybe I will give it to her. Maybe not. She can beg for I am the KING.
We can only watch my programmes on TV, re-runs of sitcoms from my youth over and over again. She cannot choose. She must clean up and then go upstairs to shower and prepare for me. I demand my rights every night, no doubt she is thinking of another man. She comes up with a story and I blast her for proving me right again, every night it is like this, I need more of these stories to make me feel like the King.
The baby is asleep. I have drunk more vodka and yet my ‘Queen’ wants to sleep. She does nothing all day and I do everything. Her body has a rash so unsightly, her hands shake and then she is unable to speak when I demand, ’Tell me what I need to hear, I am the King.’ She begs me to stop, that my daughters from my first marriage, their husbands wouldn’t do this to their wives. My daughters, how dare she compare herself to my innocent, beautiful daughters! She is Tumoh (ritually impure) and I am the King.
The anger she causes in me. I smash her against the boiling towel rail in the bathroom ‘I will kill you and then her’ I whisper in her ear. She begs me "NO! Please don’t touch the baby!" She hides in the baby’s room, our angelic child sleeping and she disgusts me by disturbing that baby. I grab her wrists, she hits her head as I drag her from the room. More Vodka.
Today, she screwed up big time. She got the wrong date for an appointment for our daughter. She is such a fool and she will get it from me tonight, she will see who is the King.
She left, the car is gone, our daughter is gone, the passports and official documents are gone. All from under my nose when I allowed her to take the baby to a music class. How dare she!! I am the King and I will never trust her again.
2.5 years on I agree to give her the Gett. I am getting my money that is due. She left so she made her choice and she can manage on nothing! Exactly as it was written in the court papers - nothing for her and nothing for the child whom I love with all my heart. Much more than her mother loves her…her mother has no idea about love but I will show her for I am the King.
I have seen my daughter for the first time in 4.5 years, she is delightful and I adore her. I have not contributed financially nor emotionally in any way since she was 2 years old but I know my love for her is greater than her mother’s. I have suffered most in this situation. I have so much money that I deserve. Her mother asks me for help with school fees and I say "No. You made your decision. I AM THE KING."
I made us a home. I wanted you to be King and me your revered Queen.
My heart! My heart is in such pain. Every part of me hurts. My wrists from where you grabbed me, my nose from trying to catch a breath, my eyes from looking through the screen you make me watch nightly to enable you enjoy yourself on my body, my ears from hearing you telling me I am dirty and disgusting. And my head! My head, the pain of shame, fear, terror, not knowing if the next words that will come from my lips will infuriate you or placate you. The sleep deprived brain of mine who doesn’t know what the next 10 minutes will bring. Will I say the right or wrong thing? What price will I pay for that comment, word or look?
I made us a home, I want you to be King and me anyone who makes you NOT angry.
The fear, The fear! It is overwhelming me. My breathing is shallow and fast, will this be the moment you will strike with words? Please just strike me with you fists, it will be so much easier to believe that this is not normal.
The shame, the shame! G’d help me please. I am trapped. Our baby is adored by us, by all, and yet he treats her Mother like someone to be kicked and punched with hands, feet and words. Those words are almost worse. When the physical comes I feel I deserve it, almost a relief that his anger is reaching its crescendo. But tomorrow…..the cycle starts again, I must make him feel better for the anger I caused him to feel…..it starts again, and again, and again.
My shame, My Shame! No Mikveh is allowed, I must be available always. The Livush (dress) is always proudly worn, what a charming, kind man. Only I know the reality, the sheer terror of being allowed out and watching the clock, checking my phone for his calls, trying to look normal and knowing the clock is ticking…
I would love another child to love and nurture but how will I escape holding 2 children? How will I be able to protect 2? I can’t. He says he will kill me and then her, I know he will. The stress is causing my body to endure a rash so severe I can’t imagine being able to nurture a baby again.
I made us a home, I tried to make you a King. And me, I left. That final time I did not return.
My Freedom, My Freedom! Blame, bargaining, pain, PTSD, fear, shame, terror. Being called to court because you want everything that we own. Where is the help from my friends and Rabbis? How can they say ‘She can have a Gett if he keeps everything?’
"What if I go public with what he did?" "No, sorry that is coercion!"
So I go to court and pay him what he asks to gain my freedom. Nothing for our daughter, nothing for me. I agree.
My Breath, My Breath! It has been 2.5 years and today I will be given my Gett. I am strong. I address the Beis Din, I am a lady, I am eloquent, I am closer to Hashem than ever before. But these Men whom I believed to be the upright leaders of our community whom I once trusted and valued, they are ghosts and I will not give my life over to them again to allow this control and power.
I AM A QUEEN
Orly Vital
Life continues as if passing over us, or more accurate to say passing by us.
Years pass, as we wait for a personal redemption…
Year after year..
And for me nothing has changed… still mourning the destruction of my own private home.
For there is no woman who dreams of destroying a home.
A woman dreams of a home,
Of Shalom Bayit.
And when it does not happen, it’s a great tragedy… a destruction…
And today, my home- my dead is laid before me without the ability to bury in the past.
I already mourned and cried for years of marriage, and more years of being an Aguna, and still waiting…
My heart already wants and longs for a new building…
But no!
I am yet to bury the old…
“And how she sat solitary…”
DAYEINU, Anonymous
Isn't it enough that you trod me into the ground?
Like a spindle with no thread to be wound
Isn't it enough that I was always wrong?
You were always the bully.... for way too long
Isn't it enough the abuse I endured?
Taking me away for a Yom Tov is how I was lured
Isn't it enough that I soon saw your true colours?
I was never treated as your Aishes Chayil, your woman of valor
Isn't it enough that I stood by you for 21 years?
I gave you everything I had, even with all my fears
Isn't it enough the abuse our kids saw?
Our family of 5, and then there were 4
Isn't it enough you were king of your castle?
Your affairs at the end you admitted, to me was your final parting parcel
Isn't it enough I lived with no love from you?
Shame, fear, rejection, abuse, torment, blame, degradation is all you could do
Isn't it enough that I brought up our kids alone?
I thought I could live with you once the nest our children had flown
Isn't it enough how you alienated me from my family and friends?
I could not let you be standing tall till the very end
Isn't it enough the pain you inflicted?
No....the knife you dug in by refusing the Gett, and then the victim you were depicted
Isn't it enough what a damaged individual you are?
Don't you dare think you will not sign over ownership to my car!
Isn't it enough how you stalked, and me you tried to kill?
The thought of ending it all with an injection or a pill?
Isn't it enough that I tried to make it all work out?
Therapists, Rabbis, Mediators, what was it all about?
Isn't it enough that you cannot help those that don't want to have help?
I did everything in vain to create strong foundations, but felt beaten to a pulp
Isn't it enough that the end came with your hands around my throat?
I was now the queen of MY castle, and you were on the other side of my moat!
DAYEINU- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!
I could not stand by, you acting as my headmaster
Feeling you have the power over me, by being my abuser, witholder and my captor
Look who is behind bars!
Who's the man now? Behind the wheel of his fancy car?!
An Email to the Beit Din, Anonymous
Good Morning.
As I celebrate 2 years of first meeting you, re: a Get…
To which your words at the time were “Mrs. X…. See you in a few weeks.”
Two years of being chained to a dead marriage that was over the day I escaped.
My case was the easiest, I immediately had solicitors involved sorting out the childcare and finances.
Just to remind you of your words that a Get isn’t given in connection to this
But no, for two years you ignored my emails and requests and made me beg to be free with no movement.
Dayanim, you all live in the best streets of North West London. Shamefully all that matters to you is money money money.
As the holy Rabbi of Sanz said, in the generation before Mashiach comes, the Rabbonim will be the erev rav and will be blinded by money.
Sit comfortably at your seder table on seder night as I battle to try to put Matzah on my table.
And when they parade outside the Beis Din, don’t be surprised why!
8 Years. Plus., Anonymous
For 8 and a half years I have been waiting in agony. Pleading with Rabbonim and Askonim to help me out of my dead marriage.
For 8 and a half years I have been vilified, shamed and humiliated. My name has been dragged through the mud. I have been told that I can go back to my husband any time.
Even after the beis din has recognised what kind of a man my husband is, they still take his side, saying he is traumatized. What about my trauma?
For 8 and a half years my husband has been tormenting me and making me jump through ridiculous hoops in order to get my get and he always goes back on his word. And he gets away with it without so much as a slap on his wrist.
For 8 and a half years I have had this millstone around my neck, feeling like I am screaming in a room full of people and nobody is listening. My emotional state is not good and I know I'm not there a hundred per cent for my family as this is taking up a lot of my headspace.
He has been called to beis din 7 times and has never shown up. When I ask why a ksav siruv hasn’t been issued I'm told that I don’t know how the beis din works!
For 8 and a half years my health which was already poor has been deteriorating, partly because of the anguish I am being put through. And even now when the beis din know how precarious my health is, the best that they can come up with is that I shouldn’t pursue a get because I'm not going to get married again anyway, How dare they!
For 8 and a half years I have been waiting, waiting for closure and to be able to move forward with my life.
My experience of getting a Gett, Anonymous
The situation was long, scary and painful. It seemed hopeless and never ending. Fighting, literally, fighting for our lives. I have been shouted at, put down and degraded. I was made into a nothing by so many strangers, an item to be played. He got people to turn on me and drop me. I lost everything, including family, friends and people I trusted. I wasn’t a person, just a toy to be thrown around and around at the whim of the people.
Power! Power was their pleasure! Not a single Rabbi I turned to was interested or cared enough to save, not just me but my new born baby, I was on my own throughout my pregnancy, begging for support, trying to fix the unfixable.
Begging for a Gett from the beginning, I was told by Beis Din, “You don’t know what you want.” And. “You don't deserve a Gett”.
The Beth Din did not help, but happily hindered. They openly abused me verbally. I was told I am a selfish, bad person and a bad mother by the registrar as I was begging and crying out for help! The Beth Din did everything in their power to give my husband all the power he could possibly have. The Rabbis and Dayanim were so supportive of him, it gave him power and pleasure having others involved. What a treat and delight he took in the comfort of their support. He sat in the Dayan's house every Friday night for months.
Tears, enough to fill an ocean! What will Hashem test me with next? Can I survive? Can I pass the tests?
I was followed in the street, he always knew where I was and what I was doing. He controlled and abused me and, as time went on, I was too scared to leave the house. My Dr appointment I kept, kept us safe for that short time, until I had to return back to that monster!
Askonim set up everything by arranging a dirty court case against me. A personal attack to force me back to him and control me! They tried to destroy me completely. To take my baby away, and put me into a mental home.
It was on my English and Yiddish birthday, which fell on the same day that year, during the 9 days and after 8 years of abuse and hell, feeling completely broken, miracle of miracles I got my Gett. No more court cases! I still had to face my abuser to receive my Gett from his hands. Such pain, so much so that I couldn’t talk about it when it finally happened! There was no celebration. It was too painful to cope with, it was the last straw, to have to go through that, even at this end stage!
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The court in the end has given us full protection. I managed to save my child, even against all odds that the Beth Din tried to constantly break me. I shouted from the rooftops, that I will never sell my baby for my freedom!
I am still suffering the after effects of the pain and suffering that I have endured. The scars are still there. With no support or care, we overcame it!
I fought to save my baby, trying to swim to the surface, yet every time being pushed under the water again and again.
But I came out of the water, and together with my baby, we are survivors!