Dr. Kristin Neff's Definition of Self-Compassion:
Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.
Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.
(יח) לֹֽא־תִקֹּ֤ם וְלֹֽא־תִטֹּר֙ אֶת־בְּנֵ֣י עַמֶּ֔ךָ וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ אֲנִ֖י ה'׃
(18) Thou shalt not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the LORD.
The concept of self-compassion suggests that you shall love yourself as you do your neighbor, that it is easier to have compassion for others than it is to have compassion for oneself. Which do you find easier? Why? Can we use this commandment in the reverse direction?
What is Fierce Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff
https://self-compassion.org/fierce-self-compassion/
The quintessential question of self-compassion is “What do I need right now?” and more specifically “What do I need to help alleviate my suffering?” The answer to this question changes depending on the circumstances. Sometimes what we need is to accept ourselves in all our human imperfection, to love ourselves as we are in the moment. But that doesn’t mean we necessarily want to stay as we are in the moment. If a herd of cattle is stampeding toward you, it’s not the time for self-acceptance, it’s time for action. Most people think of self-compassion as soft and gentle, but self-compassion can be fierce as well as tender.
Tender self-compassion involves “being with” ourselves in an accepting way: comforting ourselves, reassuring ourselves that we aren’t alone, and being present with our pain. Fierce self-compassion involves “acting in the world” to alleviate suffering. It tends to involve protecting, providing for, and motivating ourselves. Sometimes we need to stand tall and say no, draw boundaries, or fight injustice. Or we may need to say yes to ourselves, to do what’s needed to be happy rather than subordinating our needs to those of others. And if we’re stuck in a bad situation or habits that are harmful, it means doing something different. Not because we’re unacceptable as we are, but because we care.
Dr. Kristin Neff
https://self-compassion.org/fierce-self-compassion/
The quintessential question of self-compassion is “What do I need right now?” and more specifically “What do I need to help alleviate my suffering?” The answer to this question changes depending on the circumstances. Sometimes what we need is to accept ourselves in all our human imperfection, to love ourselves as we are in the moment. But that doesn’t mean we necessarily want to stay as we are in the moment. If a herd of cattle is stampeding toward you, it’s not the time for self-acceptance, it’s time for action. Most people think of self-compassion as soft and gentle, but self-compassion can be fierce as well as tender.
Tender self-compassion involves “being with” ourselves in an accepting way: comforting ourselves, reassuring ourselves that we aren’t alone, and being present with our pain. Fierce self-compassion involves “acting in the world” to alleviate suffering. It tends to involve protecting, providing for, and motivating ourselves. Sometimes we need to stand tall and say no, draw boundaries, or fight injustice. Or we may need to say yes to ourselves, to do what’s needed to be happy rather than subordinating our needs to those of others. And if we’re stuck in a bad situation or habits that are harmful, it means doing something different. Not because we’re unacceptable as we are, but because we care.
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
—Leonard Cohen, Anthem (1992)
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
—Leonard Cohen, Anthem (1992)
The following texts suggest that making mistakes and seeking forgiveness has value and is more virtuous than acting perfectly.
1. Read the texts aloud.
2. Work together to understand each text. Rephrase each text in your own words.
2. Answer these questions together:
- Do you agree?
- What holiness or benefit can come from our mistakes and imperfections?
- How would it impact you to show yourself kindness and understanding when you make a mistake? Do you think it would make it harder or easier do better next time?
א"ר אבהו מקום שבעלי תשובה עומדין צדיקים גמורים אינם עומדין שנאמר
R. Abbahu teaches: The place where those who do teshuva (repent) stand, the perfectly righteous are unable to stand.
Commentary on Berakhot 34b:
"A perfectly righteous person"--this is someone who sees themself as complete in all of their words and actions. A person such as this resides on a lower rung then one who has done teshuva (repented) since their heart is broken [over their wrongdoing].
--Rabbi Simcha Bunem from Peshishcha
"A perfectly righteous person"--this is someone who sees themself as complete in all of their words and actions. A person such as this resides on a lower rung then one who has done teshuva (repented) since their heart is broken [over their wrongdoing].
--Rabbi Simcha Bunem from Peshishcha
“Every act of forgiveness mends something broken in this fractured world. It is a step, however small, in the long, hard journey to redemption.”
—Rabbi Jonathan Sacks
—Rabbi Jonathan Sacks
"השוכן אתם בתוך טומאתם" – אף על פי שהם טמאים שכינה ביניהם.
"Who dwells with them in the midst of their impurities": Even though they are impure, the Divine Presence dwells among them.