(12) Honor your father and your mother, that you may live a long life the land that the LORD your God is giving to you.
(16) Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you will live a long life, and so it will be good for you, in the land that the LORD your God is giving to you.
(א) מצות כיבוד אב ואם - לכבד האב והאם, שנאמר (שמות כ יב) כבד את אביך ואת אמך וגו'. ובא הפרוש (קדושין לא, ב) אי זהו כבוד, מאכיל ומשקה מלביש ומכסה מכניס ומוציא.
(ב) משרשי מצוה זו, שראוי לו לאדם שיכיר ויגמל חסד למי שעשה עמו טובה, ולא יהיה נבל ומתנכר וכפוי טובה שזו מדה רעה ומאוסה בתכלית לפני אלקים ואנשים. ושיתן אל לבו כי האב והאם הם סבת היותו בעולם, ועל כן באמת ראוי לו לעשות להם כל כבוד וכל תועלת שיוכל, כי הם הביאוהו לעולם, גם יגעו בו כמה יגיעות בקטנתו, וכשיקבע זאת המדה בנפשו יעלה ממנה להכיר טובת האל ברוך הוא שהוא סבתו וסבת כל אבותיו עד אדם הראשון, ושהוציאו לאויר העולם וספק צרכו כל ימיו והעמידו על מתכנתו ושלמות אבריו, ונתן בו נפש יודעת ומשכלת, שאלולי הנפש שחננו האל, יהיה כסוס כפרד אין הבין, ויעריך במחשבתו כמה וכמה ראוי להזהר בעבודתו ברוך הוא.
(1) The commandment to honor father and mother: To honor father and mother, as it is stated (Exodus 20:12), "You shall honor your father and your mother." And the explanation (Kiddushin 31b) comes to [define it], "What does it mean to 'honor'? To feed, give drink, dress, bring in, and take out."
(2) From the roots of this commandment is that it is fitting for a person to acknowledge and return kindness to people who were good to him, and not to be an ungrateful scoundrel, because that is a bad and repulsive attribute before God and people. And he should take to heart that the father and the mother are the cause of his being in the world; and hence it is truly fitting to honor them in every way and give every benefit he can to them, because they brought him to the world, and worked hard for him when he was little. And once he fixes this idea in his soul, he will move up from it to recognize the good of God, Blessed be He, who is his cause and the cause of all his ancestors until the first man (Adam), and that he took him out into the world's air, and fulfilled his needs every day, and made his body strong and able to stand, and gave him a mind that knows and learns - for without the mind that God granted him, he would be 'like a horse or a mule who does not understand.' And he should think at length about how very fitting it is to be careful in his worship of the Blessed be He.
(1) ויתרצצו AND [THE CHILDREN] STRUGGLED — You must admit that this verse calls for a Midrashic interpretation since it leaves unexplained what this struggling was about and it states that she exclaimed “If it be so, wherefore did I desire this” (i.e. she asked whether this was the normal course of child-bearing, feeling that something extraordinary was happening). Our Rabbis explain that the word ויתרוצצו has the meaning of running, moving quickly: whenever she passed by the doors of the Torah (i. e. the Schools of Shem and Eber) Jacob moved convulsively in his efforts to come to birth, but whenever she passed by the gate of a pagan temple Esau moved convulsively in his efforts to come to birth (Genesis Rabbah 63:6). Another explanation is: they struggled with one another and quarrelled as to how they should divide the two worlds as their inheritance (Yalkut Shimoni on Torah 111:2).
(כג) וַיֹּ֨אמֶר ה' לָ֗הּ שְׁנֵ֤י (גיים) [גוֹיִם֙] בְּבִטְנֵ֔ךְ וּשְׁנֵ֣י לְאֻמִּ֔ים מִמֵּעַ֖יִךְ יִפָּרֵ֑דוּ וּלְאֹם֙ מִלְאֹ֣ם יֶֽאֱמָ֔ץ וְרַ֖ב יַעֲבֹ֥ד צָעִֽיר׃ (כד) וַיִּמְלְא֥וּ יָמֶ֖יהָ לָלֶ֑דֶת וְהִנֵּ֥ה תוֹמִ֖ם בְּבִטְנָֽהּ׃ (כה) וַיֵּצֵ֤א הָרִאשׁוֹן֙ אַדְמוֹנִ֔י כֻּלּ֖וֹ כְּאַדֶּ֣רֶת שֵׂעָ֑ר וַיִּקְרְא֥וּ שְׁמ֖וֹ עֵשָֽׂו׃ (כו) וְאַֽחֲרֵי־כֵ֞ן יָצָ֣א אָחִ֗יו וְיָד֤וֹ אֹחֶ֙זֶת֙ בַּעֲקֵ֣ב עֵשָׂ֔ו וַיִּקְרָ֥א שְׁמ֖וֹ יַעֲקֹ֑ב וְיִצְחָ֛ק בֶּן־שִׁשִּׁ֥ים שָׁנָ֖ה בְּלֶ֥דֶת אֹתָֽם׃
(23) and the LORD answered her, “Two nations are in your womb, Two separate nations shall come from your body; One nation shall be mightier than the other, And the older shall serve the younger.” (24) When her time to give birth was at hand, there were twins in her womb. (25) The first one emerged red, like a hairy mantle all over; so they named him Esav. (26) Then his brother emerged, holding on to the heel of Esav; so they named him Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when they were born.
(1) אדמוני RED — a sign that he would always be shedding blood (Genesis Rabbah 63:8).
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. What surprised Rivka about her child's (she didn't yet know they were twins) movements?
2. What was the explanation for her twin children's behavior?
3. Why was Esav called Esav?
4. Why does it matter that Esav was red (what does it foretell about him)?
5. Based on what we've learned so far, what draws Esav's attention? (And can his talents be used for good at this point, or only for bad?)
(27) When the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the field; but Jacob was a mild man who stayed in camp. (28) Isaac loved Esav because he had a taste for game (the animals Esav hunted and prepared as meat); but Rebekah loved Jacob.
(א) ויגדלו … ויהי עשו. כָּל זְמַן שֶׁהָיוּ קְטַנִּים, לֹא הָיוּ נִכָּרִים בְּמַעֲשֵׂיהֶם, וְאֵין אָדָם מְדַקְדֵּק בָּהֶם מַה טִּיבָם; כֵּיוָן שֶׁנַּעֲשׂוּ בְנֵי שְׁלשׁ עֶשְׂרֵה שָׁנָה, זֶה פֵּרֵשׁ לְבָתֵּי מִדְרָשׁוֹת וְזֶה פֵּרֵשׁ לַעֲ"זָ:
(1) ויגדלו… ויהי עשו AND THEY GREW … AND ESAU WAS — So long as they were young they could not be distinguished by what they did and no one paid much attention to their characters, but when they reached the age of thirteen, one went his way to the houses of learning and the other went his way to the idolatrous temples (Genesis Rabbah 63:10).
… But just because of that, must each one be brought up לפי דרכו according to the presumed path of life to which his tendencies lead, each one differently to the one great goal [of divine service]. To try to bring up a Jacob and an Esau in the same college, make them have the same habits and hobbies, want to teach and educate them the same … is the surest way to court disaster.
… Had Isaac and Rebecca studied Esau's nature and character early enough, and asked themselves, how can even an Esau, how can all the strength and energy, agility and courage that lies slumbering in this child be won over to be used in the service of God … then Jacob and Esau, with their totally different natures could still have remained twin brothers in spirit and life; quite early in life Esau's "sword" and Jacob's "spirit" could have worked hand in hand, and who can say what a different aspect the whole history of the ages might have presented. But, as it was, only when the boys had grown into men, one was surprised to see that, out of one and the same womb, having had exactly the same care, training and schooling, two such contrasting persons emerge.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. What kind of person was Esav- what were his interests and hobbies?
2. What kind of person was Jacob- what were his interests and hobbies?
3. What happened once they turned 13 (were Bar Mitzvah age)?
4. According to Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch, was it INEVITABLE that Esav HAD to be wicked, or did he have free will? What contributed to his choices?
According to Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch, despite having the best of intentions, our forefather Isaac and foremother Rebekah were not able to fully understand Esav's nature and how to challenge it for the good. Esav decided to embark on a life where he made choices that were negative. These are described in the Tanakh and range from selling his birthright to Jacob because he didn't value it to (according to Rashi) tricking and deceiving his father to actually harming and killing others (per the Midrash).
It would be easy to write Esav off as a wicked, ireedemable person. BUT astonishingly the Midrash has a different take on who he was and what we can learn from him.
(טו) [...] אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא כִּבֵּד בְּרִיָּה אֶת אֲבוֹתָיו כְּמוֹ אֲנִי אֶת אֲבוֹתַי, וּמָצָאתִי שֶׁכִּבֵּד עֵשָׂו לְאָבִיו יוֹתֵר מִמֶּנִּי. כֵּיצַד, אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל הָיִיתִי מְשַׁמֵּשׁ אֶת אָבִי בְּכֵלִים צוֹאִים, וּכְשֶׁהָיִיתִי הוֹלֵךְ לַשּׁוּק הָיִיתִי מַשְׁלִיךְ אוֹתָן הַכֵּלִים וְלוֹבֵשׁ כֵּלִים נָאִים וְיוֹצֵא בָהֶן, אֲבָל עֵשָׂו לֹא הָיָה עוֹשֶׂה כֵן, אֶלָּא אוֹתָן כֵּלִים שֶׁהָיָה לוֹבֵשׁ וּמְשַׁמֵּשׁ בָּהֶן אֶת אָבִיו, הֵן מְעֻלִּים. [...]
Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel said: No son has ever honored his parents as I have done, and yet I find that Esav honored his parents even more than me. How? Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel said: I usually waited on my father dressed in soiled clothes, but when I I went into the street I threw away these clothes and dressed in fresh, beautiful clothing. This was not the case with Esav; the clothes which he wore when he waited on his father were his best and most beautiful.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. What did Esav do to show honor to his father?
2. How did this compare to what R' Shimon ben Gamliel did?
3. Think about you at home vs. you when you go outside (and will be seen)- do you change your clothing? (Or for a COVID connection, you at home during Zoom school vs. attending actual school.) What's the reason for changing your clothing?
4. What does the fact that Esav changed his clothes and wore his finest, most beautiful clothing before serving his father show us/ teach us?
Today we will learn the story of Dama ben Netina and how he can teach us about honoring parents.
וכי תימא ה"נ והאמר רב יהודה אמר שמואל שאלו את ר"א עד היכן כיבוד אב ואם אמר להם צאו וראו מה עשה עובד כוכבים אחד לאביו באשקלון ודמא בן נתינה שמו פעם אחת בקשו ממנו אבנים לאפוד
[...]
בששים רבוא שכר רב כהנא מתני בשמונים רבוא והיו מפתחות מונחות תחת מראשותיו של אביו ולא צערו
[...]
ועוד קתני סיפא לשנה אחרת נולדה לו פרה אדומה בעדרו נכנסו חכמי ישראל אצלו אמר להם יודע אני בכם שאם אני מבקש מכם כל ממון שבעולם אתם נותנין לי עכשיו איני מבקש מכם אלא אותו ממון שהפסדתי בשביל אבא
(continues into 24a)
And if you would say that indeed, that is so, this cannot be correct. But doesn’t Rav Yehuda say that Shmuel says: The Sages asked Rabbi Eliezer: To what extent must one exert himself to fulfill the mitzva of honoring one’s father and mother? Rabbi Eliezer said to them: Go and see what a certain gentile did for his father in Ashkelon, and his name is Dama ben Netina. Once, the Sages sought to purchase precious stones from him for the ephod of the High Priest
for six hundred thousand gold dinars’ profit, and Rav Kahana teaches that it was eight hundred thousand dinars’ profit. But the keys to the chest holding the jewels were placed under his father’s head, and he would not disturb him.
[...]
The Gemara adds: And furthermore, the latter clause teaches: In a subsequent year, a Parah Adumah/ red cow was born in Dama’s herd and the Sages of Israel approached him, seeking to purchase the heifer. Dama said to them: I know concerning you that if I were to ask from you all the money in the world, you would give it to me. Now I am requesting from you only that amount of money which I lost by refraining from waking my father.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. Who was Dama ben Netina?
2. Was he Jewish?
3. What did the Sages want of him?
4. Why didn't he give them the jewel?
5. How was Dama ben Netina rewarded for practicing the mitzvah of Kibud Av V'Eim?
6. What can we learn from him?
(Note: the same narrative appears in Kiddushin 31a and Devarim Rabbah 1:15 with slight differences)
One of the halachos of kibud av va’eim, honoring one’s parents, is not to wake them up. Even if a lot of money is at stake if the parent is not woken up, a child should still not wake up his parent. There is a famous story told in the Gemoro about Doma ben Nesina, a non-Jew, who needed a key that was under his father’s pillow in order to sell a precious gem for a large profit, but refused to wake up his father, thereby losing a large sum of money. Hashem later rewarded him for this great mitzvah, and he was zoche to have a parah adumah, a red heifer, which had tremendous spiritual and monetary value, to be born in his herd. However, if a person knows that it is important to their parent that they earn that money, and are certain that the parent would be upset if he did not wake them up and suffered monetary loss as a result, then one is permitted to wake them up. Still, it is preferable to ask someone else to wake them up, even in such a case. If the parent asked their child to wake them up, it is certainly permitted. To wake them up for a mitzvah such as going to shul is also not a problem. Similarly, waking them up because the parent would otherwise lose a large sum of money is also a non-issue. If a telephone call comes in for a parent, a child should not wake them up even if it is about an important matter, unless they know that the father or mother will be upset that they were not woken up to take the call.
Questions to Consider
1. What is the usual rule when it comes to waking parents? (Think of parents taking a Shabbat nap.)
2. Under what circumstances is one permitted to wake up their parents?
If the group finishes early, that can lead into DAY 4.
[...] אמו של ר' טרפון ירדה לטייל לתוך חצירה בשבת והלך ר' טרפון והניח שתי ידיו תחת פרסותיה והיתה מהלכת עליהן עד שהגיעה למיטתה פעם אחת חלה ונכנסו חכמים לבקרו אמרה להן התפללו על טרפון בני שהוא נוהג בי כבוד יותר מדאי אמרו לה מה עביד ליך ותניית להון עובדא אמרו לה אפילו עושה כן אלף אלפים עדיין לחצי כבוד שאמרה התורה לא הגיע
One Shabbat Rabbi Tarfon's mother went down into her yard for a stroll [and something happened to her shoes]. Rabbi Tarfon placed both his hands under the soles of her feet and that's how she walked until she reached her bed. Once when [Rabbi Tarfon] was sick the sages came to visit him. She said to them, 'Pray for my son Tarfon who honors me so much.' They asked her what he did and she related to them the incident. They responded that even if he were to do so a thousand times he would not yet have reached half of the honor [of parents] of which the Torah speaks.
רבי טרפון הוה ליה ההיא אמא דכל אימת דהות בעיא למיסק לפוריא גחין וסליק לה וכל אימת דהות נחית נחתת עלויה אתא וקא משתבח בי מדרשא אמרי ליה עדיין לא הגעת לחצי כיבוד [...]
The Gemara relates: Rabbi Tarfon had a certain manner of treating his mother, that whenever she wished to go up into her bed he would bend over and help her to go up, and whenever she wished to go down from the bed, she would go down by lowering herself onto him. He came and praised himself in the study hall for performing the mitzva of honoring one’s father and mother so thoroughly. They said to him: You still have not reached even half of the honor due to her.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. What did Rabbi Tarfon do for his mother when she lost her sandal one Shabbat?
2. Does it seem, at first glance, like this is more than the actual mitzvah of Kibud Av V'Eim requires?
3. Was it actually more than the mitzvah really entails?
4. How did Rabbi Tarfon help his mother in her home? (We aren't given the reason but consider as a modern day example an aged/ elderly parent who might need to lean on a person to get up or walk around)
5. What do we learn here about how expansive this mitzvah is?
- There are many reasons we honor parents, but one of the most significant is gratitude for existing/ they gave us life
- Even people who do not always make good choices (like Esav) or are not Jewish (like Dama) can teach us about this mitzvah
- Even when people go to excessive lengths to honor their parent, like Rabbi Tarfon, they have not fully fulfilled the mitzvah- we owe our parents so much that it is hard to do!
- Think of practical ways that you can show honor and respect to your parents !