Talking to Women

יוֹסֵי בֶן יוֹחָנָן אִישׁ יְרוּשָׁלַיִם אוֹמֵר, יְהִי בֵיתְךָ פָתוּחַ לִרְוָחָה, וְיִהְיוּ עֲנִיִּים בְּנֵי בֵיתֶךָ, וְאַל תַּרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה. בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ אָמְרוּ, קַל וָחֹמֶר בְּאֵשֶׁת חֲבֵרוֹ. מִכָּאן אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים, כָּל זְמַן שֶׁאָדָם מַרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה, גּוֹרֵם רָעָה לְעַצְמוֹ, וּבוֹטֵל מִדִּבְרֵי תוֹרָה, וְסוֹפוֹ יוֹרֵשׁ גֵּיהִנֹּם:

Pirkei Avot 1:5

Yose ben Yochanan (a man) of Jerusalem used to say: Let thy house be wide open, and let the poor be members of thy household. Engage not in too much conversation with women. They said this with regard to one’s own wife, how much more [does the rule apply] with regard to another man’s wife. From here the Sages said: as long as a man engages in too much conversation with women, he causes evil to himself, he neglects the study of the Torah, and in the end he will inherit gehinnom.

רבינו יונה על פרקי אבות א׳:ה׳:ד׳

באשתו אמרו קל וחומר באשת חבירו. (כמרז"ל כי באבות דר' נתן אומר) באשתו נדה אמרו ק"ו באשת חבירו. ר"ל שלא ירבה דברים עם אשתו נדה שמא יתגבר עליו יצר הרע ויבוא לידי פשיעה וק"ו באשת חברו שיצרו תקפו עליה ביותר.

Rabbeinu Yonah on Pirkei Avot 1:5:4

They so stated with his wife; all the more so with the wife of his friend. (Our master and teacher [Rashi] wrote, "As it is written in the Fathers According to Rabbi Nathan), "They said [this] about his menstruant wife, all the more so regarding the wife of his fellow." It means to say, that he not increase words with his menstruant wife, lest his impulse overcomes him and he comes to a mishap; and all the more so with the wife of his fellow, about whom his impulse pressures him even more.

רמב"ם משנה אבות א׳:ה׳:ג׳

באשתו אמרו. ידוע שהשיחה עם הנשים על הרוב הוא בעניני המשגל מפני זה אמר שהרבות השיח עמהן אסור כי הוא גורם רעה לעצמו ר"ל שיקנה פחיתות מדות לנפשו והוא רוב התאוה:

Rambam on Pirkei Avot 1:5:3

They so stated with his wife: It is known that the majority of talk with women is about matters of sex. Because of this, he said that increasing conversation with them is forbidden, since he "causes evil to himself." He means to say that he acquires lowly traits for his soul, and that is the abundance of desire.

ברטנורא על משנה אבות א׳:ה׳:ג׳

בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ אָמְרוּ. מִדְּקָאָמַר עִם הָאִשָּׁה וְלֹא אָמַר עִם אִשָּׁה, לָמַדְנוּ שֶׁבְּאִשְׁתּוֹ אָמְרוּ. אִית דִּמְפָרְשֵׁי, בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ נִדָּה בִּלְבַד, שֶׁלֹּא יָבֹא לִידֵי הֶרְגֵּל עֲבֵרָה. וּמִדִּבְרֵי הַמִּשְׁנָה נִרְאֶה, דַּאֲפִלּוּ בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ טְהוֹרָה. וְכֵן אָמְרוּ חֲזַ"ל (חגיגה ה') מַגִּיד לְאָדָם מַה שֵּׂחוֹ, אֲפִלּוּ שִׂיחָה קַלָּה שֶׁבֵּין אִישׁ לְאִשְׁתּוֹ מַגִּידִין לוֹ בִּשְׁעַת הַדִּין. אֶלָּא אִם כֵּן צָרִיךְ לְפַיְּסָהּ לִדְבַר מִצְוָה, כְּגוֹן רַב דְּשָׂח וְשָׂחַק וְעָשָׂה צְרָכָיו:

Bartenura on Pirkei Avot 1:5:3

They so stated with his wife: Since he said "with the woman" and did not say "with a woman," we learn that they so stated concerning his wife. Some explain, "With his menstruating wife only, so that he should not come to be accustomed to transgression." But from the words of the Mishnah, it appears that [this applies] even when his wife is ritually pure. So too have our sages, may their memory be blessed, stated, "[God] tells a man what his conversation is, even light conversation between a man and his wife is told to him at the time of judgment," unless he needs to appease her for the sake of the commandment, such as Rav, who conversed and jested and fulfilled his needs (Hag. 5b).

ברטנורא על משנה אבות א׳:ה׳:ד׳

מִכָּאן אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים. רַבֵּנוּ הַקָּדוֹשׁ שֶׁסִּדֵּר הַמִּשְׁנָיוֹת כְּתָבָהּ, מִדִּבְרֵי חָכָם זֶה שֶׁאָמַר וְאַל תַּרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה לָמְדוּ חֲכָמִים לוֹמַר, כָּל זְמַן שֶׁאָדָם מַרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה גּוֹרֵם רָעָה לְעַצְמוֹ. מָצָאתִי כָּתוּב, כְּשֶׁאָדָם מְסַפֵּר לְאִשְׁתּוֹ קוֹרוֹתָיו כָּךְ וְכָךְ אֵרַע לִי עִם פְּלוֹנִי, הִיא מְלַמֶּדְתּוֹ לְחַרְחֵר רִיב, כְּגוֹן קֹרַח שֶׁסִּפֵּר לְאִשְׁתּוֹ מַה שֶּׁעָשָׂה מֹשֶׁה שֶׁהֵנִיף אֶת הַלְּוִיִּים תְּנוּפָה, וֶהֱבִיאַתּוּ בִּדְבָרֶיהָ לִידֵי מַחֲלֹקֶת. אִי נַמִּי, מִתּוֹךְ שֶׁהוּא מְסַפֵּר לָהּ שֶׁחֲבֵרָיו גִּנּוּהוּ וּבִיְּשׁוּהוּ אַף הִיא מְבַזָּה אוֹתוֹ בְּלִבָּהּ, וְזֶה גּוֹרֵם רָעָה לְעַצְמוֹ:

Bartenura on Pirkei Avot 1:5:4

from this, the sages said: Our holy master (Rabbi), who arranged the mishnahs, wrote [this]: From the words of this sage, who said, "Do not increase conversation with the woman," the sages learned to say, "Every time that a man increases conversation with the woman he causes evil for himself." I have found written, "When a man says to his wife his doings, ‘Such and such befell me with so and so,’ she teaches him to stir up trouble, like Korah, who told his wife what Moshe did, when he waved the Levites as a wave-offering, and her words brought him to an argument." And also (another possibility is) when he tells her that his colleagues insulted him and shamed him, she too despises him in her heart, and this causes evil for himself.

בבא מציעא נ״ט א:ו׳

ואמר רב כל ההולך בעצת אשתו נופל בגיהנם שנאמר (מלכים א כא, כה) רק לא היה כאחאב וגו' א"ל רב פפא לאביי והא אמרי אינשי איתתך גוצא גחין ותלחוש לה לא קשיא הא במילי דעלמא והא במילי דביתא לישנא אחרינא הא במילי דשמיא והא במילי דעלמא

Bava Metzia 59a:6

And Rav says: Nevertheless, anyone who follows the counsel of his wife descends into Gehenna, as it is stated: “But there was none like Ahab, who did give himself over to do that which was evil in the sight of the Lord, whom Jezebel his wife incited” (I Kings 21:25). Rav Pappa said to Abaye: But don’t people say a popular proverb: If your wife is short, stoop and whisper to her and consult with her? The Gemara answers: This is not difficult, as this statement of Rav instructs that one not follow her counsel in general matters; and that proverb instructs that one follow her counsel in household matters. The Gemara presents another version of this distinction: This statement of Rav maintains that one should not follow her counsel in divine matters; and that proverb maintains that one should follow her counsel in general matters.

פירוש ספורנו על פרקי אבות
ואל תרבה שיחה אפילו עם אשתך. אף על פי שראוי לדבר עמה בעסקי הבית כאמרם ז״ל ״אתתך גוצא גחון ולחוש לה„ מכל מקום אל תרבה אותה שיחה. מכאן אמרו כיון שאין סבת ההמנע משיחת האשה מפני חשש ערוה שהרי הזהיר מזה גם באשתו. אם כן היתה זאת האזהרה ממנה מפני איבוד הזמן שלא ירגיש האדם בו. ובזה גורם רעה לעצמו בעסקי חיי שעה ובוטל מדברי תורה באיבוד הזמן וטרדת הכח במחשבי שיפנה אחרי ההבל וסופו יורש גהינם שכך דרכו של יצר הרע להוציא מרעה אל רעה.

Sforno on Pirkei Avot 1:5

And do not increase conversation even with your wife. Even though, it is proper to discuss matters of the household with her, as they of blessed memory said "if your wife is short, bend down and whisper with her," still do not overly engage with her in chatter. It is apparent from here that the concern is not from any worry of immorality for they even warned here with regard to his own wife. If so, it must be that the warning is with regard to wasting time, that a man should not draw after it. This is what will cause evil to himself in regards to matters of life, and will neglect the words of Torah through wasting time and spending his energy on thoughts that draw him towards vanity, and his end will be to inherit geihinom for that is the way of the evil inclination to draw him from one evil to another.