What do we think we should teach our children?
How should we teach our children?
What else is reasonable for our children to expect from us?
In order for us to have good relationships with our children, what do we think we need to do/be/work on?
(ו) וְהָי֞וּ הַדְּבָרִ֣ים הָאֵ֗לֶּה אֲשֶׁ֨ר אָנֹכִ֧י מְצַוְּךָ֛ הַיּ֖וֹם עַל־לְבָבֶֽךָ׃ (ז) וְשִׁנַּנְתָּ֣ם לְבָנֶ֔יךָ וְדִבַּרְתָּ֖ בָּ֑ם בְּשִׁבְתְּךָ֤ בְּבֵיתֶ֙ךָ֙ וּבְלֶכְתְּךָ֣ בַדֶּ֔רֶךְ וּֽבְשׇׁכְבְּךָ֖ וּבְקוּמֶֽךָ׃
(6) Take to heart these instructions with which I command/obligate you this day. (7) Teach them to your children and speak of them when you are at home and when travelling on the road, when you lie down, and when you get up.
2. The word וְשִׁנַּנְתָּ֣ם /v'shinantam, "teach," literally means "to repeat, inculcate, sharpen, memorize". (Shoresh = SHIN-NUN-NUN). What does this mean about a parent's obligation to their child?
3. What else does this text teach us about a parent's obligation to their child?
4. If you could condense what you are trying to teach your children into one sentence, what that sentence be?
תְּנֵינָא לְהָא דְּתָנוּ רַבָּנַן הָאָב חַיָּיב בִּבְנוֹ לְמוּלוֹ וְלִפְדוֹתוֹ וּלְלַמְּדוֹ תּוֹרָה וּלְהַשִּׂיאוֹ אִשָּׁה וּלְלַמְּדוֹ אוּמָּנוּת וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים אַף לַהֲשִׁיטוֹ בַּמַּיִם
The Gemara comments: According to this interpretation, we learn in this mishna that which the Sages taught in a baraita: A father is obligated with regard to his son to circumcise him, and to redeem him if he is a firstborn son who must be redeemed by payment to a priest, and to teach him Torah, and to marry him to a woman, and to teach him a trade. And some say: A father is also obligated to teach his son to swim.
2. What would you add to this list? What would you change or remove from this list?
(כא) הוּא הָיָה אוֹמֵר, בֶּן חָמֵשׁ שָׁנִים לַמִּקְרָא, בֶּן עֶשֶׂר לַמִּשְׁנָה, בֶּן שְׁלשׁ עֶשְׂרֵה לַמִּצְוֹת, בֶּן חֲמֵשׁ עֶשְׂרֵה לַתַּלְמוּד, בֶּן שְׁמֹנֶה עֶשְׂרֵה לַחֻפָּה, בֶּן עֶשְׂרִים לִרְדֹּף, בֶּן שְׁלשִׁים לַכֹּחַ, בֶּן אַרְבָּעִים לַבִּינָה, בֶּן חֲמִשִּׁים לָעֵצָה, בֶּן שִׁשִּׁים לַזִּקְנָה, בֶּן שִׁבְעִים לַשֵּׂיבָה, בֶּן שְׁמֹנִים לַגְּבוּרָה, בֶּן תִּשְׁעִים לָשׁוּחַ, בֶּן מֵאָה כְּאִלּוּ מֵת וְעָבַר וּבָטֵל מִן הָעוֹלָם:
(21) He used to say: At five years of age the study of Scripture; At ten the study of Mishnah; At thirteen subject to the commandments; At fifteen the study of Talmud; At eighteen the bridal canopy; At twenty for pursuit [of livelihood]; At thirty the peak of strength; At forty wisdom; At fifty able to give counsel; At sixty old age; At seventy fullness of years; At eighty the age of “strength”; At ninety a bent body; At one hundred, as good as dead and gone completely out of the world.
(6) Train a child in the way they ought to go; they will not swerve from it even in old age.
One should not promise to give something to a child and then not give it to them, because that person will thereby teach the child lying, as it is said, “They have taught their tongues to speak lies” (Jeremiah 9:4).
2. According to these texts, how is a parent supposed to teach their child?
3. Aside from education, what responsibilities should a parent have towards their child? What else does a parent need to do for their child in order to have ideal parent-child relationship?
(ט) רַ֡ק הִשָּׁ֣מֶר לְךָ֩ וּשְׁמֹ֨ר נַפְשְׁךָ֜ מְאֹ֗ד פֶּן־תִּשְׁכַּ֨ח אֶת־הַדְּבָרִ֜ים אֲשֶׁר־רָא֣וּ עֵינֶ֗יךָ וּפֶן־יָס֙וּרוּ֙ מִלְּבָ֣בְךָ֔ כֹּ֖ל יְמֵ֣י חַיֶּ֑יךָ וְהוֹדַעְתָּ֥ם לְבָנֶ֖יךָ וְלִבְנֵ֥י בָנֶֽיךָ׃
(9) But take utmost care and watch yourselves scrupulously, so that you do not forget the things that you saw with your own eyes and so that they do not fade from your mind as long as you live. And make them known to your children and to your children’s children.
(ו) יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:
(6) Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: make for yourself a teacher, and acquire for yourself a friend and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
2. Let's explore the teacher/friend dynamic of being a parent...
3. Who is the teacher is this text? What have your children taught you?
Just as a person is obligated to teach their child, so it is their duty to teach their grandchildren, as it says, "Make them known to your children, and to your children's children" (Deut 4:9). This obligation does not refer only to one's child and grandchild, but it is a duty resting upon every Jewish scholar to teach all those who seek to be their student, even though they are not that scholar's own children, for it says, "And you shall teach them diligently to your children" (Deut 6:7). On traditional authority, the term "your children" in this verse has been interpreted to mean that your pupils are likewise called children.
Initially, whoever had a father would have his father teach him Torah, and whoever did not have a father would not learn Torah at all. The Gemara explains: What verse did they interpret homiletically that allowed them to conduct themselves in this manner? They interpreted the verse that states: “And you shall teach them [otam] to your sons” (Deuteronomy 11:19), to mean: And you yourselves [atem] shall teach, i.e., you fathers shall teach your sons. When the Sages saw that not everyone was capable of teaching their children and Torah study was declining, they instituted an ordinance that teachers of children should be established in Jerusalem. The Gemara explains: What verse did they interpret homiletically that enabled them to do this? They interpreted the verse: “For Torah emerges from Zion” (Isaiah 2:3). But still, whoever had a father, his father ascended with him to Jerusalem and had him taught, but whoever did not have a father, he did not ascend and learn.
(12) Honour your father and your mother, that you may long endure on the land that your God is assigning to you.
(3) You shall each revere/fear your mother and your father, and keep My sabbaths: I am your God.
(8) My child, heed the discipline of your father, and do not forsake the instruction of your mother.
Instruction ("Torah") = Mothers
Discuss.
1. It never happened. No parents ever brought their rebellious son or daughter before the community to be executed. In all of Jewish history, our rabbis and scholars tell us, such an execution never occurred and never will (BT, Sanhedrin 71a). Still, the threat of the consequence had impact, or at least, that was the expectation.
2. Drinking and eating too much only tell part of the story. We really wouldn't kill someone for such behavior, since most of us engage in one or the other, or both, at least from time to time. The issue here, it seems to me, is that the behavior of the teen is so outrageous in terms of the values and standards of his or her home that the parents are distraught to the point where life is not worth living with that child -- parent or teen has to go.
3. There was a community, a Jewish community, to which the parents of Jewish teens could turn with their problem. Then and now, parenting Jewish teens is a job that needs community support.
Parenting Jewish Teens: A Guide for the Perplexed by Joanne Doades