DAY 1
-Watch the video "What Happens if You Give a Homeless Man $100?" Discuss!
(ו) יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:
(6) Yeshoshua ben Perachiah used to say: Make for yourself a rabbi, acquire for yourself a friend, and judge every person favorably (in a positive light.)
Where does this mitzvah come from?
(טו) לֹא־תַעֲשׂ֥וּ עָ֙וֶל֙ בַּמִּשְׁפָּ֔ט לֹא־תִשָּׂ֣א פְנֵי־דָ֔ל וְלֹ֥א תֶהְדַּ֖ר פְּנֵ֣י גָד֑וֹל בְּצֶ֖דֶק תִּשְׁפֹּ֥ט עֲמִיתֶֽךָ׃
(15) Do not do injustice in judgment- do not favor the poor, do not honor the great- judge your fellow man justly.
You might be thinking to yourself- but wait! I'm not a judge! Actually...you are!
. ועוד יש בכלל מצוה זו, שראוי לכל אדם לדון את חברו לכף זכות ולא יפרש מעשיו ודבריו אלא לטוב.
The commandment to judge your fellow man justly: And also included in this commandment is that it is proper for every person to judge his fellow favorably, and only to understand his deeds and his words for the good.
Excerpt from 'The Other Side of the Story: Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt- Stories and Strategies' by Yehudis Samet, pages 35-36
Judging favorably- dan l'kaf zechus-means finding acceptable excuses for questionable behavior, excuses which make sense to us and leave us with a positive feeling towards the other person. It is based on a desire to see the best in others, to recognize their good qualities despite their shortcomings and to attribute worthy intentions to their actions. It involves using various techniques to understand human nature and the human condition to help us clear our friend of guilt.
When we find ourselves suspecting others, we must ask ourselves: Are there any redeeming factors? Did I miss something? Did I jump to the wrong conclusion?
There are many situations where the evidence seems clearly condemning, and yet the subject is guiltless. Sometimes we lack information without which we cannot draw a clear, fair conclusion. Sometimes our sense fool us, and we must challenge our perceptions.
Judging favorably is an aspect of humility. It is an admission that our perception is limited, and a decision not to allow this limited understanding to trick us into hasty conclusions. Judging favorably means realizing that the other person has his reasons, even if we may disagree with them. It is knowing that it is just as important to go into the depths of another person's claim as our own.
Judging favorably means imagining untold stories.
Finding merit, discovering a zechus, is like finding the missing piece of the puzzle. Suddenly the picture becomes clear.
Giving the benefit of the doubt means recognizing that there might be another side to the story. Then we begin our search as we attempt to acquit the "suspect" or at least reduce his sentence, so that he becomes, again, a person of good standing in our eyes.
WHAT IS IT NOT? (excerpt from 'The Other Side of the Story' continued)
Judging favorably does not mean looking positively at a negative situation that should be changed.
Judging favorably does not mean whitewashing wrong actions.
If someone is throwing stones at you, you need not say, as you find yourself being pelted "Maybe he's doing it for some good reason and I should judge him favorably." If you can change the situation or protect yourself, of course you should. If someone is hurling insults, try to get him to stop. If there is a situation- whether intolerable or just plain annoying- which might be improved, go ahead and improve it.
[...]
In short, judging favorably does not preclude action- it precedes it.
For instance, some parents might think that if their child complains about his teacher, and they judge the teacher favorably, the child will lose out. Judging favorably does not inhibit our efforts at clarification- it's one step before. It reminds us: Maybe the teacher also has something to say; maybe not. Find out.
[...]
Protecting yourself, your position, or your property is not a contradiction to judging favorably...However, you will stand your ground, demand your rights, and ease your pain more successfully if you have a desire to understand others. You can try to understand another's position without agreeing with it. Your willingness to consider a second point of view will transform your interactions into more peaceful and therefore more successful ones.
(ג) וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת. כְּשֶׁהַדָּבָר בְּכַף מֹאזְנַיִם וְאֵין לוֹ הֶכְרֵעַ לְכָאן וּלְכָאן, כְּגוֹן אָדָם שֶׁאֵין אָנוּ יוֹדְעִים מִמַּעֲשָׂיו אִם צַדִּיק אִם רָשָׁע וְעָשָׂה מַעֲשֶׂה שֶׁאֶפְשָׁר לְדוּנוֹ לִזְכוּת וְאֶפְשָׁר לְדוּנוֹ לְחוֹבָה, מִדַּת חֲסִידוּת הִיא לְדוּנוֹ לְכַף זְכוּת. אֲבָל אָדָם שֶׁהֻחְזַק בְּרָשָׁע, מֻתָּר לְדוּנוֹ לְחוֹבָה, שֶׁלֹּא אָמְרוּ אֶלָּא הַחוֹשֵׁד בִּכְשֵׁרִים לוֹקֶה בְּגוּפוֹ (שבת צז.), מִכְּלָל שֶׁהַחוֹשֵׁד בִּרְשָׁעִים אֵינוֹ לוֹקֶה:
(3) "and judge every person favorably": when there's an issue that has occurred and there's no clear way to determine whether it was good or bad. For example, if there's a man where we don't know from his behaviors if he's a Tzadik (very righteous) or a Rasha (very wicked) and he did something where we COULD judge it favorably but we also could judge it unfavorably, it is ideal to judge him favorably. But it IS permissible to judge someone who is known to be wicked unfavorably.
Excerpt from 'The Other Side of the Story,' page 43
Rashi explains the Torah's admonition to "judge your fellow man justly" to mean: "Judge your friend to the side of merit, i.e. favorably." But if, as Rashi tells us, the mitzvah means judging people favorably, why does the Torah use the word "justly?"
The answer lies in understanding Rashi's use of the word "friend." A friend is a person we know, someone whose behavior is familiar to us because we deal with him all the time, such as a family member, a neighbor, or a fellow worker. We are required to give our friends the justice due them by evaluating any questionable action or statement in light of their usual behavior.
Note: If you've read 'The Phantom Tollbooth,' Milo and jumping to the Island of Conclusions is relevant here. :)
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. Do you find it easier or harder to judge others favorably?
2. Have you ever been in a situation where someone gave you the benefit of the doubt? How did it make you feel?
3. Have you ever been in situation where someone DIDN'T give you the benefit of the doubt? How did it make you feel?
4. What do you think the impact of judging other people favorably is on THEM (if there is one)?
5. What do you think the impact of judging other people favorably is on YOU (if there is one)?
6. Can you think of a possible situation where someone might need to judge someone favorably? What would it be?
DAY 2- SKIT DAY!
DAY 3- CRAFT DAY
תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: הַדָּן חֲבֵירוֹ לְכַף זְכוּת — דָּנִין אוֹתוֹ לִזְכוּת. וּמַעֲשֶׂה בְּאָדָם אֶחָד שֶׁיָּרַד מִגָּלִיל הָעֶלְיוֹן וְנִשְׂכַּר אֵצֶל בַּעַל הַבַּיִת אֶחָד בַּדָּרוֹם שָׁלֹשׁ שָׁנִים. עֶרֶב יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים אָמַר לוֹ: תֵּן לִי שְׂכָרִי, וְאֵלֵךְ וְאָזוּן אֶת אִשְׁתִּי וּבָנַי. אָמַר לוֹ: אֵין לִי מָעוֹת. אָמַר לוֹ: תֵּן לִי פֵּירוֹת. אָמַר לוֹ: אֵין לִי. תֵּן לִי קַרְקַע — אִין לִי. תֵּן לִי בְּהֵמָה — אֵין לִי. תֵּן לִי כָּרִים וּכְסָתוֹת — אֵין לִי. הִפְשִׁיל כֵּלָיו לַאֲחוֹרָיו, וְהָלַךְ לְבֵיתוֹ בְּפַחֵי נֶפֶשׁ. לְאַחַר הָרֶגֶל נָטַל בַּעַל הַבַּיִת שְׂכָרוֹ בְּיָדוֹ, וְעִמּוֹ מַשּׂוֹי שְׁלֹשָׁה חֲמוֹרִים, אֶחָד שֶׁל מַאֲכָל, וְאֶחָד שֶׁל מִשְׁתֶּה, וְאֶחָד שֶׁל מִינֵי מְגָדִים, וְהָלַךְ לוֹ לְבֵיתוֹ. אַחַר שֶׁאָכְלוּ וְשָׁתוּ נָתַן לוֹ שְׂכָרוֹ. אָמַר לוֹ: בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁאָמַרְתָּ לִי ״תֵּן לִי שְׂכָרִי״ וְאָמַרְתִּי ״אֵין לִי מָעוֹת״, בַּמֶּה חֲשַׁדְתַּנִי? אָמַרְתִּי: שֶׁמָּא פְּרַקְמַטְיָא בְּזוֹל נִזְדַּמְּנָה לְךָ, וְלָקַחְתָּ בָּהֶן. וּבְשָׁעָה שֶׁאָמַרְתָּ לִי ״תֵּן לִי בְּהֵמָה״, וְאָמַרְתִּי ״אֵין לִי בְּהֵמָה״, בַּמֶּה חֲשַׁדְתַּנִי? אָמַרְתִּי: שֶׁמָּא מוּשְׂכֶּרֶת בְּיַד אֲחֵרִים. בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁאָמַרְתָּ לִי ״תֵּן לִי קַרְקַע״, וְאָמַרְתִּי לְךָ ״אֵין לִי קַרְקַע״, בַּמֶּה חֲשַׁדְתַּנִי? אָמַרְתִּי: שֶׁמָּא מוּחְכֶּרֶת בְּיַד אֲחֵרִים הִיא. וּבְשָׁעָה שֶׁאָמַרְתִּי לְךָ ״אֵין לִי פֵּירוֹת״ בַּמֶּה חֲשַׁדְתַּנִי? אָמַרְתִּי: שֶׁמָּא אֵינָן מְעוּשָּׂרוֹת. וּבְשָׁעָה שֶׁאָמַרְתִּי לְךָ ״אֵין לִי כָּרִים וּכְסָתוֹת״ בַּמֶּה חֲשַׁדְתַּנִי? אָמַרְתִּי: שֶׁמָּא הִקְדִּישׁ כָּל נְכָסָיו לַשָּׁמַיִם. אָמַר לוֹ: הָעֲבוֹדָה! כָּךְ הָיָה. הִדַּרְתִּי כׇּל נְכָסַי בִּשְׁבִיל הוּרְקָנוֹס בְּנִי שֶׁלֹּא עָסַק בַּתּוֹרָה. וּכְשֶׁבָּאתִי אֵצֶל חֲבֵירַי בַּדָּרוֹם הִתִּירוּ לִי כָּל נְדָרַי. וְאַתָּה, כְּשֵׁם שֶׁדַּנְתַּנִי לִזְכוּת, הַמָּקוֹם יָדִין אוֹתְךָ לִזְכוּת
Translation from NCSY (link)
The Rabbis taught, one who judges their friend favorably will be judged favorably themselves. There was a man from the Galil who was hired to work in the house of someone who lived in the southern part of Israel for 3 years. One year, before Yom Kippur, the worker was to go home and went to collect his wages from his boss.
“Give me my salary so I can go feed my wife and children.”
The boss said, “I have no money.”
“Then give me fruit.”
“I have no fruit.”
“Then how about land?”
“I have none of that either.”
“How about animals?”
“Nothing.”
“Pillows and blankets?”
“Nada.”
The worker flung his belongings over his shoulder and headed home upset. After Sukkos of that year, the boss made a trip to the home of his worker with 3 donkeys loaded with goodies. He gave all of these gifts to the worker, as well as his unpaid wages. As he gave over the money, the boss asked, “What were you thinking when I told you I had none of the items you asked for?”
“Very simple: I thought you had no money because you had a business opportunity that you couldn’t pass up; that you had no animals because you lent them to someone in need; that you had no land because you rented it to someone to grow their own products on it; that you had no fruit because maser [giving a tenth of income] had still not been taken off yet; that you had no pillows and blankets because you gave your material belongings to the Beis HaMikdash.”
“Unbelievable,” the boss said. “Every last word you just said is exactly as it occurred. In the same way you judged me favorably, May Hashem Judge you favorably as well.”
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. How would you have felt if you were the worker (before the boss showed up with the goodies)?
2. How do you think the worker was able to have such a positive outlook on such a difficult situation?
3. What is the message/ takeaway from this story?
4. Have you ever had a situation like this (where you came up with a good interpretation of the event, and it turned out you were right)?
Aside from the reward mentioned above, where God will judge YOU favorably if you judge OTHER people favorably, people who make a habit of judging others favorably are focused on seeing the good in others. We can extrapolate from here that they have an "Ayin Tovah," a good eye. That good eye can be applied to other situations as well- even seeing the good in challenging situations, as you'll see below.
(ט) אָמַר לָהֶם, צְאוּ וּרְאוּ אֵיזוֹהִי דֶרֶךְ יְשָׁרָה שֶׁיִּדְבַּק בָּהּ הָאָדָם. רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר אוֹמֵר, עַיִן טוֹבָה.
(9) He [Rabban Yohanan] said unto them: go out and observe- what's the right way (of acting) that a person should stick to? Rabbi Eliezer said, a good eye
אָמַר רַב הוּנָא אָמַר רַב מִשּׁוּם רַבִּי מֵאִיר, וְכֵן תָּנָא מִשְּׁמֵיהּ דְּרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא: לְעוֹלָם יְהֵא אָדָם רָגִיל לוֹמַר: ״כׇּל דְּעָבֵיד רַחֲמָנָא לְטָב עָבֵיד״. כִּי הָא דְּרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא דַּהֲוָה קָאָזֵיל בְּאוֹרְחָא. מְטָא לְהַהִיא מָתָא, בְּעָא אוּשְׁפִּיזָא לָא יָהֲבִי לֵיהּ. אֲמַר: ״כׇּל דְּעָבֵיד רַחֲמָנָא — לְטָב״. אֲזַל וּבָת בְּדַבְרָא, וַהֲוָה בַּהֲדֵיהּ תַּרְנְגוֹלָא וַחֲמָרָא וּשְׁרָגָא. אֲתָא זִיקָא כַּבְיֵיהּ לִשְׁרָגָא. אֲתָא שׁוּנָּרָא אַכְלֵיהּ לְתַרְנְגוֹלָא. אֲתָא אַרְיָה אַכְלֵיהּ לַחֲמָרָא. אֲמַר: ״כׇּל דְּעָבֵיד רַחֲמָנָא — לְטָב״. בֵּיהּ בְּלֵילְיָא אֲתָא גְּיָיסָא, שַׁבְיַיהּ לְמָתָא. אֲמַר לְהוּ: לָאו אֲמַרִי לְכוּ כׇּל מַה שֶּׁעוֹשֶׂה הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא
Rav Huna said that Rav said that Rabbi Meir said; and so it was taught in a baraita in the name of Rabbi Akiva: One should always say: Everything that God does, He does for the best. The Gemara relates: Like this situation, when Rabbi Akiva was walking along the road and came to a certain city, he asked whether there was a place to stay and they did not give him any place to stay.
He said: Everything that God does, He does for the best.
Rabbi Akiva went and slept in a field, and he had with him a rooster, a donkey and a candle.
A gust of wind came and put out the candle.
A cat came and ate up the rooster.
A lion came and ate up the donkey.
He said: Everything that God does, He does for the best.
That night, an army came and took the city into captivity. It turned out that Rabbi Akiva alone, who was not in the city and had no lit candle, noisy rooster or donkey to give away his location, was saved. He said to them: Didn’t I tell you? Everything that God does, He does for the best."
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. What did Rabbi Akiva need at the beginning of this story?
2. Did anyone give him a place to stay?
3. How could he have judged the people/ town/ situation at that moment?
4. How did he decide to judge the situation?
5. What happened to his candle, rooster and donkey?
6. How did he respond to the situation?
7. In a way, WHO was Rabbi Akiva judging favorably throughout?
8. What lesson can we learn from this story?
DAY 4- STEP INTO THEIR SHOES
(ד) . הִלֵּל אוֹמֵר, וְאַל תָּדִין אֶת חֲבֵרְךָ עַד שֶׁתַּגִּיעַ לִמְקוֹמוֹ
(4) Hillel said: Do not judge your friend until you have reached his place.
"Do not judge your fellow until you come to his place": If you see your friend experience a test and fail, do not judge him unfavorably until a test like it comes to you and you overcome [it].
Do not judge your fellow until you come to his place: This is also from the topic that a person should not believe in himself and not overly rely on his intellect. And when he sees his fellow in a high position and not act straight, he should not say, "If I would fill his place, I would not do [one] evil thing from all the evil that he is doing." As you don't know [this] and you are no different than he [as far as] being a person - and perhaps the position would sway you as well. [Only] when you reach his place and his position and give up your [weaknesses, then] do you have the right to wonder about his weaknesses.
It's easy to judge others and to assume you would behave differently if you were in their places. But- If you had this other person's challenges, stressors and attributes (for good and for bad) who knows that you would behave any differently? This statement (and its interpretations) makes that point.
Famous proverb-
“Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes”