Before I get started with some text study I wanted to briefly touch on my inspiration for this shiur. About a month ago a new Netflix series came out called My Unorthodox Life. I was of course intrigued by not only the name, but what kind of content there would be in the show and how it would portray the Orthodox community either positively or negatively.
To give a little bit of background, this documentary follows the life of Julia Haart, an ex-orthodox/or off the derech Orthodox mother of four and it discusses both her life today completely separated from the Orthodox community and it also goes into some of her past and why she left the community.
Julia Haart while living as a Haredi Jew in Atlanta throughout the 1990s and early 2000s, Haart became increasingly uncomfortable with her community. The treatment of her younger daughter, Miriam, bothered her in particular, she said that her daughter "just wouldn't conform. They were doing to her what they had done to me — trying to push her down and mold her into that flat person that they could disappear. I couldn't let that happen.
At this point Julia left the Orthodox community and went to the completely opposite extreme becoming completely secular. My hope is to analyze some examples of how we should act and try to build path to find balance in life.
Toward the beginning of this weeks Parsha we learn about the case of the Ben Sorer oo'Moreh, the wayward and rebellious son. This is just one of many examples that the torah gives teaching us how to act and what the potential consequences are for our actions. Many of these examples are given through stories with two sides showing a duality like the actions of Avraham rushing to welcome his guests versus the people of Sodom, Yaakov and Eisav, Yosef and his brothers and Moshe and Aaron versus Korach and his followers. The example of the ben sorer oo'moreh seems at face value to be a one sided message that if one cannot act appropriately then they will be put to death.
The Gemara expounds on this Pasuk and starts analyzing the situation. It starts limiting the case for example:
1. They have to eat a huge amount of meat
2. Drink a huge amount of wine
3. They have to be a specific age
4. They have to have been warned by more than the normal amount of witnesses
5. They have to be identical to their parents
ETC.
So much so that the Gemara concludes...
So if the Ben Sorer oo'Moreh never existed why does the torah spend valuable words on making this point?
What can we learn from the Ben Sorer oo'Moreh and his actions?
How does this example relate to our original story?
The Gemara in Sanhedrin daf 39b discusses the idea that all humans come from a single source and that their is holiness in all people.
It specifically looks at the idea of being happy when something bad happens to a wicked person, is this something that is allowed? Does Hashem look favorably on rejoicing in the downfall of evil people.
שאין הקדוש ברוך הוא שמח במפלתן של רשעים
This is because the Holy One, Blessed be He, is not gladdened by the downfall of the wicked.
Ultimately the we learn from this that we do not celebrate the downfall of evil people. We then need to be able to better understand what is the right way for us to be acting.
Currently in the daf yomi cycle we are learning about the arbah minim, the four species, and the message behind each of these four species. They are ultimately representative of the Jewish people and how diverse our beliefs and practices are:
(יב) דבר אחר: פרי עץ הדר, אלו ישראל. מה אתרוג זה, יש בו טעם ויש בו ריח. כך ישראל, יש בהם בני אדם, שיש בהם תורה, ויש בהם מעשים טובים. כפות תמרים, אלו ישראל. מה התמרה הזו, יש בו טעם ואין בו ריח. כך הם ישראל, יש בהם שיש בהם תורה ואין בהם מעשים טובים. וענף עץ עבות, אלו ישראל. מה הדס, יש בו ריח ואין בו טעם.כך ישראל, יש בהם שיש בהם מעשים טובים ואין בהם תורה. וערבי נחל, אלו ישראל. מה ערבה זו, אין בה טעם ואין בה ריח. כך הם ישראל, יש בהם בני אדם שאין בהם לא תורה ולא מעשים טובים. ומה הקב"ה עושה להם? לאבדן אי אפשר, אלא אמר הקדוש ברוך הוא יוקשרו כולם אגודה אחת.
(12) Another explanation: "The fruit of a beautiful tree" - these are [referring to] Israel. Just like this citron (etrog), which has taste and has smell, so too Israel has among them people that have Torah learning and treat each other kindly. "The branches of a date palm" - these are [referring to] Israel. Just like this date, which has taste and has no smell, so too Israel has among them those that have Torah knowledge but do not treat others kindly. "And a branch of a braided tree (a myrtle)" - these are [referring to] Israel. Just like this myrtle, which has smell and has no taste, so too Israel has among them those that treat others kindly but do not have Torah knowledge. "And brook willows" - these are [referring to] Israel. Just like this willow, which has no smell and has no taste, so too Israel has among them people that have no Torah knowledge and do not treat each other kindly. And what does the Holy One, blessed be He, do to them? To destroy them is impossible, but rather the Holy One, blessed be He, said "bind them all together [into] one grouping"
The Rambam in his introduction to Pirkei Avot, Shmoneh Prakim, delves deeply into the right way for us to act in the world and how to find balance in our lives.
המעשים הטובים הם המעשים השווים הממוצעים בין שתי קצוות ששתיהן רע
GOOD deeds are such as are equibalanced, maintaining the mean between two equally bad extremes, the too much and the too little. .
ועל זה המין מן הטעות יחשבו גם כן הפזור, ויתרון טוב הלבב מן הפעולות הטובות, וה כלו טעות, ואמנם ישובח באמת המצוע, ואליו צריך לאדם לכוין, וישקול פעולותיו כלם תמיד עד שיתמצעו:
In like manner, profuse liberality and extreme lavishness are erroneously extolled as excellent characteristics. This is, however, an absolutely mistaken view, for the really praiseworthy is the medium course of action to which every one should strive to adhere, always weighing his conduct carefully, so that he may attain the proper mean.
ולחכמים בזה הענין דבר לא שמעתי כלל יותר נפלא ממנו והוא בגמרא דבני מערבא בפרק התשיע מנדרים דבר מגנות המקבלים על עצמם שבועות ונדרים עד שישארו כעין אסורים, אמרו שם בזה הלשון, רב אידי בשם רבי יצחק לא דייך מה שאסרה לך התורה אלא שאתה אוסר עליך דברים אחרים, וה הוא הענין אשר זכרנו בשוה בלא תוספת ובלא חסרון:
I have never heard a more remarkable saying than that of the Rabbis, found in the Palestinian Talmud, in the ninth chapter of the treatise Nedarim, where they greatly blame those who bind themselves by oaths and vows, in consequence of which they are fettered like prisoners. The exact words they use are, "Said Rabbi Iddai, in the name of Rabbi Isaac, 'Dost thou not think that what the Law prohibits is sufficient for thee that thou must take upon thyself additional prohibitions?' "
הנה התבאר מכל מה שזכרנוהו בזה הפרק שצריך לכוין אל הפעולות הממוצעות ושלא יצא מהן אל קצה מן הקצוות אלא על צד הרפואה ולעמוד כנגדו בהפך... ושלמה ע"ה אמר סתם כי אדם אין צדיק בארץ אשר יעשה טוב ולא יחטא.
From all that we have stated in this chapter, it is evident that it is man's duty to aim at performing acts that observe the proper mean, and not to desist from them by going to one extreme or the other, except for the restoration of the soul's health by having recourse to the opposite of that from which the soul is suffering...
Solomon says of mankind in general, "For no man is so righteous upon earth that he should do always good, and never sin".
We learn from the Rambam that going to either extreme in the way that we act with regard to our relationship Ben Adam L'chavero and ben adam l'makom is not the right way for us to behave.
We clearly see from the example of the original subject of this shiur Julia Haart that she has lived in multiple extremes in her life. Growing up and in her early married years she lived what was described by her to be a very oppressive and restrictive life that was constantly pushing her down.
On the other side we see that her life today is now at the other extreme, completely secular not involved in Jewish life, completely rejecting any level of Jewish practice or halacha. She lives her life in these extremes and ultimately she is not able to find the balance in life that would bring her to an ideal state of being.
Now that we are in the month of Elul we are able to start thinking about the times that we may have lived in one of these extremes how do we find that balance in our lives?
The Rambam again gives us the right path to take in the Mishnah Torah Hilchot Teshuva:
אֵי זוֹ הִיא תְּשׁוּבָה גְּמוּרָה. זֶה שֶׁבָּא לְיָדוֹ דָּבָר שֶׁעָבַר בּוֹ וְאֶפְשָׁר בְּיָדוֹ לַעֲשׂוֹתוֹ וּפֵרַשׁ וְלֹא עָשָׂה מִפְּנֵי הַתְּשׁוּבָה. לֹא מִיִּרְאָה וְלֹא מִכִּשְׁלוֹן כֹּחַ. כֵּיצַד. הֲרֵי שֶׁבָּא עַל אִשָּׁה בַּעֲבֵרָה וּלְאַחַר זְמַן נִתְיַחֵד עִמָּהּ וְהוּא עוֹמֵד בְּאַהֲבָתוֹ בָּהּ וּבְכֹחַ גּוּפוֹ וּבַמְּדִינָה שֶׁעָבַר בָּהּ וּפָרַשׁ וְלֹא עָבַר זֶהוּ בַּעַל תְּשׁוּבָה גְּמוּרָה.
What is complete repentance? He who once more had in it in his power to repeat a violation, but separated himself therefrom, and did not do it because of repentance, not out of fear or lack of strength. For example? One who knew a woman sinfully, and after a process of time he met her again privately, and he still loving her as theretofore, and he being in a state of potency, and the meeting is in the same land where the sin was first committed, if he parted without sinning, he has attained complete repentance.
We learn from this that ultimately when we are put in this same situation we need to make sure that we are able to not be tempted to do the same negative thing that we did in the past.