Batsheva Stadlan z"l was a young woman who had incredible fashion sense. In her family, hiddur mitzvah (making a mitzvah more beautiful as a way of honoring it) was an important value. She had separate clothes for Shabbat and holidays and always purchased new clothes in honor of an upcoming chag. But one of the things that brought Batsheva the most joy was making the world a more sparkly place- and the way she did that was through lending out her clothing to friends and making sure that everyone looked great. Her attitude was that everyone could look and feel fabulous.
This altruistic act actually ties in to a deeper aspect of "drab to fab." Sometimes people who are struggling with their sense of self worth, or who fall prey to low self-esteem, may not see themselves and their value the way that others do. One of the ways to honor Batsheva's memory is to help your friends, because through assisting them when they are feeling down, and showing them the you that *you* see in them, you may help them see that version of themselves as well.
~~~
You may have seen an especially beautiful סוכה or may know that people spend more money to buy the perfect אתרוג. But why do people do this? Where does the concept of הדור מצוה come from?
It actually first appears in Az Yashir, the song that Bnei Yisrael sang after crossing the Yam Suf/ Sea of Reeds.
עׇזִּ֤י וְזִמְרָת֙ יָ֔הּ וַֽיְהִי־לִ֖י לִֽישׁוּעָ֑ה זֶ֤ה אֵלִי֙ וְאַנְוֵ֔הוּ אֱלֹקֵ֥י אָבִ֖י וַאֲרֹמְמֶֽנְהוּ׃
ה' is my strength and might;
He is become my deliverance.
This is my God and I will glorify Him;
The God of my father’s [house], and I will exalt Him.
What is the source for the requirement of: “This is my God and I will glorify Him”? As it was taught in a baraita with regard to the verse: “This is my God and I will glorify Him [anveihu], the Lord of my father and I will raise Him up.” The Sages interpreted anveihu as linguistically related to noi, beauty, and interpreted the verse: Beautify yourself before Him in mitzvot. Even if one fulfills the mitzva by performing it simply, it is nonetheless proper to perform the mitzva as beautifully as possible. Make before Him a beautiful sukka, a beautiful lulav, a beautiful shofar, beautiful tzitzit, beautiful parchment for a Torah scroll, and write in it in His name in beautiful ink, with a beautiful quill by an expert scribe, and wrap the scroll in beautiful silk fabric.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. How do חז״ל connect the phrase זה קלי ואנוהו to נאה (beauty)?
2. What are some examples of mitzvot where we can beautify the mitzvah to serve God more effectively?
3. Can you share an example of a way in which you personally have beautified a mitzvah or have witnessed someone else do so?
Rather, what Rabbi Zeira said is that for the embellishment of the performance of a mitzva, e.g., to purchase a more beautiful item used in the performance of a mitzva, one should spend up to one-third more than the cost of the standard item used to perform the mitzva.
וּמַעֲשֶׂה בְּרַבָּן גַּמְלִיאֵל וְרַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ וְרַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה וְרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא שֶׁהָיוּ בָּאִין בִּסְפִינָה, וְלֹא הָיָה לוּלָב אֶלָּא לְרַבָּן גַּמְלִיאֵל בִּלְבַד, שֶׁלְּקָחוֹ בְּאֶלֶף זוּז. נְטָלוֹ רַבָּן גַּמְלִיאֵל וְיָצָא בּוֹ, וּנְתָנוֹ לְרַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בְּמַתָּנָה. נְטָלוֹ רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ וְיָצָא בּוֹ, וּנְתָנוֹ לְרַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה בְּמַתָּנָה. נְטָלוֹ רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה וְיָצָא בּוֹ, וּנְתָנוֹ בְּמַתָּנָה לְרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא. נְטָלוֹ רַבִּי עֲקִיבָא וְיָצָא בּוֹ, וְהֶחְזִירוֹ לְרַבָּן גַּמְלִיאֵל.
[...]
לְמָה לִי לְמֵימַר שֶׁלְּקָחוֹ בְּאֶלֶף זוּז? לְהוֹדִיעֲךָ כַּמָּה מִצְוֹת חֲבִיבוֹת עֲלֵיהֶן.
There was an incident involving Rabban Gamliel, and Rabbi Yehoshua, and Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya, and Rabbi Akiva, who were all traveling on a ship during the festival of Sukkot and only Rabban Gamliel had a lulav, which he had bought for one thousand zuz. Rabban Gamliel took it and fulfilled his obligation with it and then gave it to Rabbi Yehoshua as a gift. Rabbi Yehoshua took it and fulfilled his obligation with it and gave it to Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya as a gift. Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya took it and fulfilled his obligation with it and gave it to Rabbi Akiva as a gift. Rabbi Akiva took it and fulfilled his obligation with it and returned it to Rabban Gamliel.
[...]
The Gemara asks: Why do I need to say that Rabban Gamliel bought this lulav for one thousand zuz? The Gemara answers: It is to inform you how beloved mitzvot were to them to the extent that he was willing to pay an exorbitant sum to purchase a lulav.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. How can money be used for purposes of hiddur mitzvah?
2. What happened in the story of Rabban Gamliel, Rabbi Yehoshua, Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah and Rabbi Akiva?
3. Why does the Gemara mention the cost of Rabban Gamliel's lulav?
4. Have you, your family or someone you know ever spent additional money in order to fulfill a mitzvah in a more beautiful way? Share your story.
גְּמָ׳ אִיבַּעְיָא לְהוּ: טַעְמָא דְּרַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר מִשּׁוּם חַבּוֹבֵי מִצְוָה, אוֹ דִילְמָא מִשּׁוּם חֲשָׁדָא. לְמַאי נָפְקָא מִינַּהּ? לְאֵתוֹיֵי מְכוּסֶּה עַל פִּי עֵדִים. אִי אָמְרַתְּ מִשּׁוּם חַבּוֹבֵי מִצְוָה, מְגוּלֶּה — אִין, מְכוּסֶּה — לָא. אֶלָּא אִי אָמְרַתְּ מִשּׁוּם חֲשָׁדָא — אֲפִילּוּ מְכוּסֶּה, שַׁפִּיר דָּמֵי. מַאי?
אִיתְּמַר אָמַר רַבִּי לֵוִי: לֹא אֲמָרָהּ רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר אֶלָּא לְחַבּוֹבֵי מִצְוָה.
(Prior to this Gemara, Rabbi Eliezer stated that if someone had neglected to bring a brit milah knife to shul before Friday night, they could bring it but should bring it uncovered. The Gemara now discusses why it should be uncovered).
GEMARA: A dilemma was raised before the Sages: Is the reason for Rabbi Eliezer’s opinion that the brit milah knife must be uncovered due to affection for the mitzva and the desire to publicize it, or perhaps it is due to avoiding suspicion? The Gemara asks: What practical difference is there between the two reasons suggested for Rabbi Eliezer’s opinion? The Gemara answers: The difference is with regard to the question of whether or not it is permitted to bring the brit milah knife covered in the presence of witnesses who are aware that one is bringing the brit milah knife for the purpose of circumcision. If you say the reason is due to affection for the mitzva, then if it is uncovered, yes, there is a display of affection for the mitzva. If it is covered, no, there is no display of affection. However, if you say the reason for this ruling is due to avoiding suspicion, even if it is covered he may well do so, because the witnesses are aware that a circumcision will be performed. What is the resolution of this dilemma?
It was stated that Rabbi Levi said: Rabbi Eliezer only stated this ruling to express affection for the mitzva.
תַּנְיָא: אָמְרוּ עָלָיו עַל שַׁמַּאי הַזָּקֵן, כׇּל יָמָיו הָיָה אוֹכֵל לִכְבוֹד שַׁבָּת. מָצָא בְּהֵמָה נָאָה, אוֹמֵר: זוֹ לַשַּׁבָּת. מָצָא אַחֶרֶת נָאָה הֵימֶנָּה — מַנִּיחַ אֶת הַשְּׁנִיָּה וְאוֹכֵל אֶת הָרִאשׁוֹנָה.
It is taught in a baraita: They said about Shammai the Elder that all his days he would eat in honor of Shabbat. How so? If he found a choice animal, he would say: This is for Shabbat. If he subsequently found another one choicer than it, he would set aside the second for Shabbat and eat the first. He would eat the first to leave the better-quality animal for Shabbat, which continually rendered his eating an act of honoring Shabbat.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. What is the reason for bringing the brit milah knife uncovered to the shul?
2. How is carrying the knife uncovered a way of showing love for the mitzvah?
3. What does it mean that Shammai would consistently eat for/ buy meat for Shabbat?
4. What would Shammai do when he found a tastier portion of meat later in the week?
5. In your home, do you have special foods or items that you only eat on or save for Shabbat? What are they?
Now that we know that hiddur mitzvah can involve showing love for the mitzvah itself, let's look at other ways in which people exhibit love for mitzvot, elevating the experiences of those around them "from drab to fab!"
רמב״ם הלכות יום טוב ו:יז-יח
וחייב אדם להיות בהן שמח וטוב לב, הוא ובניו ואשתו ובני ביתו וכל הנלווים עליו, שנאמר ”ושמחת, בחגך . . .“ (דברים טז,יד)
כיצד הקטנים נותן להם קליות ואגוזים ומגדנות, והנשים קונה להן בגדים ותכשיטין נאים כפי ממונו, והאנשים אוכלין בשר ושותין יין שאין שמחה אלא בבשר ואין שמחה אלא ביין.
Rambam (Maimonides), Hilchot Yom Tov (The Laws of Festivals) 6:17-18
A person is obligated to be in a state of happiness (simchah) and good spirits [during Sukkot]. This includes one’s children, one’s wife, and anyone who lives in one’s house.
The source is the verse: “You shall rejoice on your festival – you, your son, your daughter …” (Devarim/Deuteronomy 16:14) How does one do this? One should buy nuts, almonds and treats for one’s children. For one’s wife one should buy clothes and jewelry, according to his means. Men eat meat and drink wine, for there is no rejoicing without meat and wine.
(Translation from Olami Resources packet)
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. In your family, do you have a custom to do something special to honor Yom Tov? What is it?
2. Did you know the obligation to be joyous on Sukkot included these specific ways of bringing joy to one's family?
3. What's a way in which you have or could bring joy to someone else?
On the topic of bringing joy to others, let's take a look at the way in which Tu B'Av and Yom Kippur were celebrated...and why it was done in that way. Yes, hiddur mitzvah is important- and there's something nice about laying out more money to beautify a mitzvah. However, not everyone may have the money available to buy beautiful clothing or items. So what are other ways to make sure that everyone feels included and is able to celebrate in a dignified way?
אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל לֹא הָיוּ יָמִים טוֹבִים לְיִשְׂרָאֵל כַּחֲמִשָּׁה עָשָׂר בְּאָב וּכְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים שֶׁבָּהֶן בְּנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת בִּכְלֵי לָבָן שְׁאוּלִין שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּישׁ אֶת מִי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ כׇּל הַכֵּלִים טְעוּנִין טְבִילָה
The mishna cites a passage that concludes its discussion of the month of Av, as well as the entire tractate of Ta’anit, on a positive note. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: There were no days as joyous for the Jewish people as the fifteenth of Av and as Yom Kippur, as on them the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white clothes, which each woman borrowed from another. Why were they borrowed? They did this so as not to embarrass one who did not have her own white garments. All the garments that the women borrowed require immersion, as those who previously wore them might have been ritually impure.
שֶׁבָּהֶן בְּנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם כּוּ׳ תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן בַּת מֶלֶךְ שׁוֹאֶלֶת מִבַּת כֹּהֵן גָּדוֹל בַּת כֹּהֵן גָּדוֹל מִבַּת סְגָן וּבַת סְגָן מִבַּת מְשׁוּחַ מִלְחָמָה וּבַת מְשׁוּחַ מִלְחָמָה מִבַּת כֹּהֵן הֶדְיוֹט וְכׇל יִשְׂרָאֵל שׁוֹאֲלִין זֶה מִזֶּה כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא (יִתְבַּיֵּישׁ) [לְבַיֵּישׁ] אֶת מִי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ:
§ The mishna taught: As on them the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white clothes, and on the fifteenth of Av they would go out to the vineyards and dance. The Sages taught this tradition in greater detail: The daughter of the king borrows white garments from the daughter of the High Priest; the daughter of the High Priest borrows from the daughter of the deputy High Priest; the daughter of the deputy High Priest borrows from the daughter of the priest anointed for war, i.e., the priest who would read verses of Torah and address the army as they prepared for battle; the daughter of the priest anointed for war borrows from the daughter of a common priest; and all the Jewish people borrow from each other. Why would they all borrow garments? They did this so as not to embarrass one who did not have her own white garments.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. Who borrowed white garments?
2. Why did even the daughter of the king or the daughter of the Kohen Gadol/ High Priest borrow white garments?
3. What does this show about the values within halakha when it comes to sharing and spreading joy? How might this showcase the idea of "from drab to fab" for the women who could not afford to buy their own white garments?
4. How do you imagine it made the girls feel to lend out their garments to their friends and make sure everyone was able to celebrate the special day in a dignified manner?
Altruism, kindness and gratitude are all actions we can take that actually give *us* a boost. It's probable that the woman who exchanged clothing with one another were buoyed up by their kind actions!
Let's take a look at gratitude specifically, and how it can transform people.
I have been teaching psychology courses at the University of Pennsylvania for more than thirty years: introductory psychology, learning, motivation, clinical and abnormal psychology. I love teaching, but I have never experienced more joy than in teaching Positive Psychology for the last four years. One of the reasons is that, unlike the other courses I teach, there are real world assignments that are meaningful and even life-changing.
For example, one year I was stumped for an assignment to "contrast doing something fun with doing something altruistic. So I made the creation of such an exercise itself an exercise. Marisa Lascher, one of the least conventional of the students, suggested that we have a "Gratitude Night." Class members would bring a guest who had been important in their lives, but whom they had never properly thanked. Each would present a testimonial about that person by way of thanks, and a discussion would follow each testimonial. The guests would not know about the exact purpose of the gathering until the gathering itself.
And so it was that one month later, on a Friday evening, with some cheese and a wine, the class assembled along with seven guests- three mothers, two close friends, one roommate, and one younger sister- from around the country. (To keep the time to three hours, we had to restrict the invitees to only one-third of the class.) Patty said this to her mother:
"How do we value a person? Can we measure her worth like a piece of gold, with the purest 24-karat nugget shining more brightly than the rest? If a person's inner worth were this apparent to everyone, I would not need to make this speech. As it is not, I would like to describe the purest soul I know: my mom. Now I know she's looking at me at this very moment, with one eyebrow cocked effortlessly higher than the other. No, Mom, you have not been selected for having the purest mind. You are, however, the most genuine and pure-of-heart person I have ever met...
"When complete strangers will call you to talk about the loss of their dearest pet, however, I am truly taken aback. Each time you speak with a bereaved person, you begin crying yourself, just as if your own pet had died. You provide comfort in a time of great loss for these people. As a child, this confused me, but I realize now that it is simply your genuine heart, reaching out in a time of need...
"There is nothing but joy in my heart as I talk about the most wonderful person I know. I can only dream of becoming the pure piece of gold I believe stands before me. It is with the utmost humility that you travel through life, never *once* asking for thanks, simply hoping along the way that people have enjoyed their time with you."
There was literally not a dry eye in the room as Patty read...
[...]
In their evaluations of the course at the end of the semester, "Friday, October 27th was one of the greatest nights of my life" was not an untypical comment from observers and speakers alike. Indeed, Gratitude Night is now the high point of the class. As a teacher and as a human being, it is hard to ignore all this. We do not have a vehicle in our culture for telling the people who mean the most to us how thankful we are that they are on the planet- and even when we are moved to do so, we shrink in embarrassment. So I now offer you the first of two gratitude exercises. This first exercise is for all my readers, not just for those who score low on gratitude or life satisfaction:
Select one important person from your past who has made a major positive difference in your life and to whom you have never fully expressed your thanks. Write a testimonial just long enough to cover one laminated page. Take your time composing this; my students and I found ourselves taking several weeks, composing on buses and as we fell asleep at night. Invite that person to your home, or travel to that person's home. It is important you do this face to face, not just in writing or on the phone. Do not tell the person the purpose of the visit in advance; a simple "I just want to see you" will suffice. Wine and cheese do not matter, but bring a laminated version of your testimonial with you as a gift. When all settles down, read your testimonial aloud slowly, with expression, and with eye contact. Then let the other person react unhurriedly. Reminisce together about the concrete events that make this person important to you.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. What happened on Gratitude Night?
2. We understand why Gratitude Night would be impactful for someone who is being thanked- but why do you think it was so impactful for the person who was actually *doing* the thanking?
3. Have you ever thanked someone like this? Do you remember how it felt?
4. Why do you think altruism, kindness and expressing gratitude can actually make *you* feel happier and better?
Shifting gears, we are now going to focus on low self-esteem -- what causes it, how it can be helped, and how to build a person (or oneself) back up when they have it. The ultimate gift of going from "drab to fab" is to help someone who is down feel better or see themselves in a more clear, positive light.
While some people may be aware that they are suffering from low self-esteem, many people do not realize this.
What I refer to as a low self-esteem problem is not just a low opinion of oneself, but more specifically, a feeling of negativity about oneself that is unwarranted and unsupported by fact. Although many people are aware that they have little self-confidence and that they harbor feelings of inadequacy, they believe those feelings are justified because they are convinced that their inadequacies are real. Quite often this self-perception is incorrect, and the low self-esteem and poor self-confidence are in reality unjustified.
I have found it quite difficult to shake people loose from their erroneous self-concepts. A person who sees an object before his eyes is fully convinced that what he sees is really there and that it actually possesses the very characteristics of shape and color that he perceives. It is virtually impossible to convince someone that the object he sees is nonexistent, and that his perception is a hallucination. If we could somehow convince the person that his vision is distorted, he might then accept someone else's description of the object.
[...]
Let us take this one step further. The person who sees a given object is certain that everyone else sees just what he sees. He does not doubt the validity of his sense of perception, and if he sees a brown table, he naturally assumes that everyone else also sees the object as a brown table. Similarly, the person who has a perception of himself as being dull, socially inept, unattractive or unlikeable, is convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that this is also the way others perceive him. To him, his perception is reality.
This insight was not derived solely from psychological texts, but can be found in the Torah. In the saga of the spies who were sent to Canaan by Moses, it is told that the spies reported the Canaanites to be a race of giants. "We appeared to them as small as grasshoppers, and that is how we felt ourselves to be" (Numbers 13:33). The principle is clearly stated. The way you feel about yourself is the way you believe that others perceive you.
This particular passage is further extended in the commentary of Rashi: "We heard them (the Canaanites) say, "there are ants crawling in our vineyards.'" Two important psychological insights are contained in this comment. Firstly, in all likelihood the spies did not even understand the language of the Canaanites, yet they were certain what it was they were talking about. If you feel inadequate, you are certain to conclude that other people have noticed and are discussing your inadequacies. Secondly, there is a downward progression to feelings of low self-esteem. Having initially felt as small as grasshoppers, the spies soon felt themselves shrinking to the size of ants.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. What does it mean to have low self-esteem?
2. Is it easy to simply talk someone out of their low self-esteem, and why yes or no?
3. How does the story of the spies in Canaan connect to this idea?
4. What is the danger of low self-esteem- where does it lead?
It might be wise to anticipate a challenge at this point. The reader may ask, "If you are approaching a psychological problem from a Torah perspective, how can you be critical of low self-esteem? Are we not taught that gahva (vanity) is an abomination? Does the Talmud not stress "Be very, very humble?" (Ethics of the Fathers 4:4)
This calls for a bit of clarification. What I have termed as a negative self-image is not a feeling of anivus (humility) but rather a feeling resulting from a distorted self-perception, wherein the person is in denial of his positive assets and sees himself as being much less than he is in reality. The negative self-image is not humility but a delusion, a false perception.
The Torah is absolute in its condemnation of falsehood in whatever shape or form. Indeed, although many precautionary measures to avoid transgression of Biblical edicts are of Rabbinic origin, only one such precautionary measure is prescribed in the Bible proper, and that is with respect to the avoidance of falsehood. Supplementing the prohibition, "You shall not lie,"(Leviticus 19:11), the Torah stresses, "Distance yourself from falsehood" (Exodus 23:7).
Thus, if the reality is that one has a pleasant voice, then it is improper to deny this. If one is intellectually bright, one must not think of himself as dull. If one is attractive, one may not think of himself as homely. If one is an accomplished scholar, one is not permitted to consider himself an ignoramus.
[...]
The compatibility of self-awareness with humility is readily understandable in light of the Talmudic teaching, "If you have learned a great deal of Torah do not take the credit for yourself, for that is how you were created" (Ethics of the Fathers 2:8). Just as the person blessed with a fine voice must recognize this to be a Divine gift, so the person with a brilliant mind capable of learning, retaining, and analyzing should recognize this as a G-d given talent. One can recognize his factual greatness without assuming the pride and vanity of the strutting peacock.
Self-esteem is based on the realization of one's capacities, of what one can do. Vanity is the feeling that admiration and exaltation should be expressed for what one has done. Thus, the Chafetz Chaim wrote his great works because he knew he could do it, and that is a healthy and virtuous self-esteem. After the works were completed, he did not expect honor or glory for his achievements. Quite the contrary, he was already concentrating on what remained for him to do with his G-d given talents. That is consistent with humility.
Indeed, there is reason to believe that gahva is never the consequence of recognition of one's true skills and talents. A person with a healthy self-esteem has no need for the praise and approbation of others. Gahva is invariably a desperate attempt of a person who feels negatively about himself to escape from his feelings of worthlessness. He craves honor and seeks praise to assure himself that he is indeed a worthwhile person, in contrast to his feelings. Since the feelings of worthlessness are delusional, however, no amount of praise or admiration is ever enough. This person can never be sufficiently reassured, and repeatedly persists in trying to impress others with his achievements.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. Rabbi Twerski makes a subtle but important point. What is the difference between gahva (vanity, pride) and anivus (humility)?
2. Is it proper to think of oneself as less than one is- less qualified, less attractive, just less?
3. What is a proper way for a person to relate to their unique strengths and talents?
4. What is a proper way for people to channel their strengths and talents?
5. Can you think of a unique strength or talent that *you* have? How have you used it or channelled it in a way that helps the world or brings you closer to God?
"From Drab to Fab" can apply in several different ways!
- Hiddur mitzvah, or beautifying a mitzvah, is a way of transforming a basic law or command we must keep to something beautiful and special.
- Kindness and altruism is a way of making sure that everyone can be dignified in the performance of a mitzvah, and also of lifting our own spirits.
- We must be careful to note the difference between low self-esteem and humility. Low self-esteem is a delusion where a person believes they are not as good as they really are. Humility means you know how good you are- but you also realize that you *are* that way because God made you with those gifts and capacities, and you have the power to do a lot of good with them!